WHEN PART OF LIFE IS DIFFICULT
I write a lot about positivity here on the blog, but there are times when
we need to acknowlege that things aren't all sunshine and roses. Right now I'm going through a bit of a "phase" .....something that's been a part of
my life since I was a teenager is just not fitting well lately. No, it's not
my marriage - that's fine - it's just one aspect of my life that I've been
committed to for decades and I'm feeling very let down by right now (and
have been for the last few years).
I don't want to be specific about what's troubling me, but I do want to say
that sometimes there are parts of your life that you have to figure out. In
my case I can't change the situation - I do know there are plans in place for
it to eventually resolve, and that's helped me stick things out until now......but I think it's taking too long and I need to step away until it finally happens.
IS QUITTING FOR A WHILE OKAY?
Someone I know commented on people who quit when things get tough and how
that showed how flighty they are - no stickability. I tend to agree if the
situation is only a minor issue - sometimes we have to ride out
discomfort to find growth on the other side.....but if it's ongoing and
there's no sense of awareness on the part of those causing the problem,
maybe you do need to
step back for a time
for your own peace of mind.
I don't see myself walking away permanently, but I do think I need to
press the pause button
for my own mental and spiritual health. Women of my age are often caught up
in the "should" mindset - "I should keep going..." or "I should try
harder..." or "I should be feeling differently..." There's value in
assessing a situation and taking responsibility for your role in it, but
sometimes there's not much you can do to change it, and if it's dragging you
down then it might be time for a break from all those "shoulds".
DROUGHTS AND DESERTS
I've been feeling sucked dry, parched, and weary of pushing through something that's taking far too long to change. There's a quote (attributed
incorrectly to Albert Einstein) that says:
Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.
I'm not insane or foolish, but I do stick with my commitments through rain,
hail, and shine.... What's happening now though is that I can see that
giving something my best shot and being disappointed over and over again
means that I need to make a change. I need to take that step back and to
stop worrying about whether I'm letting people down or being a "piker". I
need to look at what I need and to top up my tank in a different way for a
while.
WHERE TO FROM HERE?
What's next has been on my mind for some time, while I've been trying to ride out
the situation until change eventually occurs. I think I've finally hit the wall, and when I found myself crying about it today I knew I needed to stop
procrastinating and hoping for the best, and start being proactive - I'm no
weeping willow, so it's time to step out of the desert and to find a little
oasis for myself for now.
I'm not sure if I'm alone in this need
to fill my own cup
and leave situations that aren't right for me. I do know that this year I
want to focus on
Living Lightly
- and I can't do that if my soul is dry and weighed down by disappointment
and disillusionment. I'm not up for a fight or for demanding change, this
isn't my year to be going into battle....so I think I'll choose to be kind
and gentle to myself and take a break until that situation moves in a new
direction. I saw this quote from
Marc and Angel
that sums it up pretty well....
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Do you have any advice for me? Have you had to step away from a
disappointment? Is it possible to step forward again if you take some time
out? I'd be really interested to hear what you think in the comments.
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I lost my husband 1 1/2 yrs ago. Its been extremely tough but God is my co-pilot. The other day while walking the dog I asked God to help me get through the day. As I was walking I looked down and spotted a candy wrapper that read -“YOu Got This”. Just ask him he’s always there
ReplyDeleteI've certainly prayed about this a lot over the last few years and done my best to smile and push through. I truly believe now that God needs to deal with the situation (rather than me) and when that's taken place, I can step forward again with hope. I'm so glad that you have your faith to carry you through this difficult stage of life - it makes such a difference doesn't it? x
DeleteSorry, no advice as you know what you need to do and I am the world's worst person at actually following through with what I know needs to be done. Take care...x
ReplyDeleteThanks Jo - I think I've given myself so much advice over the last few years that I've run the full gamut (I had to spell check that!) Now I'm just going with my heart and with the intention I set for myself this year - less battles, more peace!
