UNRAVELING WHAT NO LONGER SERVES ME
My 50's were a huge decade for me - it was where I began to open my eyes and see that so many of my long held beliefs weren't fitting in with the woman I wanted to be. Somewhere around the time I started this blog (8 years ago) I began to
see that my life was out of balance, I had been trying to juggle a lot of balls that
weren't true to my core beliefs or values any more.
What might have seemed right when I was younger (and didn't know better)
began to chafe, and over the last decade I came to see that several drivers
in my life were causing me more harm than good, and it was time to re-think
them and start living more authentically....
UNRAVELING AND UNBECOMING
Over the last decade I've been working on unraveling some of the beliefs
that had been built into me from childhood and realized that I needed to
"unbecome" and realign so that I could live a life that felt more like "me"
and from there I could become the person who I felt was waiting underneath
to be allowed to have her freedom....come what may.
These are the 5 beliefs that I've decided to unravel and unbecome....
1. UNRAVELING SAYING "YES" TO EVERYTHING
All my life I thought it was the right thing to say "Yes" if someone asked
me to take on a job or to do something for them. Most of the time I was
quite happy to use my skillset to help in a volunteer capacity, but there
were occasions where I felt taken for granted or maybe even taken advantage
of. I think I said "Yes" because it gave me a sense of being needed and of doing a job well - and
that factored into my self-worth.
Unraveling this means that now I'm able to bypass my automatic "Yes"
default and consider what I'm being asked to do, why I'm being asked, and
whether it's a good thing for me to participate in. After pausing for a
moment to think about it, I've learned that it's perfectly okay to say "No"
if it's not a good fit - it won't be the end of the world, and I might
actually be happier and less resentful than if I'd jumped in and said
"Yes".
2. UNRAVELING KEEPING EVERYBODY HAPPY
This is a bit of a flow on from saying "Yes" to everyone - I'd agree to things because
I wanted everyone to be happy, I wanted people to like me, I needed to feel
useful to feel valued. There's so much wrong with that way of thinking. It's
not my job to keep everyone happy, it's not my job to take on all the
responsibility and hand out Get Out Of Jail Free cards to everyone around
me. The only thing that's my job is to take responsibility for myself and
how I interact with the world. I don't need to be a people pleaser to have self-worth.
Unraveling this means that sometimes other people might be unhappy with me,
sometimes they might not include me in their life as much, sometimes I'll
disappoint them...and I need to be okay with that. I need to remind myself
that my self-worth doesn't stem from other people's opinions of me, it comes
from within. And that leads me to the next lesson...
3. UNRAVELING BASING MY HAPPINESS ON OTHERS
My motto used to be - "if you're happy then I'm happy". I applied it to my
family, my friends, my workmates, my church members, and even to total
strangers. If there was anything I could do to make someone else happy then
I'd aim for that, even when it came at a cost. I was absolutely unable to
see that my happiness was my responsiblity and shouldn't be dependent on the
moods of the people around me. It's exhausting trying to keep everyone happy.
Unraveling this means that I needed to follow the advice that says "Don't put
the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket". I can't allow my
happiness to be dictated by how the people around me are feeling. When those
I care about are hurting, or angry, or upset, I can show empathy, but I
can't let it suck me dry - and that's where I finally learnt about
boundaries.
4. UNRAVELING PERFECTIONISM AND CONTROL
I always thought perfectionism was the ultimate goal, and it went hand in
hand with controlling as many aspects of my life as possible - keeping all
those ducks in a row. Being perfect meant that I didn't disappoint people
(see point 2) and that I had a sense that I was able to steer things in the
direction they should go. I was a linear thinker and believed that A + B
would always equal C if I had it all in hand. It was another exhausting and
self-defeating belief system to live under.
Unraveling this means letting go - and it's been a battle. I remember
reading Brene Brown's book "The Gifts of Imperfection" and having it finally
dawn on me that the desire for perfection was a killer, and a taskmaster
that never seemed to be satisfied. Herding all those ducks and trying to
keep everything as it should be is no longer my goal. I'm happy with doing
my best and letting the rest go through to the keeper.
