WHY DO I AVOID LARGE SOCIAL GATHERINGS?

The desire to avoid social events where I don't know many people stems back to my need for acceptance and fear of rejection.

FACING MY FEARS AND OWNING MY INSECURITIES

When I started this post I dithered over what title to give it. I went around and around because I didn't want to admit to myself (and others) that I have a deeply ingrained insecurity that is based soley on wanting to avoid largish social gatherings. It's embarrassing to be a 60+ year old woman who still defines herself in social situations by second guessing what other people are thinking and feeling when they meet me.

The logical part of me knows that I'm a fairly likeable individual who does her best to be friendly, kind, and engaged with others........but the illogical side of me slips back into the blushing, shy child and teenager who stepped back and did her best to blend into whatever social situation she was in and not stand out too much. 

I found out the other day that there are scientific terms for this.....

SOCIAL AVOIDANCE 

For someone like me, avoiding large groups of people comes back to not having to face my (slightly desperate) desire to be liked by others, and not feeling judged or found wanting. I don't have to worry what others think if I don't expose myself to unfamiliar social situations. The term for this is Social Avoidance and Distress (SAD), but I think there's also a degree of Fear of Negative Evaluation (FNE) at work too. There's a SADS scale and an FNE scale to assess yourself on and when I read through them, I could tick several boxes:

  • I often think of excuses in order to avoid large social engagements. 
  • I usually feel uncomfortable when I am in a group of people I don’t know.
  • I would avoid walking up and joining a large group of people. 
  • I try to avoid formal social occasions.
  • When I am talking to someone, I worry about what they may be thinking about me.
  • If someone is evaluating me I tend to expect the worst.

MIDLIFE, FNE, SAD, AND ME

One of the many joys of Midlife is that you get better at recognizing beliefs about yourself that need to be challenged or adjusted. I'm not that blushing child anymore, I wear a really good mask...... I'm able to deal with social situations competently and I appear quite confident most of the time, but there's still the insecurity lying at the bottom of things waiting to jump out when I need to mingle and 'expose myself' out in the real world.

Midlife is teaching me to slowly peel away the mask, to look at social occasions more objectively, and to detach a little from being so tied up in wanting to be accepted. I don't feel such a pervasive need to prove myself as much anymore, and I can acknowledge that others aren't looking for my faults (and are probably more concerned with their own!) It still takes a conscious effort on my part to remind myself of this every time I'm going into an unfamiliar situation, to allow myself to believe that the mask isn't needed and I'm perfectly okay without it. I also try to surround myself with people who I trust to have my back.


DO I HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY?

I've asked myself if I have social anxiety and I think I probably have it to a lesser degree - that's why I think social avoidance is a better term. I have enough coping skills to bluff my way through, but it does trouble me that I choose to avoid large groups whenever possible, and I find that engaging in a noisy, chatty gathering will leave me with a migraine afterwards. I envy those who plunge right in, find a stranger to start a conversation with, and walk away feeling energized and enthused.

Maybe I'll never be a social butterfly, I figure if I haven't attained that status by now, then I probably never will - but that doesn't mean I can't learn to untangle my thoughts and my assumptions about others. The older I get, the more I realize that some people thrive in environments where they encounter lots of people, and some (like me) find it quite stressful and worrying. Neither is right or wrong - we're just different.

SELF-ACCEPTANCE AND FINDING PEACE

Choosing the term "Live Lightly" for my Word of the Year plays into this. I don't think there's any point forcing myself to be someone I'm not. I'll probably never feel totally comfortable in group settings, so rather than berating myself about it, I think I need to be kinder to that inner part of me that finds socializing so stressful. To step lightly and to be gentle with myself.


Being okay with who I am, acknowleging my strengths and my weaknesses, accepting what works for me and what doesn't.....that's what living lightly looks like. If I really don't enjoy the idea of thrusting myself into large gatherings, that's okay - but I can also challenge myself to step out of my comfort zone at times and stretch myself a little. It's good for me to mingle, it's good to meet new people, I just need to do it in a way that feels authentic and comfortable.

ANY SUGGESTIONS?

