DON'T LET YOUR TITLE DEFINE YOU
One of the hurdles that came with leaving work and settling into an early retirement was the issue of who I was if I wasn't defined by my job or by what I was doing each week. It was a strange feeling to go from having a defined job title and a weekly schedule to being completely untethered and free to do whatever I chose. The responsible oldest child inside me felt like I needed to keep justifying those choices to myself and to others.
Basically I was defining my self worth on a title, or a job....how ridiculous that seems now, but it was very real when this retirement journey began so unexpectedly.
JAMES CLEAR 3-2-1
I receive James Clear's 3-2-1 email each week and it often has a wise word or two in it that make me pause and think. A few weeks ago (it's been mulling around in my head for a while!) his email mentioned getting caught up in a title trap. This is part of what he said:
Don't let a title become a trap.There are many ways to live an amazing life. Stop thinking about the status of a particular title and focus on the substance of what you want. You’ll often find there are many ways to get similar amounts of joy, purpose, or freedom.
James Clear
SO WHO AM I WITHOUT A TITLE?
I never thought of myself as being defined by a career or by a job title, but underneath I think there was a certain amount of my self-esteem that was based on how much I got done each week - being super efficient in my job, volunteering in more than one area, keeping up with all the home chores, and fitting in a social life around it all. I was busy and I was proud of all I could accomplish during my working week.
Now I have seven days a week where I have very few firm commitments. Virtually everything in my life is flexible and if I wrote it down on paper it would look very mundane and probably pretty boring. I don't have a job title, I don't volunteer anywhere at the moment, I don't have a lot of friends, my children live a couple of hours away. It's just me, my husband, and our two cats - life is very quiet.
MANY PATHS TO HAPPINESS
When I look back on those very busy working years, I would have said I was happy and that I had purpose. I would also not have said (except to myself and a few close confidantes) that there were a lot of times when I wasn't happy, when I was tired, frustrated, too busy juggling too many balls, and just not at peace within myself. On the outside I looked competent, capable, and in control....on the inside I was doing what needed to be done because I didn't have any other options.
I might have lost all those titles, but in the process I found a different kind of purpose and a new, unexpected freedom; the freedom that comes with having a flexible timetable that is based on what feels right for the week, rather than what needed to be done to get by. I discovered a whole new way of living - one that might not appeal to the go-getters of the world, but one that I love and it contains so many less "have to's" and a whole lot more "want to's". I see it as becoming a "go-better" instead of a "go-getter" - and I like that a whole lot more than I expected to.
James Clear also mentioned:
If you attach your happiness to a single path, you'll become blind to other wonderful opportunities around you. And many of them might be a better fit for you or deliver a similar result with less struggle.
James Clear
IT'S NOT ABOUT WHAT WE DO OR DON'T DO
I didn't realize it when I was younger and so much busier, but I truly believe now that I was born to be retired - I love it more than I ever expected to. It took me a while to adjust to the idea of no longer working; being thrust into a situation unexpectedly always means I need more time for adjustment. But, like being a grandparent, the joys of retirement are well kept secrets. Maybe I didn't know enough retirees when I was younger, so I never got to hear how lovely this stage of life is. Maybe I wouldn't have believed them? Maybe I needed to experience it for myself to fully understand that you can have a wonderful life that doesn't involve having any defining titles attached to it.
I'm finding that I'll never be one of those people who needs to fill the day with busyness to prove their value, I've moved SO far from that desire. I think I needed to sit in the discomfort of being uprooted and rudderless for a couple of years, I needed to un-retire and return to work to see if that was important to me (it turned out that it no longer appealed), I needed to consider who I was and what I wanted if I wasn't going to work anymore, and then I could put all those discoveries together to finally figure out what makes a really good life. I now know for sure that it doesn't involve a job description - I can just be me.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
I think as we age, we still hold onto a few titles - mine have changed from a job description to more personal values - wife, mum, nan, friend, and contented homebody. What titles would you give yourself and do they still include a job description?
