THAT OLDEST DAUGHTER MINDSET
As I've mentioned many times here, I'm an oldest daughter - I'm super responsible, super conservative, super practical, and basically super boring. When it comes to life choices, I will always play safe - I'm not a risk taker and I don't handle change well.
That mindset can work really well when there's the need to have your nose to the grindstone to get established in life and to build a secure foundation for the family. But it also makes me feel like the killjoy and the person who rains on the parade when my husband (a youngest child) gets one of his great ideas and I'm shooting it down for all the risks, rather than letting him run with the rewards.
THE ROLE PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE PLAYS
Somewhere along the line I seem to have taken on the role of being the "sensible one" - it probably started in childhood, and continued into adulthood. I'd always be weighing the pros and cons before any decision was made. I'd be juggling the finances, paying extra towards the home mortgage, always opting for the less expensive choice, reining in our spending wherever possible. And both of us would agree that it's paid off over the decades.
THE PAYOFF FOR CAREFUL PLANNING
I counterbalance those more frivolous choices with the very sensible and careful ones we've made - to add all those extra payments into our mortgage to pay it off early, to not have credit card debt, to not take out personal loans, to save, to be thrifty, to do due diligence on big purchases, to wait for sales, to prioritise what was important to invest our time and finances into and to not waste them.
We chose to educate our children well, we worked hard, we made sacrifices, and we invested when and where we could. We were never well off, and I always had this nagging worry that we'd end up living on the old age pension in a little house that we couldn't afford to heat.....and we'd be eating leftovers or catfood for dinner! But, you know what.....none of what I worried about so much happened. We did all that sensible, safe, stable, thrifty living for decades and it led to us retiring early, debt free, and living a very pleasant life together in a home we both love.
LIVING IN THE PRESENT AND NOT THE PAST
What I'm now training myself to do - and have been for the last few years - is to let go of that tight grip I've kept on everything - that control that got us safely through the lean times. I need to remember that life's easier now and I don't need my knee-jerk response to any big spend that always used to be to say "no" or to over-think it to death and to choose the most sensible, practical, probably joyless option. I don't always have to ask - What will last the longest? What is the best value for money? Do we really need it or can it wait a little longer? And on and on with the list... Now I'm pulling myself up when I do that and asking myself if I'm just playing safe and retreating into old patterns, or if there really is a need to be so frugal.
What looks like consistency and commitment can sometimes be fear in disguise. Are you sticking with it because it still serves you or because it's what you already know?
James Clear
The latest example of this (and the inspiration for the thoughts behind this post) is the decision to upgrade my husband's current car. He drives a very "practical" sedan that looks good, drives well, and has been an excellent "safe" purchase that I was very involved in choosing. When we bought it ten years ago, I reminded him of the European moneypit car, and that this sedan was a dream in comparison.
What I wasn't doing was listening to his heart. He has always wanted a sports car - something with a bit of get-up-and-go that looks sleek and is "fun". It was never an option in our days of budgeting and fitting a family of four into a vehicle. And when the kids left home I'd just make jokes about "male midlife crisis" and why on earth he'd want something so "impractical"?
THE NEW BABY
After a big discussion over what car to change over to this time, and a deep dive into different worldviews, birth order, scarcity mindsets, letting go of always playing safe, and so much more, I realized I was being a killjoy for no real reason. If he wants to drive his dream car at 65, who am I to say "no"? He would never rain on my parade, so why would I play that role when it's no longer needed? He wasn't lusting after a Ferrari, or a Maserati, he just wanted something that would be fun to drive. We could afford it, there's only the two of us sitting in it, and it would be fun - who doesn't love a cute car?
So, I still did the due diligence and looked at all the newish cars for sale online - and lo and behold, the perfect model, the perfect colour - exactly what he was looking for - was available for the perfect price a couple of hours drive away. Long story short..... Happy spouse, happy house......
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Are you learning that life is short and to live with an open hand instead of holding on with a tight fist? Are you finding that the second half of life is freeing you up to be less "sensible"? Is the second half of life the best half of life?
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What a lovely story of the journey to well- deserved spontaniety in your life. Enjoy the fun Leanne
ReplyDeleteHi Judith - it's definitely been a lesson in letting go - and enjoying a little of the fruit of our labour. He's really happy - and that makes me happy too. :)
DeleteLeanne, Malcolm is the frugal/conservative one in our family. He overanalyzes everything, but his diligence has brought us to a comfortable place, and I am grateful for that. We have spent more on travel in the past two years than we had in the past 10 because we both realized 'if not now, when?' He has been driving a 'practical' car for almost 11 years and is now considering something 'fun.' Can't wait to see what that looks like.
