BOMBARDED BY OTHER PEOPLE'S HIGHLIGHTS
We live in a world where everyone shares their highlight reel. I think
we're all guilty of it in our own way - we share the best holiday snaps, the
happy family pics, the most flattering profile photo.....and don't get me
started on those Instagram filters! Everyone seems to be
living their best life
- which is fine and it's human to want to share those highlights, but we
need to be careful to remind ourselves that everyday life is a lot less
"pretty" and not to get caught up in the "compare and despair" spiral.
I thought I'd written a lot about this, but when I look back, it's just
snippets here and there and I was surprised because comparison and
expectations have both been issues I've struggled with throughout
my life. So, today I thought I'd write about both....
AVOIDING THE COMPARISON TRAP
There's a quote from Theodore Roosevelt all over Pinterest that says
Comparison is the thief of joy
Comparison steals joy when it leads to envy, or feeling inferior, or insecurity,
or dissatisfaction with our own life. We see others doing well and it makes
our own struggles seem even tougher. I've come to see that we can look at
the good fortune of others, be happy for them, and not allow it to erode our
own sense of who we are or what we have. It can be difficult at times -
especially when life isn't treating us well - but resenting other people's
blessings doesn't make our own life any easier.
The key for me has been to focus in on what's good in my life, to
acknowledge the difficulties, but not allow them to override the little
glimmers of joy
that are present every day. To practice self-compassion is essential - to
know where your weaknesses lie and to not over expose yourself to triggers.
I've been known to unfollow people on Facebook if their life is looking too
shiny and I feel kernels of envy starting. I don't use Instagram because it
would fill my world with too much filtered 'perfection' - others aren't
bothered by it, but I am....so I choose to not participate. It's different
for all of us - one person's happy scrolling is another person's 'compare
and despair'.
I'm happy with my life, with my choices, with the people I surround myself
with - anything that interrupts that is carefully curated and turned off if it
begins to cause me envy or dissatisfaction.
MAINTAINING REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
My dad used to say "Expect nothing and you won't be disappointed" - I think
that's a rather sad way to live. Anticipation and
hope
are wonderful inspirations for living life well and for enjoying all that
the future holds. Where we need to be careful is to not allow those hopes
and dreams to become so entrenched that we're gutted when they don't pan out
in the exact we we wanted them to. We live in a world where everyone expects
health, wealth, happiness, and the great
American/Australian/Canadian/Western World dream. It can crush us when those
expectations don't come to fruition, it can also crush us when others have
expectations for us (or of us) that we fail to meet. You may not be able to
completely remove the expectations, but you can reduce them down to a
manageable level.
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| via: simplyfiercely.com |
I'm trying really hard these days to keep my expectations small - and to
not base them on other people
- you can't control the actions of others and you can't make them think like
you do, so it's easier to go with the flow and take the wins when they come
your way, rather than weeping over the losses. I think I'm finally learning to be okay if it happens, and okay if it doesn't happen. And that feels like a very powerful place to be (to paraphrase a quote).
LIVING LIFE ON MY OWN TERMS
Learning to let go of my expectations has been a real learning curve for
me, especially when it comes to how I think others should behave or how a
situation should play out. I've tried to control things (a complete waste of
time!) to force an outcome to be the way I planned it....that rarely works -
and often feels manipulative when I look back on it. Now I remind myself
that it really doesn't matter - ultimately life is simpler if I allow things
to be fluid and not try to squish them into a box I can tie with a
bow.
As far as comparison goes, if you reduce your expectations then comparison
reduces as well. You can rejoice with others when their life is going well
without feeling threatened by their successes. I've come to see that a
simple, quiet life of contentment brings its own rewards and joys - and
leaves very little room for envy or dissatisfaction. I hope you're finding
that too.
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Hi, Leanne - I agree. Rejoicing and cheering on the success of others without getting caught up in comparison is liberating. Roosevelt was right. Comparison truly is the theif of Joy. I hope that you are doing well and that your hip is not giving you too much grief!
