CHOOSING TO LIVE SLOWLY
I love it when I receive comments on my blog posts, and I love it even more when someone takes the time to send me an email to share their journey and to let me know that what I write about encourages them to live life more slowly or more intentionally.Recently an email arrived in my inbox from Michelle to tell me she was about to retire, and that after working so hard, she was going to choose a slower pace and find her identity in something other than working and being busy all the time. Her words made me pause for a moment and think how our society worships "doing" over "being" and how it's almost counter-cultural to want a gentler way of life when we stop working.
Today I thought I'd share three ways to counter our culture of busy-ness.....
1. DON'T BUY INTO THE CELEBRATION OF "BUSY"
Sometimes on the blog I'd love to write more about our culture's need for us to
prove our worth through busy-ness, but there are people who will jump
on that to defend themselves and their love of being constantly on the go, and truth be told, if they're happy juggling
a million things, then who am I to tell them otherwise? I've become much
better at "you do you and I'll do me" these days.
2. AVOID THE CULTURE OF "SHOULD"
There are a lot of middle aged women who are retiring and are scared
of the idea of slowing down long enough to find out who they truly are.
They've heard all the things they "should" be doing and they feel guilty if
they aren't ticking off a bucket list for each season. Nobody's forcing them
too, but retirement has arrived and they think that a list of
"shoulds" will help them find their new identity. It works for some people - but it can also come with a sense of failure or under-achieving if you don't keep ticking those boxes.
It's important to play around with new interests and activities -
retirement gives us so much time to experiment, but it doesn't mean you have
to always be doing something to justify the time you now have available.
It's perfectly okay to have a
Do-Nothing day
each week or to have spare hours in the day when you read a book, relax in
the sunshine, take a stroll, or just chill out and relax. It's all about the
journey - not rushing to the next destination.
3. THERE IS NO NEED TO COMPETE OR COMPARE
I have to remind myself regularly that I don't want "what she has" and
not to get caught up in the need to prove myself, or
keep up, or compete. Some midlifers are shouting to the world about all the things they're
busy doing and how they feel so empowered by never having a spare moment
in the day. If you love being busy then go for it, but please don't make
those of us who want a slower pace feel guilty or lazy because we're doing
retirement differently. Let's all be kind and think rather than make
assumptions.
Another lovely lady who emailed me a while ago commented about the
questions she receives in the age restricted complex where she and her
husband live.
I am a homebody who is completely content to curl up within the confines of my castle. I'm an avid reader and researcher of all things online, I became a PB (Pandemic Baker) and love noodling in the kitchen, and I actively keep our social and travel plans intact.
When we first moved here, a woman said to me, "May I ask what you do all day?" It's a bit daunting to stay un-busy or inactive in a community that prefers its members to partake.
Let's choose to be cheerleaders for each other. If you want to be busy all the time, then go for it, but while you're zipping from one activity to the next, please take time to genuinely care for those of us who don't have the same need to strive. Smile, and maybe see if we'd like to share a cuppa with you sometime, but please don't dismiss us as being lazy or boring because we're not as busy as you, and are completely at peace in our unbusy retirement.
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As I read this I'm settling into my first real day without paid work and trying to ease into how I'll be structuring my days as an author. Rather than "hitting the ground running" I'm taking my time to work out what I need to do and what I want to do first.
ReplyDeleteHi Jo - I was replying to an email I received today about how to do retirement without feeling lazy or at a loose end. I think what you're doing is perfect, it's about allowing yourself the grace to ease into life at a different pace, with different priorities - and then settling into that 'new normal' with gratitude - knowing you've earnt every minute of it. xx
DeleteI agree with all that you have written in this article. I’ve done the ‘ I’m so busy that I’m dizzy’ phase and have pulled back on a number of the busyness activities. People do ask what my schedule is like and it sorta sounds lazy when talked about -though not in my head or when I’m living it! I actually like to hear about what others are doing and pick out what I may like to try out in the future. One thing I have heard about ad nauseam ( and I won’t be getting caught up in) is the huge watches everyone seems to wear that can do absolutely everything. Is there anyone left that just does a long walk or had a bad night sleep or overate ? Every activity is now quantified by a number 🤣
ReplyDeleteI’m really enjoying your thoughts and particularly like the ‘ you do you and I’ll do me’ .
