INTRO
Today, while I recover from my hip replacement surgery, I have a really interesting guest contribution from Brisbane Family Lawyer Jennifer Hetherington about what happens to grandparents and grandchildren if there's a divorce in the family.
Those of us with grandchildren know that being a grandparent is a beautiful experience filled with joy and
excitement. As grandparents with so much love to give, it can be worrying if
our adult children decide to go through with a divorce. Fortunately, there
are options available to us when it comes to continuing our relationship
with our grandchildren, and Jennifer has some very helpful advice about what
we can do.
Just a note that this is general information only. This article does not
constitute legal advice. All cases are different. You should discuss your
circumstance with a good family lawyer.
Unfortunately, there is no formal right that grandparents have to see
their grandchildren under the Family Law Act 1975. Courts will consider
the primary carers and the best interests of the children first.
Thinking about the feeling of normality in a child’s life, the Family Law Act also recognises the importance of a relationship with grandparents. You have the opportunity to ask legal permission to see your grandchildren from the Court.
WHAT ARE THE RIGHTS OF YOUR GRANDKIDS?
You will often hear the phrase “in the best interests of the child” in family law. This is the main thing that parents, lawyers and the Court consider when choosing how custody and parenting arrangements will work after divorce.So, what factors do they consider?
- the need to protect the child from harm, neglect and violence
- whether a meaningful relationship with parents and grandparents is beneficial
- whether the grandchildren have an existing and quality relationship with the grandparents
- how the child feels (depending on their maturity and age) and their needs
- the practicality of arrangements
Generally, if it is in best interests of your grandchildren to have a
relationship with you, they have a right to benefit from that
relationship. This means that your grandchild can have the right to see
you, especially where you are considered to be important to their care
and welfare.
HOW CAN YOU GET ACCESS TO THE GRANDKIDS?
Most of the time, if you have a good relationship with your adult children, seeing the grandkids shouldn’t be much of an issue. You will need to ask permission and make arrangements with their parents directly. This would be called an informal agreement (not legally enforceable), which is often made verbally or over text message. You may decide to write it down with the parents in a Parenting Plan, which outlines parenting arrangements, including relationship with grandparents.But what happens if you are refused access to the grandkids?
Sometimes parents refuse you having access to the children. But there is hope. You have options.
If you can’t come to an agreement with your adult children, or there is conflict in the divorce, it may be harder to get access to your grandchildren. These are your options:
- Counselling: You may ask to engage in family counselling and reconcile relationships with your children and grandchildren. This is recommended before taking legal approaches.
- Mediation: If you want to resolve the conflict without going to Court, you can sort out issues and make arrangements with a facilitator in mediation. This is highly recommended before going to court.
- Apply for a Child Arrangement Order: You can apply to the Court to be involved in child arrangements, either with the consent of the parents or where they don’t agree, through the Court.
- Apply for parental responsibility with a Parenting Order: The Court can make a Parenting Order deciding where the child may live and who they can spend time with. This is best where circumstances mean it is best for your grandchild to be in your care.
- Apply for visitation rights: The Court will decide using evidence and the factors relating to the best interests of the child to make a Parenting Order for visitation.
You can learn more about grandparents and family law on the Family Court government website.
Taking legal action can feel really intimidating and overwhelming to you, but don’t worry! There are people who can take the weight off your shoulders. They can help you find out what steps you should take to see your grandkids and give you support. A good family lawyer can help.
WHAT IS THE BEST WAY FOR THE GRANDKIDS AND GRANDPARENTS TO BE INVOLVED IN EACH OTHER’S LIVES?
Being in an active role in the lives of your grandchildren can be very important to you and your family. Talk to your adult children and see how you can fit into your grandchildren’s lives after the divorce.
Do the kids enjoy going to the park? Do they like movies? Maybe you can
find a time each week or every other week. With shared custody
arrangements, it might mean your own adult children will spend less time
with the kids themselves. Offer to babysit while a parent is at work or at
an event. Go to sporting events or performances. Ask if you can share
social media or a phone number to keep in touch. Find what works for you
and your family.
