LIFE ISN'T ALWAYS A BOWL OF CHERRIES
At the beginning of last year I wrote a post about
my struggles with an area of my life
that had been so important to me for decades, and had devolved into
disappointment after disappointment. I had reached the end of my tether, and decided to step back and wait for
changes that were in the wind to occur.
Six months later I returned to see if things were on the upward ascent, and
now, a further six months down the track, I find myself almost back
where I was last January.....
WHAT CAUSES US DISAPPOINTMENT?
This has been a real issue for me because I have always seen myself as an
upbeat, resilient person who could roll with the punches and find the silver
lining. I've discussed why my heart keeps breaking and why I feel so gutted by it all with my husband and a few close friends, and I
thought I'd cover a few thoughts that have come from all of this that I've
found helpful as I navigate these uncharted waters. Maybe they'll help someone else too.
I don't want to go into details, but this hinges around me being deeply discouraged over an organization that I have invested myself into heart and
soul since my teens. It hasn't always been perfect, but those who steer it are
usually aiming to give it their best and to try for a degree of excellence -
but those goals seem to have been lost in the last few years and things feel
a little "half-baked"....just dull, uninteresting, uninvested, and generally
ho-hum.
SO WHAT DO OTHERS SAY?
My husband (the now-retired-family-counsellor) tells me that my
expectations are too high. He says he's under impressed too, but not to the
point I'm at. He thinks I want too much and expect things to be more
'perfect' than those in leadership are prepared to offer. I thought about
this, but I don't think it's the case.....my expectations feel like they've
been quietly beaten down to the bare minimum over the years, and I see them
as being fairly small... although I do know how things were and I'm struggling with why they can't be that way again, so I guess there is a degree of my expectations not being met.
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| via Doe Zantamata |
My sister-in-law (a very pragmatic woman) said that as we get older our
tolerance levels decrease, and what we would have ignored or weathered,
impacts us more these days. She thinks that the prevalence of grumpy old men
and women is due to people trying to put up with things that annoy them -
and failing miserably in the process. Well, that's a wake-up call because I
certainly don't want to join the grumpy old woman brigade just yet!
Another friend says that she thinks I've glued myself back together from last January's fallout, but maybe the "glue" hadn't had enough time to "stick"
properly and the cracks are starting to appear again when the same issues
arise. I think there's a lot of truth in this - it's what triggers are all
about isn't it?
WHAT DO I THINK?
Taking all those wise words onboard, I've come to the conclusion that,
rather than my expectations taking a hit, it's my hopes that have been
thwarted. I came back with the hope that things would change, that we'd
return to better days, that the heart would come back .....and I guess that's
a big ask in only six months. Organizations don't change overnight, they
take time to regain their feet, to find balance, to get the mix
right.
FINDING EQUANIMITY
I think choosing Equanimity as my Word of the Year was subconsciously
driven by events like this. It's taken me decades to realize I can't control
everything, that I can't prevent disappointments, that I can't run the show
and make everything perfect. I need to learn to step back and let things be
as they will be. To know my limits and boundaries and be respectful of those
lines in the sand, and to step back when I need to breathe, or when I'm
becoming too judgemental, or (heaven forbid!) too grumpy.
Finding generosity of spirit when you're in a dry place is so difficult, but it's possible. I think we're all capable of it if we want to put in the work. Giving up is easy, walking away is the simplest solution, but perservering, being patient with the process, extendinging grace to myself and to others - these are more difficult, but I think they'll be more worthwhile. I believe hope can be rebuilt with time and tenderness. I'm also extremely grateful for those who have listened and walked through this with me, and I know that I can still live life well - even if things around me aren't perfect.
I really like this advice from Rebranding Middle-Age:
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Have you had disappointments with how you expected something in your life
to work out? Did you find your way through, or did you walk away? Is a
support network the key or can you do it alone?