5. UNRAVELING PLAYING SMALL TO FIT IN
I'm not sure where this started - I think it's part of being involved in a
church setting for most of my life. There was always a certain way that nice
Christian women behaved - the Proverbs 31 woman was the gold standard, but
there was definitely a sense of keeping myself toned down. Of not being too
loud in how I spoke, dressed, behaved - and that was fair enough most of the
time, but it meant squashing myself into a box that was always a little bit
small. I think it also plays back into point 3 where I always wanted to be
liked.
Unraveling this means that I weigh things up more. Fortunately the church
has become more diverse and accepting over the years, and that's helped me
to let myself be who I am. But I've also realized that it's unhealthy to
squeeze into little boxes, that we're given a voice and a personality for a
reason and we need to use them wisely and well. We need to set an example of
confident womanhood to those who come behind us. We don't have to be loud,
but we can be authentic and real and let our lights shine.
WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS
I've done a lot of work on myself over the last decade. I've begun to feel
more self-assured, more able to use my voice wisely, learnt about creating
boundaries, and a toxic work environment taught me to stop trying to fix everything so that everyone is happy
(except maybe me!)
There's no point is discovering these areas that needed to be dealt with
and not replacing them with something better. The unraveling needs to be re-knitted and the unbecoming needs to precede the becoming. I feel like
this year has been a hiatus where I needed to focus on my health when my hip
became a problem, and also where I needed to decide what retirement was
going to look like for me in the long term.
I've had the time to decide who I am, and I'm looking forward to seeing who I will become in this next decade. I'm already reaping some of
the joys of life on my own terms, but I think there's even more to come -
it's going to be an interesting time as the last decade of Midlife unfolds
and carries me with it in new directions.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Do you feel like Midlife has been an unraveling? Have you changed long-held
beliefs and replaced them with something that's a better fit? I'd love to
hear what you've learnt and how it's been playing out in your life.
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I like the concept of unbecoming and unravelling, and your rationale that maybe your hip issue was a way of bringing you space or hiatus to contemplate just that.
ReplyDeleteHi Jo - I think there needs to be a pause between realizing what needs to be changed, and deciding what to replace it with - I'm hoping that hiatus gave me the time to do that and the year ahead is full of new discoveries.
DeleteIt's strange how so many of us originally believed that striving to please others ( at all expense) is doable and desirable. Why didn't anyone pull us aside at a young age and point out the costly error of this thinking?!
ReplyDeleteHi Donna - maybe everyone thought it was the right thing to do? Those doing it were brought up that way, and those receiving it thought it was their entitlement? I think the internet gave us access to different opinions and points of view and opened our eyes to many things - hopefully it was in time to teach our own childern to be more autonomous and aware of not getting sucked into this way of thinking.
DeleteHi Leanne. Oh, I've learned so much, in my 60's, and I'm so much happier. It is about self-worth for so many of us. I've learned to value my own opinion, and to stop seeking approval from others. As far as my kids go, I've had to make peace with the fact that even they won't always agree with me. I realize that as long as the decisions that I make are with good intention, then that has to be good enough. Christina Daggett
ReplyDeleteHi Christina - that last decade was certainly an eye opener wasn't it? Somehow my kids figured this out much earlier in life and are happily doing life their way - and I'm learning that they're smart enough to not need much input from me (and I wish my dad had figured that out before he dolloped out all his 'good advice' over the years!)
DeleteI love everything about this post. Perfection is a killer, and thief of joy. And I can relate so much to what you say about the effing Proverbs 13 woman. In my world, that woman is one who will end up with burnout (except maybe the fact that she has servants!). I'm also a Christian and I've been in too many narrow-minded and belittling circumstances over the years. I still have my faith but I don't go to church (I wouldn't mind, but it just hasn't happened after Covid) and that's ok.