DeleteLeanne - perhaps if you think of it not so much as "quitting" but as "growing" it could be easier for you to step away for a while. Perhaps you've "grown apart" from this situation -- this doesn't mean you'll never "grow together" again. If this is causing you so much distress, are you able to be yourself and give of yourself in the situation? And, if not, then is it good for the others involved for you to stick around right now? Another way to think about it would be to ask yourself if you didn't have the history of the situation, and you just happened upon an opportunity to get involved today, right now, knowing what you know and hoping what you hope, would you? Could you commit if you were just being asked now? You made a decision long ago -- but does that mean you can't make a different decision right now? You made that decision with the wisdom and knowledge you had then -- today you have different wisdom and knowledge. Are you being called to act accordingly? Just thoughts that I've used in similar situations through the years...I hope they are helpful to you.
ReplyDeleteHi Janet - these are such wise words - and know, I wouldn't be committing to the situation as it is now - it was VERY different several years ago - and I felt it was the right place and time for us. Now I feel like I'm drying up and slowly dying - and that's the opposite to how I should be feeling. I've tried "choose your attitude" and "get up, dress up & show up" and neither seems to be working for me - I've just hit the end of my tether and I don't want to be the disgruntled whiner in the background. I figure if I step back now and allow things to progress to their eventual end, then I can step back in later and be part of growing the new. It's so tough though and such a disillusionment for me right now......sigh
DeleteOh I know where you are standingI have had to step away from certain persons that tend to drain me and I will be there when necessary but not on a daily basis. I take care of me now and feel no quilt about it, though I have in the past. Take care of you - “you do you” and let it go. Go towards people/things that appreciate your presence. Love your postings and look forward to each one!
ReplyDeleteHi Becky - thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I think I've done the guilt thing to death over this situation and also the "obligation" side of things too. It's been about not abandoning the ship - but sometimes it's time to jump in a life raft and save yourself - I won't be rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic anymore!
DeleteHi, Leanne - I am so sorry to hear about this. There are times when we all need to press the pause button and that is totally okay. My advice, which will hopefully help make you smile, is: Don't should upon yourself and don't let others should upon you.
ReplyDeleteSending warm thoughts your way!
Oh I love that 'should upon you' comment! I think I've been the 'should' queen for my entire adult life and now it's time to just throw my hands up in the air and stroll off into the sunset for a little while. A pause can be a good thing - it certainly beats crying!
DeleteWow such wise words already for you. I had a very very difficult time some years ago and was seeing a counsellor. She said to me that, at times of real crisis , people usually have a little voice inside their head which is telling them exactly what is going on and what should happen. I had that little voice and was very, very sad and upset about what it was telling me. But , ultimately, I’ve ended up much happier and fulfilled by acting on it. Wishing you all the best and listen your little voice. Your words read as if you already are doing so. Now trust yourself.
ReplyDeleteHi Gillie - thank you for your wise words (and your counsellor's!) As I drove myself home for the last time I was actually saying out loud "no more no more no more" - I think that was the little voice in my head yelling at me! I don't think I've reached a point of no return - just a point where I need to step away and fill my own cup for a while. When the instigator is oblivious to the situation, it's time to put some distance between myself and the chaos. Thank you for affirming that. x
DeleteHi Leanne, your post couldn’t have come at a better time for me as I am in a similar predicament. I have spent hours pondering what to do about it and even made notes in the middle of the night last night of what I might say in a phone call that wouldn’t sound confrontational or challenging, but decades of experience tells me that it would invariably make things worse between us. So I will try to follow your wise words and take a step back for a while. Thank you so much for your post and I wish you all the best at this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteHi - right back and I'm glad we could encourage each other in our 'predicaments'. I've found that confrontation never seems to end well and usually it's the innocent party that cops the fallout and stress. I just can't face going head to head with the instigator of the situation I've been finding myself in (he's completely oblivious to the damage that's being done) and I know that I would be heard or understood. So, sometimes it's simpler to step back and build our reserves up again, to look at what's right for our heads and hearts and to then re-engage or move on. Growth comes, but gee it can be a tough path at times! Good luck xx
DeleteLeanne, I love the comment from the friend who said, 'don't let anyone should on you.' Your truth is you truth and that is all you can rely on. Some situations just can't be 'fixed', but you will find a way to live with 'what is.'