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Very thoughtful post, Leanne. I could imagine some of it for myself too. It can feel almost personal when an organisation or similar stops being what we thought and hoped for. I don't have specific ones I can comment on, and for the purposes of privacy I wouldn't anyway, but I know my "high" levels of behaviour and expectations are not always held by others. What I do, is understand this for myself and be pleased I can be aware of where I stand values-wise. And then, sadly but definitely I let that place/organisation go. I have to otherwise my inner health is affected and I need to care for me first. I hope you too find time and writing about it here helps you to 'heal' . Sending my best to you. Denyse
ReplyDeleteHi Denyse - writing about it certainly helps me order things in my head more and to figure out 'where to from here'. Disappointment and let downs are still a part of life no matter how old we get - I keep expecting that the world will be as I think it should be (silly me!) And yes, the expectations that others would carry out tasks with the same commitment and dedication that we do is a big one.
DeleteFor now, I'm stepping back (again) while I rally myself and decide whether it still needs more time, or whether to give up and fill my cup in a different way. Healing is a long and winding path! x
I'm sorry to hear you are in your current 'place' Leanne as it would be disappointing knowing that you had come through your other events and were looking forward to a happy retirement. I think that we can set high expectations and your sister-in-law is right. I believe our tolerance level isn't as high as we age and we don't want to put up with something that no longer brings us joy. Letting go may not be an option you want to take but if something is robbing you of joy or not filling your bucket you might need to step back and reassess. Take care xx
ReplyDeleteHi Sue - you're absolutely right (wise woman that you are) that being drained by something that should be refreshing us is not a healthy place to be. I honestly thought that a change in leadership would wave a magic wand and smooth the waters, but I've come to see that it all takes time, and I'm not sure that I have the patience anymore to put up with things that are done poorly repeatedly.....
DeleteStepping back again is my current short term plan, but stepping away may be my only choice in the long run if things continue to be 'half-baked' - sad but necessary. xx
I understand this so well, Leanne. I too was involved with an organization from my teens - was one of the founders. When I was out of town for a few years, I did all I can from afar to encourage and sustain the people running it. When I moved back I threw myself into it - but found that not only had the culture changed, but there was so many things that were not right ethically and otherwise. I attempted to bring that to the notice of the leadership who felt threatened and insecure. Eventually, I had to walk away. I hope your story has a better ending than mine though. ♥
ReplyDeleteHi Corinne - you said it in three words..."the culture changed" and that's what it feels like for me where I'm at right now. It's not what it was, it's not what it needs to be, and I feel like the voice crying in the wilderness. I'm thinking if it's just me then it's time to join the quiet exodus and look elsewhere - which would be a very sad way for things to end. I keep hoping for a different outcome, but that's looking very shaky at the time being....
DeleteLeanne, you obviously have a lot of time and emotion invested in this organization and your disappointment is understandable. Unfortunately, sometimes, it is just time to move on. Regardless of your investment. Waiting for change that you invision but are not invited to participate in will just eat at your gut until you are angry. I know this from personal experience.
ReplyDeleteWe don't always need to be the fixer, and we certainly do not need to blend into the background waiting for things to change. There is an 'organization' out there that needs your expertise, your drive and energy, your passion and devotion. Don't let this experience keep you from discovering where you truly belong.
Wise words Suzanne and ones I'm coming to realize are the most applicable to the situation. If I read my post from someone else I would be telling them to move forward to something else and stop beating themselves up over it all. I need to take what I know and put it into practice. I've done my best with giving things a second chance, but it really is doing my head in and it's time to pull the pin. A tough one after all this time, but maybe it's not the end, but the opportunity to begin again somewhere else....
DeleteHi Leanne, You articulate well the feelings many of us share. I struggle with being disappointed, too. I agree with your husband (for me) ‘my expectations are too high’ or expecting different responses and behaviour from others. I am with you on not wanting to join the ‘grumpy old woman brigade’ (yet, your description paints a funny picture in my mind). (Your sister-in-law also a wise woman)
ReplyDeleteThis is where your great word/philosophy “equanimity” comes in. Can’t control, change, deal with the 'now' with grace…”clarify your values.” For me, I have to try to ‘let it go’…this takes me a shorter time than it used to…maybe I am making progress??
You always give me a great deal to think about, Leanne. xx Erica
Hi Erica - I really do believe my tolerance is lower these days and maybe my expectations of excellence (or at least a small degree of excellence) are out of kilter with our more laid back society? I'm really tired of beating myself up over it all and I think it's time to call it for what it is and stop agonizing over it all. I can talk (or write) it to death, but that doesn't change things if they're so out of kilter with what I'd hoped (expected) from it all.