If you've conquered your fear of group dynamics, if you've stepped out of the shadows, I'd love to know what tactics you used, or what your motivation was. I know some people are naturally social, but for those of us who aren't, any advice is always welcome.

RELATED POSTS


The desire to avoid social events where I don't know many people stems back to my need for acceptance and fear of rejection.

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Cresting the Hill - a blog for Midlife (Middle Aged / 50+) women who want to thrive
The desire to avoid social events where I don't know many people stems back to my need for acceptance and fear of rejection.

53 comments

  1. That checklist you had? I ticked every one. I avoid those situations as far as [possible and when I have no choice but to go, worry about until it's over. I'm convinced that people will just see a fat, frumpy, boring person and do their best not to get stuck with me. I know it's illogical, but it's the way I am. Conferences where I know no one are my worst nightmare.

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    1. Jo - we're twins! I think that (I'll substitute awkwardly tall for fat) everything your inner voice is saying to you is what mine says to me. Yet I would assume you were super fun and friendly and everyone in the room would gravitate to you because you are so interesting. Our inner voices really need a kick in the butt don't they? And I won't go to anything (especially conferences) where I know nobody - I just can't do it...

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  2. Hello Leanne, another wonderful post. I can relate so well to what you're saying. I was a very shy little girl with no self-esteem and no self-confidence due to the fact that I grew up in a very abusive household. During my teens I grew comfortable talking to one or two people at a time but not in a group. I was petrified! One day when travelling I met a person who shared his passion for teaching French as a Second Language and that I should try it. The following week I met with the Director of a school, and I was hired. I went home and I couldn't believe what I had just done. It's like I was in a trance and the berating started. Who was I to teach large groups of students while I was only comfortable talking to a couple of people at a time, am I crazy, did I just accepted a job that I will not be able to do, and the berating went on and on. But i felt that i couldn't back out. The school had no substitute and I had given my word, so I went to the classroom in front of two different groups and I was petrified. My knees were shaking behind the desk where I stood all evening, and the sweat was pouring from my armpits to my hips. I thought that I was going to die but I kept on teaching three semesters and did it for thirty years. I am still very nervous talking to small groups and part of that fear is the fact that English is not my first language. In summary i felt the fear and did it anyway. I love the saying by Marcandangel and Unknown. I can't possibly imagine someone meeting you and not loving you. You're such a beautiful authentic and kind person. Thank you for your kind comment in your previous post. You give me hope to see another day. Hugs and you're A-Okay in my book.

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    1. Hi Yvonne - you continue to amaze me with your courage in so many areas! What an achievement to have tackled teaching and to have moved beyond the fear into a career! I know that I can "put on the mask" and do up front or social things if I have to, but I just find it so stressful. I'm not sure why I assume that people are thinking the worst, but it's so ingrained! Thank you for your kind words - and I hope that if you met me you'd find me to be someone worth chatting to - we could do coffee and neither of us would be under pressure to 'perform' :) xx

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  3. My hubby has huge social anxiety - he has Aspergers and struggles in all situations with large groups or even smaller groups of strangers. It's definitely shifted how we socialize and travel. Me? I've learned how to deal with groups (my career demanded it) and even tried on the social butterfly mode recently - it's work for sure to do that social engagement and I am beyond exhausted after! I much prefer small gatherings where I feel like I belong.

    I don't like crowds at all and that does impact our lifestyle - I'm not fond of most concert venues, most festivals, most travel, and many entertainment places. Even though we live less than 2 hours away from DisneyWorld, Universal Studios, and many other places like that, we have not been and have no plans to visit.

    I am going to check out those scales further. I do believe knowing yourself is important.

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    1. Hi Pat - I think I'm like you in that I can do 'social' if I have to, but I just don't really enjoy it. My husband is an introvert and crowds of chatty people aren't his thing either. As time has gone by we've tended to drift away from that type of social engagement, and that makes it doubly hard if I have to step up and mingle. Fortunately we don't get invited to many events these days and I'm grateful for that - others might feel left out, I just feel relieved! And I can understand why Disney and Universal aren't a big drawcard for you - they don't appeal to me at all.

