BECOMING LESS BOTHERED BY OTHERS
We had our grandgirls down for a visit a few weeks ago and it was interesting watching their interactions and dynamics. We parented a boy and a girl, and I grew up without a sister, so I'm not familiar with all the 'negotiating' that goes on between two girls. My husband would just look at me and ask "Why?" when they'd go on and on about some small issue like:"I'm the queen.....well if you're the queen then I'm a princess.....no, I'm a princess too......no, you're the queen, I'm the princess.....no, I'm a princess.......Nan, I'm a princess aren't I?.....no, I'm a princess......" and around it would go. It wasn't an argument or even true bickering, it was just a constant discussion about absolutely irrelevant issues. All they really needed to do was think "Whatever" and move on.
It opened my eyes to the fact that I often have these types of conversations in my own head about things that really don't matter either.....
WHAT WILL THEY THINK?
Often the thoughts swirl around when I'm deciding about a course of action
and that little voice in my head says "what will other people think?" That's
followed by my more mature voice asking "who cares?" which is often followed
by "well, I do.....even though I know I shouldn't". It's the same chorus of
back and forward chatter that is completely pointless.
Throughout our lives there will always be
someone who has a different opinion, there will always be someone who questions your decision....but most of
the time those people are very few indeed. The judgements and criticisms
that were part of being a teenager are far in the rearview mirror. Most
mature people are pretty open minded and happy for you if you're doing
something that makes you thrive. It might not be their choice, but they
still want the best for you.
Fortunately that little voice has quietened down over the years - it
still speaks now and then, but I'm getting so much better at thinking
"Whatever" and moving on.
PERCEIVED CRITICISM
I used to allow other people's thoughtless comments to sink into my heart
and cause me so much hurt. I'd over-think what I'd heard, over-analyse it,
and read far too much into it. Often the speaker had no intention of
causing hurt, and had no idea it would have an impact - they were just
babbling on, or trying to be funny, or were just completely insensitive to
how their words would be heard.
UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATIONS
There have been many times in my younger years where I'd find myself in a
situation that I found awkward or uncomfortable. I'd try to come up with an
acceptable response or try to blend into the background. I didn't want my
opinion to stand out from the crowd, I didn't want to offend someone I disagreed with. I'd spin through dozens of responses trying
to find one where my values weren't compromised but I could still
contribute.
Now I'm happy to let people say or think whatever makes them feel heard.
I may not agree with them, but it's not my job to force my opinions down
someone else's throat. I won't engage in an argument on social media, I
won't leave a comment, I won't publicly try to correct someone - it's just
not worth the upset or fallout. I'm happy to let others have their
opinions without them having to be mine too. I'm getting so much better at thinking "Whatever" and moving on.
WHATEVER
It might be rude to actually say "Whatever"
to someone else, or about a situation that you don't want to be part of - but it's not rude to think it quietly in your head. There are so many
contentious issues in the world today, and so many people looking to take
offence. I don't want to cause hurt (or receive hurt) by embroiling myself
in arguments that I know aren't going to end well. I don't even want to participate in pointless discussions - I'm not a 6 year old who wants to be a queen (or a princess, or both) I'm happy letting all that noise pass me by.
So, I might not say it
aloud, but.....I'm getting so much better at thinking "Whatever" and moving on.
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An awesome post, Leanne. I have 2 granddaughters, too, and I ‘get it’ on the negotiating…possibly more verbal. My grandsons just shwack each other over everything…like bear cubs wrestling. You remind me how I learn a great deal from watching grandchildren. Interesting about the questioning and judging quote…I recently faced how I am on the fence about returning to blogging, less energy to fully engage at the moment yet I love the community and I do not want to give up blogging… and someone mentioned how I should update or have a good-bye post. I have decided being ‘on the fence’ is my present choice and I am okay with this choice. Likely in the category of “perceptions” and inner peace.
ReplyDeleteYour post actually made me smile on the “whatever” comment. Having raised teenagers, I have had a few “whatevers” in my past. And yes, moving on……
Always a thought provoking post, Leanne. Thank you once again.xx 💕
Hi Erica - I'm becoming much more proficient at stepping back and letting things be what they will be. Often when we force something (like a return to blogging before we're ready!) it spoils what could have been a much better outcome if we'd waited for the right time. When we've been emotionally, spiritually, or physically drained, everything just takes more effort and we need to be more intentional about where we focus our enery. I'm looking forward to your return to blogging one day - but only when it's a joy - not a chore xxx
Deletebtw the above Anonymous is Erica/Erika....unsure why it shows up here as anonymous???
