LOSING OURSELVES
I saw an interesting post on Tiny Buddah recently that listed ways we lose
ourselves. I think as a younger woman I did all of these and more. I felt
that I needed to shrink myself down, be quieter, gentler, take the barbs
that occasionally came my way, and generally be as "nice" as possible.
I don't do "nice" so much anymore
- I do "me" and I hold my head a lot higher these days.
Today I thought I'd do a "how to FIND yourself" to honour that
journey....
THE QUOTE ABOUT HOW WE LOSE OURSELVES
This is how you lose yourself: You start saying 'it’s okay' when it’s not.You start laughing off hurtful comments.You start shrinking so you won’t be 'too much.’All because somewhere along the way, you learned that being loved meant being less.
Author unknown - via Tiny Buddah
SO, HOW DO WE FIND OURSELVES?
We find ourselves by reversing a lot of the programing we grew up with. We
find ourselves by stopping old patterns that don't work and never worked. We
begin to acknowledge our place in the world around us and we claim our place
at the table. Here's a few things we can stop doing (if we haven't
already)...
This is how you find yourself: You stop saying “it’s okay” when it’s not.
You stop laughing off hurtful comments.
You stop shrinking yourself to fit in.
You stop thinking that you need to be less to be loved.
And when you find yourself, you’ll find your people.
LLC
WE STOP SAYING "IT'S OKAY"
For so long I passed off other people putting their needs above mine. I
thought that as a woman it was my role to be the support person and to let
others shine. I still think that's really important, but it shouldn't need
to come at our own expense. We're allowed to shine too, we're allowed to say
"What about me?" when we feel pushed aside. We're allowed to say "it's not
okay" to do that or to say that.
I love cheering others on, but I also know my own worth these days, and I'm
better at
holding my ground
when it comes to honouring my own needs.
WE STOP LAUGHING OFF POOR BEHAVIOUR
I can think back over numerous occasions when someone behaved poorly and I
just smiled and let them get away with it. Because it's easier to not stand
up and speak up. A lot of poor behaviour is masked by it being "just a joke"
or "just that person's way" or other excuses. Now I'm more prepared to
hold others accountable
for their behaviour. They can be who and what they like, but not in my space
if it makes me uncomfortable or it goes against my values.
"You do you boo" is a fun saying, and I'm all for it, but now I choose to
only allow those who are kind with their words and behaviour into my inner
circle.
WE STOP SHRINKING OURSELVES
Ohhhhh, the many, many times I tried to
shrink myself and make myself less
to fit in with how I thought I was supposed to be. I always thought that I
should be smaller, quieter, gentler, sweeter..... and the list goes on. Now,
I can see people who are like that and admire those qualities in them
without feeling that's the only way to be.
I actually don't want to be small, quiet, and insignificant. I want to be
myself in all my various shades. I like be bright, happy, sparkly, and a
little bit noisy. I'm not too much, I'm just right as I am.
FIND YOUR WHOLE SELF AND YOU'LL FIND YOUR TRIBE
Let's just be who we are, our authentic, real, and happy selves. Let's be
open to discovering all those aspects of ourselves that we squashed down
because they weren't a good fit in our younger days. Let's shine brighter
and choose to surround ourselves with people who like that in us. If we need to change ourselves to keep a relationship, then maybe that
relationship is past its use-by date.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Are you finding yourself more in the second half of life? Did you try to
fit in with the expectations of others more when you were younger? Do you
feel more "real" these days?
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I actually don't know the answer to that question. Who I am changes regularly and often is dependent on where I am and who I'm with. It doesn't mean I'm less me, just a different me.
ReplyDeleteHi Jo - I can be different women at different times too, but less so these days. Now I find that my world isn't sectioned off as much as it used to be and I can be myself more in most situations without changing hats.
DeleteOnce again, your post contains very wise and positively provocative words. And my honest answers to your final three questions are wholeheartedly "yes" "yes" and "yes"!
ReplyDeleteYes, yes, and yes! Go us Donna! I am so grateful to have found my feet in this second half of life and to have dug my way out of the little box I'd been pushed into. It feels good to stretch and to be "me" in whatever shape feels most comfortable. :)
DeleteHi Leanne. I am finding myself in the second half of life. Sometimes, when I look back at my working days, I wish I could tell my younger self that those other women are not treating you well, and it's ok to speak up for yourself. When I was young, I was told by my mother, that I was too sensitive, when my feelings were hurt. Now I realize that I'm not too sensitive, and being sensitive is not a bad thing, but is a quality that I'm now quite proud of. Have a wonderful week. ♥️
ReplyDeleteHi Christina - I wonder how many careless comments and how much "good advice" we took on as young women and accepted because we didn't know any better? I'm so grateful that I have these years now to find out that it's okay to open myself up and find what really matters, what feels most authentic, and to live it out freely. I won't be shut down anymore, and it's so good to not feel "small" now. :)
DeleteI have spent so much of my life shrinking into the background and letting things go so as not to cause any ripples - particularly in my family - so this post really resonated. Having given up up my 'proper' job and gone back to university at 56 I am slowly learning how to be me again but still find it so hard to assert my own needs and not tie myself in knots trying to accommodate other people. It's a process and I'm discovering it's never too late to learn lots about myself!
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure why that published as anonymous - it wasn't intended!
DeleteHi Rebecca - going back to university at 56 is so courageous! Good on you for following your heart and taking risks, and stepping up. I think that learning to assert ourselves is a process and sometimes we have to be prepared to have some push back from those who are used to having their own way.
