ARE WE WAITING TO BE SAVED?
When tough times come my way I immediately start praying diligently and desperately for them to disappear - to just go away and not be on my radar anymore. I'm very solution focused and I want it fixed fast, or for it to resolve itself and be gone. I don't want to be stressed, I don't want to put up with discomfort or disruption, I just want to be rescued like some damsel in distress.
WHAT IS THE WAY THROUGH?
Rather than wanting an immediate escape plan, what if I looked at what the situation could teach me, and to find a constructive way through the problem and out the other side that deepens my character or my empathy?
I saw a poem from my favourite poet Ullie-Kaye a little while ago that spoke to my head and heart:
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| used with permission from Ullie-Kaye |
WHAT CAN I LEARN FROM THIS?
When I was going through the difficult years in what became my job from hell, I learnt a lot about myself. I learnt that I had no idea about boundaries (I'd never heard of them), I didn't know that I could step back from someone and not keep trying to fix them, I thought I still had another decade of working life ahead of me before I could afford to quit, and I had no idea of what I really wanted in my life going forward.
I emerged from that truly awful time with a whole new perspective on life. Once I realized that it wasn't just going to go away, that every week would be like Ground Hog Day, I stepped up and started looking for paths through - ways to save my sanity. In the process I came to understand myself better, and saw that some of the beliefs I held were not good for me - people pleasing, being a fixer, not holding space for myself, and so much more - these got shaken up and a lot were left behind as I moved along the path and out of the situation. That workplace still hasn't changed - but I have.
HOW CAN I GROW FROM THIS?
Personal growth is something we often don't think about that much as we roll on into Midlife. I thought I was as developed as I was going to get, and I couldn't have been more wrong. Since hitting my 50's I've dealt with lots of new life events and the tougher ones in particular really shook up my worldview. I no longer take people (or things) for granted, I've found my path and I keep walking down it to see what's next. Sometimes it means cutting through those rough patches, the miry spots where I get stuck, or the thorny personal issues....but it's my path and I'm grateful to walk it.
THERE IS OFTEN NO RESCUE - JUST THE PATH TO BE WALKED
I also know that not everything will work out how I want it to. I still hope for resolution, I still hope for everyone to be happy, for every situation to turn out well, for life to be smooth and never rocky. But I'm also a realist, I know bad things happen to good people, I know there are greedy people, unkind people, messy situations and relationships, and all manner of pitfalls in my world - that will never change.
I can resent that, complain about it, dwell on injustice, churn over hurtful encounters, unmet expectations, thwarted hopes.....or I can create a path through them. I can choose how I navigate the ups and downs of life and I can use them as milestones that I pass and grow from - maybe not exactly what I'd wish for, but if they don't defeat me, and if I come through a little singed, but a whole lot wiser - then maybe the path I create is better for me than if I'd been rescued and not done the work myself.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Do you want sunshine and rainbows? Do tough times defeat you, or are you finding your path through to discovering a deeper and more grounded version of yourself? I always think of this image when life isn't quite what I planned and it makes me smile.
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I'm definitely more resilient than I used to be and am generally too impatient to wait for my path to be smoothed... although there are times when I wish someone would come along with a broom and do just that.
ReplyDeleteHi Jo - I think I've finally figured out that there are no miraculous rescues for me - that the challenges come for me to figure out how to get through them, and to grow in the process. That doesn't stop me wanting that person with the broom too though!
DeleteHi, Leanne - Like you, I'm solution focused and want issues fixed fast. Also like you, I've learned a great deal from walking through times of trouble. And sometimes, quite amazingly, those trouble times look quite different from the other side.
ReplyDeleteYou said it perfectly Donna - when we get to the other side we find that we learnt some valuable insights. I've also come to understand that there will always be difficult people or messy situations in real life, and it's up to me to deal with them with grace (and not run screaming in the other direction!) :D
DeleteHi Leanne. I really needed this post today. Since I've been back in the states, I've once again tried to connect with my mom. She turned 100 years old, in January, and I thought I would try to get her to talk with me. My brother encouraged me to call her, and after getting an encouraging message from her, agreeing to talk, I tried to call, today. I called several times, but then I got a message that she had blocked me. Things didn't turn out as I hoped, but I do feel like I can finally move on.
