LIFE LESSONS FROM A TOXIC WORKPLACE
A few years ago I wrote a lot of blog posts about working through leaving my toxic job. It was a watershed point in my life where I realized that I
was in a situation beyond my control and it had seriously messed with my
mental and emotional health. I survived, rebounded, re-assessed, and now I
feel like I'm in a much better place......not because of what I went
through, but in spite of what I went through.
I walked away from that mess and moved on, but I also learnt some valuable
life lessons from that difficult time, and I thought I'd share a few of them
today.....
WE ALL NEED FIRM BOUNDARIES
The first and probably most important lesson I learnt was that
boundaries are vital. You need to understand what yours are, and that it's not okay for another
person to keep stepping over them and causing you pain. Boundaries are
different for each of us and are tied in with our
core values. What hurts one person may bounce off someone else, but you'll know yours have been violated when you feel yourself being constantly defensive and worn down.
I didn't know about the concept of boundaries until mine were nearly wiped
out. Once I understood what was happening, it became my responsibility to
hold the line. Having another person wearing you down day after day is
disheartening and stressful - so it's up to us to draw the line in the sand
and say 'no further' - and if the other person doesn't listen then you need
to have the courage to walk away.
YOU CAN'T FIX EVERYONE
I'm
an oldest child
and for some reason I think it's my job to keep everyone happy and to fix
everything. I'm not sure why this is the case, but others have told me they
feel the same way. I went into a situation where I was way out of my depth, with
a person who didn't want to be fixed. She liked seeing herself as a victim -
it had become her identity. She just wanted someone to pat her hand and
sympathise.
I'm not good at watching someone wallow in their own self-imposed misery, I
wanted to help her move forward. I had so many 'helpful suggestions' and
invested so much of myself for far too long. I needed to see the situation for
what it was, and stop trying to make a difference. Sometimes you just need
to let people or things be what they are, and step out of their storm.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO WALK AWAY
This was the ultimate take away from that toxic time. The situation may start off well, there might still be a lot of elements that you like, but if the
environment is unhealthy, if it's draining your spirit and wearying your
soul, then you have to face up to the fact that you may need to
walk away. You don't have to do it immediately, but eventually if all else fails,
have the self respect and courage to step away and don't look back.
I'm not a quitter. I've changed jobs for various reasons over the years,
but I don't just throw my hands in the air and quit. I think it showed how
far down emotionally I'd found myself - in that I just hit a wall one
day. The final straw broke the camel's back and I quit. It gutted me at the time, but now I have no regrets - except that I probably should have left
sooner.
THE HUMAN SPIRIT IS RESILIENT
If you're a good person, if you have a good support network, if you're
willing to put in the work, you will bounce back. Resilience is a wonderful
quality - one I thought I'd lost for a while, but with time and patience I
rebounded. I felt so proud of myself when I reached the point where I could
think about that person without any acrimony. When I could wish her well and
not have her taking up space in my head anymore.
Life is too short to hold grudges or to hope for karma. I'd rather be free
of it all,
forgive
someone (despite the lack of apology or ownership on their part) and move on
with my life.
Bitterness
is an ugly thing and it comes when you hold onto a desire for revenge or
hoping someone gets their just desserts. I'd rather see the person as being
'sick' and hope they eventually find some healing before they waste any more
of their life.
THIS TOO SHALL PASS
I look back now and see how much I've grown, how much steadier I am in
myself, and I can also see that my desire to help and problem solve played a
part in the whole mess. I've learned from it and I know I won't repeat those
same behaviours. I also know I will never let another person trample on me
again the way she did - her perceived pain didn't excuse her
behaviour.
Ultimately, time moves on and all things pass like water under a
bridge. I love my life now and I would never have experienced the freedom
and flexibility I've found if I was still tied to that job and all it entailed.
Life is beautiful, and I have no regrets - just plenty of lessons (and lots of
character growth too!)
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Nothing like reflection from the lessons of the experience, Leanne! Well said. I admit, with the 20 year anniversary coming up of my being unwell & needing to leave my role as a principal because of work overload I considered writing a post but I feel I covered it when I did Telling My Story. I also know that I was not the person then I am now with the skills and life experiences so I cannot say with any truth that I would have managed it differently. Life is a series of lessons! Well done to you too. Denyse
ReplyDeleteHi Denyse - I feel like I've moved on from the need to re-tell the story because it really has very little impact on my life these days. But, I did learn some valuable lessons from that difficult time and I thought it would be helpful to share them. I'm a great believer in making sure you don't repeat the same mistakes down the track.....older and wiser!
DeleteNo regrets - just lessons - is a wonderful attitude and a great place to be. I am a big believer in things working out as they should. So glad that you ended up in such a great place!
ReplyDeleteI just can't bring myself to have regrets anymore - there were some really good aspects to my old job and I job-shared with a someone who helped me laugh when we felt overwhelmed by it all......that being said, I'm so much more aware of what my triggers are and I'll never put myself in harm's way like that again.
DeleteLife is too short for bitterness - and regrets. So good you've taken the lessons and come out the other side.
