LOOKING BACK AT A YEAR OF EQUANIMITY
I chose
Equanimity
as my Word of the Year for 2024 to remind myself to be less impacted by the
world around me and more centered and grounded within myself. It turned out
to be a good choice because I had a few glitches in my Matrix during the
year that made me question my loyalty and commitment to who and what I
thought was important in my life.
Nothing too big or upsetting, but little upheavals that were determined to
undermine my sense of calmness and surety. I find it really interesting how choosing a Word for the Year plays out over time and how it's often been really
helpful in guiding my thoughts and responses.
THE FIRST UPHEAVAL
The first upheaval was a bit of an ongoing one where I was feeling
out of kilter and out of sorts
with a particular group of people who I'd been committed to for the last 15
years. I tried many ways to deal with the situation from short term
absences, to discussing what I was struggling with, to giving myself stern
talking to's, and eventually reaching the point where I realized that it's
"not them, it's me". If I'm unhappy, but the rest of the group is content
with the status quo, then it's time to make a change.
That change happened around the middle of the year, and I've felt a lot
more settled and at peace since we moved on and found a new congregation to
be part of. Life's too short to spend it compromising your values and your
heart - when you know it's time, you just have to be brave enough to to call
it and to quietly leave and start again.
THE SECOND UPHEAVAL
During this time of unrest and unhappiness, I had a family member make (yet
another) judgemental and critical comment while they were in my home,
sitting at my dinner table. I'm not sure if my tolerance levels were down a
little, or whether it was the straw that broke the camel's back, but it
certainly upset me and made me realize that I don't have to put up with poor
behaviour from others - family, friends, or even acquaintances. I get to
choose who I allow into my world and who, literally and figuratively, gets a
seat at my table - and this person just gave up their seat.
It's
unsettling to be at odds with someone
- especially when the other person sees no fault in their words or actions.
Do we hold our ground? Do we try to explain? Do we just ghost quietly away?
It was eating at my heart and at my inner peace for what seemed like a long
time because I wanted resolution and an apology. But, as the Robert Brault
quote I read long ago says "life becomes easier when you accept the apology
you never got". It's been a good lesson for me on how to be more
self-differentiated, to know that who I am and what I'm worth isn't based on
what someone else believes, and to be able to forgive without receiving the
apology that I deserved.
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UPHEAVALS AND EQUANIMITY
Remembering my focus on equanimity, inner peace, and not being so tossed
about by outside events has been a great tool in dealing with life when it
hasn't gone quite as smoothly as I'd hoped. I also know that life isn't a
constant gentle mill pond, it's an ocean full of waves and surges - smooth
seas one day and squalls the next. How we respond to the challenges says a
lot about our maturity and character, and I want mine to come from a strong,
grounded centre - an inner safe harbour.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Did you have a Word of the Year for 2024? Did it challenge you or inspire
you? If you didn't, is there a different way you set yourself up for the
year ahead?
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I think maybe your "give-a-dang" busted! Mine died a few years ago.
ReplyDeleteThat made me kind of snort/smile - because I think you're right! I really have let go of the people-pleasing default setting.....I still want everyone to be happy and to like me, but I realize that's pretty ridiculous really and I'm okay with being happy in my own little space - it's a much less stressful way to live :)
DeleteMy word was build & to an extent I think I've been living it most of the year...
ReplyDeleteYes - building your books, building your new work-from-home life, building your new "identity" as an author first and the rest second. :) Go you!
DeleteThis is a very insightful and inspiring post, Leanne. Extremely glad to see how you managed to navigate life's upheavals while staying grounded in your values and beliefs.
ReplyDeleteDealing with difficult relationships is indeed a challenge. Our well-being is most important and for that necessary changes have to be made.
I am eagerly waiting to see what you've chosen as your Word of the Year for 2025.
Hi Pradeep - sometimes it still surprises me that there are people and situations that need to be worked on. You'd think after 60+ years I'd have it all figured out, but life is a continuing journey and I'm finding that I still have to step up at times and tackle the things that aren't healthy . I think the second half of life is all about refining and smoothing off those rough, irritating edges so that we can enjoy more of the good stuff. And I think I've settled on 2025's WOTY - so stay tuned for January!
DeleteHi Leanne. This year has definitely had it's ups and downs, for me. Writing my morning pages, and in my "glimmers", journal, has brought me to a place of peace and contentment. I finally realized that how we were being treated had nothing to do with us, and everything to do with other people's inner struggles. I forgive them, and I will love and pray for them, every day, but I will no longer, take on their behaviors as something I caused. I am so happy that you are in this place of equanimity, as well. Thank you for all your inspiring and comforting words, this year. ♥️ Christina Daggett
ReplyDeleteHi Christina - I think it takes an enormous amount of self-understanding to be able to allow others to make their choices and to not take ownership of them. Our hearts can still hurt, but it's not on us to carry all the baggage that others try to lay on our shoulders. I'm finding much the same outcomes as you're choosing - where it's in the other person's court - they can reach out at any time for reconciliation, but if they don't see the need then I can cheerfully get on with my own life with peace in my heart. Sometimes we need those tough decisions to be able to find our centeredness. x
DeleteLeanne, these past years has been difficult for me. My Beloved passed away two years ago yesterday and the previous November my best friend passed away and then prior to her I lost my younger brother and then another best friend. It has been difficult to navigate life with so many important losses. Now I am going through what is called Complicated Grief. Not to mention health issues and now Christmas. I loved Christmas but now I see it as a chore and I have no energy left. I wonder if you could have a post about how you celebrate Christmas and what it means to you. Just want to gain a different perspective and not feel guilty about not spending weeks decorating like I used to do. Hard to let go of old habits. On a more positive note, the sun is back after months of not seeing it and I contacted a cousin whom I didn't see or heard from in years. I was nervous and apprehensive but he was very happy that I called and we talked for hours on the phone. I still strive to find glimmers here and there. My goal is to be kind with myself as I don't have difficulty being kind to others. I have to learn to extend that kindness and compassion to myself. Thank you for another great post and glad to hear that you are progressing on your journey and setting healthy boundaries. It's a must. Take care!
