CHANGING MY PERCEPTION OF MY WORTH
In my half-year review of my Word(s) of the Year - Living Lightly, I
mentioned that I had been shedding some weight......not physical weight
(although a few kilos in that area would be nice...) The weight I was
referring to was mental, emotional and spiritual; and a lot of it was from
burdens I tended to lay on my own shoulders.
I've come to see that for all of my life, I've tied my self-worth very
tightly to being productive. The busier I was, and the more commitments I
juggled, the more 'worthy' I felt.
It's taken me until the grand old age of 60 to realize that busyness is a
pointless measuring stick and it's time to replace it with something more
meaningful.....
REMOVING BUSYNESS FROM MY LIFE
The last few years have opened my eyes to many areas of my life that I
assumed were working for me, when in fact they were habits I'd picked up
along the way - beginning with being a responsible oldest child, and
continuing into adulthood where I felt I needed to have control of every
little aspect of my life.
I've finally figured out that my need for control was based on fear,
trying to stay safe and to avoid risk. And the need to fill my days with lots
of responsibilities was to prove that I was capable, valuable, and "worthy".
Midlife has gradually shown me that I don't need those props anymore. It's
time to replace them with a more authentic way of doing life - and I need to
find my self-worth in something other than productivity and having all my
ducks in a row.
REMOVING "SHOULD" FROM MY VOCABULARY
When I decided to be fully retired, I immediately looked to the months ahead and
straight away I started thinking of all the activities and commitments that I "should" be filling my calendar with.....because (according to my inner critic) if I'm busy
then I'm not being lazy, or of no real use. It's my go-to default
setting to want to prove myself...... but this time around, I'm working on
removing the word "should" from my regular vocabulary and turning off the
voice in my head that tells me that I need to earn my place in this
world.
If I want to separate who I am from what I do, the first step is to stop comparing my busyness with someone else's. I need to remove the idea of what I think I "should" be doing and remind myself that being busy isn't how I want to measure my inner self. Being too busy is a trap for me, it fills my days but it also weighs me down and makes me weary. When I'm filling my days with things I think I "should" be doing and not leaving myself large blocks of breathing space, I'm taking away from myself and those I care about. I'm coming to see that if I'm over-committed, it actually distracts me from what is really important to me and it decreases my worth, rather than making me more worthy.
LOOKING FOR WHAT'S NEXT
Instead of looking to fill my days with busy tasks so I don't feel like
I'm frittering my life away, I've decided to look at the next few months
as my final Long Service Leave. I'm taking a vacation from being busy and
having a full calendar, and instead I'm going to use my time to be more
intentional about how I want my retirement and the years ahead to play
out.
What I've truly loved about the last decade or so, is that it's opened my eyes to facts about myself that I'd previously been blind to, or that I didn't know how to move forward from. As I've looked at each area that didn't feel authentic, or no longer served me, I've been able to put them aside and I'm replacing them with what feels "right" for me - not necessarily what others would choose, but what works for me. Being super busy no longer works - I need rest and refreshment, so that's what I'm choosing to focus on into the future....and if it re-defines me in the process, then I'm completely onboard with that - bring it on!
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Do you you enjoy being constantly busy? Is productivity a part of who you are, or is it how you define yourself? If you're retired, are you doing it on your own terms, or are you (like me) still figuring it all out?RELATED POSTS
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All of your posts resonate with me because we are in similar stages or seasons of life. And I, too, have suffered with feeling that I must be busy all the time to prove my worth. I think some of that is because PC is still working...not very enthusiastically...and I feel guilty for having retired. So, I try to find as much to do as possible to justify my time. But I have started taking some medicine to quell my anxiety and it is helping me be able to sit. Or tackle a problem, a task, then sit. Then tackle something else, then sit!! I even allowed myself to read some yesterday. Imagine?? It is hard to go from being constantly busy and in motion putting out fires and trying to keep other sparks from catching to being quiet and idle and calm. But I am trying.