ReplyDeleteHi Donna - I also love the quote - "A candle loses nothing by lighting another" - we can all shine and celebrate each other's successes if we can get past the need to compare triumphs. Some people will always achieve more - but that doesn't detract from our own small joys. And thanks for the hip query - it is what it is, and I'm doing okay. xxx
DeleteLeanne, Stopping the compare & despair, recognizing I perceive expectations when they aren't really there, avoiding being triggered (or using glimmers to stop the negative spiral), shifting self-limiting beliefs, self-acceptance.... all things I continue to work on! I can say that I am much better at this, but still slide into old thinking habits at times. But, I actually found myself thinking "why would I ever do that" on someone's FB travel post yesterday - completely different than a Compare & Despair moment! Knowing myself. Accepting what is.... a much more contented place to be. Yes, we can hope and plan for the future, but also accept today for what it brings!
ReplyDeleteHi Pat - I think we've both been on a journey of cutting those ties that cause the compare and despair issues. I know I'm not there yet, but I'm much more aware of what my triggers are and I'm much more diligent in taking action before the damage starts. I think there's something in all of us that wants to be equal or to exceed - keeping that within balanced limits is the key for me. And also appreciation of the fact that I already have far more than I ever expected.
DeleteI learned this lesson the first year we were homeschooling (though I had to sort of re-learn it over and over again our first several years!). Comparison can be so tough and make us feel all sorts of envy and doubt and I found that just focusing on us and what we were doing helped tremendously.
ReplyDeleteHi Joanne - it's so interesting how easily we slide into feeling like we need to prove ourselves to others.....when underneath that knee jerk response, we really deeply know that we've made the best choices for ourselves and our families. It definitely impacts us when our kids and what's best for them comes into play - and I think you've made some really healthy and strong choices for your family - go you!
DeleteLeanne, your developed wisdom is precious. I am just beginning to have enough self- compassion to stop being what I call “driven’ to meet self- imposed expectations. I love your quote, “Ultimately life is simpler if I allow things to be fluid and not try to squish them into a box I can tie with a bow”. .It will have a place at eye level.in my office. Thank You
ReplyDeleteHi Judith - I've been trying to squish myself into other people's boxes since I was a child. It's taken me a long time to realize that I actually don't want to fit into those boxes (even if I could). They're restrictive, fake, and confining - give me freedom and fresh air any day - and I relish women like yourself who are authentic and living life on their own terms :)
DeleteLet's not forget that ageism is very prevalent in this world and that older women feel invisible and ignored. So, I understand the pressure women feel at trying to look as youthful as they can. You can just type Lisa LaFlamme a terrific Canadian broadcaster who was fired and replaced by a younger man. Men don't fear losing their jobs because of their appearance but it very often happens to women. I am past middle age and I am choosing not to dye my almost white hair and take care of myself the best I can giving the fact that I live with a very painful degenerative disease. Very hard not to compare when I see others do things that I used to do but I know it's futile to do so and I practice self-compassion and I extend that compassion to others. I am not on any social medias and I have let go of blogs that measure success in terms of appearance, the size of your home or wallet. We need to love people and use things not the other way around. Leanne, I love your blog because of its meaningful topics and your authenticity. I admire who you are and I look forward to Monday mornings. You're my cup of sunshine. Hope you get your surgery soon. xox
ReplyDeleteHi Yvonne - you are the kindest person! Thank you for your affirming words (it's what keeps me hammering away on my keyboard each week!) And I think you've hit the nail on the head with self-compassion and extending it to others as well as yourself. If comparing and competing enriched our lives they would be worth chasing after, but I find they steal something from me every time I go down that path. My confidence takes a hit, my self-worth drops, and I start questioning things that aren't important. I'd much rather focus on contentment and living a smaller life that brings me joy than trying to be something I'm not or trying to prove myself to others. I'll cheer them on, but I'm not participating in the race anymore.
DeleteHi Leanne, just doing some catch-up after my blogging break and fabulous holiday. I agree with you we need to appreciate the little joys but also the highlights when we have them pop up in our life. My recent trip to see my daughter and granddaughter is up there in my 'best ever moments' and I'm thrilled to share these joyful times with others and know they understand my joy. I'm much more confident as I age in expressing my feelings and appreciating all that I have - big and small! That candle quote is also a good one! Thanks for sharing your insights with us, always a joy!