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  4. I had the chance to go to a colleague's 60th birthday party this last weekend. I spent ages deciding on whether to go or not and decided not to. I feel I should be "living life" and partying but I just do not like parties any more. I prefer small groups of close friends or just being at home with my husband, cosy on the sofa with a good film! I thought of a previous post you had written, Leanne, when I declined the invitation.

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    1. Oh my goodness we could be twin souls! Everything you said resonated with me - and I totally understand why you'd decline the party invite. I have several dresses hanging in my closet that I'll never wear again because I can't imagine going anywhere "party-ish" to give them an outing - and that's perfectly fine with me! We'll both just enjoy sitting with our husbands and enjoying the peace and serenity. :0

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  5. I'm with both of you. For so long I felt like there was something really wrong with me. Added to the stress of social anxiety, I was married for thirty five years to someone who would tell me that nobody liked me and would literally pull me out of conversations and tell me I sounded silly. And I won't even mention the gaslighting. Fortunately, that marriage ended three years ago and I am now in the process of understanding what happened to me and how I lost myself for all those years. I'm still beating myself up for not seeing what was happening (or maybe I didn't want to?).I still have social anxiety but because I have met and befriended some wonderful women and I feel safe and accepted, I am getting braver about putting myself out there. Thank you Leeane and Jo for putting yourselves out there and discussing this.

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    1. Hi Valerie - I'm so sorry to hear about the stuff you were subject to for all those years of marriage - it would certainly have a major impact on your confidence and sociability. I know that being married to an introvert has made me less sociable - it's so much easier to stay home or to keep social interactions to a minimum - and maybe why blogging appeals to me so much - meeting people on my own terms! I'm so glad you've rediscovered life and have such a supportive group of friends (like the ones in the quote in my post) they make such a difference to our lives don't they? I want to smack that ex-husband of yours!

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  6. This sounds a lot like me as well. I am MUCH more comfortable with small groups of people. It's funny though because I'll be excited about a bit party or a wedding or some other event until the day or two before it arrives and then I start to wish we didn't have to go at all. I start stressing over what to wear and who I'll talk to or know there.

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    1. Jo I do exactly the same thing! Even with large family events where I'll know lots of people, it's still stressful making conversation for hours and talking over loud background noise - that's when the migraine kicks in afterwards! Give me a lovely quiet get-together any day and I'll be there with bells on!

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  7. Hi, Leanne - I have a very close friend who avoids anything that is even remotely 'too peopley." I've never seen that as a shortcoming or a negative in any way, just a personal preference. We all have things that inspire us and other things that we avoid. I believe that there usually is not a right or wrong here. As you wisely point out in this post, accepting who we are and not letting the opinions of others weigh us down in wonderfully liberating!

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    1. Hi Donna - I look at others socializing their little hearts out and I envy them - but it's just not me. I think I've assumed that if I tried hard enough I could be like them - but it's never going to happen and I'm happy to accept that now. I know it means missing out a little but I do like the expression "too peopley" because it sums it up so well. Give me the blogging world any day!

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  8. I, too, can relate to what you've written and can also tick many of the boxes on the worksheets. As a child, I was shy and although I can put a mask on, I find it very stressful and would rather avoid gatherings. Part of my problem is that I am quiet, so I often find myself being talked at rather than being part of a conversation, which I find annoying, but I’m too polite to say anything.

    Valerie, I think you should be proud of yourself for being brave and putting yourself out there, as it is not easy to do. I wish you luck in continuing to meet people who make you feel safe and accepted.

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    1. Hi Elizabeth - I come across as social, but fail dismally when put to the test! I just feel swamped by the noise and the pressure to make "interesting" conversation with people who are often too busy talking about stuff that doesn't interest them but not me. Putting my social face on for hours just wears me down and I think that's why I choose to say no to most invitations these days - and yes I think Valerie was amazing to have reinvented herself now she has a more supportive network around her.