DeleteAdmitting something isn't working for me anymore is a hard one for me - and "just pushing through" isn't working either, so maybe it's time for onwards and upwards and seeing what's next on the horizon.....but it's tough....
Leanne, I have personal experience with both walking away from a situation that was just draining (and still wondering if that was right move) and staying & fighting for what I think is right in a situation (and interestingly making a bit of progress, even though it's often painful). I also struggle with having high expectations and have often been told I need to lower them. I have no specific advice for you, just to say you struck a chord in me and I can relate. I don't know all the details, but I think you said it yourself - "I need to learn to step back and let things be as they will be." My mom was fond of saying, "when one door closes, another opens" so if you step back, you might see a different door to walk through.
ReplyDeleteHi Pat - I knew you'd get it because I think we view our worlds through a similar lens. We expect from others what we would invest ourselves, and when we see things being done poorly or with little effort, it just grates.
DeleteI'm just so weary of it all and I think I need to stop hoping for better from people who don't see the need to put in what it takes to do something well. There's lot of other offerings out there and it may be time to step out of my comfort zone and investigate a few of them I think. Maybe that new door is just waiting for me to open it...
Hi Leanne - I am also a perfectionist of sorts. But I have learned the hard way that it's not practical and possible always for things to be perfect. The reason: everything is simply not in our control.
ReplyDeleteI have also learned to be diplomatic and accommodative. I have heard this adage: "Take one step back so that you can take two steps forward." If we are going to be focussed on that one step back and refuse to take that, then we won't be able to take to move ahead.
It's perfectly okay for things to go wrong. Life is always a package of good and the bad. What we can always hope for and pray for is that we will have the strength and the wisdom to face the hard times and figure our way forward.
Hi Pradeep - you have the same pragmatic approach as my husband. He can see the humanity in it all and the fact that perfection is unattainable and people don't even try for 'well done' anymore and he's better at giving them grace.
DeleteI just get tired of things being less than they should be, and people thinking that's good enough. Taking that step back and giving myself more time to think about what might be next is going to be part of the journey for me I think. Thanks for your advice :)
This is a hard one Leanne and after reading all the comments and your replies I can't offer much more advice than you've already received. I note that you are taking a step back which I think is wise and wish you well on seeing how things unfold. I know all about having high expectations and then being disappointed when things don't go to (my) plan but I think many of us do and it's this hope and belief that makes us the wise, caring women we are today. We want to see the light and the hope so we continually seek it - no matter that we might have 'set our expectations too high' - we are vulnerable and human and want the best for everyone, but at what cost to ourselves. Take it easy my friend xx
ReplyDeleteDeb your comment is perfect and says it all - and maybe having expectations of light and hope isn't something to be ashamed of. I keep thinking I'm the one with the issues, but maybe I'm the one holding the light on the hill and wanting others to be there too, rather than muddling around down the bottom? Regardless, I can't change things and I can't make people want what I want, and if they're happy to settle and I'm not, then I'm finally admitting that I need to let it go and find something new - it's a tough call after so long, but I think it'll be worth it. xxx
DeleteSad to read your post Leanne. I pray God will give you a revelation of Himself and you will know the amazing plans and hope he has for you. I pray you find fellowship and friendship and you will be a blessing to many. So wonderful knowing our hope is in Him
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful and thoughtful prayer - thank you so much - fellowship, friendship, God focused leadership - all things that have been so lacking. I'm praying for them too and for sustaining while I wait <3
DeleteHey Leanne. Your post resonates with me. I have been disappointed with an organization too and in the past five years have stepped away, stepped back, stepped away, came back to pitch in and stepped away again. Now I'm considering stepping in again. 🤤. My disappointment is that my group has NOT changed with the culture, not seen the changes in the needs of the community, not evaluated the way society has changed and keeps proclaiming the same message as has always been proclaimed to a diminishing and less vibrant following year by year by year. I guess it's the same as your situation and my "fixing" desire too is difficult to overcome. There are three choices, go and watch any further devolvement, step up and offer ideas and involvement for change or walk away and stay away. I waver while my husband assures me, "it's good enough". You struck a chord with me here today. Thanks. xo karen
ReplyDeleteOh Karen - your story is my story! And your husband's view is my husband's view. It's so hard when you see something slowly devolving and no matter how you try, there's no place to have a voice that makes a difference. I'm now into my second stepping away phase and I think any contact into the future is going to be on a careful and considered basis. Leaving something in tears is not the goal - being filled, not drained is what should be happening. Coming together and not just putting up with half-baked efforts is another loss I can't take.