ReplyDeleteIt's coming up as Anonymous because Google have changed their algorithms yet again and are making commenting harder - I'm finding some of the WP blogs won't let me comment and show an error warning. I was told that clearing your cookie cache helps - but who knows. It was lovely to hear from you again and to know you have enough headspace back again to be able to read and comment xx
DeleteThank you for another great post, Leanne. Knowing that every comment or situation does not need a reaction is true maturity indeed!
ReplyDeleteI think so too Donna - I used to think I had to be right and I had to make sure others understood why I was right. Now I acknowledge the grey areas and that other people are just as entitled to their opinion (even if I don't agree with it). It's so much gentler to not engage in unnecessary conflict isn't it?
DeleteSecretly eye rolling too as I think “whatever”! I’m an only girl with a brother, and we had a girl & boy. It was seeing our granddaughters (eldest gkids) together too that I had an inkling of what sisters might be like. Interestingly one always played out her eldest, bossy ways & younger was reasonably compliant & then she became an older sister to a brother! I like your observations & conclusions for you. These eldest 3 are all adults now & whilst they don’t live together they would be there for each other in a flash.
ReplyDeleteHi Denyse - I always used to wonder if I'd missed out by not having a sister. I think I was saved from a lot of argy-bargy by only having brothers! I gained a lovely sister-in-law who makes up for any losses in the sister department. Girls are just SO verbal and it's such a different dynamic to brother/sister - I think two girls would have worn my brain out as a mother!
DeleteDenyse ( no ability to sign in!)
ReplyDeleteYou're probably commenting on your ipad Denyse - and Google doesn't play well with Mac products for some reason....
DeleteHi Leanne. I'm working on letting go of the judgement, as well. Mine started when I was young, with family, sibling rivalry, and competativeness. I've actually had to cut off ties, with most of my family, in order to heal, and become a more confident person. With the healing, comes the ability to not care what anyone thinks of my decision to just be me. Thank you for sharing more positive wisdom. xxxx
ReplyDeleteHi Christina - I think we attach far too much emotional energy to the people in our family - who only ended up there by chance - not by choice. I'm very different from my brothers and we spend very little time together. No animosity because it's easier to play nice, but I'd rather focus my time and energy into people who I have commonalities with and who value our relationship. I think you've made a very wise choice for your situation. x
DeleteChristina, I had to do the same things with some family members. I was the one doing all the heavy lifting and I found myself bankrupt on all levels. Narcissists (in my case) will take your soul and they will not be satisfied. Better to let them go even it's not the outcome that you were expecting.
DeleteYvonne - I've found that narcissists are more toxic than a lot of other personality types - they're harder to detect until you're caught in their web and they're more subtle in their control - and hard to get away from. It takes a lot of courage to cut those ties.
DeleteHi again, Leanne, I am on Chrome to see how it responds now...thank you for your response and I like your word "headspace." 😊 Always thank you for sharing your wisdom and especially your kindness. xx
ReplyDeleteHi Erica - your happy face is back! Chrome and Google like each other a lot for some reason :)
DeleteThe two concepts that really caught my eye in your post were the "I know I should/shouldn't but..." and the "person's whose opinion I value". I do the first a lot! I know I shouldn't react but I do. I am getting better however in seeing the reaction and stopping it. So that is progress. The second was a big aha for me... that is the reason why I am having a hard time with a recent hurting comment. It was inflicted by someone whose opinion I did value (yeah on past tense there).... and I need to continue to shift that person in my mind.
ReplyDeleteIn general I'm torn between thinking "whatever" and standing up to fight for the future. We have a resurgence of white fundamentalist patriarchy here in the US that I think is just wrong. I'm normally a conflict avoider, so the passive comes easier - take it in, don't make waves. But I'm not sure that is always the best approach.