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  9. Leanne, I like the last phrase you wrote in response to Joanne 's comment which is ''Give me a lovely quiet get-together any day and I'll be there with bells on!'. That description suits me perfectly. Also, as you stated in your reply to my comment meeting each other without the pressure to perform would be a great gift. Thank you for your kind comment and wonderful blog. Sunshine on a cloudy day! 😊

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    1. Hi Yvonne - I've come to the conclusion that I'm not anti-social - I'm just not comfortable in loud, noisy, large groups. I can force myself to 'perform' but that pressure is awful and it doesn't exist in those lovely quiet get-togethers. Thanks so much for reading and for being such an encouragement to me. x

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  10. Hi Leanne. I've had social anxiety my whole life, but like you, the 60's have been about some real soul searching for me. I am able to handle social situations a lot better than I used to. My social anxiety extends to not being able to perform in front of others, and I'm not just talking about on a stage. I get shaky when doing some simple tasks in front of people. It does help to admit these traits, and also to talk about them. Also, are we born shy, or is it something we become based on our upbringing? I was the only kid in our family that was shy. That has gotten a lot easier over the years, especially when I was teaching. I did have a hard time at the big meetings we had, once a month at my workplace. Traveling has helped with the social anxiety, and so has the wisdom that comes with being in my 60's. Great post! Sharing on FB. xx Christina Daggett

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    1. Hi Christina - I'm not sure if it's nature or nurture (or a combination of both?) but being shy is hard - you learn to cover it up more as an adult, but it's always there - the second guessing and self-doubt. I can perform when I need to, but I'm choosing to say no more often these days and enjoying my own company instead. My husband is an introvert, so he's relieved to not have to be too social as well. There is definitely big pluses in getting to 60 and realizing that you can do life on your own terms isn't there?

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  11. Hi Leanne, most people would see me as confident and outgoing but the reality is I'm not. Starting the Podcast was a challenge especially to be chatting to other women who I probably think are so much more capable and intelligent than me. I've always been one to stay back and especially if it is a large gathering I will probably be in the corner. I have improved but I would much rather a smaller gathering than trying to socialise in a larger group. I don't think you are alone at all in feeling this way. We do what is right for us that is the most important thing especially at this time of our life when each day really does matter. #WWandP

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    1. Hi Sue - I thought you were super brave starting your podcast and putting yourself out there + the FB live videos. It's interesting what we can do when we step up to a challenge isn't it? I think it's great to stretch ourselves and see whether we enjoy a new activity. Midlife has certainly tested me and I like that I've grown in a lot of areas, and as you said .... life is short, so it's up to us to figure out what we enjoy and spend more time doing that, rather than stressing ourselves out trying to fit into something we don't enjoy at all.

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  12. I can relate to a lot here Leanne. I do still worry too much what people think of me and I always assume the worst. I get exhausted when engaging with new people because I feel like I have to 'perform' in order for them to like me because the real me is too boring. I wouldn't say I'm afraid of large social events, it's more that I just don't like them anymore. I used to LOVE them when I was young! I loved noise then too (hate it now) - crowded nightclubs and parties etc. Nowadays, I prefer small social outings with a one on one outing with a known friend being my top choice. I'm so much more comfortable with people I already know and who know me and accept me as I am. I don't get so drained by these outings. However, I did join my art group social club and was not afraid to meet new people at that. It has a two hour time limit though and it isn't my responsibility to carry the conversation so I can be quiet if I want to (less pressure). I'm not shy so that helps. I do think there are some things about our personalities that have been with us always but also some things change and evolve as we get older. That certainly has been the case for me! xo

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    1. Hi Min - I remember when you went to the BUPA blogging events by yourself (flying there, ubering around, and attending - I thought that was massively brave on your part. I find those sorts of things beyond stressful and I'm so awkward when I'm trying to be sociable with lots of people I don't know - who I assume are all cleverer and more capable than I am. Joining new groups is a challenge, but easier if there's something to do (like your art or like my tai chi etc). What I really like about being older is that I can step up if I have to, but if it's not essential, then I can choose to not go or to leave early - things I may not have felt confident enough to do when I was younger (I'd have just sucked it up and been stressed and left with a headache!)