DeleteI hate being out of someone's good graces, but I won't stay silent when someone is being less than kind - I feel like "me too" has a broader definition than it's been used for in recent times. "Me too" means I get to shine too - not instead of others, but as well as others. It's never too late to learn to shine. And go you!
Hi Leanne, I’m a work in progress as far as this goes. I’m much better than I was when I was working though. I have difficulty setting boundaries with my elderly Mum who has lost most of her friends and lives alone. She can be quite demanding with some narcissistic traits so as you can imagine it’s difficult to manage at times. This has though made me more aware of friendships that drain me and which I therefore no longer tolerate. I’m lucky that I have a happy home life with my partner, he and I have been together over 30 years, and I have some great friends. Life is too short not to speak up when needs be.
ReplyDeleteOh you sound so much like me! My boundaries were getting stomped all over when I was working, and I had to put up with it then because I needed the income. Now I'm no longer working I've distanced myself from anyone who I feel doesn't treat me with kindness or grace, and I like to think that I treat others well too. That being said, your mum sounds like my mother-in-law who's growing more isolated and more difficult as the years go by. I've stepped back from her after the last stinging comment she made and I let my husband take responsibility for her. It's a shame that after 40 years of being the best DIL I could be, that now it's just a polite smile from me and as little contact as possible. I'm looking at it as a lesson in how to age (or how not to age!) and to make sure I don't become like that when I'm elderly...
DeleteIt took a lot for me to change and that was because of the life script I’d been following until …I realised I could change at 75. Seriously! Yes, and that is because of my personality and heritage. I’m finding my voice and using it and I am also learning to be a supporter of others but not an enforcer to do what I think . It’s a bloody long time coming I know but at least I am here now! Thanks Leanne. Denyse x
ReplyDeleteHi Denyse - I think the wake-up call comes earlier for each "generation" for you it was 75, for me it was 60, for others it's been their 40's - and hopefully for my daughter's generation it won't be needed at all. That being said, I hope her generation doesn't become so self-serving that they forget to tolerate the weaknesses in others - there will always be times when we over-step or when someone else over-steps on us. Finding when to give grace and when to strengthen our boundaries is such a tricky dance isn't it? But we're getting there - go us!
DeleteHi Leanne, While I am much less likely to fit into what I think others expect of me than when I was younger, I do still fall back into old patterns occasionally. But, the difference is that I now recognise it so I don’t stay there nearly as long as I used to. And, yes, I do feel more ‘real’ these days, and I love that about this phase of my life. I think it’s my favourite thing about getting older.
ReplyDeleteHi Sue - it's my favourite thing too. I think about that old concern about women becoming invisible in the second half of life. I feel that I'm becoming more colourful, more confident, and more "me" - so I'm grateful to be here and to encourage others to find their colours too. :)
DeleteHi Leanne - Now that I am well and truly in the 2nd half of my life, I can relate well to your post. The biggest change is that I can live according to the priorities that are set by me rather than by some other persons. The deadlines for different activities are also set by me rather than by anyone else. It is very important that we are ourselves rather than try to be like someone else.
ReplyDeleteHi Pradeep - retirement really does let us make choices that we had a lot less control over in our working days doesn't it? I think it's definitely contributed to knowing what I value and what I want to make room for in the years ahead. It's all such a time of discovery and finding our place in the world.
DeleteLeanne, I find that some of my people-pleasing, be responsible, do what is expected behaviors are so embedded in who I am that it's hard to stop them. Am I better now at being my authentic self, saying no, not pretending everything is fine? Yes, but there is still a long way to go! My natural tendency is to be accommodating to others...but now I try to make that not an unaccommodating to me thing as well. (Sorry if that's two negatives... I hope you get what I mean!). I do try and be a bit selfish with my time, engaging in things I love to do. I'm not sure how to distance myself from those who drain me, or how to stop letting my silence be acceptance for bad behavior. But little steps forwards.
ReplyDeleteHi Pat - I think we've walked very similar paths in this and we're still finding our 'sweet spot' when it comes to holding our ground vs giving others grace. The younger generation has so much more confidence in stating their views and knowing their intrinsic value. I don't want to be rude or hurtful to others, but I'm also less likely to stand by and let someone be rude to me. It may take a big hit and a few tears to spur me on, but now I'll choose distance over disrespect - and that allows me some breathing room to reassess the relationship. I'm so much better at sitting in discomfort (although I hate it!) and allowing there to be disharmony - rather than constantly trying to smooth the waters and let other people dictate my moods or my personality. Small steps forward - but forward regardless. :)
DeleteI'm in the process of learning to let go of outside expectations. At 57, I feel more like myself than I have since I was a child. :-)
ReplyDeleteHi Laura - I think I'm finally finding who I could have been if I'd been braver as a younger woman. It's so lovely to not look to others for my sense of self, and in the process to discard a lot of the hurt that I brought on myself from trying to be who I wasn't. The second half of life is such a delight. :)
DeleteLots to love here Leanne! I especially relate to this bit 'I actually don't want to be small, quiet, and insignificant. I want to be myself in all my various shades. I like be bright, happy, sparkly, and a little bit noisy. I'm not too much, I'm just right as I am'. Well done!
ReplyDelete"I think I'm finally finding who I could have been if I'd been braver as a younger woman." Leanne, you have stated this perfectly.
ReplyDelete