WHEN A NEW NORMAL IS BETTER THAN YOU EXPECTED

Life can force us into situations we hadn't planned for, but sometimes we find that things fall apart so that they can bring something far better into our life.

WHEN THE UNEXPECTED HAPPENS

Anyone who's been reading my posts over the last several months knows that I left my job in less than satisfactory circumstances. I'd pushed through for years dealing with a very difficult workmate who had a lot of issues that rained down on me while I tried to help, and also do my work efficiently. Ultimately it didn't end well (surprise surprise!) and I finally gave up and put in my notice.

The weeks and months after leaving were quite tumultuous because I needed to recover my equilibrium again, repair my sense of self, and then figure out what my new normal was going to look like. I was 57, unsettled, upset, and at a bit of a loose end. So many questions were whirling around inside my head as I tried to decide what I should do next -  my first thought was to pull up my socks, get back on my bike and start pedalling hard again in the same direction. But, was that the best decision for me, or just a knee jerk reaction because I didn't know any better?

SOMETIMES THINGS TURN OUT DIFFERENTLY

It took me a few months to feel on top of things enough to make some sensible decisions. In the meantime I'd applied for a job, been hugely relieved when I didn't get it, and kept my eye on the Situations Vacant column waiting for more jobs to appear - but almost dreading the thought of putting an application together and risking ending up in another thankless job or working with another controlling, manipulative co-worker. To say the least, I was feeling quite unsettled and unsure of what to do next.

A large part of me felt that it was expected that I'd go back to work, that I'd get back up on the horse and keep trotting along doing what I'd always done. I worried that people would think I was lazy if I stayed home, that my family would think I wasn't pulling my weight, that financially we'd be in strife, and so many other external factors were coming into play. The one voice that I couldn't hear was my own - it was being drowned out by all the other assumptions I was making about the expectations of other people.

MEETING THE EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS

Maybe I was more materialistic or consumer focused than I realized, because my thoughts all revolved around finances and how I should be out there, nose to the grindstone, contributing my share to the family  income. I assumed that everyone else expected the same thing from me (and I'm sure a lot of my working friends did - but certainly not everyone). I read this interesting quote from Marc and Angel that relates to how we allow our consumerist society into our heads and subsequently to dictate our worth:

When you find yourself trapped between what moves you and what society tells you is right for you, always travel the route that makes you feel alive – unless you want everyone to be happy, except you.

They’ll try to measure your worth based on what you have, instead of who you are. But you know better than that – material things don’t matter. Don’t chase the money. Catch up to the ideas and activities that make you come alive. Go for the things of greater value – the things money can’t buy. What matters is having strength of character, an honest heart, and a sense of self-worth. If you’re lucky enough to have any of these things, never sell them. Never sell yourself short.


One day it just clicks. You realize what's important and what isn't. You learn to care less about what other people think of you and more about what you think

LIVING THE DREAM

It probably took six months, a lot of discussion with my husband, some input from my kids, some encouragement from an online counselor, and some cheering on from my blogging and IRL friends - before I finally realized that I was veering steadily away from returning to work. I had actually slipped quietly into a new normal that involved being home living a quiet life, and loving every minute of it. 

Several years ago I saw this e-card and it was one of the first things I saved to Pinterest when I started my account there (40,000 pins ago!) Funnily enough, it popped up again the other day and I realized that I'd originally saved it because it was the unattainable dream - fancy being able to stay at home for no reason other than playing Mum to my cats... and all of a sudden, here I was, at home and doing just that. I'd ended up exactly where I wished I could be a few years ago and I needed to stop for a moment and take in the fact that I was actually living the dream!

I just want to be a stay-at-homecat mom; is that reallytoo much to ask?

LOVING MY NEW NORMAL

The joys of my new normal are numerous. For starters I'm no longer stressed - I don't see quotes about stress and think "oh yeah - that's me" I see them now and can't believe that I lived like that for so long. I've lost 6 kilograms - I'm sure it's partly from less stress and less cortisols, but also because I have more time to exercise and I'm not comfort eating. I don't dread Mondays anymore - when I see the "Oh No it's Monday!" memes I smile and head off for my morning walk with a spring in my step (instead of being weepy at the thought of going into that awful workplace). I have more time to do the things I love, my timetable is completely flexible, I'm free to spend time with my family and friends, and I'm living the Unbusy life that I have always yearned for.

Once I stopped trying to return to the same old ways, doing the same old stuff, feeling the same old sense of soldiering on, life changed and it changed for the better. Being at home wasn't the lazy, boring, selfish thing that I'd thought it would be; instead, it's turned out to be exactly what my soul needed. It's given me the time and space to live a life of contentment and let go of striving, it's opened up a world I hadn't known I'd be allowed to experience in my 50's - and I'm grateful for it each and every day. I resisted the change that was forced on me, but when I stepped back and accepted it, I discovered a new normal that far exceeded what had come before. I'm almost grateful that I was forced to leave my job - it's not what I would have chosen to do, but it's led me into a far better place and I have no complaints what-so-ever.

Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?

WHAT ABOUT  YOU?

Are you loving your life? Are you resisting change or letting it lead you into a new normal? Are you finding that life now is better than you expected or are you holding tight to old ways because you're afraid of what would come with letting go?

RELATED POSTS


Life can force us into situations we hadn't planned for, but sometimes we find that things fall apart so that they can bring something far better into our life.
Life can force us into situations we hadn't planned for, but sometimes we find that things fall apart so that they can bring something far better into our life.
Life can force us into situations we hadn't planned for, but sometimes we find that things fall apart so that they can bring something far better into our life.
Life can force us into situations we hadn't planned for, but sometimes we find that things fall apart so that they can bring something far better into our life.
one day you wake up in a new place - a happy and peaceful place, and you realize it was all worth it. #mermaidmusings

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42 comments

  1. I think you probably know my thoughts on this one is - I love my new normal even though I know that I resisted it and resented the why behind the change. I think I've finally let go of that bitterness, but sometimes it still takes me by surprise.

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    1. That's me to a Tee Jo - I resented being put in a position where I had to leave behind what I thought was going to be a good finish to my working life, but the fallout has proven to be soooo much better than if I'd stayed where I was. Sometimes we need to be given a good shove in the right direction!

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  2. I am so happy for you, Leanne. Sometimes it takes some trial and error to figure out where we are supposed to be. I retired 2 years ago and am so happy with that decision. Sunday nights are no longer dreaded, I have more energy and more time to do the things that bring me joy (like blogging), and I have actually lost about 9 pounds! I love my new normal!

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    1. You sound just like me! I used to waste so much of Sunday afternoon and evening dreading Monday morning and now it's just another lovely day in my week. I'm so unstressed these days and can't believe I put up with so much for so long - I love this retirement gig!

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  3. I cried for the first 6 months after my Neurologist convinced me to stop the work madness. I knew it was best for my health, but boy was it a struggle.......in the beginning! The silver lining that I didn’t expect was that my whole world would be turned upside down in the most glorious of ways. I finally had some energy and the time to redefine myself into who I was actually meant to be before all the “busyness” of my work life took over and pushed “me” out of myself. Good for you for coming to that realization! Enjoy your time, you deserve it! ❤️

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    1. Hi Raegan - it sounds like we both escaped from misery! I can't believe how we keep pushing through while trying to convince ourselves that we'll find the key to turn things around and make it all work. It took me far too long to realize that you can't change people who don't want to change, you can only save yourself. I was on the way to a nervous breakdown and I am SO glad I'm out of there - I loved your "glorious" description - just perfect!

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  4. I can relate to this. I was laid off from my job a couple years ago. I didn't hate it, but I was relieved to have the break. A career track was never my thing. We manage with my husband's income and I do some side work to supplement. I love not dreading Mondays too, and having the freedom to spend my time how I like. Still figuring out a new focus, besides my side work though.

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    1. I'm still a bit of a work in progress in that regard too Lori. My husband's wage is just enough for me to not have to work, but part of me would still like to contribute more. It's just so hard to even think about going back to trudging thru the 9-5 again. Maybe if I had something I loved? But I've yet to discover if that even exists!

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  5. This is one of those times I say that "things happen for a reason." We've had a couple of big ones in our lives too. My husband was a truck driver and involved in an accident during which a woman was killed. It was not totally his fault as she made a lane change abruptly in front of him but he ended up losing his job. We went through a really bad stretch, not only because he couldn't work but also because of the situation. Coming through on the other side, he got a great union job and worked for over 18 years with good pay and great benefits. Much better than if he had stayed with the trucking company. Still, you don't really know that when the initial incident occurs, right? Happy that you have found your reason!

    Janet’s Smiles

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    1. Hi Janet - I'm still wondering what the future holds for me. I'm so pleased that the awful situation of your husband's accident had such a good outcome. When we're in the middle of the mess, or just coming out of it, we have no idea that life can be so much better than we've become used to. It's been a very happy surprise for me and I'm so grateful that it's worked out so well. I'm looking forward to seeing what 2020 holds for us now. x

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  6. I have been hearing the term “New Normal” for some of the difference stages and events in our life, especially challenging events. It fits and it puts a positive spin on things. Wow, on “the one voice that I couldn’t hear was my own.” I want to send this entire paragraph to a friend of mine who needs to hear this right now. You say it perfectly, Leanne! I know a few of us in the blogging community like Marc and Angel. I am one of them. The last quote by Rumi in your post reminds me of a phrase I am working on, “trust that life is going in the right direction.” Regarding your question, I am generally in a good place, although I am always working on it. Like many of us, here. Thank you, Leanne! #MLSTL and sharing SM

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    1. Hi Erica - I hope your friend finds her way through to a better place and a happy new normal soon. I can't believe how much we put up with in life before we say "enough" and make a change. I was completely drained by the time I jumped and I shouldn't have allowed it to go on for so long (but it gradually creeps up on you and you find you're accepting stuff you'd run a mile from normally).
      I was soooo scared to leave the security (dollars) behind, but now I see that I had a skewed perspective and life isn't all about the finances, sometimes it's about being kind to ourselves and trusting our choices.