A FINAL NOTE
Just remember that it is important to respect the decisions the parents make about the kids. With the changing of the times, you might have to make some adjustments. Being a grandparent is not just about the title. You are an example to your grandchildren, a mentor and a role model. Divorce is hard for them and a lot of change is happening in their lives too. So, make sure your interactions with them are positive and loving!
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My sweet friend, how is your recovery coming? Hope you are taking things slowly but able to sense a great improvement in your pain relief and mobility. If not right now, coming soon.
ReplyDeleteWhat a thoughtful article. I have pinned it on my '(Grand)Mothering' Pinterest board. Sadly, my daughter and her first husband divorced when my granddaughter was about 3 years old. It was very sad for everyone but most especially hard for my precious Cadence who loved both of her parents very much. I am thankful that my ex son-in-law has remained a part of her life and our lives and we have open lines of communication. Social media makes that easier and more comfortable. His sister even sent me a photo of her own daughters with my granddaughter yesterday. Hallelujah!!
Thank you for this valuable post. Hope to not have to reflect back on the information again personally but LIFE is unpredictable, for sure.
Hi Leslie - I'm doing really well (all things considered) - a bit tired and ready to feel more "me" again, but then I remind myself that it's been less than a week and it's okay to take a little time to recover.
DeleteI thought this article was so helpful and informative - and a great reminder that it should be about the children/grandchildren - not about the war going on between their parents. And also that parents should recognize the benefits of keeping grandparents in their children's lives - and not cut things off out of spite. You are so fortunate to have kept positive relationships through the divorce process - such a blessing for everyone concerned I'm sure. x
Hi Leanne you had me hooked with your title. This is a topic that is very close to me, because of my own difficulties. I don't post about them due to an order from my grandchildren's mother. My son has 50/50 access with two of his boys and full access of the older one, so my lack of contact issues have now been sorted. However for the first year after their separation, I was ostracized by my daughter in law because I'm her ex husband's mother. No other reason at all.I'm sure this is an issue that is faced by many so well done for highlighting it.
ReplyDeleteHi Jennifer - I'm so grateful that my grandgirls still have both parents happily together. It would be an absolute nightmare to have a separation/divorce and lose contact because their mother didn't want anything to do with the other side of the family. So many grandparents pay the price and it breaks my heart. I'm glad your family managed to find some middle ground and that you'll still be in the lives of those boys.
DeleteThis would be my worst nightmare Leanne but I know it's an issue that affects many people which is so sad. Grandparenting is a wonderful time of life and it would be so hard on everyone if there was added conflict on top of the already tense family dynamics. Thanks for sharing this information. I do hope you are going well in your recovery :)
ReplyDeleteHi Deb - I feel exactly the same way. Divorce is ugly and has so many repercussions throughout both sides of the family. I know how common it is and I'm so grateful not to have had to deal with the pain that many other grandparents go through.
DeleteAnd my recovery is going well thanks - could do with a bit more sleep and will be happy when I don't need a crutch in a couple of weeks - but it's all very good indeed.
Good post. This stuff needs to be spoken about more. I also think there should be more discussion on the loss of the divorced daughter or son in law. It must be heart breaking if they cut off ties (especially if your child cheated or wanted the divorce and they no longer what that painful reminder in seeing you).
ReplyDeleteI really hope your recovery is going well and when back on your feet you discover it was a huge success! #WWandP
Hi Lydia - I think it would be devastating to lose a much loved DIL or SIL and to add the loss of grandchildren into the mix would be heartbreaking. I'm so grateful for the partners my children have chosen and would be gutted if either of their marriages were to fall apart. Totally out of my control, but it'd still be awful.
DeleteMy recovery is going amazingly well - 8 days post-op and walking well - just sore muscles and a big wound that's healing very speedily. Modern medicine is a godsend.
That's fantastic to hear on the recovery!! (and I think the out of your control would make it harder - you're also rejected but there's nothing you did and nothing you can do)
DeleteI thought a lot about the content here Leanne and it has affected us but I won't say anything more. But I felt a lot of that!! Great to have your blog post this week link up for Wednesday’s Words and Pics.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to see you next week, too.