ReplyDeleteHi Suzanne - I loved the "quote" too and it gave me a smile - especially as I 'm trying so hard not to let "should" dictate my life. I'm hoping the situation gradually resolves itself in time, but I can't be part of that resolution - I need to let others figure it out. I can't rescue everyone, but I can save myself (and that's all I can manage right now).
DeleteThanks for being real and vulnerable. Life is both joy and sorrow for sure!
ReplyDeleteSo much hard learned wisdom shared in your posts and comments, really appreciate knowing I’m not the only one that struggles with the hard stuff of life.
Becoming a healthy whole person takes alot of hard work and the reward is ahead! Staying in a dysfunctional or toxic place is even harder with no good outcome…stay strong, be well, we need your light & voice ❤️🩹❤️
Hi Kristine, thank you SO much for your encouraging words. Sometimes when I share stuff I wonder if I'm 'talking' into the ether, but when I hear back and the words are kind it makes such a difference. I pounded this post out while my heart was sore and the responses have been so warm and caring - and I'm grateful none of them are telling me to suck it up and keep on shrivelling up! Struggles, joys, boring days, and just doing life are all part of the journey - and I'm so grateful that I have a place to share mine and to cheer others on......we've got this xx
DeleteLeanne, I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation - I know how difficult and draining it can be. I like Gillie's comment about listening to the voice in your head - yours is telling you that you need to step back. I had a difficult time a few years ago and did not listen to my little voice and just struggled on, which didn't do me or the other party any favours. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteHi Elizabeth - that little voice advice was very helpful indeed, and as I said in my reply, I think mine was screaming at me as I hit the wall with it all. I ignored that voice when I was in my horrible job and almost ended up having a nervous breakdown - and I swore I'd never do it again.....this is different, but I was on track for another meltdown if I kept going, so stepping back now is a smarter choice than I gave myself credit for. It's also helpful to know that others struggle too - we don't journey alone. x
DeleteI also try to keep my posts on the positive side and I also am dealing with a rough patch! I appreciate the quote about trusting the journey. I can't step away from my situation, but I do not think it's "quitting" if you can step away from yours, if even for only for a bit. I stepped away from a toxic family situation last year.... it was not easy and it took time to accept the new reality (still working on that actually). Maybe stepping away will provide a different perspective on it as well!
ReplyDeleteHi Pat - yes, your situation is much more complex than mine and your choices are far fewer. In my case (and with your family last year) I think stepping away and allowing some breathing space is definitely the way to go. You can try and try and try, but if that doesn't work, then maybe you're not the issue and it's time to let things run their course without being embroiled in the middle of it all. Something inside me is saying "I just can't do this anymore" and I'm going to listen to that voice instead of stifling it.
DeleteLeanne, I have been there many times and I am very much like you. I will keep giving all my best to resolve a situation but at one point you realize that there's no reciprocity and you're fighting a losing battle. It's difficult as I am not the type of person who gave up easily on people and things but comes a time when you realize that nothing is changing, and you have to take a break (sometimes permanently) for your own physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health. Much easier said than done and it takes time. Trust yourself and pause to gain new perspective or to let it go. Right now, I am going through a very difficult time with the loss of the love of my life in December and so many unresolved issues. Your words of comfort meant the world to me. PAUSE, REFLECT and NURTURE. Hugs, love and prayers coming your way. Thank you very much for sharing! ❤
ReplyDeleteHi Yvonne, I always pause when I'm writing about my life and think about those (like yourself) who are doing it so much harder than I am. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through right now, and yet you find time to write encouraging words to me in my small world of struggle - it says a lot about you and your caring nature. I often think that it should be you who writes a blog because you'd have so much wisdom to share from all that you've dealt with in life.
DeleteI think your word "perspective" is the right one - and sometimes you need to step back several paces to be able to view the big picture or to distance yourself from something that isn't resonating with your core values. I have never given up easily - I fight to my last breath to support who or what I've committed to, but sometimes there's nothing more to do, other than save yourself - and that's what I'm choosing to do now, rather than letting things get to the point of no return like they did with my toxic co-worker.
