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HOW DO WE GO ABOUT AGING WELL?
A fellow blogger asked the question recently - "How old is too old?" and it got me thinking about whether age is to do with the number of
years we've lived, or whether it's to do with how we go about living the
years we've been allocated.
Are we aging well? And how do we go about intentionally aging with grace? I
came up with three choices that I hope are helping me to age well into the
years ahead....
1. CHOOSE WHAT YOU FOCUS ON
I've been reading an excellent book by John Mark Comer and in it he talks
about the people we are becoming as we grow older. I regularly encounter
people in their 80's and I've seen exactly what he describes in the quote
below:
I know which 80 year old I want to be, and I know that if I want to grow
into that person, I need to make focused choices about what I set my mind
on, the attitudes I choose, and how I handle successes, failures, and pain.
Life will never be perfect, there are so many random factors that we have no
control over..... but, we do get to choose our response and what we give our
attention to.
2. CHOOSE TO BE INTERESTED IN OTHERS
A lot of older people say they
feel invisible. It's the catch cry of the middle aged woman, and I think that's because
those women are still thinking like 30 year olds. They still base their
visibility on their looks, or their career, or how "interesting" they are.
As we age, those markers become less valid, they need to be replaced with
deeper character traits that come from the inside, rather than the
external. We can move from being self-focused into becoming more
others-centric.
We can choose to surround ourselves with positive, supportive people who
we we can depend on to give us helpful advice and feedback. We can also
switch our focus from being "interesting" to be "interested" and place
importance on building into relationships, towards encouraging others,
being a person who speaks positivity into the lives of those around us. I
want to be the wife, mother, and grandmother who cheers my family on and
always has something good to say to them, and about them. I also want to
be that person for my friends too, and while I'm at it.... I hope I can
add a little positivity to every person I encounter throughout my
week.
3. CHOOSE TO KEEP PROGRESSING
We humans are designed to keep growing and changing - and (hopefully)
progressing. Another great quote from the book I'm reading says:
To be human is to change, constantly. We grow, evolve, fall apart, and come back together. We can’t help it; the nature of the human soul is dynamic, not static. It’s why we show awkward teenager photos at weddings and wedding photos at funerals—we’re all fascinated by this process of change.
So the question isn’t, Are you being formed? It’s, Who or what are you being formed into?
John Mark Comer
I think this is part of why I chose "Equanimity" as my Word of the Year - it reminds me that everything changes, but we
can sink down into an inner strength and certainty that we develop over the
years, while still being open to learning new things, being flexible,
maturing, and becoming wise. We don't get there by digging our heels in and
thinking we know it all - I hope I keep living and learning right up until
the very end.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Do you have any other suggestions for how we can age gracefully? Is there
a point where "old is too old"? Can we change the way our ageist society
views those of us in the final third of life?
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Hi Leanne, Comer’s quote gave me goosebumps…”Being formed.” I have lately read more about ‘feeling invisible," pros and cons to feeling invisible. I extra love your sentence about focusing on being “interested” versus “interesting.” I enjoy and learn something new from all of your posts, Leanne. I am bookmarking this one to reread and soak in. Have a wonderful week! xx Erica
ReplyDeleteHi Erica - I really enjoyed writing this post because it reminded me of what I'm doing my best to shape myself into as I get older. I REALLY want to be that lovely 80 year old woman and be the "wise woman" - not the grumpy old woman that people avoid like the plague! It feels like I'm constantly reminding myself of the "better me" I'm capable of being - I'm hoping it becomes my default setting as time goes by. Thanks again for your encouraging words - you are always a shining light xx
DeleteHi Leanne,
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post! Can you share the name of the book? Thanks so much!
Hi - the book is called "Practicing the Way" he has a fantastic podcast series called John Mark Comer Teachings, and a lot of other books ("The Ruthless Elimination Of Hurry" and "Live No Lies") and heaps on Youtube. He's a Christian and a very smart guy when it comes to seeing what our world is doing to us and how to step back from it and become better human beings.
DeleteI’ve had a front row seat of seeing my parents age gracefully. They have goals, projects and purpose. They look 5-10years younger and are still incredibly generous with their time and resources.
ReplyDeleteMy in-laws have purpose and passions as well. It’s so fantastic to see and it’s not about their world but how they can help those around them using their strengths.
I feel so grateful for these role models!