Hi Pat - I think we all have to make a stand at times - but it's choosing your ground to stand on that counts. Social media fights are so pointless - a face to face discussion achieves a lot more than a back and forward war of words. I don't understand people using a social media platform to spruik their agenda - save it for baby and puppy photos!
DeleteAnd yes, in regard to other people's opinions....I think people who hurt us with their words are either completely clueless, insensitive, or mean - and those people don't belong on my friendship list, so why would I take what they say to heart? Easier said than done, but I remind myself of it now when I hear a comment made that I think is crass - it's just not worth taking it on board and being hurt by it.
Leanne, reacting to things I shouldn't has always been my Achilles heel. A reaction turns into a discussion, which becomes an argument... It is hard to walk away when you strongly disagree and can support your point of view, but it is also the wise thing to do in many situations. I have gotten better at it in the past few years, but still have a way to go. 'Pick your battles' as they say.
ReplyDeleteSuzanne, my husband likes to quote Dale Carnagie "A man convinced against his will. Is of the same opinion still" and I think there's a lot of truth in that. People with really strong opinions aren't going to listen to a reasoned discussion - I think it's always worth a shot, but we need to know when to stop and let things be as they are..... and yes, 'pick your battles' wisely. :)
DeletePat, I know what you mean. Some things are worth fighting for ... that's how we bring about changes and thanks to all those who paved the way so we could have the freedom to speak out or not. Leanne, I understand very well what you're talking about. I take comments, rude behaviour at heart but I am getting better. Now, like you I consider the source. People, like narcissists are very draining on all levels. I love all the quotes and will put them on my desk as a reminder.I grew up with 3 brothers and it was not easy... always wanted a sister to share things and I still miss not having a sister. I will never know if that would have been better.
ReplyDeleteHi Yvonne - I always wondered what it would be like to have a sister too, I think God saved me from myself because I don't know how I would have coped growing up with someone who was nicer, prettier, smarter than me - my ego was crushed enough without having that sort of competition! I do envy my friends who have close sisterly relationships though - I was lucky to score a lovely sister-in-law to make up for some of it.
DeleteNarcissists are the absolute scurge of relationships - you can pick a sociopath or a psychopath and avoid them, narcissists sneak under our guard and can do SO much damage before we realize and manage to extricate ourselves from them.
Great post, Leanne. These days I am much more aware of the dialogue that goes on in my head. Have just started reading The Untethered Soul and found my self laughing where the author talks about the voices we allow to rent space in our heads.
ReplyDeleteHi Judith - I'm amazed at how much that inner dialogue controlled my world up until my 50's. It still has a fair amount of influence, but I'm more able to recognize it for what it is now - and to challenge some of the stuff that I tell myself. Still a WIP though!
DeleteI love this, Leanne. Like you, I used to give way too much weight to other people's opinions or words. I love the idea of saying, "Whatever" in my mind to remind myself that not every comment needs a response. Thanks for another great post!
ReplyDeleteHi Christie - I tend to think "whatever" or "talk to the hand" much more these days. I just can't be bothered with all the posturing and opinions (most have no real substance - other than "I read it online"). You can find something to back up almost any argument these days, so why go down the rabbit hole - it's easier to change the subject and move on.
DeleteGoing through some stuff and really needed to hear this today! Thank you.. One of my favorite memes is "Does it deserve my energy?"
ReplyDeleteI'm learning a lot about energy and where I should invest it Kathleen. I wasted far too much time and energy on stuff that really didn't matter - now I'm much better at focusing on the important stuff and saying "whatever" to the rest.
DeleteThis line stood out for me, Leanne, because it's so me at this stage of my life: Fortunately that little voice has quietened down over the years - it still speaks now and then, but I'm getting so much better at thinking "Whatever" and moving on.
ReplyDeleteWe have already spent too much of our life and energy on 'what-will-people-say'! Not any more for me too. PS: Loving the word-art you're using!
Hi Corinne - yes, you and me both - as far as people pleasing and trying to fit into other people's boxes. It's so much easier to just let other people and their opinions fade into the background if they don't have our best interests at heart. It took us a while to reach that point, but we're getting there!
Delete"Every situation doesn't need a reaction"--THIS. And it's doubly true online.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing I've learned over the years is that most people aren't thinking about us. They're thinking about themselves. So why should we spend so much time worrying about what other people think?