Hi - and welcome to the non-smart-watch-wearers-club :) I don't count my steps anymore - I'd rather walk for the connection to the world around me than beat myself up over the exact number of steps I take each day. I don't take a phone with me either - I'd rather look around, smile at people, appreciate nature and my neighbourhood, and just be in the moment without noise or the need to find a photo to take.
DeleteIt's strange to be happy being less connected to the internet, and less loaded with to-do's....but it just feels right for me and I want to cheer on every single person who chooses a slower pace and a peaceful life.... Go us!!
Hi Leanne, I’m commenting as Denyse but for some reason haven’t been able to join in via my gmail account! A timely topic and for me today, the day I stopped being a blogger after 11 + years feels like another retirement too. I have loved my years blogging after I chose that path once my education career was slowing. Blogging has been a constant form of connection I have enjoyed but as you know I recognised I was ready to stop. Given that I will continue to connect on line I won’t feel completely out of it. However, so much is also coming into our lives where we are needing to self care to better help with care for others, and one of those is Dad who at 99.8 is getting more needy. I know that I must have self care time and I plan it deliberately to keep up with what else may occur.
ReplyDeleteHi Denyse - self-care is absolutely vital if we want to maintain any sort of energy for ourselves and others. Slowing down a little, pacing ourselves, knowing when to stop doing what no longer works for us, and just being in tune with life seems to be the perfect way to live. I'm happy for those who are super busy, but I don't see their lives as being more worthwhile than the lives of those of us who are taking things a little slower. I can fit so much into my life now I'm not working - so I like to space it out and have times of quiet in between. It's a lovely way to live.
DeleteHi Leanne thank you once again for this endorsement of a life I wish for and am happiest in. I felt my life went by prior to retirement in a whirlwind that I admit unfortunately not being present for at times. I just love my days of just me and doing whatever I want. My home is so supportive and my happy place. 🙏🏻🤗🇬🇧. Best wishes Zena
ReplyDeleteHi Zena - I love it when someone else gets the whole idea of being able to live at a more leisurely pace after decades of being constantly busy and committed. I feel like my home is my happy place too and I'm grateful every morning when I wake to a new day (without an alarm) and know it's mine to fill however I choose. We're so blessed aren't we? :)
DeleteLeanne, my retirement life is 'loosely structured' around feeding mind, body, spirit, to maintain a healthy balance. I am never overly busy, and I have non-apologetic 'do nothing' days whenever I want or need them. My advice for anyone just entering retirement would be to take a minute to breathe and be grateful for this time in your life. Then, when you are ready, explore options based on what you enjoy, and structure/non-structure your days to your liking. Personally, I love reading about all versions of retirement life - busy and unbusy as they all inspire in some way. I don't feel inadequate because I don't run marathons, maintain a busy volunteer schedule, take piano lessons and craft masterpieces, all the while looking fit and fabulous. I do me and that's good enough. I hope women hear what you are saying and take heed. The time for competition has long passed and this is our time to embrace who we are and live our own truth.
ReplyDeleteHi Suzanne - you said it all so beautifully, and I think that others really do need to hear that it's okay to not be superwomen in retirement. We don't have to continually prove ourselves to others, and it's okay to just do life at our own pace. It's such a privilege to wake up every day and know that it's ours to do with as we please. That mixture of things to do and things to be just feels so right to me these days. You're also correct in the fact that we need time to acclimatise to the change of pace when we leave work, it can take time (it did for me) but once you get into the swing of it, it's just such a joyous way to live. x
DeleteLeanne, I can relate so well to your answer to Anonymous about the non-smart-watch wearer. I don't wear a watch or a phone and when I have my phone it's for security reasons but like you said I take a walk(when I am able to) and stop to talk to the 'regulars' along the way and the time to look at the scenery and the animals. We are so similar about a lot of things. I no longer let others dictate how I am going to live my life. Sometimes I feel that people who are always on the go are afraid to be alone with their own thoughts(which can be scary and God knows what they might discover about themselves. I don't say that to be judgmental, only as an observation. We are also conditioned by society and our culture to DO and not enough emphasis on BEING. I remember an elderly neighbor telling me that it' wasn't good to be idle when she saw me reading a book. I had an answer for her as I resented her comment as she was well aware of how hard I was working with hardly any sleep( have chronic insomnia).I no longer care about what people think and I DO ME. Leanne, YOU DO YOU! Thanks for another lovely post! Always a joy to read you on Monday morning.