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Hi Leanne, I am reading your post with a huge smile. Isn’t Dental Hygiene in our blood? Our calling? Our passion? You will always be a Dental Hygienist. LOL
ReplyDeleteInteresting about the title trap. I just finished talking to a friend about the concept of labels in general. Titles (sort of) fall into this conversation.
I am nodding my head “yes” to what we told ourselves in private when we were working at a career we ‘loved.’ The ‘single’ path also resonates as how that is not feasible over a lifetime. Lots of food for thought, once again. Thank you for being you, Leanne. 💕Erica
I laughed at Dental Hygiene being a calling Erica - it certainly paid the bills and it was a job that brought me a lot of satisfaction, but so did the other jobs I held afterwards. But.... they never felt as joyful as retirement does. I'm grateful for them because they provided the means to this end, but once I let go of the idea of who I am being based on what I do, the relief was immense.
DeleteWe are so blessed to live this life - and to be able to share our thoughts and encourage each other on the journey - thank you for being my sister-on-the-other-side-of-the-world. xx
Ah Leanne, another thought filled post to ponder! Thank you for sharing your words as I always learn something new and it’s often about you too! I admit I LOVE my labels..titles..whatever as they have been not only hard earned but I know they are a part of me always. I also know I like to share that I am Denyse…and yes like many at our time of life….in retirement and ageing.( I am in a different decade to you) it may seem irrelevant but I find it helps me connect with others more. And as I like to do that, and it’s at my pace and choosing, I will continue to be both proud and grateful for my career in teaching. I also have needed to move away from the labels that had me stuck…the oral cancer trauma now acknowledged and moved aside, grief and anxiety about my emotional exhaustion aka burnout which was not career related but LIFE related. I am glad you are content within and in your life now. Denyse x
ReplyDeleteHi Denyse - I thought it was interesting when I saw that you added your teacher qualifications to your profile on Substack. I have Dental Therapy qualifications and Call Centre qualifications - and a few other labels, but they don't hold the same meaning for me - and they're not part of my identity these days. We let things go when they're not a label that fits any longer and we move onto new paths in our journey. I'm glad you're moving on from some of the darker labels and embracing lighter and less heavy ones these days. Life always brings new thoughts and new challenges that we can choose to embrace and grow from. x
DeleteHi Leanne. We retired before I turned 50, and Tim was 52, and then we were on our way overseas. I never had a chance to question my identity. I was too busy adjusting to a travel lifestyle, and living in a different country, and being exposed to different cultures. All those experiences defined who I am now, and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I'm so happy with the life we have, now, as well. Our lifestyle has changed, and though we still plan to take road trips, in the US, we now have a home to come back to. I loved reading this post, and about what retirement means to each of us. ♥️
ReplyDeleteHi Christina - you did well to have such an interesting distraction during the transition from career to retirement. Mine was more abrupt and disorienting. I found it interesting that the jobs I'd had over the years left their mark and they were part of who I saw myself as - letting all that go, figuring out who I was without them, and not needing to give myself a label has been a journey for me. I love where I am now - and the upheaval was worth it for the outcome (much like your expat life set you up for appreciating your return to homeground).
DeleteHi, Leanne - I loved my career, but like you, retirement brings the most joy. I am happy to use that title anytime, anywhere!
ReplyDeleteHi Donna - yes! It's nice to have the labels and titles when they were needed, but even nicer to put them on the shelf and free ourselves up to live however we like now. Retirement is such a joy.
Delete"If you attach your happiness to a single path, you'll become blind to other wonderful opportunities around you. And many of them might be a better fit for you or deliver a similar result with less struggle." This is exactly where I am right now. While it's not time for me to retire, I am gearing up for some changes from my comfortable, settled part time teaching job to, hopefully, self-employment that will allow me to grow while also giving me more flexibility. It's scary, changing. Regardless, your post today is a good reminder to not put so much stock in titles, but to find our identity in more lasting, meaningful things. Teacher and entrepreneur are nice labels, but wife, mom, daughter, friend are forever titles.