ReplyDeleteExactly Jo - I never want to be the sour, bitter old woman that nobody wants to be around. Re-hashing injustice, or bad behaviour doesn't move us forward, it just keeps us dwelling in the past. I feel like it's so far back in my rearview mirror these days that I barely remember it - such a great place to be in!
DeleteYou’ve certainly grown from that experience Leanne and won’t ever get into that trap again. I found your blog after walking away from a toxic workplace in 2019 and felt solace in reading how you overcame the aftermath of that situation. A lovely co-worker I once had would say of difficult folk: ‘God bless them and keep them away from me!’ and it pops into my head and makes me smile when I come across such people. Maria
ReplyDeleteHi Maria - I'm so glad my writing could help when you were going through the same journey. I think there are a lot of damaged people out there who pull us into their storms and have no regard for the impact it has. I know my co-worker wasn't malicious - she was just so self-absorbed that she didn't care how her behaviour impacted those around her (and the secrecy and play acting that accompanied it). I'm grateful to have survived it, and learnt from it, and moved on again to such a better stage of life. I hope you're going really well too. (And your friend is very wise!)
DeleteI'm working on letting go of a couple of toxic relationships. I worry about even talking about it on my blog as one time I mentioned one of the people, another one "trolled" me. (Luckily I know how to delete comments.) Your comments here help ... I'm not sure I've fully forgiven and released them from my mind-space yet. working on it!
ReplyDeleteHi Pat - I think they always occupy a small corner of our minds - and maybe that's not a bad thing, because it reminds us not to go down that path in the woods again! I've decided that I just can't be in the same space as people who are insensitive to the impact they have on others - I need reciprocation in friendships, and respect in other interactions....anything less and I quietly walk away now. Good luck with figuring yours out too x
DeleteYou've learned some valuable lessons. Thanks for sharing them with us. The two that stood out for me in this moment are not trying to fix everyone and forgiving. I love that phrase, "step out of their storm." I long ago realized that forgiveness is for the forgiver, not necessarily the forgiven. When I find myself getting annoyed or upset with someone, I wish them well, "May you be safe. May you be happy." That helps shift me to the appropriate mindset for doing or saying what I need to do from a place of good intention.
ReplyDeleteHi Christie - I think we've both figured out that wishing someone else ill-will does nothing for our own character, and I've seen it lead to bitterness in those who hold onto grudges. I don't even want 'karma' anymore - I think the best outcome is to learn from it, move on, and live your very best life as they fade into the distant past. :)
DeleteIt's good that you got positive lessons out of it - often in the workplace we suffer too long out of fear or obligation (when in a relationship we would have walked...) #WeekendCoffeeShare
ReplyDeleteHi Lydia - I certainly had a huge sense of obligation, and a desire to make a difference. It wasn't until I realized there was no other choice than leaving that I pulled the pin. It taught me a lot about myself and how I deal with difficult people - and I'm sure I'd be better at it now than I was back then!
DeleteHi Leanne, It is interesting how you use the word “boundaries.” I have been using this word in my daily mantras the past few months. “Walk away” is another good lesson…I sometimes call this “blocking their messages” and “not engaging.” You remind me how I continue to have plenty of lessons, even when I am not in the mood lol…part of the human experience. Thank you for sharing another great post. xx
ReplyDeleteHi Erica - boundaries are my new favourite concept - I read a quote that said "Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries show people where the door is." and I thought it was the perfect way to sum up what I learnt. It's not about being hard, but about protecting our hearts and minds from too many unhealthy demands.
DeleteLeanne, Thank you for your weekend coffee share. It's great that you've moved on from the toxic workplace and are sharing your lessons that may help others. Enjoy the present!
ReplyDeleteHi Natalie - it took up a lot of my headspace for far too long - it's good to be able to look back now and see that I grew and it didn't defeat me.
ReplyDeleteLoved this post, thank you. I really need to work on the letting go part.
ReplyDeleteThanks Kathleen - Letting go is going to be an ongoing lesson for me - I tend to hold on too tightly out of love, obligation, a desire to fix things, or whatever. Holding on loosely is definitely the key to a happier and more stress-free life. :)
DeleteI'm a first child too and definitely relate to this. Your posts always speak to me and encourage me! It's hard when the people holding the grudges is family. uggh. :(
ReplyDeleteHi Kirstin - grudges are so ugly and serve no purpose other than keeping the issue in our minds, when it would be much healthier to let it go. That's why I don't even do the "karma" thing anymore - I put it in God's hands and get on with enjoying the here and now.
DeleteWhat I've learned about working with toxic coworkers over the years is knowing what I want in my next job. Also, knowing my boundaries as I gain professional and life experience and it's okay to say "this is not okay." I've learn I've been complicit in accepting toxic positivity, but I decided it was best to see things as how they are.
ReplyDeleteHi Julie - I learnt about what to avoid in the next job when I went for an interview and could hear aspects of the job that were triggering memories of that toxic atmosphere I'd left behind. I didn't even wait to hear if I got the job or not - I just emailed a withdrawal of my application and waited til something felt "right" before leaping in again. Very valuable lessons learnt indeed!
Delete