ReplyDeleteHi Leslie - I think when you tie your worth into how busy you are, it's very hard to let that go. The guilt takes over and you feel like you're not earning your place or doing your share. I'm really working on allowing myself the grace to just "be" and to not feel guilty for having so much time on my hands. Days are slipping by and I love that there's such a peaceful flow to my life - I'm not living in between things anymore - and that's something we both need to allow ourselves to enjoy - giving ourselves space. x
DeleteI love your post. For me the challenge has been how to NOT be superwoman. I have had to learn how to ask for help, not easy when I have prided myself on being independent and a survivor. Giving that up has made space to just "be" and it is a lovely space. Enjoy yours.
ReplyDeleteHi Judith - I used to pride myself on how much I fitted into my week - it wasn't a "look at me!" thing - it was just an affirmation to myself of how useful I was and how I was worthy because I contributed. It's so hard to not feel "less" because I'm doing less, but I'm working on that - and I'm feeling a lot better about saying "no" and about having free time that I don't rush to fill - learning to "be" is still happening - but I'm getting better at it too. :)
DeleteThis really resonates with me! I'm am eldest child, always seen as the 'responsible' one, I've worked hard all my life and climbed two career ladders. I've retired twice (first time in 2020 in lock down but I got bored!) and I'm still wresting with the need to be productive all the time. I'm working on banishing the word 'should' from my vocabulary, but still have a way to go yet. These reminders are helpful. Thank you 😊
ReplyDeleteHi Shirley - I retired around the time of covid too - and then felt I needed to go back to work to prove something to myself..... I'm not sure what I was proving, and I think that's why I could finally stop working and admit that I'd had enough. I had to figure out that I was enough as a person - not a working person, or a volunteering person, or anything else - just as 'me'. I'm still working on the "should" thing too and on not feeling guilty for being home - but it gets easier, and anyone who I think might be judging me isn't one of my "people" and I can let it flow over and past me these days.
DeleteI really do not enjoy being busy at all; if I have one thing a day on my calendar/ "to do" list then I feel like I'm busy and often start to cancel things. I feel like I am productive though-- just maybe not in a way that's always real obvious to others.
ReplyDeleteHi Jo - I think you have it all in hand - you just got there a lot sooner than I did! I'm finding one thing a day is a nice way to live - when I have two commitments it feels like I've lost the whole day (how did I ever manage when I was working all the time??)
DeleteLeanne,
ReplyDeleteLoved this post...As I have mentioned so many times before, I am on a similar journey...It is now 4 years since I stopped working and I am still finding my way as far as how and what I want my retirement years to look like....Since I lost 50 pounds over the past year, I am now physically able to do so much more than I was able to do along with having a lot more energy and feeling so much better. So I have been busy but doing the things that I love to do that I was having such a hard time doing over the past few years....I plan to slowly get back into volunteering at our church but I will not be taking over running events like I did when I was also working full time...I do like to keep busy but it is because I feel better both physically and mentally when I do...But I am busty "playing" in my house which is my passion so I am feeding my soul....Since my retirement, many have voiced their opinion on how I should be living in that retirement and most of it is not what I want to do...I have learned to ignore them and to do ME! You have to do what makes you happy and ignore what other people think you should be doing...I hope you will have a great , relaxing week!!
Hugs,
Deb
Hi Deb - yes, we've been through a lot of similar experiences and I know when my hip stopped me doing things, I felt like I needed to fill my time with something - hence going back to work, then getting mobile again meant I could bring back some of the things I enjoyed - and I realized that working wasn't one of those things! I've loved being completely free from the 9-5 and I'm discovering that I don't feel the need to justify not working anymore (maybe because I'm getting closer to retirement age?) I'm just loving doing whatever I feel like on my own terms and in my own time - some days are busy, some are slow - but all of them are so much slower than I used to be - and I don't care - and I don't care if others wonder how I fill my time.....I'm just doing "me" these days....and loving every minute of it. Viva Retirement!
DeleteI forgot to change the anonymous to Debbie-Dabble in the comment above....