ReplyDeleteHi Laura - you said that beautifully, and I think it's because you're on that journey of letting go of a title that has been part of who you are, and risking what it takes to redefine yourself in a way that's more meaningful for you at this stage of life and going into the future. It's brave and it's challenging - change scares me too - but good on you for stepping up and seeing what you have within you to create this next phase. I hope it all goes well as you stretch yourself. x
DeleteThank you Leanne, for another thought-provoking post. I understand very well what you're saying and I totally agree regarding titles and labels but unfortunately we live in a world where your worth is often determine by titles. Very often, when people ask you what you do in life (meaning profession) is to determine if you're 'Somebody'. I read a very good book on that subject. The first question often is 'How are you?' followed by 'What do you do?'. I, for one don't care about titles and labels (let's just say that I am not impressed when people boost about their career and their achievements.). I am more impressed about their character and their personal values. Simply stated, I look at their heart. I love the way you live your life based on simplicity and values. 🧡
ReplyDeleteHi Yvonne, I think retirement has helped me to see that the people who focus on titles and labels aren't really my people....and they probably never were. I'm not interested in someone's career - especially when it's in the rearview mirror - I'm interested in what they're doing now, who they are, what interests them, and whether there's any reciprocation in the relationship. I've moved on from a lot of the more shallow interactions with people who are focused on the outer, and I'm sticking with the few who are just good people enjoying life without comparing or competing - it's a much more peaceful way to interact. x
DeleteLove the idea of being a "go-better" and not a "go-getter". But do not like the title "retired" Never have been retired and never will be. Want always to enjoy being a "go-better". Thanks for that, Leanne!!!
ReplyDeleteHi Judith - I struggled with the word "retired" too - but it's what I am, and once I accepted that and embraced it for what it offers, I'm okay with it all. I think turning 60 made me less bothered by being a retiree and now I'm just grateful that I don't have to go to work for someone else anymore. Vive la difference :) x
DeleteI think my favorite phrase in your post is.... it contains so many less "have to's" and a whole lot more "want to's". That to me is really about this stage of life. And because I like structure, I do have many things on the weekly calendar that I want to do. And I had the aha that a number of things that don't seem to get done on my to-do list are one's I would not classify as want-to. They are kinda have-to, but not critical timing have-to, unless I wait too long.
ReplyDeleteI've also learned that parts of myself from my career are parts of my authentic self. I am a researcher, I love to synthesize things and figure out so what. So that is pat of my identity, title or not. My actual title...well my company had a term for my job that no other company used, so I've never been able to use that title and it mean anything!
Hi Pat - I feel much the same way - it's about not feeling guilty for pushing aside the stuff that doesn't resonate any longer. Some things still need to be done, and we still need to suck up our responsibilities, but we do it in our own way and prioritise on our own timetable.
DeleteI've had three or four job titles over my working life and none of them really defined me. They were a part of who I was, but I'm just not impressed by other people's titles, so why would I be pushing mine into the conversation? It's kind of freeing letting all that go, and choosing other topics when I talk to people - the less we discuss work, the less job titles are mentioned - and I'm good with that. :)
Hi Leanne, I’ve been retired for under a year and I’m still settling in to who I am now. I’ve noticed I feel uncomfortable when I’m talking to a new group of people and say I’m retired, only to find they’re older than me and still working. I almost feel guilty. It’s like I’m waiting for someone to question me. I’m sure once I find my feet in retirement I’ll be much more comfortable. I’m 60 and I very much wanted to retire when I did last year, the time was right for me. I’m not really sure why I feel this way when I’m enjoying every moment of my retirement.
ReplyDeleteI totally get it - because I was the same! I felt like I "should" be working and that being retired was lazy or that people would think I'd had an easy ride or something. It was ridiculous now I look back at it all. I think I had to work through the fact that I'd always thought retirement would be a long way away and that we'd be on a pension etc. To find ourselves comfortably off, not needing to work, and loving retirement was such a headspin for me - and it took a lot of processing to be comfortable with it all.
