tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4722898771124083282.post6554542845091133462..comments2024-03-28T08:54:28.654+08:00Comments on Cresting The Hill: LEARNING THE ART OF SAYING "NO" GRACIOUSLYLeannehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05623420015695351280noreply@blogger.comBlogger42125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4722898771124083282.post-25470123791908247982020-09-13T15:34:44.051+08:002020-09-13T15:34:44.051+08:00Hi Christie - I know that it took 50 years to reac...Hi Christie - I know that it took 50 years to reach the point where I started to understand that it was in my best interests to not agree to every request. I soooo wanted to be liked and appreciated, but if we're trying to earn approval at our own expense, then it's wrong on a lot of levels - now I just need to remind myself of that when I start to dither too.Leannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05623420015695351280noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4722898771124083282.post-45732258813601696262020-09-13T15:33:12.299+08:002020-09-13T15:33:12.299+08:00Hi Natalie - You're so right, and it takes exp...Hi Natalie - You're so right, and it takes experience and wisdom to truly recognize our core values and to stay true to them. Once we honour our "self" and follow what feels right, it certainly makes saying No easier - and gives us a good way to explain why we're refusing.Leannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05623420015695351280noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4722898771124083282.post-58865091750708799292020-09-13T15:31:45.173+08:002020-09-13T15:31:45.173+08:00Hi Denyse - it's tricky isn't it? We are o...Hi Denyse - it's tricky isn't it? We are offered "opportunities" that may prove to be burdens, we want to say Yes, but saying No is so much healthier. It's always a call on our wisdom and discernment - and our ability to know what self-care looks like as opposed to giving until we resent it, or being taken advantage of. I'm so glad you found the strength to choose your freedom and independence.Leannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05623420015695351280noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4722898771124083282.post-77027043670504789812020-09-11T20:20:43.292+08:002020-09-11T20:20:43.292+08:00Good question, Leanne. I am much better at saying ...Good question, Leanne. I am much better at saying no now than I used to be. It still makes me a little uncomfortable, but I do it. If I'm waffling, I ask myself why. Why the hesitation? And I let that guide my answer. One of the great things about growing older is we hopefully gain a little wisdom along the way and come to appreciate the value of time and invest it wisely. Thanks for the important reminder!Christie Hawkeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14897036282962474586noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4722898771124083282.post-72268088635448580982020-09-10T21:27:37.666+08:002020-09-10T21:27:37.666+08:00Hi Leanne, I think knowing our own core values, se...Hi Leanne, I think knowing our own core values, setting and staying true to what's important to spend our time on make it easier to say no to requests that don't match. Being honest about it helps both the requestor and the request recipient to move on. Very good comments before mine, too. Nataliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05151221243588416460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4722898771124083282.post-59456807926851945832020-09-10T16:45:25.383+08:002020-09-10T16:45:25.383+08:00We women are the carers, the pleasers, the connect...We women are the carers, the pleasers, the connectors and more...so we want 'everyone to be OK' . I don't think men (and yes, I am generalising) feel this to anything like the extent we do. My take is this, if I am wanting to say no but saying yes because I am 'flattered' that I was asked, then I need to re-think it. Recently, and it has happened to me a couple of times because of head and neck cancer and my on-line presence, I was asked to be a member of a cancer app where I could share my story and have others be 'inspired' and also get paid for this. ohhhh...Paid? Mmmm. I said I would think about it and then I let my wiser self take over. She said "do you want to continue to be a free and independent person or beholden to a group where you are paid?" My answer was a kind but firm, thanks but no thanks and the offer is still there for me but I will not pursue it. <br /><br />Thank you for linking up for life this week. Next week's optional prompt is 37/51 Remembering Sydney 2000. 14.9.2020 Hope you link up Denyse.Denyse Whelan.https://www.blogger.com/profile/16888810644186418559noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4722898771124083282.post-75173354871759184432020-09-10T13:45:32.604+08:002020-09-10T13:45:32.604+08:00It's that need for approval that undermines a ...It's that need for approval that undermines a lot of the decisions we make Min. I think I'm slowly learning how to separate myself from it, but it still kills my heart when I know I've disappointed someone or looked less than perfect to them. We'll get there inch by inch!Leannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05623420015695351280noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4722898771124083282.post-24383338850231069372020-09-10T13:44:00.669+08:002020-09-10T13:44:00.669+08:00Hi Patrick - I think it's a generational issue...Hi Patrick - I think it's a generational issue that hopefully we've managed to avoid passing on to our own children - and I'm really glad we woke up to it for ourselves before it was too