Tuesday, 7 July 2015

changes, changes everywhere - and that's okay

#midlifeblog cresting the hill

This quote sums up my life journey at the time being. So much has changed in the last few years, the last few months and even the last few days - time doesn't stand still. Life is about moving forward through the changes and becoming richer in character as I navigate towards who I am becoming.

Two years ago my marriage was imploding. My husband thought he wanted to go it alone and not bother with all the complications and compromises of being married to me. I felt like I was being cast adrift with no warning and I had no idea how to go forward. Once I moved past the initial shock I realized that I could survive without him and I could create a new life for myself, but would it be a better life and how would it impact on my family? Our kids are grown up, living hours away and getting on with their own lives, but it would still be a messy situation for everyone.

Fortunately, I have a very perceptive friend who was brave enough to ask if my husband's depression had returned and that was a light bulb moment for me. It took the focus away from his unhappiness being about me/us and refocused it on what the true cause was - he had slipped slowly and silently down the slope into depression again and his ability to generate the emotional energy to sustain a relationship had dwindled to almost nothing. Addressing this and moving on from the hurt and damage that it caused has brought about a much needed reassessment of our empty nest lives and over the last couple of years we have renegotiated our marriage and found a really good place to settle and move forward.

A few months ago I was in a job that I had come to hate, working with people I didn't really like and I was too scared to do anything about it. Being brave enough to leave and risk never finding another job was the most freeing thing I have ever done. A month or so ago I was at home applying for jobs and enjoying having time off but also worrying that maybe this would be the end of my working life. All that changed with one of those job applications leading me to where I am now and all the stresses and challenges of mastering a new career.

There have even been changes in the last few weeks, I have signed up to volunteer at my local primary school - I haven't done any community volunteer work for years and it's nice to have the time to do it again. I've moved from employment to unemployment to re-employment with the emotional roller coaster ride that goes with those changes. I'm coming to terms with the idea that my husband will probably work part-time too (rather than the 9-5 that I had assumed) and I've realized that I don't really mind how he works as long as he brings in some income and is happy. I'm letting go of the tight fist I had on life and I'm okay with not thinking I'm in control of everything that happens (well...most of the time).

#midlifeblog cresting the hill

Life is a journey and midlife is a chance to stop, breathe and re-evaluate where I've been and where I'm going. The view ahead is hazy but that's okay for now. So many changes have taken place in the last short while, so why worry about the decades to come? I think I'll just sit on the crest of the hill and enjoy my moment in the sun....

This post is part of the #1word challenge - this week's word was "change"

14 comments:

  1. Life is a journey and this was a great read. my 50th birthday is a year away and I have realized what a gift this life is and we do need to savor it all.
    Thank you for this! I am going to enjoy the sunshine as well !

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    1. Thanks Carissa - life is actually pretty fabulous after 50 - nowhere near as awful as I'd been led to believe!

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  2. Congrats on all the positive changes you have made in order to move forward with your life, marriage and professional career.
    Estelle

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    1. Thanks for stopping by Estelle - and for the encouragement - I just love that the second half of life can be just as rewarding as the first half!

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  3. Some changes are for the best although we can't see it at the time.

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    1. you are so right Antionette! Hindsight is a wonderful thing

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  4. Hi Leanne. I so love the visual I get when I read, "I'm letting go of the tight fist I had on life and I'm okay with not thinking I'm in control of everything that happens ..." Such a powerful statement and good for us ALL to remember. You've had an amazing journey recently and it will be continually inspiring to see where you go from here. ~Kathy

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    1. Thanks for the encouragement Kathy - your blog inspires me to look to the positive and that is the direction I truly feel is where I'm supposed to be going :)

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  5. I'm so glad that you are sharing your journey with us Leanne. You certainly have been through lots of changes however change makes us stronger. Thanks for sharing with us at #WednesdaysWisdom

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    1. Hi Sue - it's taken me a long time to "get" it but I'm certainly powering ahead towards making this decade a really good one :)

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  6. Thanks for sharing this Leanne. I have so many changes ahead that it feels overwhelming at times - but I just need to take things one day at a time!

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  7. These are some great changes! Change can still be scary, though. I'm glad your changes have taken you to a better, happier place in life.

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  8. Thank you for this open and honest post, especially about the hard times you've gone through with your marriage. I'm almost stood up and cheered when you wrote that you were still together and in a good place. I'm sure your words are giving hope to others. Thank you!

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  9. Wow, you hit this one completely spot on! I am halfway to 43 and started feeling many of these feelings, especially working outside the home. I chose becoming a SAHM and homeschooling, my two youngest, wanting to enjoy their last few years at home. Have an amazing week!

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