I have several times where I have needed to walk away. Just because something is right at one point doesn't mean that it's always right. There's a time to plant and a time to reap etc. As long as one doesn't quit because of pride or being "sligh
ReplyDeleteted" or anything like that, I think it's fine. It's not as if you are flighty!
Karin you made me smile by saying I wasn't flighty :) I have truly given it my best shot over and over again, but as I've watched others leave, as I've listened to others admit to their sadness and disappointment, I realize that "it's not me, it's you" in this case and I can't keep pushing through. It's been years of dissatisfaction and I think there's a time to rest your soul - to not give up on the big picture, but to realize the small picture is dysfunctional and I don't need to be part of it right now. Others give up, and I guess I have to sometimes too. x
DeleteHi Leanne, sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time and I love all the words of advice from your readers - they are very wise!! I don't have anything to add except that just be true to yourself as much as you can. Take care xx
ReplyDeleteHi Deb - I've SO appreciated the encouragement and advice I've received here in the comments and elsewhere. What I love about blogging is that you can share your story and others care enough to respond and to offer their wisdom. I don't feel hopeless (like I did after leaving my job) I think I've caught myself in time, but I do feel that sometimes stepping back is braver than sticking it out (that's been a revelation for me!)
DeleteHi Leanne. I hate when we're told what we should and shouldn't do, since everyone's situation is so very different. we have to do what is right for us, as individuals. You've got this! My thoughts and prayers are with you. xx Christina Daggett
ReplyDeleteThanks Christina - I think we can choose to stay in a situation that's not good for us for a long time, but eventually it takes a toll. Crying was my sign to myself that it was time to step back before I ended up going down the rabbit hole that I went down with my old job - once bitten twice VERY shy!
DeleteI think, depending on what the context is, taking a break can be good, and can help to get another perspective, and renewed energy. If it's something you don't HAVE to do and that kills your energy and joy... maybe it's time to go. It all depends on what the situation is. I hope you'll figure out what you feel is best for you. Hugs and prayers!
ReplyDeleteHi Susanne - it's not something I HAVE to do, but something that I've been strongly committed to all my adult life. To have to step back hurts due to circumstances beyond my control is a difficult call, but I think it's the right one for this season of my life. I'll go back, but when I'm ready....and when change has occured. Thank you for you kind thoughts. x
DeleteHi Leanne there is never any shame in changing direction. It isn't 'quitting' or even if it is we have a right to be happy. For me, the last week has not been good personally so I've stepped back and gone into my shell for a while until I feel strong enough to re-emerge. We have one life and as I've said before in my posts we need to walk away from things that rob us of joy. You deserve to be happy and if others judge that is their loss. Sending love and hugs.
ReplyDeleteHi Sue - you're absolutely right. I've been torn between the need to not be a piker and the need to acknowledge that it's just not working for me right now. When something or someone drains your soul of joy over and over, you have to be brave enough to pull back and protect yourself before you're a mess. I learnt that lesson from my toxic job - and I probably left this stepping back too long, but I know I've given it my all and now I can rest from it for a while and regroup. Sending you love for your difficult season too - life can be a rollercoaster at times! x
DeleteHi Leanne, I've got no idea what the situation is that you're referring to, but I do know that if something is causing you stress or making you sad then the wisest thing would to be to step back from it - if not permanently, then temporarily until things are more tolerable. We all have a right to be happy and at this stage of life we deserve to be able to recreate our lives in a way that uplifts and energises us and makes us want to spring out of bed each morning to live! xo
ReplyDeleteHi Min - I was deliberately obtuse because I'm never sure how many people who I know IRL would read it and feel the need to try to 'fix it'. I completely agree with what you're saying and it's the same conclusion I came to - life's too short to be miserable and to keep doing something over and over again that is just dragging me down instead of uplifting me. Sometimes we just need to be brave enough to retreat from the battlefield - and that's what I've chosen to do.....and it feels right for me - and that's the only scale I can rate it on right now. x
DeleteKnowing when to let go is an art. It seems you are learning this and listening to your inner wise woman. Thank you for your blog post shared on Wednesday’s Words and Pics this week. I do appreciate your support. I hope to see you next week too. Denyse.