ReplyDeleteDeb
Leanne, there is nothing more wonderful than discovering that we can rest well within ourselves even when the world tries to convince us otherwise. Busy does not equate to satisfying life. Beautiful post.
ReplyDeleteHi Suzanne - it's such a hard concept to get my head around - the idea that I don't have to earn my place in the world - and that it's okay to just "do me". I'm getting better at it, and it brings with it such a sense of peace!
DeleteAnother wonderful post that I can relate so well. I finally keep up with myself only. All my life, I took care of others with hardly any reciprocity when I fell on hard times. After losing the love of my life I was devastated and I am still experiencing intense periods of grief. Like you Leanne I no longer keep up with others and I feel free to be me. Thank you for sharing! Always a pleasure to read you on Monday morning!
ReplyDeleteHi Yvonne - I would be surprised if you weren't still feeling so much grief after losing the person you loved so much. I'm sending you a virtual hug and I'm glad my posts are a Monday morning boost. I'm also aware of what it's like to give to others and not feel that same reciprocity - and I think that's why my friendship circle has contracted down over the years. I'm finding that I enjoy my own company, that my days are full, and that I need less "bolstering" from others these days - it's a good feeling. x
DeleteHi Leanne. You've taught me through your blog, that it's ok, not to have an agenda, to redefine in mid-life what makes me happy. The only agenda I am focused on right now, is finishing our home renovation. My husband and I are choosing to finish this renovation together, because we know that in the long run, it will make us truly happy to have a comfortable place to live and travel from. Sharing this post. xx Christina Daggett
ReplyDeleteHi Christina - I see that as having a purpose that brings joy and satisfaction (and long term happiness). I think we all need things like that in our life - balanced with plenty of rest and calm. I'm learning that there's a difference between investing your time in what brings joy, and investing it in juggling a million balls so that you're "busy" .... and getting your sense of self-worth from that busyness. I think purpose is so much more fulfilling than productivity. :)
DeleteSuch a wonderful post! I attended an author talk at a conference about 25 years ago, and I'll always remember something the author said: "Don't should on yourself." I didn't take it to heart (though I try), but I do remember it :-) Productivity has been part of my identity for so long, and sometimes that's good: it's helped me build a successful career, juggle work and family, explore hobbies, and write. But sometimes should-ing on myself ruins the joy of a relaxing afternoon or a quiet morning. I'm working on it.
ReplyDeleteHi Janet - you reminded me that productivity was good for me too when I was younger because it allowed me to juggle an awful lot of balls. My problem was that I let it be what validated me in a lot of ways and kept me from being comfortable with saying "no" or letting myself be "lazy". I still find it hard to not feel guilty about how much less I have on my plate these days - but I love my retired life so much that I'm getting better at just being okay with a slower and less full timetable.
DeleteTrying to work out how to say this without spoilers - I just had this discussion elsewhere in light of Mia Freedman's issue with the Barbie movie. The point of the movie is more or less, women (and people for that matter) can be whatever they want to be - Drs, President, Astronaut, anything amazing etc, but they can also be happy and proud of being ordinary if that's what brings them contendedness or even great happiness. We only put meaning on what's right for us, and we shouldn't judge others on what's right for them. I think it's a trap, all the 'should' thinking we do, because usually we're measuring ourselves with someone else's yardstick. It's not a matter of how do I know if I'm on the right path, but how do I find the path that's right for me? Your right path is different to everyone else's, so copying any one else's is probably a mistake. My path is different to yours, but it doesn't make either of us wrong, or either path better, if we know ourselves. (But in answer to your question, you already know I LOVE being busy and cramming stuff in! Ha!)
ReplyDeleteHi Lydia - I feel like I live a busy life vicariously through you....but I also remember you saying that you had a few quiet weekends recently, so maybe you have unproductive times too? :) You're so right (as usual) about it being different for each of us - younger me would be surprised at how cruisy my life has become and would probably wonder what I do with all the time I have on my hands. Current me wonders why I felt the need to be so busy al the time when I was in my 20-50 age range. Life moves and changes, and I feel like it's time for me to look at what I want to use to validate myself (or if I even need to do that?) Busy-ness isn't doing it for me anymore - so instead of rushing into figuring it all out, I'm working out what it isn't and then maybe whatever's next will come to fill in the gaps....