DeleteYou may need that year or two to get your head around it all too, and for others to catch up with you and to be enjoying retirement too. My closest friend retired last year and now I feel she understands my choices more - and I bet she wishes she'd left years ago - people are very reluctant to voice their admiration - and very quick to question or downplay something they don't understand. You go ahead and rock this retirement gig - we're so blessed to be able to enjoy it all right now - go us! :)
I so enjoyed reading this, Leanne! You often express things that I find both incredibly relatable and helpful. While I’m at a slightly different stage—close to retirement but haven’t quite ‘pulled the trigger’ so to speak—you’ve given me a lot to think about. Thank you for sharing your life and thoughts in the way you do. I’m so glad we connected—you’ve given me a lot of useful insights.
ReplyDeleteHi Sue - I think it's always helpful to hear from people who are slightly further along the path than we are. I wish I'd understood retirement better than I did before I launched into it so unexpectedly. I associated it with old age pensions and elderly people - I had no idea it could be a time of freedom and walking my own path. I highly recommend it when the time comes for you to join the party. x
DeleteThis post really resonated with me, Leanne. I've definitely defined myself by various titles over the years: responsible daughter, student, wife, mother, executive. Retirement has been a journey of discovery for me to let go of specific titles and just enjoy the journey...both the doing and the intentionally not doing, just being (if that makes sense). I love the James Clear quotes, which go nicely with my WOTY, Possibilities.
ReplyDeleteHi Christie - it's definitely a learning process and it's different for each of us. I think there's a degree of re-invention that needs to happen - where we shed our old labels and choose new ones that feel like a better fit. You're certainly moving in that direction.
DeleteHi Leanne, retirement is certainly a whole different ball game and one I am relishing too. It's great not having too many firm commitments but enough for me to stay engaged, as that's what I like to do. I rarely think of my previous occupation these days except that I'm lucky it had a good super scheme attached and I'm doing Ok thanks to all that hard work I put into making it a career. I am very fortunate to live the life I do!
ReplyDeleteHi Deb - it's amazing how we can be thrown for a loop and then find ourselves in an even better place than we'd have been in if we stayed. And yes, super is the gift that keeps on giving (particularly for those who were employed by the govt!) I never realized how something that I took for granted could turn out to be the answer to living a very comfortable third/third of life :)
DeleteAn Oprah show resonates with me. She challenged viewers to stand up & say who you are when someone says, in a certain tone, "Who do you think you are?" It's a challenge to define one's self without using a title. First, I'm a human being living on this planet earth. I've come to understand the line from Desiderata - you are a child of the universe. I now get to spend time in the home that I left each day for years in order to pay for it & create a lifestyle that I can fully enjoy in retirement. Time management is important in retirement when the majority of the day isn't taken up with formal job responsibilities. I found I needed to do time so time wouldn't do me. So, each day, I commit to doing something that needs doing & something that wants doing. I am me.
ReplyDeleteI love all that Mona. I have a friend who never seems to struggle with self-esteem, and yet she's not proud or arrogant. When I asked her how she could be so self-assured, she said she doesn't feel any need to compare herself to others, she's a child of God and that is enough for her - she just rests in that. It's a sobering thought to just be who we were created to be and not to get caught up in the world's hype.
DeleteI also love your formula for dealing with the day - and your gratitude for what you have from the years of working and saving - I feel exactly the same. Every day I pause to relish this lovely life I've been given - and it's a relief to let go of those working titles and all that went with them.
I have recently decided to retire in 5 years, which will make me 52 when I retire. I am so excited, but it is a lot to wrap my head around! Our culture values busy-ness so much, but I am convinced that it is making everyone sick.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your journey. ❤️
Hi Bethany - it's so good that you're planning ahead. My biggest adjustment was leaping in unexpectedly and trying to find my feet - 'do I find another job?' or 'how do I fill my time?' etc - once everything settled, I realized what a privilege it is to retire early and not be working to sustain a lifestyle that gives me more but drains me dry in the process. You're going to love it I'm sure.
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