ReplyDeleteAs far as your questions. We still feel a responsibility to safeguard our future, and we still weigh big financial decisions carefully, but we are more likely to have what we want, guilt-free. In terms of financial freedom, the second half of life has definitely been better. I'm glad we were frugal, responsible, and thrifty in our younger years. It has paid off.
Congrats on the new car. It agrees with him.
Hi Suzanne - I think all marriages need a frugal, thrifty, good-with-money management person to get them on the right path. I've seen plenty where both are spenders and they have a great time to begin with, but are left playing catch-up when the rest of us are sliding into that nice place of having some spare cash and less need to work.
DeleteWe're very happy that I played it so safe, but there definitely comes the time when we need to enjoy some of the fruit of all that hard work - our kids don't need it and it's a shame to leave it all sitting in the bank. Now I just have to figure out what to spend it on next - I really do need to lift my travel game!
Hi Leanne. I can't say we've always played it safe, either Tim or I. Tim has always been the adventurous one, but he's usually been able to talk me into something after he's done careful research. Before moving overseas, he analyzed everything, then presented to me how it would work for us. It was the same thing when we bought a house, site unseen, and moved back to the states. Now we're still having adventures, but in a different way, based on our current financial situation. We've had to make adjustments here, of course, buying a new car, for example, but we're still living within our means, and still having a blast. Thank you for sharing. Love this post. ♥️
ReplyDeleteHi Christina - you guys have certainly packed in the adventures over the last decade - I've always envied people who do the ex-pat thing and live such interesting lives. I'll always be a homebody, but I definitely recognize that it's time to loosen the purse strings a little and live life when the opportunities present themselves. Considering things and then spending wisely is definitely the way to go from here on out. I love that we get to enjoy some of what all that hard work produced. x
DeleteI understand your fears and why…and you have been diligent in your outlook to this point helping ensure your safe and secure retirement lives …and now, you are being less so, and it made your husband feel good…and you are, I hope,enjoying the fun times too. What do they say…life’s too short. This is a great post about being loving and flexible in your latter years as a couple. Denyse x
ReplyDeleteHi Denyse - changing ways I'm set in is really hard - but I'm also becoming more aware of the "why" behind my knee-jerk responses. I still default to diligence over delight, but this time I pushed through, and he's so happy - and that makes me happy by default. And yes, it's fun to go for a drive together and stop for a coffee and cake - life is too short to die with a full bank account but no moments of joy. x
DeleteHi Leanne - I have just entered the 2nd half of my life. I am enjoying so far the stress-free and slow-paced daily routine. There are lots of things that are keeping my occupied. Yes, I have begun to "let go" of a lot of things.
ReplyDelete(My latest post: The city that went back in time)
Hi Pradeep - letting go has been one of the biggest lessons that Midlife has brought my way. I hadn't realized how fear driven my life was, and how much nicer it is to live with a lighter heart and with less fear of not having enough.
DeleteLeanne, I'm not the oldest child, but I am the oldest daughter. I never looked into the difference and always just thought of myself as the middle child, but all your words hit home - sensible, safe, responsible, conservative. I've joked about still having the "bag lady syndrome" in worrying about money (yes, the living on the streets because there's no money left.). I still cut coupons, wait for sales, and never buy the expensive meal at the restaurant. We never took the fancy vacations (except the one trip to Africa!), still fly economy, rent the sub-compact car, and stay at the "cheap hotels". And yet in life, we are very well-off financially. Yes, I bought myself my Jeep... a frivolous car, but I got the base model, not the high end model! But frivolous in every day life? Frivolous on travel plans? Frivolous on eating out? I simply don't know how to break away from the responsible, practical, take no risks person that I am!
ReplyDeleteHi Pat - I totally get it - and you're describing me exactly. I also find it easier to spend on those I love than on myself. I'm very good at making-do with the basics and feeling like it's a splurge if I spend on anything that's a bit more expensive. I'm not sure that I'll ever break out of my frugal mindset, but I hope that I can have moments like this where I push through the fear and allow some joy to come from that financial security.
DeleteFrivolous just sounds so frivolous - and my responsible self doesn't do that very well at all - but maybe little bursts of it here and there would be good for my soul - and yours too. x :)
HI Leanne,
ReplyDeleteThis really resonates with me. Even as the youngest, I’ve tended to be cautious with money, but loosening up a bit in recent years has brought so much more joy and abundance. Funny how what I thought I was protecting was actually holding me back.
Also, what a gorgeous photo of your husband with the car! He looks so happy, and you sound happy too.
Hi Sue - he is really happy and that makes me happy too. The bonus is that we're out and about more because he's enjoying driving and I'm enjoying the stop overs for morning tea! I think there's probably a balance somewhere in the middle of being too frugal and being a spendthrift - it's tricky getting it right - but so good when we do! :)
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