I don't know if it is a leftover from my 'oldest child' childhood or whether there is just something missing in my general makeup, but I have trouble giving myself permission to be happy.
Over the last few weeks I've made some inroads into sorting out my life. I've left the job behind that was sucking the joy slowly out of my life. I've given up being secretary of our church because I was feeling a little taken advantage of. I've managed to not dive into any more volunteer positions that I would be doing just for the sake of no-one else wanting to do them. I've taken a step back from a lot of the things that were wearing me down and because of all of these things, every now and then I get this little feeling of happiness.
I can be strolling along or cruising around on my bike and I'll look at the beauty around me and think how fortunate I am to be a part of it. This feeling oozes up inside me and I feel a sense of peace and contentment.
I relish having a husband who has loved me for more than 30 years and who is willing to support me pulling the plug on my job and staying at home under his feet. I look at my home and think how blessed I am to have a house that is more than what I need. How fortunate am I to have a husband and a home that give me security and sanctuary?
My children are doing really well with their spouses and with their careers and are settled into their own lives. We went to visit them last weekend and it was such a pleasure to see they've grown into really fine adults who are a credit to us as their parents. There was that quiet feeling of pride and a sense of accomplishment that I felt as I sat sharing time with them.
I am slowly coming to realize that I am allowed to feel happy. I don't have to question why I feel that way or worry about it not lasting. I don't have to feel guilty because my life has (finally) settled into a place where there are no major upheavals and things are going smoothly. Maybe I can just give myself permission to feel this sense of happiness, to be open to feeling like I deserve to be happy and I don't have to justify it to myself or to anyone else.
There are no guarantees for tomorrow or for what will happen down the track - there is no guarantee that I'll find another job, or that things won't get a bit tight financially, or that there won't be clouds on the horizon. But maybe, just maybe, I can enjoy this time in the sunshine and savour the moment and feel this quiet happiness and just be thankful for it. I am truly blessed by God and by this life I am in the process of living.
|a quiet happiness|