Thank you so much.
Denyse.
Hi Denyse - I think when something like this is a reality in your family, you do tend to keep the details to yourself to not aggravate the situation any further. It's a terrible thing for any family to go through and I'm sorry that it was part of your life story. x
DeleteInteresting post today. Hard topic. The relationship between grandparent and grandchild can be so important. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteIt's such a touchy topic but I felt honoured to be able to share it as a resource for the many, many grandparents who will find themselves in this situation - knowing that there are options is such a reassurance.
DeleteHope you're recovering well Leanne! Sadly this post's topic is one that has affected our family. I'm not a grandparent yet but my parents are. My brother's ex wife will only allow him limited visitation to his own children (3 daughters), in a Qld country town a few hours from Brisbane. She won't allow him to bring them to Brisbane or to have them for holidays or even overnight and won't allow them to have any visitation with the rest of our family. I've not seen them since they were small primary school aged children. The eldest is now 20 and the youngest is around 16. The elder two are old enough now to make their own decisions but have been brainwashed by their mother. My brother was granted equal access to them by the courts and has tried to fight (in court) to get that access to them at enormous financial costs but no one enforces it, so she gets away with it. He had to stop fighting because it was costing a fortune. He still sees them now and then when he travels to them. Mum, their grandmother, and us their aunts and uncles, have not seen them in many, many, many years. Dad hadn't seen them in many years when he passed away. It's so sad but we just have to get on with our lives and not let it eat away at us. I'm sure this kind of thing happens to many.
ReplyDeleteHi Min - it's so heartbreaking isn't it? We hear about the parents who are left hurt and fighting (a very expensive fight!) to have a place in their children's lives, but the extended family is also impacted. The loss of those relationships and the interactions at family events - it's like the empty seat at the family table isn't it? I really hope those girls reconnect with their dad over time as they start to think more independently, but it's hard to undo all the years of only hearing their mother's side of the story. Hopefully it's not too late for some reconcilliation and a happier ending.
DeleteAnd my recovery is going really well - slowly but surely....but a lot faster than I anticipated. To have a hip that works is such a joy.
Hi Leanne, I hope you are recovering well after your hip surgery. Thank you for your weekend coffee share. The article would be useful information to those who have adult children divorcing.
ReplyDeleteHi Natalie - yes I'm doing well with my recovery and I thought this was a great article to share for information for those who are going through a terrible time and not sure where to look for to get some balanced advice.
DeleteMy brother and SIL tend to bicker a lot (her parents do as well, so I guess it's the norm to them). My parents and I used to worry in the early days that they'd separate, as my beloved niece was their only grandchild and my only niece / nephew and we worried we wouldn't see her. I liked to think once she was old enough to remember us the relationship would be embedded so it'd be okay. Of course she's now 26 so...
ReplyDeleteIt's tricky isn't it Deb? Things are so out of our control and yet they can have a big impact on our family dynamic and on the relationships we've nurtured. I'm so glad your family worked through it and didn't lose contact with your lovely niece in the process.
DeleteUgghhh I could not imagine not having relationship or access to my grandchildren and I know that I couldn't ever do that to my own kids with their grandparents. I'm sure there are definitely circumstances that would warrant a separation but that would be so hard.
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping your recovery is going well. I need to check on some of your posts I might have missed since being gone.
A long story I won't go into, but my youngest brother in law and his girlfriend at the time had a child. They were deemed unfit and my inlaws had her for about 6 months. We decided that in the best interest of the baby she be adopted by someone other than family. Thankfully the family who adopted her is amazing and they have allowed all of us to be a part of her life since growing up. THey moved to maine recently and on our trip, my hubby and I stopped by to see them.
Hi Kirstin - I love happy endings and that story about your niece is a joy. It taks so little to make a difference and to put the child's needs first - it's a win/win. Unfortunately with the hurt and anger that result in some divorces, it's about revenge and unforgiveness, understandable but it would be so heartbreaking for those involved.
DeleteOn the other note, I'm doing well. Still have a way to go to be back to full strength, but I feel like I'm well ahead of where I expected to be at this stage, so doing very well :)