late.Leannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05623420015695351280noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4722898771124083282.post-71127399448244290492020-09-10T13:42:56.876+08:002020-09-10T13:42:56.876+08:00Hi Laurie - it's definitely a thing for Midlif...Hi Laurie - it's definitely a thing for Midlife women - I think we raised our daughters to be more autonymous and more able to step away from the idea of keeping everyone happy. I'm glad we're all learning and that we still have decades ahead of us to fine tune it and become truer to ourselves xLeannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05623420015695351280noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4722898771124083282.post-42194981688397364672020-09-10T13:41:18.607+08:002020-09-10T13:41:18.607+08:00Hi Anne - I think family is the hardest place to s...Hi Anne - I think family is the hardest place to say No with integrity and firmness. Last Christmas I made the decision to say No to the extended family gathering (with my fairly disconnected brothers) and the fallout surprised me. You'd think we were kindred spirits instead of people who saw each other once or twice a year! I stuck to my guns and have no regrets, but man it was difficult to not give in for the sake of keeping up a good show - so I totally get where you're coming from!Leannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05623420015695351280noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4722898771124083282.post-80553524511220470442020-09-10T13:35:01.553+08:002020-09-10T13:35:01.553+08:00Great topic Leanne. I'm a lot better at the ar...Great topic Leanne. I'm a lot better at the art of saying no these days. Sometimes though I may pop in a little white lie to help me not feel so bad about it. If something doesn't feel right - I'm not going to do it anymore. Once upon a time I would sacrifice my own needs in order to please others but not anymore. I still do have a ridiculous need to feel valued and approved of by others though ... so I'm far from perfect and always a work in progress. xoMin - Write of the Middlehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11880899126465316282noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4722898771124083282.post-34136117518160915172020-09-10T08:19:02.015+08:002020-09-10T08:19:02.015+08:00Something that I am learning. I am really trying t...Something that I am learning. I am really trying to work on this. It is hard to say no but I am setting limits.<br /><br />Thanks for sharing these great tips. csuhpat1https://www.blogger.com/profile/12324673812333885120noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4722898771124083282.post-28267399728524324982020-09-09T20:31:48.226+08:002020-09-09T20:31:48.226+08:00I could definitely see myself in your post, Leann....I could definitely see myself in your post, Leann. I had to learn to work up the courage to say "no" too. I think a lot of us were people pleasers when we were younger, especially women. It's the way we were brought up. It was expected of us. Now that we are older, we are much more likely to stand up for ourselves, even if it means disappointing someone else. Your suggestions about the WAY to say "no" were spot on. Great post!Meditations in Motionhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08406003928113822953noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4722898771124083282.post-67505310356616597252020-09-09T16:57:15.186+08:002020-09-09T16:57:15.186+08:00Hi Leanne, I loved reading this post and I think y...Hi Leanne, I loved reading this post and I think you already know that I was, and still am at times, a people pleaser. It also took me years to learn to say no but to say it politely and compassionately rather than as an aggressive reaction. More recently though, and interesting timing with your post, I've been learning (again!) to say no to family. Somehow it took longer for me to get over the sense of duty and realise that even though they were family, I still have my boundaries and my values. Your picture was a nice reminder which I have saved - thank you ;) AnnesHappyClueshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04891022021401854348noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4722898771124083282.post-86086261624819216122020-09-09T08:46:21.883+08:002020-09-09T08:46:21.883+08:00Hi Ruchi - it's definitely a learning process ...Hi Ruchi - it's definitely a learning process figuring out the difference between self care and selfishness. People who never say Yes aren't who we want to become - we just need to work out when it's right to say No and how to do it without guilt and without offence - it's a tricky process!Leannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05623420015695351280noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4722898771124083282.post-76616908384334111402020-09-08T15:51:24.672+08:002020-09-08T15:51:24.672+08:00I think it all stems down to our upbringing. Help ...I think it all stems down to our upbringing. Help others, do as you are told. There was a time when I did uncomfortable things just to please others. I just couldn't say no. I am still learning the art of saying no without offending others. <br /><br />Ruchi Nasa https://the vagabond.me Thevagabondhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15982503101404966382noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4722898771124083282.post-19501382817609910742020-09-08T15:48:54.594+08:002020-09-08T15:48:54.594+08:00Hi Jennifer - I thought exactly the same about my ...Hi Jennifer - I thought exactly the same about my daughter. She puts herself and her marriage as her highest priorities - and that means saying No to a lot of things I'd never have dreamt of saying at her age and stage. I respect her choices and just wish I'd been as confident as she is - maybe my parenting wasn't too bad after all!?Leannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05623420015695351280noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4722898771124083282.post-43623683178303902742020-09-08T15:47:26.883+08:002020-09-08T15:47:26.883+08:00Hi Kathy - it's definitely a thing for our gen...Hi Kathy - it's definitely a thing for our generation isn't it? We had a very strong willed daughter and I remember reading a great book on curbing the will without breaking the spirit - and it was something I wish my parents had read! Nobody wants to be the pushy, insensitive, loud person, but we also don't want to be squeezed into a little box that involves pleasing everyone so we feel loved or accepted.