ReplyDeleteHi Yvonne - you've had such a tough few years and I totally understand how your heart would still be so broken and weary. I think people who haven't known true sorrow expect that it will go away with time, but I think the deeper the love, the longer you carry the grief with you. Have you read Ullie-Kaye's poetry? I've shared some of them here on the blog, but she also writes a lot from grief and has a Facebook page where she shares them (https://www.facebook.com/UllieKaye) and has recently published a book that I think would resonate with you.
DeleteAs far as Christmas goes, I've had to wrestle with that occasion many times since my kids left home. They're both very independent and very focused on their own families (as they should be) and it's been hard to get the balance right - I want the "Brady Bunch Christmas" according to my kids, and they want to just slot us in sometime around then and tick the box. I've come back to the real 'reason for the season' that it's about God's love for us, about warmth and love - not about presents and huge decorating splurges. I have a post scheduled for next week on our Christmas - but my advice would be to do Christmas on your own terms - small and special. If you type 'Christmas' into the search bar on my blog you'll find what I've written about it previously - and perhaps this one will resonate (https://www.crestingthehill.com.au/2016/12/midlife-monday-re-defining-christmas.html)
Be kind to yourself and allow yourself the grace to grieve and also to find those moments of joy in the midst of it all - the more you look for them, the more you find them. xx
Wow, Leanne. It's helpful to look back at the WOTY to see how it served. In the search for my notes on my 2024 WOTY, I came across quotes from you. "I try to share myself wholly with the people who are around me now while keeping one door open for fresh faces to show up." So true, if you want to understand the end it's important to look at the beginning. My WOTY was resolve - to reach a firm decision about certain situations in my life & to demonstrate resoluteness in my subsequent actions. I've had to practice this in my relationships with friends & family & most significantly, journeying with my aged mother in the final 6 months of her life. It called for much resolve. And a little like Willie Nelson, don't apologize & don't explain. I do believe there's a place for apology. I try to act & speak in a way that I don't have to apologize. I refuse to apologize for who I am at my core. I know I'm a bit of a lone wolf, often standing alone in my resolve & most importantly, in my actions. And I'm ok with that.
ReplyDeleteHi Mona - I love that word "resolve" and I think it definitely comes into play when we start setting boundaries around ourselves with difficult and demanding people. I've reached the stage where I just won't keep pacifying and playing small with people who use that to their own advantage. I also expect that older people should be full of grace and wisdom - but that isn't always the case. So I'm wary around those who don't apologize and who rely on the goodwill of others to maintain their sense of worth. I don't expect them to change anymore (fat chance!) but I have (finally!) found that resolve of yours and been able to step back and hold my ground - it does wonders for building equanimity!
DeleteI really do find that a WOTY gives me a starting point for how I want to tackle my approach to the year - it's flexible, but also gives me a bit of impetus here and there - and looking back shows me how it plays out. I've chosen a really nice word for 2025 - I think I'm due for a bit more joy in the year ahead!
Leanne, I liked the phrase "glitches in my Matrix" and totally related to it. But then you said "life ...it's an ocean full of waves and surges" and thought, h-ll yeah! My WOTY was not chosen by me but seemed to simply occur and it was Acceptance. I was looking back on my blogs of the year in preparation for an end of year post, and remembered this WOTY simple happening. And oh-boy, do I need it now. I'm leaning toward Patience for 2025 if I do choose a WOTY. I'm looking forward to hearing yours - which will be in a very different place than me, but fascinating I'm sure. How are you going to "top" equanimity!?!
ReplyDeleteHi Pat - yes waves and surges would be giving you flash backs I'm sure! And Acceptance is kind of an understatement for all you've been dealing with....but also such an apt word because you can't change what's happened, you can only accept it and then go forward with resolve (Mona's WOTY above you!) and definitely patience with the process.
DeleteI am so very impressed with how you and your husband are dealing with all of this nightmare - I know you'll come out the other side, but in the meantime you're wading through it with dignity and grace - keep being kind to yourselves and I hope 2025 brings with it a lot of sunshine and rebirth. xx I'm aiming for positivity and joy for next year and a WOTY to reflect that. :)
A great summary of your year of equanimity Leanne. Your words 'I also know that life isn't a constant gentle mill pond, it's an ocean full of waves and surges - smooth seas one day and squalls the next', ring true to me! My word has been Thrive and I've tried hard to choose to thrive despite what life has thrown at me. I'm working on my word for 2025 at the moment. A great post!
ReplyDeleteHi Deb - I've been tossing around several words for 2025 and think I've narrowed it down to one that reflects how I want the year to be. You always choose such upbeat and inspiring words - but I can see that they'd be a challenge to live up to when life throws a curveball or two at you. I still believe that having a Word gives me some guidance and that it comes from a place of knowing what needs to be focused on - it prompts me to keep growing (and thriving!) x
DeleteLoved reading about your WOTY for last year and how you navigated through the year. Glad you found a new congregation where you can be happier....Looking forward to hearing what you chose for your WOTY for 2025...I just posted mine...I hope you are enjoying your weekend!!
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Deb
Debbie-Dabble Blog
Thanks Debbie - it was a gentler word, and maybe a "deeper" one than I normally choose - but it was a great reminder to stay true to my beliefs and values as I navigated that messy church problem and a difficult family member. I'm often surprised by how my WOTY steers me so well.
Delete