ReplyDeleteHi Denyse - I decided to listen to that inner wise woman before she had to shout too loudly at me! Going through that tough time a few years ago has taught me to be aware of when my tolerance and commitment are being taken advantage of - and to act before I end up the same mess I was back then.
DeleteSome really brave comments there. Knowing when to quit and actually doing it takes courage.
ReplyDeleteI've really appreciated the comments too - it's always good to know you're not alone when life takes a bit of a nosedive. And yes, walking out the door was tough but so worth it now I've done it. I'll go back sometime - but on my own terms.
DeleteI'm not sure how I feel about the word "quit." I preferred words like change and break, or switching gears, moving on . . . That kind of a thing. I think it covers the same idea of stepping away from things that aren't in our best interest, but it feels less harsh. Great post, Leanne.
ReplyDeleteHi Shari - I think "quit" has such negative connotations associated with it - I really liked the quote because it reshapes the idea of saying "I've had enough" - it can be a positive and not a sign of weakness. I think (whatever word you choose) it takes a lot of courage to move on or make a change - more courage than staying stuck and putting up with less than you deserve. Onwards and upwards! :)
DeleteStepping back, living lightly, changing paths, redirecting, see how things go. I think we all need it from time to time. I'm in the midst of trying to make some changes & don't have any idea in the moments which way it will go. I've done my part to do the things I need do. I'll accept the outcome to be God's will either way. Karen #Weekendcoffeeshare
ReplyDeleteHi Karen - that's exactly where I'm at - I don't think God will judge me for making this move after years of doing all I could to improve the situation. I think those who will be judged are the ones who choose to not see that change is needed and who make it difficult for others to keep showing up. I'm happy with my decision for now - I'll return, but not under the same conditions - change is in the air and I can wait for it before I go back.... Good luck with your changes too.
DeleteHi Leanne, Recognizing when to take a break and doing so to take care of your emotional and mental health is not quitting. Thank you for your weekend coffee share. Sending you virtual hugs and strength.
ReplyDeleteHi Natalie - after the toxic job and what that did to my mental and emotional health, I'll do anything to avoid returning to that deep dark place. I feel like I've given this my very best shot and if others aren't prepared to step up, then I need to step back - and I'm finally okay with that.
DeleteAfter just reading the advice that Job's friends gave him during his trying times, I probably don't have any advice that would be helpful enough to listen to. Just know that I have changed directions many times. It is part of curating my life. If it ain't broke..., but if it is broke, then Einstein had the best advice. You're a smart woman, and there's probably no wrong decision, only what works best for you.
ReplyDeleteHi Marsha - I love the reference to Job and his not-so-helpful friends. I've had plenty of advice about this, but I figure when something inside breaks enough for me to be crying then I need to make a change. I'm getting much better at accepting that life is full of changes and it's not a bad thing - just an adjustment for now. And you're right - staying wouldn't be wrong - just wrong for me right now. :)
DeleteI think pressing Pause is necessary sometimes. In fact, it may be while things happen or our lives take a certain path. All the best to you!! Will keep you in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much - I definitely think it's only a pause and not a complete disconnection. I just need to gather my thoughts, find a new way of doing that part of my life, and look after myself until things change and I can reassess.
DeleteSitting in line to pick up my grandkids from school and enjoying your posts. I’m glad I found your site. I’ve spoken with you recently - via a different email - but this is Sherry. I’m really thinking things over and taking my time before proceeding. I have two glorious weeks off - so I will be doing some soul searching.
ReplyDeleteI actually have a similar situation going on. This other person and I see things so differently, I know how the conversation would be construed. We live very different lives; both of us following the path that aligns with our goals and values. So I’ve realized I need to let it go.
I agree with several of your other responses that it is not about giving up. It is self-care and self-love. As women, and mothers, we can encourage each other, knowing it sometimes takes practice to put ourselves and our needs first.
