I think I spent way too much time in my younger days worrying about what would happen if I died young. Maybe it was the worrying thought of leaving my small children behind and whether my husband would remarry and all those strangely macabre scenarios that I now realize were a total waste of brain time and space.
I had thought it all out - I wanted a nice photograph of myself on the mantle - so any new women coming into my home would know that I had been deeply loved, and was greatly missed.....and that I was keeping a close eye on things. I wasn't sure whether I was going to need one of those professional soft-focus ones where I looked all glamorous and lovely, or whether I should settle for a more relaxed looking picture.
I had decided on my funeral arrangements - a cremation and my ashes placed in a lovely urn with a weeping angel on the top. The image of this angel has subsequently needed to be clarified after the whole Dr Who-weeping-angel-debacle. Also where the placement of this urn would be - at home next to the aforementioned photo or in a cemetery (I strongly suspect I would be relegated fairly quickly to a cemetery where I wouldn't be creeping out the visitors).
I had chosen some of my funeral songs - Rich Mullins "Elijah" (Elijah) and Wendy Matthews "The Day You Went Away" (You went away) were my top two choices. They were both about leaving everyone behind.......then a few years ago my husband mentioned that I might have to rethink my selections because it wasn't looking like I was dying any time soon and less and less likely that I'd be going out "with a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire"! That brought me up short......where had all those years gone? When did I stop being young with so much to leave behind, and reach an age where dying wouldn't be all that unusual?
Fortunately I hadn't gone so far as to write my own eulogy or obituary (apparently my dad has written his and has sung his own praises far and wide - we might need to make a few adjustments when he dies to make it a little more believable). I also hadn't gone through the old photo albums choosing my photo montage shots either (not too many to choose from because I belonged to the era of rolls of film with 24 shots - of which maybe 15 were acceptable after they were developed!)
So, apart from keeping my eyes open for a nice angel statue to put aside for the big day, I am putting my funeral arrangements on hold and living my life for the moment. I've seen both my children's weddings and I have grandbabies to look forward to, so I don't want to rush off this planet just yet. Besides that, the glamour photo would have to be very soft-focus to hide all the crinkles and I have no idea what songs I'm going to choose now that my favourites aren't age appropriate.
I'm not sure why I was so fixated on the idea of dying young, but I am really glad it didn't happen and that I'm still around to keep an eye on things (instead of doing it from the mantle shelf!)