<br />I'm reading Untamed on your recommendation and it resonates with me a lot in this area - the freedom to choose on our own terms is such a revelation isn't it?Leannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05623420015695351280noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4722898771124083282.post-81273732970271257282020-09-08T15:44:55.390+08:002020-09-08T15:44:55.390+08:00Hi Christine - I'm still working on the whole ...Hi Christine - I'm still working on the whole "No" thing - I wish I'd been better at it in my toxic workplace, I wish I'd started saying it a lot sooner in my church situation, and I am grateful that I found it before too many more years had slipped by. Sometimes I still feel guilty when I turn down something that I could fit into my schedule, but now I'm okay with focusing my energy where I feel it's best needed.Leannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05623420015695351280noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4722898771124083282.post-66307877582956710232020-09-08T15:36:50.970+08:002020-09-08T15:36:50.970+08:00Hi Janet - interesting that it's your husband ...Hi Janet - interesting that it's your husband and not you with the problem - I guess personality types (and birth order?) plays into more than I first thought. Being a peacemaker and not wanting to upset anyone definitely has a role in the process too. But I think it's something we can grow through and move on from - and I really like that :)Leannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05623420015695351280noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4722898771124083282.post-67645222841322610322020-09-08T15:35:12.648+08:002020-09-08T15:35:12.648+08:00Hi Corinne - I love that we're on similar path...Hi Corinne - I love that we're on similar paths too - it's definitely a Midlife woman thing (no matter what country we live in). The polite and firm "No" is going to be a big part of my life here on out because I refuse to be a push over anymore - and that's quite a liberating place to be in.Leannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05623420015695351280noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4722898771124083282.post-83894220207911541872020-09-08T15:33:53.257+08:002020-09-08T15:33:53.257+08:00Hi Suzanne - I think ego definitely has a part to ...Hi Suzanne - I think ego definitely has a part to play in all this - and that incessant desire to be liked and accepted that is such a hidden motivator for women. Doing something just because "I should" isn't enough anymore - putting my hand up for things that aren't mine to accept isn't going to happen either. I like that I'm able to say No with conviction these days.Leannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05623420015695351280noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4722898771124083282.post-88290287663068879952020-09-08T14:17:45.998+08:002020-09-08T14:17:45.998+08:00Hi Lydia - I find that really interesting because ...Hi Lydia - I find that really interesting because you seem like someone who knows their boundaries and is so confident - it helps when I see that even that type of person has issues in this area. We're all WIPs!Leannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05623420015695351280noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4722898771124083282.post-1334067027644166282020-09-08T14:16:49.201+08:002020-09-08T14:16:49.201+08:00Oh Jo I LOVED that quote! It said perfectly what I...Oh Jo I LOVED that quote! It said perfectly what I was trying to get at - we say yes when we don't want to, or we dither around while the other person dangles. Being brave enough to just suck it up and say No and take the consequences (good or bad) is what I've been learning - and it's much better for my mental health. I like that it also means the other person has the time and space to find someone else who might be better positioned to give them the Yes they're looking for.Leannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05623420015695351280noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4722898771124083282.post-47878565160961557802020-09-08T14:14:18.449+08:002020-09-08T14:14:18.449+08:00Hi Donna - Yes, I think we definitely need to be a...Hi Donna - Yes, I think we definitely need to be air traffic controllers or we end up with so much flying around us that we lose track of who we are and what's important. I know that I spent far too long trying to do everything so that I'd keep everyone happy. It wasn't a problem to do that, but it probably sucked a lot of time and joy out of my life. Now I know better, I'm more intentional in my Yes and No - being taken advantage of is just not going to be part of my lifestyle any more - I'm getting better at knowing what my time and headspace is worth :)Leannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05623420015695351280noreply@blogger.com