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  13. Hi Leanne, another very interesting and honest post from you, which I could relate to on some levels. I've found that I'm much more confident the older I get and don't mind walking into a room full of strangers if we're all there for the same reason, say a family/friend gathering/wedding. I usually enjoy the buzz and being a bit of a social butterfly but there are times when I'm simply not in the mood for it all. I can appreciate the differences in everyone's makeup and try not to overthink the situation or whether they like me or not but it's something that's taken quite some time to get to that point. We're all different and as you say no one way is right or wrong, I just try to be aware of both my thoughts and emotions and those of others around me. I prefer small groups of family and friends but have found my involvement in Rotary has helped push me out of some of my more awkward interactions. Great comments here from everyone too, love the honesty!

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    1. Hi Deb - Rotary for you is probably what church has been like for me - a large group of like-minded people where you know there'll be a few who you will become friendly with. I still enjoy weddings and other events where there's a special event to celebrate and where I'll know several people, but social events where I won't know many at all - or with people I don't have much in common with, just stress me out to the max and I've decided that I don't need to do that to myself anymore. It's not like I'm the 'main event' - the party will go along quite happily without me - and I won't end up with a headache the next day - win/win!

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  14. I am not a fan of big group things either - unless they're my group. Then I cram as many people into any activity as I can. I think it's okay to feel that way but still go anyway. Occasionally you have the best fun with new people. Or just turn the big social gatehring into a small one. Bowl up to the people on their own and start talkling....A friend was at an event with a lot of famous people and a female politician (or politician's wife - someone famous tho) came up to her and said "So what did you do with your day?" and my frened said it was such a lovely openner because 'what did you do?' would have made her feel small, and she, of course, knew what this person did...

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    1. Hi Lydia - I always assume you're super social because you're out and about so much. I definitely think that you're on the side of the scale that is stimulated by groups and outings - I'm on the other end where it just sucks me dry. I think leaving early will be my response to attending events that I feel I should be at, but I know will drain me. Showing up, talking, making an effort, and then leaving before I'm overwhelmed. You're right that it's good to make the effort occasionally - and for the rest of the time I'll stay home and enjoy the peace :)

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    2. I organise everything so it's always with 'my people'. If I'm invited to something, with random people, it's work....there's the trick in it. When I go away with book group, I need to steal off by myself for blocks of time - the being in the group constantly, especially if staying in the same house, is exhausting for me. #WeekendCoffeeShare

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  15. The vulnerability expressed here by you Leanne is so refreshing and honest. Look at how the post has opened up conversations for you. I am a mix of very sociable and sometimes not so. I exude social confidence and can talk to most people, but as I am ageing, I am learning to choose where I put my presence and energy. I think 'like minded' people and settings, for me that is education and schools and to a lesser extent head and neck cancer groups are OK for me. But I also know something I had to learn over and over in the worst of my temporary but very real anxious time in 2015-early 2017, is that avoidance might work initially but it is not something which helps reduce fear. Not at all. I know your husband would know of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and one of its strategies is 'exposure' therapy and I literally had to expose myself to what I was fearful about...travelling on M1, getting IBS away from home...and I did with hard work and encouragement otherwise I could never have made those many, many treks to Sydney to get my surgeries and treatments. It hasn't quite left me and I had a kind of flare going to see Dad for his 99th...but I got through it. I wish you well in what you may choose to do over time...(to change or to stay OK or to give it a different approach..it's what ever works for you!) Thank you for your post this week shared on Wednesday’s Words and Pics. I am grateful for your support. I hope to see you next week too. Denyse.

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    1. Hi Denyse - I've admired how you've used your life experiences to speak into the other people's lives. I think I've reached the point in my life where I've done the "up the front" stuff, and I've done parties, and events, and conferences - and I just really dislike doing them. I know I'm capable of putting on the mask and performing, but it's a strain and a drain for me, and I think part of living lightly this year is giving myself permission to admit that I dislike it so much.

      A friend of mine had a combined birthday party and asked me if I'd like to be invited because she knew I wasn't a fan of parties where I don't know most of the people. I graciously declined and she graciously accepted - that's my kind of friend :)

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  16. You post some great posts, Leanne.
    Hmm, where am I at with social gatherings? For me it depends a bit. Is it a gathering where I can hang back and just take it all in or do I have to actively participate? Did you visit Gary's coffee share last week? He talked about public speaking.
    Anyway, have a great Friday.