ReplyDeleteI worked as a nurse for 15 years and during those years (and probably long before that) I said yes and amen to everything and never took any time for self-care or bothered to say no to things in order to look after myself. Now that's over. I talked to a friend this summer about what I'll focus on now and she seemed a bit in shock when I said I'll focus on music and self-care. She's retired and wants to work with some animal welfare thing. That's all fine and great but I was a bit upset over the fact that I should somehow feel bad about doing things for myself.. after years of self-neglect, and a career in nursing. I'm happy about my life now and will continue taking care of myself, to have the energy to be a good person.
Way to go, Susanne!
DeleteOh Suzanne you said it so well! I'm very weary of poorly put together church services, sermons that are out of touch, and the old way of doing things. I'm a lot less attached to the idea of church and also to volunteering for everything. I wait now to see if others step up - I'm happy to do my part, but not to do it all. This last year where I've been forced to slow down and physically couldn't do stuff has taught me that it's okay to back off and take time for myself.
DeleteI'll be thinking very hard about what I take back on in 2023 - getting the balance right, thinking about what ignites my heart, and reducing obligations and performance is key to that - I think we might both be on similar journeys (and others often don't understand - and that's okay).
Hi Leanne - As usual, a very thought-provoking piece. I can relate a lot to this, because I have a few of the issues that you have mentioned in this post.
ReplyDeleteFor example, I go out of the way to see if others are happy, and try to base my happiness on that.
I have realised over a period of time that the way to go is to be focused on ourselves than on others.
But that's not to say that others or their happiness or well-being don't matter to me.
The point is to understand that there not everything in our lives is in our control. It makes a lot of sense to be focussed on stuff that is in our control, than in what is not our control.
Hi Pradeep - I totally understand what you're saying. Running ourselves ragged trying to make everything right for everyone else is the road to burnout and disillusionment. I think I'm just tired of it all - and I can see that my kids' generation do things entirely differently (almost too much focus on "self").
DeleteThere comes a time where we need to rebalance our thinking - give some of the people pleasing away and focus on what grows our spirit - then we have an overflow to share with others - instead of it being such a drain.
I think I tackled much of this a lot earlier as I can remember shaking off a lot of this when my boys were really young; especially the saying "yes" I was a huge advocate for saying "nope, sorry!" and still do. Our social circle has definitely shrunk but I'm totally find with that; in fact I prefer it that way!
ReplyDeleteHi Joanne - I think it's a personality thing (I'm such a do-er and always feel responsible for everyone else - more fool me!) It's also generational and I think you're age group were the beginning of those who realized that "you can't pour from an empty cup". I watch my adult kids and see that they're far more self-differentiated than I am. Their happiness is not tied in with a wider circle - they just get on with doing what works for them. I'm still figuring it all out - but I certainly now know what's not working for me - now to figure out what to replace it with....
DeleteGreat thoughts Leanne and that final quote by Paul Coelho sums it up very well. We have learnt so much over the past decade or so and will continue to do so, learning about ourselves and what makes us happy rather than what we can do to make everyone else happy. It's been a areal curve hasn't it? You seem to have things sorted which is great to hear!
ReplyDeleteHi Deb - I think I'm still a WIP but I can see when I'm acting under a belief that isn't authentic to who I am or that I've taken onboard that's not mine to carry. I don't think I even recognized it in the years before 50. I love that I can make a conscious choice now and by doing what feels right for me it allows me to do right by others - kind of a win/win situation - and so refreshing!
DeleteHi Leanne, Unraveling and unbecoming are great descriptions, along with “embracing who you are.” My husband and I had a recent discussion on how to decline…say “no” to many of the extra obligations during this season. I also find it a challenge, yet I have some phrases that work for me. I still find only saying “no” is too harsh a response. I begin with a thank you, staying brief and honest. This segues well with your people pleasing paragraph and trying to keep everyone happy. And, yes, doing a lot of work on ourselves. It is still a work in progress for me, yet, your wise words, Leanne, validate the feelings and the experience. xx
ReplyDeleteHi Erica - I agree that there needs to be a pleasant way to decline a well meant invitation or request - and to do it without a "little white lie" or creating a story to try to excuse ourselves. A "thank you......but" beginning is certainly the way to go. It's easier at the time to say Yes, but often it's to our own detriment if we're already running on a low tank. I prioritize more these days - and also want less on my plate so that I can contribute wholeheartedly rather than reluctantly. xx
DeleteI too have spent time in understanding what long-held beliefs were actually my own beliefs versus one's I was expected to believe. I don't think of it so much of an unraveling, but I understand the concept. Identifying my authentic self has been key for me to reach contentment. I still slide into people-pleasing and perfectionism at times, but not nearly as often as in the past.