Good for you! (Giving you a high-five).
Hi Sherry - I'm so glad you found me and I think we're probably on a similar journey. My husband often uses the quote “A man convinced against his will. Is of the same opinion still” when we talk about trying to change someone else's entrenched opinions or behaviour. I'm finally learning that you can't convince someone to change and their worldview is just as valid as mine (even if I don't agree with it). If I can live with it, I'll do my best......but if it's dragging me down or conflicting with my values then I'm getting brave enough to not fight the battle and to quietly move on.
DeleteI figure you can always go back later - but if you leave something for too long you become so wounded that it's irreparable. Good luck with your difficult person and enjoy those two blissful weeks ahead of you - and good luck with whatever you decide to do about starting that website. x
I feel as though I've been looking for a "pause" button quite some time but unfortunately rather "pause" because things have to go on, I reframe it as "stepping away" to create my own type of pause.
ReplyDeleteHi Julie - I think stepping away (or stepping back as I'm doing) is vital if we want to keep our stress levels to a manageable level or if we're in a situation that isn't going to resolve easily. It's not running away, it's just allowing a little breathing space. :)
DeleteLeanne, that is so good and so true. I loved the quotes you shared. I have had a situation where for my own sake and ability to sleep at night had to just let go and leave the ball in someone elses court. However a month ago, I received something in the mail that will eventually have me needing to attempt communication with this person and I have no idea how it will go. I try to guard my thoughts when I go to bed, so worry doesn't creep in. Uggh, but sometimes we have done what we can and for our own sake and sanity we need to step away for how long it takes.
ReplyDeleteIt's so difficult to get the balance right isn't it? As much as possible I try not to over-think things too much. I figure if a person or place feels wrong then it's time to put some distance into place between me and what's causing the stress. Sometimes we have to step back in for a short period, but if nothing's changed then we step back again and move on. Worry is an awful feeling - and so is dread. I hope you find a way through your situation and can move forward with grace. :)
DeleteSelf-care is so important and that includes stepping away from toxic relationships and situations...no matter who is involved. I loved what Janet said about growth. And what Becky said about going toward people and things that appreciate you. I'll add, go towards people that lift you up not take you down.
ReplyDeleteVery wise words indeed - and you're so right. I've reached a place in life where I just don't have the energy to fight battles where the opposition doesn't see the problem and will never address the issue. I'd rather step back and find people and places that are positive and affirming - they're worth much more of my time and for me to inveest my heart into.
DeleteThere have been so many valuable comments here Leanne, I have also found negative feeds and comments very draining. Life is so short, it’s so uplifting to see people like yourself being so uplifting. We have to look at positive situations, just to get out for a walk I find and feel just so much better for it. Love your blogs. 😄
ReplyDeleteThanks so much - I'm glad you love visiting. I'm such an advocate of trying to find the brighter side of life. Sometimes things aren't ideal, but I'm finding now that I'm brave enough to step away or change direction - or even tackle something difficult, rather than just pushing through and being quietly miserable. Life's short and I want to be happy as often as possible - not necessarily every minute - but certainly for lots of minutes each day. x
DeleteI know I write this comment 6 months after this post was published, but I resonated with the "I'm not up for a fight or for demanding change, this isn't my year to be going into battle....so I think I'll choose to be kind and gentle to myself and take a break". And I was glad to hear when you told me you had made this choice (the people you meet in Aldi). That was the path I took too (same place, same town), and it was worth it. I hope in the months since, that the break has been restorative for you. And that the adventures ahead keep you smiling.
ReplyDeleteHi - (Yes! the people you meet in Aldi!) and it has been a good break - and yes, this post was all about that. Like you, I just couldn't be bothered banging my head against a brick wall trying for change that would never happen. A lack of discernment means that some people will never see what you see, and it's easier to step back for a while and wait for change to happen. Now that change has occurred I'm going to dip my toe back in the water and see if things are going to be healthier and more whole - but I'm older and wiser now, and will be going in with my eyes open and giving myself grace. I really hope you might pop in to try out the waters too before too long. xxx
Delete