ReplyDeleteHi Deb - that's the side of social media I love - the sharing of real life joys - not curated, not filtered, just the love and happiness (and especially when it relates to family). There's no comparisons, just a shared joy with the person posting. And yes, I think we can all light someone's candle if we choose to share our light - rather than trying to outshine everyone (or feeling our light isn't bright enough compared to someone else's).
DeleteJust back for another read Leanne, as part of Denyse's new Wednesday linkup - great post :)
DeleteThere are so many golden nuggets in this post! I think age and experience teach us all to eventually release that urge to control, to accept ourselves and stop comparing...most of the time. It's harder for kids who've grown up with a phone glued to their hands and sharing your wisdom here - but also with them is so important.
ReplyDeleteHi Agnesa - you're so right about today's generation and their phones (and the damage that social media can do to those not strong enough - or aware enough - to choose what they scroll through. Fortunately today's generation seems to be more self assured than mine was - so hopefully that will give them a bit of a buffer (and having wise parents helps too!)
DeleteThere is a lot to ponder in this post, Leanne. It got me thinking about what I post on Facebook and Instagram. First, I can proudly say I don't use any filters, but then I don't post many selfies either. I do post mostly the happy highlights of my life, because sharing them multiplies the joy for me. Also, I tend to take photos of family gatherings and vacations, rather than those everyday struggles or mundane moments we all face. There is so much negativity in the world, I'm okay with a happy highlight reel of my friends' and family's lives, as long as I recognize it for what it is. That said, I'm not interested in influencers' glamorized posts or anyone's filtered pictures. I agree with you that individuals need to recognize their own triggers for "compare and despair" and avoid those.
ReplyDeleteHi Christie - I always love seeing other people's happy snaps on FB and I am just as guilty as everyone else about sharing mine.....that's what FB is for really isn't it? I do struggle when I get bombarded with overly curated stuff, or with people telling me how great they are and how I could be great too if I just did what they're doing.
DeleteWhat I've realized is that I have complete control over my social media - I can use the platforms that suit me and ignore the ones that don't. I can also snooze someone who is triggering something in me and then resume when things have settled down. I think we all need to take responsibility with knowing what causes us discomfort and then figure out how to handle that - what bothers one person has absolutely no impact on someone else. And I definitely want to see other people's joy and share in it! xx
I try to remind myself of the highlight reel thing when I'm looking at social media etc. I wonder what people would think of my life from the stuff I share. I usually share sarcastic stuff on my stories but usually pictures of me out doing stuff on my feed so it looks as if I'm out all of the time. When of course I'm not.
ReplyDeleteMy social media feed is pretty well non-existant (except for my blog page). I just don't do anything much - and when I do, I'm too busy enjoying it to remember to take photos! I think we all share the good bits, but we just need to remember that's what we're seeing from others so that we don't end up feeling "less" all the time :)
DeleteHi Leanne, I've written about the comparison trap so many times over my blogging years but yet I can still fall prey to it (ppl are prettier, more stylish, more successful, awesome holidays, more popular with lots of friends, blah blah blah). That quote is so very true isn't it - comparison is the thief of joy - so true. Interestingly, a friend I hadn't seen for quite a while and I met up for lunch recently and she follows me on Instagram and views my stories etc. She said things which indicated she thought my life was so full of coffees and lunches out and fabulous art creations and blah blah and so on. It shocked me! My life is quite hard lately and most of my time is over caring for mum and making aged care arrangements (lots of phone calls with govt agencies!) but I don't share that stuff so much mostly for privacy reasons. We tend to share the good stuff because we want to be positive and uplifting and not a drag but I guess we should include a bit more of the boring 'drag' stuff so that we give a more balanced view of our lives. Mostly though, we just need to be aware that we are only seeing highlight reels and that 'everyone' has hard or boring stuff as part of their lives too! xo
ReplyDeleteYou said it perfectly Min - life is 98% hum drum day to day living - I bet the influencers still have their days of doing mundane stuff too. I just watch myself carefully when I'm on FB etc to make sure that I'm not envying others. If someone is doing something that is making me feel like that, I'll snooze them for a while. There are those who do lead pretty wealthy, fun, family filled lives - lucky them.....and I don't begrudge them a minute of it, I just need to make sure that it's not giving me expectations that make me sad or disappointed - and then get on with living my pretty great life on my own terms. I hope all goes will with the aged care stuff for your mum - dealing with govt agencies is always a nightmare (and I used to work for one!)