Hi Mika - you're so blessed to have two sets of great examples. I've been reading "The Second Mountain" by David Brooks and he believes that the second half of life is all about contributing towards helping others. It's such a challenge to not only become our best selves, but to then do something positive with what we've learnt. And I do think that having positivity and purpose in your life keeps you younger at heart, and physically too. :)
DeleteHi Leanne - I think you have all the important points. I guess as we age we have to ensure that we are active on four fronts -- physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. In old age, since we don't have as many commitments as we had during our younger days, we all tend to be lax on a few or all of those four aspects. Instead, it is important that all four them are kept active. That, I guess, should take care our ageing to a great extent.
ReplyDeleteHi Pradeep - those four are excellent fronts to work on. We need balance if we want to age well - there's no point having a great body if you're a nasty person, or to be a spiritual giant if you're an emotional mess. It's tricky getting it right - but so worthwhile when we do. :)
DeleteI'm with you Leanne, the 80 year old people want to be around is my goal too. Just keep going the way you are as you seem to have it sorted! Being interested in people and what's going on is very important I think. That book sounds great! Thanks for another thougt provoking post :)
ReplyDeleteHi Deb - I'm working on the idea of seeing how others are doing old-er age, and figuring out who I want to be and who I don't want to be by their examples. It really comes down to setting a trajectory that takes you to the right end of the bell curve - and pulling yourself up when you start deviating too far from that. I've also noticed that looking back with resentment on life events that can't be changed is also a ticket to regret and misery - so that's definitely a no-no for me! :)
DeleteGreat topic and great points! I don't think you are ever too old to stop growing and changing and working on ourselves. I had really great role models with my grandmothers who all took up new activities, made new friends, and kept right on going until the very end.
ReplyDeleteI want to be one of those grandmothers Jo - someone my grandgirls (and daughter and DIL) look at and think "yes - she's doing old age well". Getting older can be hard, but there are a lot of positives to it if we look for them, and being a person other people want to be around makes all the difference to warding off a lonely old age.
DeleteThe Serenity Prayer comes to mind: Grant me the Serenity, to accept the things I can not change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference. Ageing is inevitable - we get old or we get dead. I'm witnessing the ageing process with all its vagaries as I tend to my 91 yr old mom. This was a woman who was active, intelligent, an active member of her community & now submitted to cognitive & physical decline at the mercy of those who care for her. All that said, I believe we have control of our personal growth in all its realms up to a point, then nature takes over. i can't believe for one moment that this is how my mom would have chosen to live. It does give me resolve to live well. I'm challenged every day to BE a better person, not just DO on her behalf.
ReplyDeleteHi Mona - I'm so sorry for your mum's end days not being all she'd have wanted them to be. I think we all dread that our final years will be affected by a rapid decline.... all the more reason to live life well and to appreciate every single little bit of physical and mental health we have. I'm noticing that the more we focus on the things that we didn't have or that we missed out on (then and now) the more ungrateful and miserable we become, and the more we appreciate all the good in our lives, the happier we are. I also see dementia affect people differently - it seems to take away the filters, so I hope that I create myself into someone who won't be "ugly" when those filters start to fall apart....
DeleteI could not agree more with your desire "I hope I keep living and learning right up until the very end." The learning is the key
ReplyDeleteHi Judith - it's about staying interested and engaged with life isn't it? We don't have to be mental giants, but we can be caring, alert, and connected with the world around us.
DeleteHi, Leanne - I love the John Mark Comer quote. It's so very, very true! Thank you for another thought-provoking post.
ReplyDeleteHi Donna - it was excellent wasn't it? It's going to be something that sticks in the back of my mind for the rest of my life. I'm going to be making sure I'm at the happy end of the bell curve by the time I'm 80 :)
DeleteLeanne, Oh yeah, learning that I can choose how I respond and not just allow my conditioned response to happen - that is something I am working on big time. Other things I think about aging well for me are to stay active and stay connected. I thought your example of your mum vs MIL was so powerful! Thanks for sharing that real-life experience.