DeleteAhh, and your comment on validation is really 'what is the meaning of life?' or pragmatically, 'what is the point?' . For a long time, since I was about 20, my NY resolution has been 'to be happy'. That is a hard enough task and something that requires constant thought because it is only found in self knowledge and acceptance, and what it requires changes all the time.That doesn't mean you only do things for yourself, or you can do whatever you like, it means you need to really work out what is important to you. And that can be anything - helping people, fund raising, fighting for change, reading a book, sitting in the sun, tearing up the town on Saturday nights. The world is your oyster and your life is literally what you make it. And it would be a terrible thing if you were the same person with the same wants and needs as you had at 20-50. Change merely means you are growing or at least thinking. I know you'll find what you're after and I look forward to reading about it.
DeleteLydia I love how you think more deeply than a simple comment and how it makes me think more in response. It really is coming back to 'purpose' for me atm - and I feel like I'm in transition from that 20-50 year old striver and still figuring out who the 60-80 yr old me is going to be. I like that I don't have to figure it out overnight, there's time to pause and reflect and (hopefully) get it right. I really do hope I find what's next organically - and I'll definitely write about it when I do! x
DeleteHi, Leanne - Thank you for another thought-provoking post. I learned early not to 'should upon myself or let others should upon me'. But the productivity thing? The struggle is still real!!
ReplyDeleteHi Donna - I do love that "should upon" expression - it's a classic. And yes, it ties in with keeping busy, but there's also other things that come along to keep us on the run. I like to think I'm doing something constructive with my time, but I'm also gradually accepting that I enjoy chunks of time where I'm just reading, or walking, or 'playing'. It's nice to finally have that time and space - it might not last forever, but for now it's a revelation and I'm starting to appreciate it more rather than fighting against it.
DeleteI can relate to a lot of what you say here Leanne, the struggle is real. I like Lydia's comment too, we are all on different paths. I also think 'should' isn't a word I need in my world :). take care and thanks for giving us all something to think about.
ReplyDeleteHi Deb - I liked Lydia's comment too and that being busy works really well for some people.....I enjoy following along with her adventures, but I also no longer feel the need to justify how I'm using my time. I'm learning to cheer on others who enjoy being busy, while allowing myself the grace of being less so these days. Who knows what the future holds and I don't want to have missed out on this peaceful time by 'shoulding' myself into something that's not a good fit for me.
DeleteLeanne another wonderful blog post. I am so enjoying the comments folloing your post. I don't bleieve it is where you come in your family but it is the up bringing which can have a lasting affect. "An idle mind and idle hands makes easy work for the devil" was I think branded in my brain so just being is something I amd learning. I have to agree with Lydias comment but I would also add the word "ought" as well as a word which really does not belong. Have a good day.
ReplyDeleteHi Noilin - upbringing certainly plays a big role in how we view life. I know that I've always felt the need to prove myself to my parents and then to others - seeking approval and showing my worth through what I achieve has been a constant throughout my life. It's taken me until now to figure out that it's okay to relax and to let a lot of that stuff go. The people who I care about don't judge me on how full my calendar is, so why should I use that as a measure of my worth? I like that I can finally let that go and be more at peace.
DeleteLeanne, Lots in this post resonated with me. I still work on banishing the should. Not so much as should be working, but the other "should's" of retirement...travel & volunteer being two big ones as I don't have the grandkids element. I still get the "what do you do all day" question from folks who think doing is the only aspect. I can say, for me, I like a full calendar. Not everyday, but most days ... and full of the things I love doing! Cardio drumming, yoga on the beach, dining out with friends, crafting, beach walks, blogging. My favorite comment at the moment is, "I spent 32 years working without any work/life balance, so now I'm going to spend 32 years living."