ReplyDeleteHi - I think there are a lot of women who in Midlife find themselves shedding the labels that were attached to them but they now realize aren't who they see themselves as. Maybe it's the onion being peeled, or unbecoming, or whatever, but I know I like the person I'm discovering under all that clutter of other people's tags. Authenticity definitely leads to contentment and we're all WIPs - but we're getting there. :)
DeleteHi Leanne - Oh my goodness I couldn't agree more! My 50's thus far have been all about unraveling and discovering, and yes to all the unraveling you've listed above! The one area that I need to work on more is liking and loving and accepting myself more. I still have this feeling of being less than or inferior to others. I don't know where it comes from but I guess that will be the next thing I unravel and maybe by the time I'm 60 I'll have myself all unravelled and sorted?
ReplyDeleteHi Min - I'm still figuring that one out too - why some people have fantastic self esteem and others of us have far too little - and are so easily hurt when we're dismissed by others. I have a post buzzing around in my head about that - why do we find it so hard to like ourselves and why does rejection cut so deeply? 60 isn't the moment of truth - but I'm a lot closer to figuring it all out than I was at 50 when I didn't even know what the questions were!
DeleteI love how you've approached this topic Leanne. My fifties were huge for me too. I'm nothing like the person I was as I entered my 50s and I'm very happy about that. I've definitely unravelled in most areas of my life, and these days I don't feel at all guilty for doing what I want to do when I want to do it. Great post Leanne which I'm sure will resonate with many.
ReplyDeleteI wonder why our 50's were such a turning point? Maybe it's when we finally came up for air after being all things to all people for so long? I feel so much more settled in myself and have far more self-acceptance than I had a decade ago. I'm still impacted by those around me, but I'm more aware of it, and more able to give myself a bit of a talking to if I start getting dragged down by other people. Life is a huge learning curve!
DeleteI love Brene Brown and particularly the Imperfections book. Reading that really helped me loosen my grip and see life from a different, healthier perspective. I spent most of my life being a people-pleaser and striving to be liked (or at least admired) by all. Like you, I've put that behind me (for the most part) and am learning to accept myself and others. When you talked about playing small, it reminded me of something my online yoga instructor often says, "You don't serve anyone by being small. Take up space!"
ReplyDeleteHi Christie - that book was such a revelation to me when I read it - I thought perfection was the ultimate goal - to let that idea be challenged reoriented my thinking. I'm not there yet, but I'm certainly a lot more relaxed than I was before I read it. And yes, the being liked thing is big for me too - and carries with it a huge sense of insecurity - I think there's a blog post about that coming next year!
DeleteNothing like some time by yourself, in recovery and even before your surgery waiting for it, to make some interesting observations about yourself and how life has been. I know this has been in actual fact for longer than this but in my case it was when it was 'just us" as a couple for the first time..in 2015 onwards and I had a lot that I relied on for my self-worth and interest...work, being a mum, being grandma etc and then "retired & moved" away. You know lots of my story but it's been via these times I have learned "Only I can Do this for Me" and it's life...I am glad you are blogging about this for you and your readers as it helps others view us differently too. We are all vulnerable!! Thank you for sharing your post for Wednesday’s Words and Pics. It is great to have you be a part of this blogging community & there are two more Wednesdays before a little break until Wed 4 January 2023. See you next week too I hope. Denyse.
ReplyDeleteHi Denyse - I'm still struggling with the idea that I can be autonomous and not impacted by those around me - I still get sucked in at times by the emotional energy of those I care about and boundaries get very blurred. I'm really working on allowing other people to own their reactions and opinions while I step back a little and let them fly past me without sticking and becoming an issue. Life is a continual lesson for me and I think my 60's will bring even more!
