SOME PEOPLE ARE NICE AND SOME ARE KIND
I was reading a novel by Sangu Mandanna that I found through an online recommendation, and in it the main character
says:
I don’t pretend to know much about people, but one thing I’ve noticed over the years is that some people are nice and some people are kind.
For some reason that comment struck a chord with me - I think it was due to
the fact that I know a lot of very nice people, but very few of them are
naturally kind.
SO WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NICENESS VS KINDNESS?
Often people use the words “nice” and “kind” interchangeably. As I've looked into it more, I've found that these two words are very different when it comes to the intentions behind them. Being nice comes from social conditioning and expectations of how we should act, and often centres around being polite, or simple gestures. Being nice can come with the intent of pleasing others; we are nice in order for people to like us, and we often expect niceness in return.
WHAT'S SPECIAL ABOUT KINDNESS?
Going back to the definitions, it seems that niceness is tied to a form of personal gain, while kindness comes from the human instinct to support others - it stems from compassion, goodness, and empathy. Kindness always centres around helping others, although we also need to be kind to ourselves so that we're not pouring from an empty cup.Empathy is a key ingredient to kindness, and compassion is the byproduct of empathy. Kindness comes from the emotional urge to help someone who is suffering, and we need more of that compassion in our world today. Because we see less natural kindness in the world, it's easy to mistake social niceness for caring or kindness. The thing is, niceness seems on the surface to be kindness, but it comes without the investment or the cost. Genuine kindness is directed towards people who don’t have the power to help themselves, and doesn’t ask for reciprocity.
NICE PEOPLE CAN BE KIND BUT NOT ALWAYS
Many nice people are nice because they are
people pleasers
- they don't want to upset others and they are willing to interact with a
smile and a pleasant veneer to avoid conflict. But these same people can
just as easily drop that "nice" veneer if they aren't achieving the
outcome they had hoped for. Sales people and front line workers will
always have stories of people who started out nicely and changed to a far
less attractive approach when they didn't get what they'd hoped for out of
the encounter.
You can meet genuinely nice people who are also kind - their niceness
comes from within and is part of their kindness - the struggle for them
can be how to be kind to someone when tough love is involved - they don't
want to confront an issue and lose the pleasantness - which sometimes has
to happen if they want to be invested in another person's needs.
KIND PEOPLE CAN BE NICE BUT NOT ALWAYS
Truly kind people come from a place of service and desiring the best for others. This is often wrapped up in a gentle spirit and an innate niceness. Kind, good people just appear "nice" by default. When you meet a naturally kind person, you can sense their warmth and care.
The strongest kind people also know that sometimes they have to risk
being seen as "not nice" to make a difference. To have the courage to dig
deep with someone to help them through a difficult time, to call someone
out on their issues, to help but not enable a person. These are areas
where kindness stands firm and niceness may need to take a back
seat.
SO ARE YOU NICE OR ARE YOU KIND?
Sometimes I think I'm neither, other times I feel like I'm both. I know
I'm a work in progress, niceness is fairly easy, but kindness is something that takes more effort.
True compassion and empathy can be difficult to come by and involve
self-sacrifice at times. I've met nice people who believe they have both compassion and empathy, but
underneath their niceness, they have neither when the rubber truly hits
the road and the pressure is on.
We can all learn to be kinder, we can all practice kindness, we can all
step up when kindness is needed - and the kinder we are each day, the more
we grow into true, deep seated, authentic kind responses and behaviour that become our default response - even in the most difficult of situations.
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Hi, Leanne - This is an incredibly timely topic for me. I just finished reading Donna Cameron's 'A Year of Living Kindly'. Until this read, I had often (sadly) interchanged kindess with niceness. This book was a very critical read for me. I recommend it highly.
ReplyDeleteHi Donna - it definitely sounds like a book I need to read. I had definitely combined the two, which is why that first quote stood out for me and it was a topic of conversation several times as I came to terms with the idea. I much prefer kindness to niceness.
