Last year parts of my life imploded before my eyes. My husband, who I had been supporting financially since his redundancy 3yrs before, decided he didn't want to be married any more and I was looking down the barrel of starting life over again with just my cat and a part time job. The scary thing is that there were parts of that scenario that were strangely appealing.
I read an article recently by Anna Moore that said "if you're fed up with family and work and feel it's time for an overhaul, you could be experiencing mid-life depression. But be careful what you wish for."
The catalyst to my midlife crisis was my husband telling me that I wasn't supportive of his hopes and dreams and he didn't want to be married any more - apparently I could move out because I could support myself and he'd stay home. After recovering slightly from being completely blind sided, I took my stand and "the worm turned". He finally acknowledged that his clinical depression had returned and got some help, took on a part-time job to contribute and apologised for pulling the rug out from under me.
On the surface everything was fine, but there was still something eating away underneath. I was crying anytime things got too stressful, thinking about having my own place and how I'd decorate it, and wondering how family events would pan out if I left. Basically life turned on it's head and I was the one thinking of leaving. I knew in my heart that I really wanted us to stay together, but I longed for some direction and hope for the future, and maybe a little "settled-ness" after the chaos.
I've since worked out that this is a combination of a lot of factors, menopause, situational depression, maybe a bit of PTSD, loss of relevance and uncertainty about the future. I've bitten the bullet and gone on a low dose of anti-depressant until I feel more balanced and I have a little more clarity in my life. My husband is now finishing up the part-time job and we're back on the treadmill of what he will do in the year ahead - but at least we're together and with time I'm sure some direction will come. In the meantime I choose carefully who I share my life with, try hard not to let the uncertainty of the future get to me and try to count my blessings. At least I know I'm not alone in this midlife stage - and I'm not about to run off to a yurt in Nepal or visit a guru in India - no, I'll stay put and try my best to make lemonade out of those lemons that keep being thrown at me. "Delicious Ambiguity"