ReplyDeleteHi Yvonne - I think we're definitely making similar discoveries about the second half of life and how to live it in a more fulfilling way. I think the tests and trials and grief just make us more aware of how important it is to be in the moment and to savour the small pieces of joy and peace that are present if we immerse ourselves in quiet.
DeleteI truly don't understand the need to fill every moment of the day with activity - I know that some people thrive on it, but I also quietly wonder if they're hiding from things that they don't want to think about by not giving themselves time to dwell. I feel like I've battled through a lot of my issues and found a place of contentment - it might not be what others think is worthwhile, but (like you) I'm tired of worrying about the opinions of others and I'm happy to just do "me" and let the world rush on by. xx
I was never a fan of the word "busy" even during the working years. I would say "Life is full" instead. Now I'm retired, I enjoy the look on people's face when I reply "No" to that common question "Busy?" I found this in a newspaper years ago:
ReplyDeleteI am fed up with busyness. Busy is an ego trip. The busier the schedule, the more valuable the busy person's every breath & word & heart beat. Busy validates the sense of self-importance. Consider de-busifying - sorry, can't make it. I'm not busy.
Hi Mona - I LOVE the word "de-busifying"! And it's funny that the word "ego" came into that quote because I was just thinking yesterday that it's our ego that takes a hit when we worry that others will think we're lazy for not having a full calendar. Basing our value and worth on how much is scheduled into our week is beyond ridiculous, but I see it all the time - and have to fight my own ego's need to prove myself by adding in more.
DeleteI think more of us need to be proud of our quieter lives and the fact that they've been hard earned and we deserve this lovely peaceful existance we've created. x
Hi Leanne. It's taken me a long time to be comfortable in my own skin and not worry about what other people think. My own family was very judgemental about the type of lifestyle that my husband and I chose to live. Behind our backs, some family members were saying, how dare they retire early and travel. Because of the judgement we received, I try not to judge anyone else for the life that they choose to live. Thank you for sharing Leanne. Christina Daggett
ReplyDeleteHi Christina - when you've felt judgement from others you know the hurt and uncertainty it causes. Rising above that, owning who you are and claiming your right to live a life that suits you is such an honourable way to live. I don't care about whether someone is doing what society lauds, I just think it's sad that our culture worships over-achieving, rather than recognizing the contribution of those of us who choose to live more sedately and intentionally. Give me authenticity over busyness any day. xx
DeleteI'm definitely not retired or even close to retirement age but these are all views I have happily adopted years ago! I don't get the celebration of busy at all and often ask all the moms I know WHY they are so willing to be so busy all the time.... Obviously there are times where it is unavoidable but everyone acts like that's just how life has to be and I don't buy it.
ReplyDeleteHi Joanne - it's interesting because as a mum I felt like I was always juggling a multitude of balls and was so proud of all that I scheduled into my week. I saw it as my badge of honour that I could do so much. Now I have less to do, I look back and wonder why I put so much pressure on myself - I think I was trying to prove that I could parent so much better than I was parented. Such a waste of mental energy! Now I just do life on my terms and really don't care if others think that's "less" or lazy - it's just perfect for me (and you are so lucky to have discovered it many years earlier than I did!)
DeleteHi, Leanne - I completely agree with you on accepting, celebrating and not judging each other regardless of the pace we each choose.
ReplyDeleteHi Donna - I often feel that those who are living life at a fast pace look at those of us who are doing less and see us as "less". It used to bother me, but now I'm realizing that those who want to live slower need to own that and be happy with it - not just keeping our heads down while the busy people shout their achievements. It's all about balance and doing what feels right to our hearts and minds.
DeleteHi, Leanne - Thank you for sharing this. Being an active gal, I often feel the exact same judgement. As you said in your post, it's about accepting, celebrating and not judging or comparing.
DeleteHi Leanne, I do admire how you have created a lovely life for yourself now that you have retired. I hope that I will be like this one day as I am still at a stage where I feel that I have to be doing something. I do try to have more restful days but I feel guilty for having a quiet day which is ridiculous really but I can't seem to get past it.