ReplyDeleteHi Pat - the travel question has been one I've dealt with too. I'm just not feeling the desire to travel atm (and neither is my husband) but with so many people jumping on planes, it seems to be the 'thing to do'. I may start travelling again in the years to come, but not right now. I looked at your list of activities and thought your days looked really full - mine are less so, but I still have regular commitments each week. I think for me it's learning to allow the expectations of others (and their desire for busyness as a measure) to flow over me, and to just do what feels comfortable for me.
DeleteYou could have been writing this about me, Leanne. It's exactly how I feel, and like you, I am still figuring it out as far as retirement goes. In the process, I have to occasionally remind myself that I don't need to be busy or productive to be worthy.
ReplyDeleteHi Christie - retirement brings with it a new mindset for some of us - and the ability to give ourselves permission to do it on our own schedule. I see others who are busier than they were before they retired - I'm just not that person.....and I'm becoming okay with that - I'm finding who I am at a different pace (and it's very pleasant).
DeleteHi Leanne, Oh my gosh - I replied to your comment on my blog post before coming here to read your blog post. In my comment on my blog post I said "I really needed to ease off the high expectations that I always place on myself to be productive etc.". How's that for coincidence? Obviously I still need to work on myself. I am A LOT less busy then I used to be ... a lot. But ... I still feel 'lazy' unless I am productive each day and I set such high expectations for myself - even when on holidays it seems - but I did come to my senses eventually. We are always learning and trying to be better versions of ourselves aren't we? xo
ReplyDeleteHi Min - that gave me a smile because yes, we do always push ourselves (out of habit?) and then realize we don't have to be so full-on anymore. I like the idea of being kinder to myself and not running on the hamster wheel to show other people that I'm a contributing member of society....or that my holiday was good because I ran around like a mad thing to tick all the boxes! Doing things on my own agenda these days is so much more pleasant - and I'm really coming to appreciate that - and what a privilege it is to be able to slow down a little.
DeleteSo many comments here Leanne indicating to me "you are not alone". I have been, and I guess always will be some kind of 'striver' but in latter years I am aware of this, and if it becomes something I begin feeling a lot of inner pressure about, I can stop and ask myself "what/why" am I doing this. It takes decades to build up the life we lead as adults and I am not so sure we can dismantle with ease. I am however, AWARE now, and can see this for myself. My post tomorrow for WBOYC probably explains it better for me.
ReplyDeleteGreat wisdom here from you as it often is!
It was great to see your blog post in the link up for Wednesday’s Words and Pics. Thank you for sharing. See you again next time, in August! How can that be!! Warm wishes, Denyse.
Hi Denyse - I think "striver" is a great term for this inner need to prove our worth productively. I'm tired of striving, and I'm tired of the inner critic telling me I need to prove my worth. I'm getting better at realizing that my worth is intrinsic to me being a human and living my life well. It's different for each of us, but if we have a sense of peace and "rightness" then I think we're on the right path.
DeleteHi Leanne, I loved this post and it really resonates with me and has given me lots to think about. I've always been one of those people who loves to be busy. In my younger life I kept myself busy doing all those things that I thought I should be doing. Today I'm keeping myself busy doing what I love to do. It's a huge difference.
ReplyDeleteHi Jenn - you are certainly a very busy lady and I stand a little in awe of the workload you've taken on. I've decided that I'm not the same person I was when I was so busy in my younger days. My desire to be busy has fallen away, now I just need to figure out what I really love, so then I can start adding more of that into the spaces I've created.
DeleteHi Leanne, Thank you for your weekend coffee share. In retirement you can choose how you spend your time and what brings satisfaction is uniquely yours. I am grateful for the freedom to live life on my own terms and I am loving it.
ReplyDeleteHi Natalie - I really like how you keep yourself busy in retirement, but in a fun way - lots of cycling, walking, holidaying....it all sounds pretty great to me.