DeleteWhat a thought provoking post Leanne and very interesting to look at the differences between niceness and kindness. (As a people pleaser) I like to think I can be both nice and kind at the same time but until now I've not really given any thought to how different they are, and I know at times I'm neither! Thanks for the thoughtful post :)
ReplyDeleteHi Deb - I feel much the same way. I now wonder how much of my niceness and/or my kindness have been driven from the wrong motives. It's something I've been giving a lot of thought to because I really want it to be other centred, without the thought of recipricosity - something I hadn't realized was possibly a motive for me....
DeleteThis is a very nice post. I never thought much about the difference between the two. You have explained it so very well.
ReplyDeleteThanks Pradeep - the two were so intermeshed in my mind previously - now I see that they are two totally separate approaches - coming from separate drivers. It's been an interesting discovery for me.
DeleteInteresting topic! I’ve recently moved to the south (in the U.S.) which is known for their “southern hospitality.” I’ve discovered that southern hospitality is a real thing. And it lands somewhere between nice and kind. When a clerk asks how my day is going it feels like they are genuinely interested. As opposed to being rote civilities. As a newcomer, I’m still trying to figure it out. But it makes most interactions less stressful and more enjoyable.
ReplyDeleteAs for myself, my entire philosophy is kindness. I can’t decide if empathy is genetic or it must be taught. I think I am genetically prone to it, but my dad was a wonderful teacher about empathy.
I really enjoyed this post.
Hi Michelle - I'm glad you enjoyed my post - and I think innate kindness definitely reaches down to us through our family. If you had kind, empathetic parents, then you are much more likely to be that way yourself. My father wasn't that sort of role model, so I've had a lot of work to do in that area.
DeleteI also think it would be nice to live somewhere where people are genuinely interested in how a stranger's day is going :)
Leanne, Fascinating! I love when someone digs into something like this. I'd never thought about the difference and you made it very clear. Unfortunately, I think I am often nice, and seldom kind. I've been "trained" to be polite, say please & thank you, recognize people who do something for me --- all nice. True empathy and compassion... not something I've been known for in the past. I'm thinking the book Donna recommended might be on my read list!
ReplyDeleteHi Pat - I am often exactly the same way. It's hard to admit to isn't it? And I think that's why the quote struck such a chord with me. One thing I hold onto is that it's better to recognize a lack of empathy in ourselves and work at developing it, rather than having lack of self-awareness and mistaking being nice for being kind (I see a lot of that in people I encounter - they're so nice, but it's always on their own terms). That book is definitely on my reading list now too.
DeleteSometimes I think I'm neither one... but mostly I think I'd be considered kind instead of nice. I'm not one to really care much what others think (I am very much NOT a people pleaser) so typically if I'm doing what others would see as a favor or a good deed it's because I genuinely want to help.
ReplyDeleteAhhhhh Joanne, the ability to not be a people pleaser - I envy you! And yes, you're right, it would make it a lot easier to determine your motivation if you know you're doing it from a place of genuine concern, rather than from an inbuilt need to try to make everyone happy so that you'll be happy too.
DeleteHi Leanne. This was an incredible post! I always thought that I new the difference between being nice or being kind. Your words make so much sense and I will carry them with me, and check myself, ow and again, to make sure that I am living my life with kindness and good intentions. Sharing to FB. xx Christina Daggett
ReplyDeleteHi Christina - the concept certainly made an impact on me - I think at times I'm both and at times I'm neither. But now I'm focusing on kindness rather than the appearance of "niceness" - one is so much harder than the other!
DeleteHi Leanne well after reading your post I will say I'm kind. I hadn't really thought about the difference between 'nice' and 'kind' but I can certainly see your point and it makes sense. It goes to show sometimes we just need to step back and take a look at our actions and from what place they are coming. Great post. x
ReplyDeleteHi Sue - I'm glad it clarified it for you. I tend to swing between the two - I think the people pleaser in me clouds my motivations at times. I'm working on being kind for no reason other than to serve the other person - that's a big one and something to spur me on.
DeleteI love those quotes - all very thought-provoking! Am I nice or am I kind? Honestly, I think it depends on the day. It takes a lot less effort to "just be nice" but I know I'd much rather be known for kindness than just being nice. I suppose I should be more careful how I use the words now, because they are not interchangeable!
ReplyDeleteVisiting from Words & Pics
Hi Kym - I tend to be much the same - swinging between the two. I'm making it one of my goals to try to be kinder - and to do it for the right reasons (not just because it's the "nice" thing to do or makes me feel better). I feel like every day I learn some new little thing that gives me more insight into how to live life well.