DeleteOh gosh, Leanne, you did hit a nerve there didn't you. I can be (OK, learning not to be as much) a linear person...thinking if I do all the right things then all will be OK...ha! Forgetting both the human element and the health one gives me lessons ALL the time. So, recovery needs to be dealt with more flexibly. Still I can't always remember but my body reminds me if I dont! That's a sad statement attributed to your Dad..life must have been quite the challenge for him...and for his family too.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for joining in the first week of Wednesday’s Words & Pics Link Up!
I am glad to have reconnected a lovely blogging community here and look forward to more sharing as we move forward.
See you next week, on Wednesday 14 September 2022 if you have a post to link up!
Warmest wishes and appreciation from
Denyse.
Hi Denyse - I think those of us who see through the shiny surface of highlight reel social media, and who choose to not get caught up in it, live much more contentedly. The desire to keep presenting a blemish free life for public perusal just does my head in. I'd much rather admit when I'm struggling and talk about how I'm dealing with it in a positive way, than try to pretend that everything is sunshine and roses 24/7. Life is real and I want to be surrounded by real people who share the highlights and the 'normal stuff' too.
DeleteI do worry about the filters - I don't even take selfies let alone use filters, but I keep reading about the damage they do. It's a topic I need to discuss with my youngest as she's right at that age....As for SM making people feel bad, I really don't get that at all. But I guess it depends on you follow and how you use it. My Insta is pretty pictures for me, and I follow travel photographers mainly or artists. So it's a great pick me up in seconds. My fb is usually my ranting about whatever is doing my head in. Last post was about the government website being down while I'm trying to pay the employees super...I CSA things I think people might want to do or find interesting, and I announce what I'm buying tickets for and see if anyone wants to come. It's sort of a public diary in advance, and Insta is what I've done. I guess I like to celebrate my friends successes or commiserate with their crappiness. I don't get the people that just pretend everything is great on SM, because we all see thru it anyway...
ReplyDeleteI think you have the balance pretty much down pat Lydia - and you're obviously a strong, self-assured woman, so the highlight reels of others probably don't drag you down. I find that people and their super-shiny lives start to wear on me after a while - especially those I know who are constantly bombarding their SM with "aren't I amazing?" type stuff - I just can't be bothered with it all and my unfollow button gets pressed.
DeleteHi Leanne, Thank you for your weekend coffee share. It's interesting to read about how people let social media affect them negatively and some seem to have a hard time breaking off their SM habits. I don't use social media so I don't see highlight reel. I choose to spend my time with family and friends IRL or nature.
ReplyDeleteI think IRL and nature are far more honest and manageable than all the stuff that appears on FB or IG Natalie. For those of us who've spent a lot of time and effort on getting their self-assurance up to scratch, keeping away from SM is a win/win.
DeleteI like the thought of decluttering expectations. It's so unwise to compare oneself with another person, since we never walked in their shoes. We all have so much to be grateful for. Great post!
ReplyDeleteI'm a big fan of any type of uncluttering Maria - and tossing out people and situations that hurt my heart or disrupt my peace is very high on my to-do list these days.
DeleteSo good Leanne. It's always so important to remember this. I always want to celebrate others, to remember that filters for many are just "fun" while others may use them to feel better...i've tried them and I always feel like I look so fake...haha! Thinking, "I do NOT look as good as I thought that person looked with the filter". Plus if I ever met someone in person, I wouldn't want them to be "surprised" by what I really look like.
ReplyDeleteHi Kirstin - I think they have a fake feeling to them too. I'm happy if others like them, but I need to remind myself that they don't actually look like that IRL. I also keep remembering that nobody's life is perfect, so no matter how many razzle dazzle posts there are on FB or IG - they're only carefully chosen nuggets and not the whole picture.
Delete