DeleteYou hit another button with readers with this post, Leanne. I can truly identify with what you say about busyness. I'm eleven years ahead of you in the program, and in the last two years, I feel like I've reached a bit of a balance. By not being too busy with outside interests I have more time to be accessible to my husband and his projects. Before I had to fit them into my incredibly busy life. I've had time to blog and see where that leads me. Through that I've developed more skills two interests - writing and photography. Many opportunities have come from blogging that have spread into my entire life. I love being retired.
ReplyDeleteHi Marsha - I think retirement is a bit of a pivot where we spin around and take a look ahead and decide how we want to live the rest of our lives. My life up until now has always been so structured and full of "need to" stuff - now I have so much freedom to choose, and it's quite a challenge to get that in perspective and to find my balance. I'll get there, but it does take time (you give me hope!)
DeleteGoodness, this all resonates so much! I've been focusing on my healing over the past few years and a big part of my healing has been recognizing how I've associated my self-worth with my productivity. Allowing myself to rest without guilt has been such a practice for me to learn and as challenging as it's been, the ROI has been amazing. Slow, steady steps towards a healthier relationship with myself and the world around me :-) Mid-life is a trip, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteWishing you a lovely week ahead!
Melissa - this sounds so much like me! Yes Midlife is definitely an eye-opener! I lived the previous 50+ years with a road map, and now I'm in a completely different place with no rules to navigate by. It spins my head a little, but I'm also incredibly grateful that I can put down a lot of the load I've been carrying and allow life to happen to me instead of being so structured and in control all the time. It's a challenge to say the least...
DeleteSomething that I am so learning. Very nice.
ReplyDeleteHi Patrick - it's definitely something that I'm finding challenging - letting go of the busyness is one thing, what to replace it with is the next big thing.
DeleteSo good Leanne, and often so hard to do...it is sad that we glorify busyness, like it's a badge to be worn. I don't enjoy being busy for busy sake.
ReplyDeleteHi Kirstin - I think being busy if you enjoy it is great, if you're doing it to prove something to other people then maybe it's time to re-evaluate. :)
DeleteRight now I've been busy because I am dealing with my husband's estate and taking care of the house things on top of caring for my kid. Oh yeah, I work full-time too. My husband complained about me being a busybody but I feel I will be busy for a long, long time. It's certainly not busy for the sake of being busy. Blogging and doing creative things also take up time but I think that's a different type of busy. It's recreational -- but I only set aside a small slice of time do them.
ReplyDeleteRegarding busy-ness -- it depends. I think blogging and doing creative things are a different type of busy. It's recreational and I don't set a lot of time do them -- no more than 30 minutes during the weekday and 60 minutes on the weekend. Then there's the other type of busy-ness -- taking care of the house things, family things, my kid, my husband's estate, and my full-time job -- I can't drop the ball on any of those things. So I am busy because I have no choice.
ReplyDeleteHi Julie - I think we are busy when we're younger and have more family commitments - or even when we're older and are trying to get ourselves in a good financial position. I've reached a stage where I don't need to be so busy and I realized that any activities I take on need to be because I want to do them - rather than trying to show others how worthy I am by how much I juggle in a week. I'm very glad to have my super busy 30's and 40's behind me! You'll probably relate to this better in a couple of decades time :)
ReplyDeleteThis really spoke to me Leanne! Thank you for sharing. I think no matter what phase of life we are in, there are unnecessary things we "busy" ourselves with that we could let go. I fall victim to the thought that "if I'm not "doing" something, then I'm not being productive, and thus, being lazy, etc". Which is wrong. I'm slowly working on it. I loved that quote at the end of the books by Mandy Hale, and went to see if I could find the book on my library app, but was disappointed it wasn't there...that would've been great to listen to on my flight home from Hawaii. I still may try to get it another way. Lol. Glad I popped over to read your post.
ReplyDeleteHi Kirstin - I've found that a lot of people keep themselves busy to avoid looking too deeply into themselves or being scared they'll be less interesting if they aren't always running from one thing to the next. I'm willing to risk my life being smaller if the pay off is calmness, peace, centredness, and authenticity. I want to grow deeper - not wider...
Delete