ReplyDeleteI do like Mona's quote about busyness and I am going to try to remember it.
Hi Elizabeth - the first couple of years of retirement I was exactly like you. I think it was part of what drove me back into the workforce. I had this need to prove my worth through what I was doing....if I wasn't juggling several different activities during my week then I felt like I wasn't enough. It took leaving my second job at the end of May for me to finally realize that it's okay to live quietly and to have days of empty space in my calendar - nobody else really cares, and those who judge are the ones with the problem - and I wonder why they find the need to be so driven. And yes, Mona's quote was fabulous. x
DeleteHi Leanne, your post says it well, everyone one of us has days when we want to do nothing and other days when life gets busy, we choose for ourselves how we decide to spend each day. We need to be cheerleaders for each other as you say and accept we're all different and our retirement days are ours to fill as we wish as the mood takes us! Thanks for sharing your thoughts :)
ReplyDeleteHi Deb - I think the cheerleading is so important. I have a personality that easily feels judged - and I hate passive aggressive comments from those who think busyness is the mark of a successful retirement. I want those of us who are content with living slower to feel worthy and to feel comfortable without having to justify why they don't have a jam packed calendar. Hopefully more of us will raise the banner for a peaceful second half of life. xx
DeleteHi Leanne, for me, it's about having a purpose or a reason to get up each day. It doesn't mean I have to have my schedule booked 24/7 but it does mean that for me as an individual I need to have a purpose. Purpose can mean so many things again I consider purpose to include doing things that I enjoy such as travelling, social connections with family, friends and the blogging world, staying healthy and fit to keep up with my grandsons and having time set aside to relax, read and just be. Finding what works for you is the most important thing because if we aren't happy in life, then what's the point? x
ReplyDeleteHi Sue - I love the word "purpose" and I think it's a much better way to be inspired than the word "passion" that gets shouted all the time. We definitely need to have purpose - especially once we retire and are no longer finding work to be our main purpose for the week. Each of the things you listed are so valuable for a balanced retirement - and I think that being able to do them at whatever intensity or pace suits you is the key to what makes retirement so flexible and enjoyable. I'm finding that this is one of the happiest times of my life - and I'm grateful for that every single day. x
DeleteI like to call my life these days as full, not busy. Even on days that are "very full", I still take the time for morning coffee and journaling, or doing the crossword, or reading and commenting on a blog. I love that I can have a long lunch conversation, or volunteer to help at a plant sale. I still fight the "should" thinking and often find myself stopping a compare & despair thought. I loved your point about how busyness is (still) culturally good and non-busy is culturally "bad". Attitudes change so slowly!
ReplyDeleteHi Pat - I think "full" is the new word for a lot of Midlifers. I'm not sure that my life is as "full" as others - mine is about 3/4 capacity and that suits me really well. I have room to breathe and to adjust each day without having to change other plans. But, like you, I love that I'm free to do relaxing pastimes during the week and that I can discard the "shoulds" from my life - I don't miss them at all.
DeleteAlthough I haven't officially retired, I've been working for myself for ages now. It's so important for us not to sign up for this culture that leads only to guilt. I take things easy and rest and relax as much as possible.
ReplyDeleteHi Corinne - I think you're well on the way to a very pleasant retirement when the time comes. Our culture of proving ourselves by how busy we are is so unhealthy. I don't complete or compare anymore - let the busy be busy while the rest of us cruise....
DeleteIt's great you are being the voice for those who feel uncomfortable to slow down. I think I don't believe we need to have a purpose beyond living our life and maximising our enjoyment and happiness (though a lot of that comes from helping others along the way). For some of us it's achieved by doing less, for others it's by maxxing out our wonder; we can revel in good times with friends or routine. Both are fine and our need for both might change week by week or day by day. There is no right or wrong on this, only what's right for us. Good post.
ReplyDeleteHi Lydia - I think it all boils down to what is our underlying motivation for the life we're choosing to live. If we're busy because we love it, great, if it's because we're trying to prove ourselves and our worth (been there, done that), then not so great. If we're living slowly because we love the peace and calm, great, if it's because we're lost or lazy and need to find some direction, then not so great. I just want a calm, peaceful life to be valued as much as a hectic, stressed out one seems to be....
Delete