ReplyDeleteHi Christina - it's so hard when we expect a happy ending when we've worked hard towards one - but (as I wrote in my post) "I know bad things happen to good people, I know there are greedy people, unkind people, messy situations and relationships, and all manner of pitfalls in my world" and there are in yours too. It's especially hard when it's your mum, but you did all you could to repair the relationship, and it's sad that she has reached such an old age but still harbours unforgiveness for her daughter. We would never want to end our lives with that in our hearts, and that makes it harder to understand. I'm glad you've reached the point of acceptance and can put this behind you, but it's still sad for you, and for her. Sending you a big hug. x
DeleteIn a time of angst, a sage friend said to me, "Sit with this and see where it takes you." Like Donna said, troubled times look different from the other side. I often say to myself, "Let's see where this takes me."
ReplyDeleteIt's a lot about mindset isn't it Mona? I think when we slow ourselves down, don't panic, think rationally, and are prepared to sit in discomfort for a time...then we find our way through - maybe not the path we'd hoped for, but still a good and productive path nonetheless.
DeleteLeanne, I reconciled with my 'emotional path' years ago, and yes, there are boundaries, and discomfort at times, but my happiness is worth it. It's the physical path that still gives me pause. The pressure of making a huge mistake weighs heavily, but we are both of the mind to stay the course and see where it leads. The path won't reveal itself until we clear the weeds.
ReplyDeleteHi Suzanne - I hadn't thought about the paths as being separate, but you're right - we do the emotional work, but there are still all the daily challenges and the big life events that we need to find a path through. They're the ones I want the instant gratification for, but they're often the ones that just take time and persistance and a willingness to clear those weeds you mentioned. Good luck with yours. x
DeleteLove the poem by ullie-kaye, Leanne. “Once upon a time” I was unhappy with my life and I wanted to change it but did not know how. It took me ten years to discover what that change or changes could be. I wrote a book about it, the title, Permission Granted: How To Find and Follow a Path to a Life True to Your Self. The first hurdle one needs to cross is knowing it is OKAY to look for the path.
ReplyDeleteHi Judith - your book title fits this blog post perfectly (or vice versa!) And yes, you're so right in saying we need to start looking for a path rather than hoping someone will come along and save us, or that there will be a magic moment where our life just miraculously falls into place. We do the work, we clear our path, and we face our challenges with grace - that's how we find our way through isn't it? x
DeleteHi Leanne - It is so sad and unfortunate that most workplaces aren't healthy places. They are full of tension and stress. For me, during the last two-and-a-half months, I have been leading a far less stress-free life; doing everything at my pace without worrying about the time.
ReplyDeleteWhen I am faced with a challenge, I try to calm myself. If it's something I can resolve myself, I will try my best to do it; or else, I will pray for the situation to resolve itself.
-- Pradeep / Time and Tide
Hi Pradeep - I think retirement gives us our life back - we don't have to keep putting ourselves to the back of the queue and putting all the other workplace needs ahead of our own. That being said, it also opens our eyes to the things we've been putting off or not dealing with while we were busy - it's a time to step up and find a new path and to deal with stuff that we might have been able to ignore previously. A gift and a challenge!
DeleteI've been doing a bit of looking back (next week is my 10 year anniversary of blogging), realizing how many rough roads I've had to find a path through in my life and my retirement. I'm not one to look for someone to rescue me and yes, I've had significant personal development along the way. But I am hoping to have some sunshine and rainbows at the end of this current rough patch!