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  7. Oh Leanne it makes my heart sing to read your update and as you know my story wasn't that different to yours. In my case the changes were forced upon me but in the end it's been the best thing to ever happen. I never thought I would say those words at the time of being mad redundant. I came through the other side in one piece and am now able to do things like spend 2 months with my daughter and new granddaughter in England, if I was still working I couldn't have done that. The freedom is amazing. Lovely positive post and I'm so happy for you. have shared for #mlstl

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    1. The change was pretty much forced on me too Deb - the situation had deteriorated into an Alice in Wonderland scenario where the Mad Hatter just kept getting madder and I was so far down that darn rabbit hole I thought I'd lost sight of the sun!
      Being forced to choose something that you wouldn't have chosen in other circumstances makes the adjustment (and acceptance) harder, but I think once we'd gotten our heads around it, we realized we'd landed in a much happier place.
      I still don't really know what the future holds, but I love that I have choices and that I could happily stay where I am forever if that's the way things pan out. I'm so glad you ended up in a happy place too (and with that new grandbaby!!) xx

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  8. I think as humans we tend to naturally steer away from change. Which is weird. But as long as the change is a choice and not forced on you, then it's all good. I also think that quote from Marc and Angel applies to the young people and why they struggle so much when us (the old people in their lives) try to force them into our expectations. (As discussed in my post last week). Only we know what is right for our own happiness. It can just take us awhile to know ourselves well enough to work it out.

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    1. I am definitely change-aversive Lydia and I would have stayed in that "perfect" job until I retired, but you can't choose your workmates and you can't always win against an immovable force, so basically change was my only option.
      I think that I'm just really happy that it had such a good outcome, but that was due to some of what Marc and Angel talk about - getting rid of the expectations of others, not being driven by a consumer society to prove my worth, and just being happy to slow down and accept a different type of life - one I wasn't expecting to encounter for another decade.
      Life has strange twists and turns, and if we go with them then I think we can often find ourselves in a much better place than we first expected.

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  9. I can relate to all that you've written as I've basically been through the same process. I'm much happier now that I can choose how I spend my days. I'm so glad you are too. BTW - I love that eCard (about being a cat mom)!

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    1. You love the e-card because you're going to be a foster cat mom soon Min - very exciting little change in your world. Everyone loves kittens and you're going to enjoy it all so much - and you couldn't have done it if you were trapped in that stressful job still.

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  10. HI, Leanne - I am loving reading how your 'new normal' has been unfolding for you. It is very inspiring! I look forward to continuing to follow this adventure!

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    1. Thanks Donna - I realized we were the same age when we retired. I think you did it with more substance behind you, but I'm finding you can do a lot with a little if you make the right choices and avoid the traps of spending too much. It might be a few years before I catch up with all your travelling though!

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  11. Glad to hear you're enjoying your new normal, Leanne. I'm loving my life and I'm thankful every day to have the freedom and good health to live my life my way.#MLSTL

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    1. That's the joy isn't it Natalie? Living life on our own terms, and not jumping through someone else's hoops anymore. I love that I call my shots now and that life is lived on my terms and at my pace - bliss!

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  12. I can understand the fear that you had when you left your job Leanne. I do have that fear a little bit. But at the moment it’s not a problem as I’m loving my job still. The moment I don’t then I’ll be thinking about retirement. I love your Change Can Be Good graphic -#MLSTL Sharing

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    1. Fear of the unknown has always been a problem for me Jennifer - a job spells security and a sense of knowing what's expected of me. Being put in a situation where I had to leave that behind was really hard and really scary, but now I see it as the best thing I could have done.
      I've never had a job I "loved" and maybe that's why it's been so nice to not have to go through the motions any more.

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  13. It's taken me a while to finally admit, I'm not going back to a normal job. I love the peace and the time to do things that matter to me. Here's to our new normal! #MLSTL

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    1. I think it's taken me a good six months to reach the point of thinking I won't be working again Sara - there's still a kernel of something inside that wonders, but I just can't imagine finding anything that beats the peace and flexibility and sheer pleasure of not going into a job that bores me, or stresses me, or sucks the life out of me.