DeleteYour post made me think of a quote that I carried around with me for a while when I was re-creating myself. I can't recall who to credit it to - "In order to save myself, I must first destroy the me I was told to be."
ReplyDeleteHi Shari - that's quite a quote isn't it? It's frightening leaving behind all the behaviours that we thought were working for us, but also such a joy to replace them with new ways of dealing with the world that are more authentic and stress-free. I feel so much lighter than I did through all those decades of being all things to all people!
DeleteHi Leanne, Thank you for your weekend coffee share. I'm glad to read that you've unraveled what doesn't fit well. The five things that you mentioned are such a heavy weight for anyone who lives that way to carry. I have always put a priority on my self-care and living life my way. It wasn't easy to be different and sometimes challenge societal expectations when I was younger but I'm proud and very happy to have done it. I look forward to reading what you choose to do in the future.
ReplyDeleteHi Natalie - I so admire women who managed to avoid the behaviours that I listed. It takes a very self-confident and self-differentiated person to not succumb to the pressure of trying to please others - and being able to find your self-worth from inside rather than as a reflection of how you perform. I'm getting there - you've had a great head start.
DeleteI can relate to this so much I need time to process it before I can add anything insightful. I love that you've come to these realisations and all of these are issues for me. But at the moment I'm pondering on the 'making myself small' thing as I know it's something I still struggle a lot with.
ReplyDeleteHi Deb - the making yourself small thing is a big deal for those of us who feel that they're larger than life - or rather, larger than the life they're living. I chose to wrap myself in a world that's more constrained than I was naturally attuned to - lots of 'nice' people who lived 'good' lives - it's what I wanted too, but it's been a process to adjust and find some middle ground between 'sparkly me' and 'settled into conformity me'. I did discover that I didn't want to be too tightly squeezed just to fit in, and I'm trying to find some of the old me and celebrate that aspect of myself - regardless of appearing too large or too loud to others....
DeleteSo much of this post resonated with me. I'm in the middle of this journey of unbecoming, though I hadn't thought of it that way before I read your post. I'm trying to get comfortable with not making everyone happy all the time, especially at work. I'm in leadership, where it's impossible to make everyone happy, and I have to learn to be OK with that rather than thinking I failed because I made a decision that upset a few people. I'm going to keep your words in mind as I navigate this part of my life. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteHi Janet - I'm working on the idea that it's okay to not be liked by everyone. It's such a hard concept for me to get my head around because I want to keep everyone happy - and the more I feel like I've achieved that, the happier I am. It's not a healthy way to approach life because logically I know that I'm not going to be universally liked (and wouldn't really want to be liked by some people!) but it's hard to let go of the idea that being a people pleaser is the best way to live......because it's not!
DeleteI love everything about this post and yes, I've been on a quest to examine and "rebuild" so many things about myself. I'm currently reading a book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and it's explained so much. I look to 2023 to be a year of self work!
ReplyDeleteWhat an interesting book - hopefully my mother doesn't read this comment because it sounds like something that would be beneficial for me to read too. I was such a responsible child (through circumstances of picking up the stuff that lazy family members left undone) and it's something I really want to ease up on for my own mental health - to remember that it's okay to not have to look after everybody else...
DeleteWow I wil be turning fifty in 2 years and I now know I don’t need to make everyone happy. I have to read this again on my desktop since the letters are too small on my phone. You reflected my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteHi Ganga - people pleasing is such a big trap for women especially (and also for those who grew up being taught that they need to put their own needs last). Learing to balance giving time to others with saving some for yourself is definitely the key - or resentment begins to set in over time.
DeleteoH this was so good Leanne. I can relate to so much and so many of those things. Why does it take us so long to figure this out sometimes. But thankfully it's never too late.
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of us can relate to this! I know I had many of the same patterns and beliefs, and am also working to "unravel" them. One of the best parts of aging is that we begin to discover our true selves, and feel more comfortable being ourselves, whether others like it or not.
ReplyDelete