BEFORE I CHOSE TO SAY "YEAH.....NO"
If you're anything like me, you grew up in an era of trying to be all
things to all people. Somewhere along the line we had convinced ourselves
that we could do it all, and do it with a smile (well maybe, occasionally, with a long suffering sigh...) During the first 55 years of my life I
tried my hardest to be the good daughter, the great wife, the hard worker,
the hands on parent, the always available volunteer, the committed friend,
and so on and on it went. Tie it all together with a lot of self-judgement
and that was pretty much my life for a long time.
At the time those things were super important to me, and I thought I was
doing a great job of keeping all the balls in the air. It gave me a sense of
satisfaction to have said "Yes" to so many responsibilities and to have not
drowned under it all. But that was then and this is now.....
WHEN DID MY "YEAH.....NO" MOMENT START?
There's been a gradual change in my thinking over the last 5 years or so.
Some of my responsibilities have slowly faded away - I don't need to parent
my children (they're doing fine on their own - with an occasional check-in),
I do the wife thing pretty well, I finally jumped off the work til I die wagon, and I've learned that I don't have to do it all, or keep every single
person I encounter happy.
My blogging friend
Leslie (who was my guest on the blog last week) recommended a book called "Yeah, No, Not Happening" by Karen Karbo (with the disclaimer that it contained a fair amount of
swearing!) and it gave me an "Ah Ha!" moment as I read it. She says that the
desire that's built into us to be seen to have a perfectly put together life
seems to have morphed over time - where it once came from the people around
us, now it's been taken over by a daily assault from social media. And the
comparisons with all those shiny, happy people we're constantly bombarded
with will never end unless we start saying "Yeah......No" more
often.
WHAT I'M SAYING "YEAH.....NO" TO
If we said "No" to everything then life would be pretty dull, colourless, and boring. I like that there's so much on offer, and plenty we can say "Yes" to (none of us want to become a crazy
old cat lady living under a bridge), but there's also a lot we can
cheerfully discard because we don't have to prove ourselves to anyone
(including the insecure voice in our head). We especially don't need to keep
up with all those "Empowered" women who want to sell us their form of
"having it all" if we sign up to their latest course on how to be our "best
selves".
To be honest, I'm tired of the compare and despair trap, I'm tired of being
told/scolded that I could do more, be more, have more. There are so many courses, and e-books, and coaching sessions, and Facebook pages, and Instagram accounts, where people share "amazing" life stories from their own experience and from other successful entrepreneurs - who seem to have it all worked out with glowing smiles and cash registers ringing. It might
be what others want, but for me it often comes back to "Yeah.....No" these
days.
On that note, I thought I'd share below a few things I've been learning to say "Yeah.....No" to
lately.
"YEAH.....NO" TO BEING SUPER BUSY IN RETIREMENT
There's a lot of kudos given to those women who have a jam packed retirement calendar,
where every day is filled to the brim with commitments. There's so much we're
encouraged to sign up for, to busy ourselves with, to occupy our minds with,
to fill those empty hours that the week now holds. There's a constant stream of
"look at me and how busy I am!" online - with cheering and admiration coming
from the sidelines. But it just doesn't work for me because I don't want every moment of the day filled with commitments, I need some flexibility and freedom after all those years of being locked into a busy, structured work and home life. So, "Yeah" - go for it if it
makes you happy to be super busy, but it's a big "No" from me. I'm happy
being a little bit busy, a little bit relaxed, a little bit
creative, a little bit online, and a little bit social - but super
busy.....just "No".
"YEAH.....NO" TO BEING OVERLY OBLIGATED
Volunteering is a wonderful thing to do - I think everyone would like to
find somewhere they can help and feel like they've made a contribution. But
it often feels like the more you give, the more that is expected from you. I
remember the days of volunteering in several different areas and often being asked
to just squeeze in one more thing here and there. I loved the feeling of
being needed - but it's a trap if you're spending all your free time
doing stuff that ends up being taken for granted. These days I'll say "Yeah"
to one volunteer position, and I'm happy to say "No" when I'm asked to take
on things that don't feel like a good fit.
"YEAH.....NO" TO ONE WAY FRIENDSHIPS
I used to have lots of friends - old school friends, work friends, mum
friends, church friends, family friends, neighbourhood friends, and just
random friends. I loved all the connections and the social engagement, but
over the last few years I've cut back on a lot of those friendships. Many
dwindled with natural atrophy, people move, circumstances change, my kids
grew up, I changed jobs, stopped work, moved on. But I also stopped being
the "Yeah" I'll be the instigator of every catch-up, and started waiting to
see who made the effort to contact me. Those who did are still in my life,
those who didn't were allowed to drift slowly away - I said "No" to being
the one who makes all the effort, and haven't regretted it for a
minute.
"YEAH.....NO" TO MIDLIFE SELF-IMPROVEMENT GURUS
This has been a big one for me, I tend to get drawn into the enthusiasm of
others - they suggest great Facebook Groups or wonderful seminars on
how to be glowingly gorgeous, fit and fabulous, perfectly groomed,
gorgeously dressed, and supremely self-confident. I say "Yeah" and sign up
to be inspired, but then I slowly slide into not wanting to buy the dream they're selling. I know others love the boost
that comes from hearing other women share their self-empowerment stories and business or beauty methods, but for me it just doesn't click. I look at these gorgeous women and end up feeling like the outsider who doesn't fit in with the cool girls - and I don't want to go back to that awkward teenager feeling again. So, I've given myself permission
to check things out, but if it it's not a good fit, then I can say "No" and unsubscribe, and be content with who I am.... to be "Me"
without the bells and whistles.
DO YOU HAVE A "YEAH.....NO" IN MIDLIFE?
Am I the only one who is choosing to say "Yes" to what matters and "No" to
the stuff that doesn't? Is it possible to juggle everything and not feel
overwhelmed? Is it okay to just be content with who you are with all your
faults, flaws, and fabulousness? "Yeah.....or No"?
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