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  14. Don't you just love it when the Pinterest quote that you love turns out to be true for you? I'm so glad you've found your new normal and are sharing it so effectively with readers. I love your quotes, too and am pinning them for others. #MLSTL

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    1. Thanks for pinning them Candi - I'm such a fan of Pinterest and the quotes I find on there have been really helpful to me over the years. Sometimes they say something I'm feeling in a succinct way that sums everything up beautifully. The cat mom one just made me laugh when I realized it had come to fruition all on its own!

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  15. Hi Leanne! I am re-evaluating what it is I really enjoy doing, what really gives me peace. I feel a bit of a shift coming up for 2020. Yes, change can be good! Sharing on my SM. Barbie xo

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    1. Hi Barbie - I feel like 2020 might be a bit of an auspicious year for a lot of us. It just has that feel to it doesn't it? A new year, a new decade, a new direction - it'll be interesting to see what evolves for us all!

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  16. Hello Leanne
    With every post I can see you are more at ease and are at peace with your decision. I have stress all the time and just finished one of my most stressful real estate deals ever. But other than that, I just love my job and the great thing about it is a lot of it is done by phone so I can be anywhere. But I am very much looking forward to quieter days!
    Glad to see you so happy and content!

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    1. Hi Theresa - I absolutely envy people who love their jobs. I have NEVER had a job that I could honestly say I loved. I've had ones that have been "fine" but nothing that has made me want to get up in the morning and rush off to. I'm glad your stress levels are returning to normal and I hope you keep loving that job for many years to come.

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  17. I enjoy my job, and certainly the income and insurance benefits. I do look forward to a day in the not too distant future when I can have more flexibility with my schedule and put more time into blogging and other things that I love that don't necessarily create income. I'm happy for you and the contentment you've found in your new normal. #MLSTL

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    1. As I just mentioned to Theresa, I envy people who enjoy going to work. I don't think I've ever worked in a job where I've looked forward to going into work each week. I've had a few nice jobs, and the last one paid well and seemed to tick so many of the boxes.... but then you throw in a crazy co-worker and the whole thing pivots and dies a horrible death.
      I do love having so much time to do the things I love now - it would be nice to make an income from some of it, but we've stewarded our finances well over the years and I'm finding that I require very little income to have a really happy life these days (and certainly nothing I need is compelling me to sell myself off into another dodgy job!) Keep enjoying your work and you're lucky to have a great job like that. xx

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  18. Hi Leanne it is great to see you come through this year and finish on a positive note. I knew how much unhappiness you had in your last job because of the people (not the job itself). You had the courage to take the step to make changes and look at you know! Relaxed, happy and enjoying life. What more could you ask for? Thanks for co-hosting #MLSTL and have a fabulous week. I've shared on SM. xx

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    1. Hi Sue - it still gets to me that I thought the job was perfect, and yet all it takes is one single person's drama to turn it on its head! Even though it was such a wrench to make the step to walk away, I'm so glad I put it all behind me and came out the other end - not only sane, but happy and relaxed and relieved!

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  19. Ah, the old 'new normal' is what I read about a lot in the head and neck cancer group. Some people say "I want my life back" and it is sad because that's impossible. I think there is always a sense of regret when we finish at workplace because of a reasons like yours. I know I feel similarly about leaving my role as a principal because of my health. I still think about how I might have acted differently..and it's 17 years ago. I do not let it consume me but I think we humans prefer things to finish on our terms...and 40 000 pins??!! I an speechless but it does explain why you can always find a good quote!! Denyse #mlstl

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    1. Hi Denyse - speaking of pins and quotes, I saw a beauty today that said "you're not always going to get the closure or explanation you think you deserve" and that summed up my job finishing perfectly. I hate the loose ends, but I'd rather have them than be back in that toxic environment having my joy slowly sucked away. You can't fight change, but you can learn to move forward and "the best is yet to come!"

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  20. People wear their stress like a badge and focus so much on giving all of themselves...but to what end? I have been so much happier since I took a less stressful (but meaningful) job, and it sounds like you've found your peace as well!

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    1. I think we pat ourselves on the back for soldiering on and being brave, but sometimes we have to wake up to the fact that we're damaging ourselves more by doing that than by admitting we're in wrong place and need to move on. If there was a less stressful and enjoyable job out there I might have jumped to that, but there wasn't, so I'm very happy being in my new normal - and who knows what the future holds?

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  21. A goal of being a stay at home cat mom, I love that quote. I am happy being retired for 10 years now and it sounds like you have found a happy spot too.

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    1. I think retirement is one of those closely held secrets (like becoming a grandparent) where those in the "club" are loving it and those who haven't gotten there yet have no idea what they're missing out on!

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