ReplyDeleteHi Pat - it's interesting to look back and to see what we've managed to work our way through, and that the sunshine is there at the end of it. I think when we're in the middle of the storm it's hard to believe that there's a rainbow anywhere ahead - but there will be, and you'll get there because you have the determination and wherewithall to find your path through the mess and out the other side. x
DeleteHi Leanne, I enjoyed reading your reflection, and relate to much of what you wrote. I too have realised so much more in my older decades. I think my younger self was often striving to be understood and to ‘fix’ things, whether in my life or others. I now realise the futility of that and am much more compassionate towards myself and others, which makes me happier.
ReplyDeleteHi Sue - I was a fixer for most of my life - it's only been the last few years that I've finally let some of that go. My problem was that I was so busy fixing everything that it was exhausting and I kept waiting for the miracle rescue to come along and save me from myself. That doesn't happen, we just slowly figure things out and decide where to focus our time and energy - I'm learning to let go of wanting what's "fair" and just accepting what life brings and dealing with it as positively and proactively as possible. Age does bring a degree of acceptance I think. :)
DeleteKnowing this and living this are so challenging to us at times…ok, most of the time. I understand lots of what you wrote about. I’m in the ‘needing to fix’ myself’ stage after emotional exhaustion aka burnout and it’s hard. However, I am yet to stop trying to help myself because it IS the only way through. I’m learning that I have more resilience than I realised but also that my body needed to stop for a while to recalibrate and when I did not pay enough attention, it said “enough”. This “Good Girl” is finding it hard to understand why I am not 💯 better by now …”It’s been 6 months…” but the compassionate me remembers it took over 10 years of trauma and grief to affect me so…
ReplyDeleteI am better but I still am learning more about how to pace myself now I am 75+…
Great reflections Leanne. Thank you Denyse x
Hi Denyse - a doctor friend of mine who specializes in depression once told me that it takes as long to recover from depression as it did to be depressed. So if you've been in trauma for ten years, you can't expect to pop out of the tunnel after a few months and be firing on all cylinders. I think that's the kind of idea I was getting at about wanting the miracle and for everything to be good - but then realizing that we just have to put one foot in front of the other and create a path through and out the other side. It takes time and persistance, but I think we come out stronger, braver, and wiser. You're on your path and that sunshine is ahead. :) x
DeleteHi Leanne, life has a way of knocking us down every now and again but it's how we bounce back up. As I age I find some things worry me more and I have to stop those thoughts or deflect them as soon as possible or find they can take over. Good to read your thoughts as always!
ReplyDeleteHi Deb - I'm finding that I need to nip worry in the bud as soon as I notice it's beginning to overwhelm my thinking. I remind myself of how pointless it is, and that I need to make a plan or a path and get through - rather than churning or praying for a rescue. Most of the time that works - but not always!
DeleteHi Leanne, when I was younger I used to think why does everyone else have their life sorted out and I don’t. I always felt that if I hit a low in my life that I had done something wrong. Of course the truth is that everyone has highs and lows in life which we have to learn how best to navigate. I think age helps us to realise that’s life, as the song goes! On a slightly different note, did you find your friendships altered after retirement, I’m new to retirement and I’m looking at things very differently nowadays. It’s as if I’m re-evaluating everything. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteHi - I think you're so right about not letting everyone else's highlight reels impact how we see our own life. It's so easy to feel like it all works out for other people and meanwhile I'm bogged down in something that isn't fair. I'm getting better at curating what I look at, who I follow, and knowing that life is never perfect - no matter how much I'd like it to be!
DeleteAs far as friendships go in retirement, yes, I noticed some fell away. My work friends really were just my work friends - they may still be on my FB friends list, but I just don't see them socially anymore. I also lost touch with the ones that I felt like I was putting all the work into keeping the connection. It's all about reciprocity for me now - so I have a handful of friends who I catch up with and I've just quietly let the rest slip away. I also don't want to be busy or rushing from one social outing to the next, so I happily let all that slide too. My life is very quiet, but I like it that way - if I didn't I'd be more proactive and engage more, so it's all in my court these days. I hope you find your sweet spot - and welcome to retirement - it's just fabulous!