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    1. Hi Shari - I was better at large gatherings when I was younger, but I never really enjoyed them - just sucked it up and tried to find a few friendly faces to mingle with. It was always such a relief when it was all over and I could head home. Now I'm older and don't feel the need to "conform" as much as I did back then, I'm happy to decline an invitation and save myself the stress of attending. I know I might be missing out, but in balance, I'm happy with that.

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  17. This is a great post. I feel like most of these are similar with me too. I don't like large gatherings and specially when I am with a group of people that I don't know. I feel comfortable with a small group. But, I anyhow manage such experiences and events too. Thanks for sharing such a worth reading.
    #Weekendcoffeeshare

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    1. Hi Amila - I think we all manage to attend large gatherings, conferences etc if we need to, but as I'm getting older I'm just admitting to myself that I don't enjoy them. I find them quite stressful and am always grateful when it's time to leave. I think I'm at a point in life where parties have absolutely no appeal (unless it's a very close family member or friend) and where I don't need to attend events - give me peace and quiet any day. :)

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  18. I thought I'd commented but perhaps I just read this on my phone. I'm generally find with large gatherings as I think you can feel anonymous and stand out less. I'm not a fan of 'events' that are crowded and it's hard to get comfortable - like events in parks etc... I don't mind going to a concert and I'm okay at dinners etc... things where you get to sit.

    I'm fairly good at schmoosing and talking to anyone but I do find it really exhausting having to be 'on' and upbeat.

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    1. Hi Deb - I think being "fairly good at schmoosing" is an absolute gift - one I'm lacking in. I've just grown weary of pretending to be interested in people and places that don't resonate with me - and I'm terrible with talking over loud background noise. I think I've just become an old lady as I wrote that! :D

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  19. I like to blend in & not be noticed. I work with the public a few people at a time & that's my social life. Often times I find myself telling myself, I should have said this, I should have done that. If there is a large group of people event, we are usually in & out as quick as possible. Our Lions Club meetings & activities is a small gathering of people, so that is good. If there were lots of people, I couldn't do it. I'm ok blending in with crowds but not to a point that I'm talking & interacting with everyone. Karen #Weekendcoffeeshare

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    1. Hi Karen - you sound very much like me. I work in medical reception, so deal with people face to face but with very clear boundaries. I like when I know what to say and what to do.....that changes when the gathering becomes larger and full of people I don't know (or don't know well) I can feel the stress ratchet up immediately and I find that these days I can't be bothered trading off "putting in an appearance" with feeling so awkward. If I have to go to something, I'm often one of the first to leave.

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  20. I’m in phase 2 of life, too. The biggest thing I learned in phase 1 was to accept and love myself for who I am, with my flaws and imperfections. There’s no choice because we’ll never be who we aren’t. (The comments box won’t even let me select Google.)

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    1. The comments box can be a bit of a bother (particularly if you're using a Mac product) just sign off with your name like Karen did above you and that gives me the chance to be a bit more personal in my reply :) In regard to your Phase 1 of accepting yourself, it took until my 50's for that to begin to happen, so I feel a bit behind in that area - but it's never too late.....and yes, I'll never be a social butterfly and I'm finally okay with that. Thanks for commenting even with Google being difficult!

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  21. Hi Leanne, I think it's important to build a strong support network with people who care about us as we age. How we do it, whether one on one, small groups or large gatherings is a personal choice. Take the approach that works for you. From my volunteer work with seniors, I've seen that those who have caring friends or neighbours, even with just a few (because sadly their spouses and some of their friends die), are the happiest seniors. Thank you for your weekend coffee share.

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    1. Hi Natalie - I think you're right about having a network of people who care about you. I always envy those who enjoy social gatherings - the ones who will be at the community centre celebrating any event in the retirement home come to mind! I'll be quietly drinking coffee with a neighbour or two - or maybe joining in with a class doing something I enjoy - and that will be all I need as I get older I'm sure.