DeleteHi Leanne, I'd never really thought about differences between 'nice' and 'kind' but yes they are very different as you've pointed out. I like to think I am both but that as an Empath I'm not just nice but kind. I know I could always be kinder though. Sometimes we get so caught up in our own busy worlds we miss opportunities where we could show more kindness. Good reminder! xo
ReplyDeleteHi Min - I think it shows good self-awareness to realize that we miss opportunities sometimes to be kinder. I think we all find it easy-ish to be nice, but stretching ourselves to be kind takes more investment. I hope I can grow kinder as I age. BTW - happy travels in NZ - I'm a little bit envious. :)
DeleteThis is really iteresting. I do ue them interchageably. And I don't know if I'm eather- uss like everything it varies on the situation. I do work harder at being kind though, I know that. Whether I'm successful or not varies. I need to think about this a bit more to comment properly. May be back in time....good post. Hope nothing from the neither camp prompted it.
ReplyDeleteNo, it wasn't prompted by a mean person - maybe the opposite.....so many people think they're kind because they're good at being nice (I don't think they have the self-awareness to see the difference). I'm hoping that I can become kinder and for it to become more effortless as time goes on - I'm definitely a work in progress with this one.
DeleteAs others have mentioned before me, I also found this post thought-provoking. I am almost always nice (almost) and, I believe, often kind. Though I am definitely a work in progress there. I once wrote a blog post on doing "good" without attachment to the outcome. This feels similar to your definition of kindness.
ReplyDeleteHi Christie - yes there are definite similarities - my husband uses good/kind interchangeably and I think it's a better combo than nice/kind. So many nice people can forget to be nice or kind when they're not getting what they want. I know I don't want to be that person - I really want to become a naturally kind/good person as I age.
DeleteThis is very thought provoking Leanne. My first thought was that I'm both nice and kind. After giving it further thought, I have no doubt that I'm kind. As for whether or not, I'm nice. At first I thought I was, but I really think that's for others to judge.
ReplyDeleteHi Jennifer - it's interesting that you lean towards kindness over niceness - you are probably good at tough love and being kind even when it costs - something we all need to develop more of - it's so much deeper than superficial niceness.
DeleteI've never really thought about this before, but you're so right, these words are indeed different. I'd like to think that I've moved completely away from being nice to being kind! Thank you for giving me food for thought though, Leanne.
ReplyDeleteHi Corinne - I think I'd like to be both - but being kind far outweighs being nice when it's for show. Nice fluctuates, kindness is deep-seated and comes from the heart. That's what I want to grow into more.
Delete"nice post" Leanne...oops. No, seriously when you write from a place of deep thought and insight it is always good to see how you are faring and what you are basing this on. Well-researched. Over the years, I have been nice...well-mannered and doing the right (social thing) but not always kind because I have been someone who has judged others. Most of the time, that IS about me and my life and upbringing. NOW at 73, "oh the learning I am doing"....and I am now into boundaries for me. I have been more of a people pleasing person than I now wish to be and I will be reviewing more about how I am learning too...another time! It is always a pleasure to see you share a post from your blog on Wednesday’s Words and Pics Link Up. I hope you continue to do so! Take care, Denyse.
ReplyDeleteHi Denyse - I think we both want to steer ourselves away from the boundary-less people pleasing mode we've been entrenched in since childhood - and being nice because it's the expected thing to do to keep everybody happy. Kindness comes from a different place and I certainly want to grow that aspect while I figure out what healthy boundaries and reciprocal relationships look like as I get older. We're all works in progress aren't we?
DeleteKindness is one of the gifts of the spirit as mentioned in the New Testament. As far as I know, niceness is never mentioned. That said, I hadn't thought much about the difference, and before I read your post, I'm couldn't have offered a definition. Sometimes I have trouble just being nice, but I think most people would classify me as a nice person. As a daughter of a narcissist, I am a natural people pleaser. As and adult, I have learned to take risks with people. Am I kind? I have a friend who is very kind and utterly selfless in her giving - or at least it seems that way to many of us. I try to follow her example, but I am a copy cat rather than an original thinker in this area. Great article, Leanne.