You're so right Janet - other people are often in different headspaces to what we assume, they vent from those spaces and we sometimes cop the fallout. Being confident enough in ourselves to know when we didn't deserve a particular comment or reaction is so helpful in letting it go rather than escalating things.
DeleteI love the last one - every situation doesn't need a reaction. I had a stranger come over to our table at the pub and then get very angry at me (because of something I'd asked him - he'd been a lifelong paid member of the liberal party but realised after September 11 there was no place for him there as a Muslim and I asked didn't that make him angry and he went into a tirade of the sins of Labor and the Greens, making all the women at the table quite uncomfortable). Because I'd just been reading about racial trauma, I recognised it immediately and knew his rage was involuntary and not aimed at me (but at the system and world at large). I kept calm and tried to move the conversation forward. He later came back and apologied if he made us uncomfortable. My default reaction could have been quite different, had I not understood where the anger was coming from. Even my husband later asked if I had wanted him to intervene - he was quite confused because I was so calm and smiling (which is not my usual thing on political topics). Even tho it felt like a personal attack, intellectually, I knew it wasn't. That makes all the difference. So in all interactions, the lesson is 'is this really about me or is it about them?' and that can change everything.
ReplyDeleteHi Lydia - this great comment didn't disappear (yay!) and it was the perfect example of not taking stuff too personally. I've been such a sucker for assuming the worst from interactions and overthinking what I may or may not have done to cause someone to be upset - when often it has nothing to do with me at all. The amount of time I've wasted overanalysing something that wasn't mine to own in the first place is just ridiculous. Fortunately I'm finally getting better at letting others be accountable to themselves and having stuff flow over me - well..... most of the time!
DeleteHi Leanne, Thank you for your weekend coffee share. I agree not every comment or situation needs a reaction. I focus my time and energy on people and activities that bring me joy and tune out the rest. Have a wonderful weekend!
ReplyDeleteThe perfect way to handle life Natalie - focus on the people and situations that matter and let the rest float over and away :)
DeleteHi Leanne,
ReplyDeleteYou raise some interesting points here. My kids are 18 and 16 and I am still at the thick of the parenting thing. Some of these battles and moods with young people can be glossed over and it's good to let them sort things out for themselves and learn to share. When it comes to the granddaughters, I'd encourage them to take turns or that they could both be a princess. That hey can be equals. Doesn't need to be a hierarchy. I remember how good it was as a kid climbing to the top of the bars in the park and calling out "I'm the king of the castle". There's no harm in that but it is hard when kids get left out or bullied. Some kids never get to be the princess, king of the castle etc and might need an adult to step in.
Our daughter has just been away to Nationals for cheer at school. Their team came a very close second but she didn't get past the first round in her solo events. Not only that, she refused to discuss it. I found out a few days ago that one of the other parents said she was a bad sport because she got upset. I wasn't happy about that and am intending to contact the school. Not for them to take action, but I wanted them to be aware. Teenage mental health is a huge issue and I am always actively encouraging other competitors. So, I guess I'm not in the whatever camp quite yet. However, I don't react to everything and I don't stir p trouble on social media or in public.
Hope you have a great week.
Best wishes,
Rowena
Hi Rowena - parenting teens is such a fine art isn't it? I know how fragile they can be sometimes - and other times they're resilient and surprise us. Competitions are particularly difficult - learning to lose gracefully but also being authentic enough to admit that losing hurts (something we're all still learning at times!)
DeleteI think small children get caught up in the minuatiae of life because they're learning those skills, then the teenage years of drama and everything being so important, then the parenting era of trying to negotiate all the family dynamics.....then Midlife settles in and you realize that there are less battles to be fought - and most of them are small and can be ignored or smoothed over. It's a good stage of life - but only if we take responsibility for our interactions and learn to be gracious and to not engage our emotions when it's pointless.
Hi Leanne - I could relate this a lot. Because, as a sensitive person, I do get affected by what other say or don't say! I am learning not to take everything to heart. Thanks for this nice post.
ReplyDeleteHi Pradeep - I get easily offended too, and I need to remind myself that people who hurt my feelings either do so unintentionally, or because they're people who don't know me well or care about how their words impact. For both types of people I can just let it go now - and that's such a relief.
Delete