ReplyDeleteHi Pat - being engaged and active are hugely on the side of aging well - my mum is very social and also makes sure she's out and about for a stroll with her little dog (or a ride on her mobility scooter) every day - she loves the fresh air and sunsets over water. My MIL sits in her house and complains that nobody visits her - while being snarky to those who do! It's a no-brainer as to who I want to be when I grow up! :D
DeleteOh my, yes. Ageing (and living) is all about what you put into it "not what you get from it". I think though, that we cannot be too critical of others ( it is something for which I am a Work In Progress) as we do not always know what they are going through. My mum died aged 82. And she had been unwell with a number of conditions (later found to be secondary brain tumours) since she celebrated 80. Mum did not sit about feeling sorry for herself but she was incredibly fearful of doctors and hospitals. Dad, her only carer, found it incredibly wearing to care for her well in her last weeks. So, I think about her life, which she led with great vigour and an open heart and was sporty and sociable but she was scared. I do think, at times, that I am only 7 years away from Mum's age...and then I remember who I take after...that centenarian. HA! To be honest it's the loss of independence I would (and do) dread and that in the last months for Dad was very very hard on him. Sorry, almost a blog post!! Great work here Leanne.
ReplyDeleteHi Denyse - I think we look to our parents (and in-laws) and get a glimpse of our potential old age. We excuse a lot of poor behaviour based on them becoming less well physically, and I do wonder about verbal filters becoming less firm.... Despite that, I really do believe that we become what we invest our time and attention into, if we focus on being selfish or entitled or needy, then we become resentful and miserable as we age. In contrast, if we focus on all the good we have in our lives, give back to those who love us, focus outwards, and do our best to be kind, then we reap the fruit of that. I'm aiming to be on the positive side of the bell curve by the time I'm 80 :)
DeleteThose are excellent choices that are no doubt helping you to age well, Leanne, and to be the kind of person that others enjoy being around at any age. I was blessed to have a mother and mother-in-law that loved life and were kind to others until their final days. I have known a few people that have gone the other way though.
ReplyDeleteHi Christie - I thought I had a mother and MIL who were both good examples of aging well, but they've each slowly moved to opposite ends of the bell curve - and shown me that it's so important to be intentional about our life choices so that we end up on the positive end and not the negative, sour end!
DeleteHello Leanne - I have been commenting on your posts but I don't see my comments. Anybody else is having that issue? Thank you so much for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHi Yvonne - I'm sorry that your comments haven't been coming through (I've missed you!) if you're using an Iphone or Ipad that can happen. If you open my posts with Chrome then your comments should stick (Google and Mac products don't play nicely together) - or you can always reply in the email that comes through xx
DeleteWise words. I especially like the idea that we should keep progressing. That can make such a difference as to whether someone thrives or wallows in misery in their senior season of life. My mom did so many things when she moved into their assisted living complex - exercise, Bingo, Bridge, welcomed newcomers, read, kept up with her 3 children, 5 grands, and at that time 4 great grands. She kept up with her finances, the stock market and politics. But when her vision began failing, all of that become impossible to do. She couldn't even see to watch TV or to dial the phone to call us. I hope to continue to do what I can to stay healthy and strong and involved in life. And progressing or moving forward, learning, trying new things, experiences, reading, writing are all such great ways to do that.
ReplyDeleteHi Leslie - I think that's part of appreciating Midlife - enjoying what we have, while we still have it. Losing our sight would be a really hard life change to deal with - so much depends on being able to read or to look at a screen. Same with walking and driving and being independent. We slowly lose a lot of the things we take for granted, so it's up to us to make the most of them while we still have them :)
DeleteI know how I want to age - gracefully like my blind 97 year old mother who is the "darling" of her nursing home with her gratitude and smile. I think this post is very thoughtful and well written and good food for thought about living our values and not being shaped by what society thinks we should be at this age. Bernie
ReplyDeleteHi Bernie - I want to be the "darling" of my family and the nursing home (or the neighbourhood) when I'm in my 90's too. My MIL has lost most of her sight and is the exact opposite - we can't choose what happens to us as we physically age, but we can choose our response and attitude - I want to be your mother (not my MIL!) :)
DeleteThis is so true, Leanne - our choice matters! I hope that I can be a happy and fulfilled 70, 80 year old! I'm sure you will be too.
ReplyDeleteI hope we both will be too Corinne - I think if we take the time to work on ourselves now and deal with the flaws we see, we stand a much better chance of being kinder and nicer old people than those who believe they know everything and have to always have things their way. Gratitude and empathy are definitely keys to aging gracefully.
Delete