ReplyDeleteHi Marcia - I have a similar childhood background and I'm nice to people because I don't want them to dislike me or to feel like I'm being "mean". It really comes back to not having good boundaries and not being brave enough to call someone out if it needs to be done. Kind people have that inner strength and desire for the good of others - I admire them so much and really want to make it a priority to swap niceness out for goodness and kindness (those fruit of the spirit we all need more of!)
DeleteInteresting post, Leanne. I think most people would classify me as a person with good manners and less people know that I'm a kind person because I do acts of kindness without telling others about them. Thank you for your weekend coffee share.
ReplyDeleteHi Natalie - acts of kindness behind the scenes is really what the definition of kindness often comes back to. If we're doing something to look good or to look nice or to look kind, then we're coming from the wrong motives and really need to ask ourselves some hard questions.
DeleteNice versus kind, I fall into the category that uses them interchangeably. I hadn't realized there was a difference. Interesting post, Leanne. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteHi Shari - it clarified a lot of things for me about people when I realized the difference (because they are two very different concepts). And it gave me something to aim for - more kindness!
DeleteLeanne, unfortunately I have encountered a lot of 'phony nice' people through my volunteer work in Women's organizations. It took a while to understand the differences that you have articulated so clearly in this post. I vacillate between being both. I can be nice, which I equate to having manners, and I can show kindness, but that definitely must be heartfelt. I know that sounds a bit selfish, but age has brought on a kind of quiet indifference that I tend to resist and embrace at the same time. Polite, but not really caring to connect or get involved beyond the superficial stage seems to be where I am most days. Live and let live.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean about the warmth that a kind person gives off. My true friends have that presence and in a couple of cases, it was the very thing that initially attracted me to them. You just know when you've met someone truly kind. Happy Mother's Day!
Hi Suzanne - I've also come to realize that it's also about self-awareness. I find that the people who often leap into claiming to be kind, are often those who I would have thought were 'nice' rather than naturally 'kind'. They see themselves as kind, but don't see that it's a surface thing or even a self-serving thing.
DeleteAs time is going on I feel a lot like you in that I'm stepping back from too much engagement (unless I really trust the other person). There are so many hidden agendas today and so many less-than-kind undercurrents that I just can't be bothered with...... and yes "live and let live" works well for me too. Being brave enough to admit that shows a self-awareness that those other people are lacking.
So good Leanne...I like how you put it at the end...sometimes I think I'm neither and sometimes I feel like I'm both. I would agree...I think at the core, I am both, but sometimes I think (and it's the thoughts) that I would say neither...or when someone who truly doesn't know me, accuses me of being a certain way...sometimes I do pause to reflect and question my motives and who I am, because I am a people pleaser...this gave me some good food for thought. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteHi Kirstin - I think those of us who actually stop and reflect and ask the question, genuinely want to be kind. Those who assume they're kind without giving it any real thought, are often mistaken or lack self-awareness. Looking at ourselves through the eyes of others can be quite daunting at times.
DeleteThis was a thoughtful read. I am like you. I think sometimes I am both nice and kind and other times, I am neither. With poor PC I can be less of both at times. And I hate that. Bless his heart.
ReplyDeleteHi Leslie - those we love often bear the brunt of the less lovely aspects of our behaviour don't they? I think it's because we feel safe to dump on them. I do try to apologize to my poor husband when I'm less than kind to him. I'm working on that side of my character so that I can answer the question more positively in the years to come.
DeleteLeanne,
ReplyDeleteGreat post...I always used to say to a co worker who got so upset that I would say such a thing about myself..."I am not a nice person"...Being nice is most times nothing more than an act...BUT being kind comes from your soul....I am a kind person but I am also not a nice person to those I am kind to....I get i!! Sometimes you can not be both...Thanks for sharing this!!
Hugs,
Deb
Hi Deb - I feel the same way - I get tired of playing "nice" with a lot of people, I'm finding that I can be kind to those who I connect with, I can be nice to those who are also nice - but sometimes I'm neither - I tend to put up some walls and hunker down so that I'm not taken advantage of (I can thank the toxic job for creating that reaction in me when things start going downhill!)
Delete