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  22. Hi Leanne,
    One of the things I love about blogging is you connect with people from all walks and quite different to yourself and you gain an insight into what makes them tick at least a little bit.
    I am an unapologetic extrovert. Love talking to strangers and big social gatherings. Yippee! However, many of my close friends are introverts and can't deal with large groups, which became quite problematic with my birthday last year. My friend and I have birthdays gether and decided to have a joint party but our needs were polar opposite and I've been so repressed with lockdown and isolating and I wanted to cram the world into that party. She really wanted to only have a few people. We made a compromise and I feel like I missed out. This year, I'm doing my own thing and swinging from the chandelier!
    One suggestion I have for surviving in larger social events and parties is to chat to a couple of people and find a quiet corner somewhere and ignore the rest. Allow yourself to have some downtime to recalibrate afterwards and allow yourself to recover from the sensory onslaught.
    Hope that helps.
    Best wishes,
    Rowena

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    1. Hi Rowena - you're one of those people who I envy! I'd love to want to have a party like you describe......any (like your friend) I couldn't think of anything more stressful or horrible! For my 50th I threw a small party and made sure every single person knew every other single person - then I didn't feel like I had to help anyone mingle. One of my other (uninvited) friends told me she loves going to parties and meeting new people - I have no comprehension of that! I hope you share some photos of you swinging from the chandelier when your birthday rolls around - I'll celebrate with you from afar - and we'll both have enjoyed ourselves!

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  23. Being an introvert with a thing called avoidant personality disorder - which is like a more severe form of social anxiety - I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. It's okay not to like large social gatherings, they're certainly not for everyone, and it's great that you have found the courage to face your fears, but also don't feel the pressure to force yourself to like something you simply don't. :)

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    1. Emisha I think I've finally found the courage to say "no I don't want to come, but thanks for asking" and it's taken so much pressure off. Before I'd feel obligated to attend because someone had been nice enough to invite me, now I realize that my presence makes very little difference, so unless I'd love to be there, I'll be at home in my pj's wishing them the very best from a distance. :)

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  24. Hi friend!! Wonder if 2 introverts with slight social anxiety like us could enjoy being together for a very casual lunch? I would like to think so but who knows? I can get worked up over the simplest things and find excuses to not attend or to postpone or to go and leave very early!! Going to take the surveys you linked to and see what they tell me. I don't know that my social anxiety and introvertedness - is there such a thing?? - is based on a fear of not being accepted, a fear of being criticized or found lacking. I guess it is, to some degree. But I just do the darnedest things, say the darnedest things when I am uncomfortable in social situation. And I just think to myself why go there? Why subject myself to that?

    Just finished listening to I'm Sorry I'm Late, I Didn't Want to Come. That's me in a nutshell, in the title of a book!! Ha!! Want to write my thoughts on the book and my own insecurities in a blog post later this week. I hope. XO

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    1. Hi Leslie - I have that book title on a tee-shirt (and I have to be careful where I wear it so I don't offend people!) It always gives my fellow introverts a smile though. I have a real fear of being found wanting - not enough - when I attend a large gathering. I feel like I don't have the skills to be interesting enough for people to want to engage with me...and I even struggle one to one if I don't know somebody well.

      I met up with a fellow blogger several years ago (one to one) for a coffee and she is gorgeous with a blog about travel, fashion etc. I worried so much about what to wear and whether she'd find me boring. She was just lovely and we have a great chat, but man I agonized over it before I went! I think we'd be fine for a lunch date - we're both aware of our insecurities and would probably laugh at them!

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  25. I related to quite a lot of this post. I love hanging out with people in small groups--even if the group includes someone I don't know--but I hate big groups where I don't know very many people. I tend to latch onto the people I do know, and then I worry I'm being a pest to them. Sigh. Like you said, it's embarrassing to be this age and still feel that way.

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    1. Hi Janet - you sound the same as me....fine in smaller comfortable groups, and constantly worried about being uninteresting or clingy in bigger groups! I'd love to have this mastered, but I think it's just who I am, and not going is easier than faking it and having a headache the next day!

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  26. This definitely resonates with me! I dread situations like a wedding or a birthday party where I may not know many people. I'm usually fine with smaller groups but the idea of having to "project" in large groups I find terrifying.

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    1. I think the idea of "performing" really resonated with me Gail because that's what I feel like I'm doing - all that projecting and play acting is so stressful and that's where the headache comes from - and then dealing with a migraine for the rest of the evening and the next day. It's got to be a pretty important occasion for me to risk that!

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