DeleteIt helps to know it's not just me - the three options are all fraught with their own challenges. I've tried stepping up, I've tried stepping back, I really don't want to start again somewhere else from scratch - I'm just so discouraged and disappointed and feel so let down - it's not how I envisaged things would be....
This was so good Leanne. I do think as we get older, we are not as tolerant of things, we are less than impressed with things. I know when we had a pretty life altering situation happen 10 years ago, it was tough. The hardest thing was that the support system that should have been there were the ones that were on the opposite side of the door all of a sudden and slammed it shut. Those who went through it with us, were just as hurt, if not more....it was like we were just treading water, trying to stay afloat, but speaking for my hubby and I, we surrounded ourselves with each other, a few key people and just plowed through. Uggghhh!
ReplyDeleteHi Kirstin - I'm beyond grateful for my husband's support and for the few key people in my life who get where I'm coming from. I just don't understand how things could have gotten so low and that the majority just sit there and do nothing. I think if there's no major flaw then they tolerate all the smaller failings rather than trying to do better.
DeleteI'm tired of it all, it's dragged me down and I'm taking a hiatus - who knows what the future holds, but it's not going to be same old, same old for me anymore. x
Oh, Leanne, I am sorry you are continuing to feel this disappointment with an organization that has been an important part of your life for so many years. I am hoping with your WOTY and the outlook that accompanies it, you will find a way to be at peace with this organization and your association with it. I have found myself disillusioned with a number of the volunteer opportunities I have engaged in. Many of them seem so disorganized or poorly organized and don't use their volunteer (wo)manpower effectively (in my opinion). Have just started volunteering at our church food pantry. We have so many people volunteering that I feel like the gang of us is intimidating to anyone coming for food. And the food we are giving out is not especially nutritious or helpful. But am I just being old and grumpy and idealistic. Are my expectations too high? Maybe. But I just think things could be done so much better!! Ha! And all they need to do is ask me!!
ReplyDeleteHope the advice of your family and friends has helped you come to terms with this situation and your feelings about it. Please share an update about this in the near future.
Hi Leslie - you made me smile with your food pantry story - it's like a microcosm of what I'm dealing with atm. I've decided that the best thing is to step away again and maybe engage here and there when I know things will be less chaotic or less blah. I really do think my standards are different to theirs, but at the same time, low standards are a little insulting and disrespectful IMHO - and if you're going to do a blah job, then just don't bother.....
DeleteYou can tell I'm over it all and ready for another break (sigh....)
A couple things come to mind. Firstly, know your place. "There's not a role for me on the frontline at this time." That statement suggests to me that you do. The other thing that comes to mind is if the solution is evasive, either the wrong remedies are being applied or the wrong problem is being addressed. Is the organization taking a turn in a direction averse to you or are you truly ready to leave the organization? When you don't know what to do, do nothing. Keep asking the questions until the answers comes to you or until you don't need to ask them any longer.
ReplyDeleteHi Mona - those were some very thought provoking questions to ask myself and I've been dipping into those types of ideas myself since I wrote the post. I really don't think I'm so hopeless that I want to give up and start again elsewhere (yet) but I know that the directions is averse to me atm.....so I think time and distance are probably going to be my coping mechanisms for a while - not pushing myself to be doing something for the sake of it or for appearances - just taking my time and seeing whether there's something I can go back to authentically - or if the disconnect continues. Thank you for your wise words. x
DeleteI would be shocked if anyone reaches middle age without being disappointed by some person or group, Leanne. Of course, some disappointments are more disruptive than others. I have walked away from some things and adjusted my expectations for others. It's never easy. I'm sorry you are dealing with this disappointment, but it sounds like you have received some solid advice and are taking the action that is best for you in this circumstance.
ReplyDeleteChristie that was such an eye-opener! Why had it not occured to me that it's a natural part of life to experience disappointments from others? I already knew it but hadn't applied it here - I was so caught up in the issue that I wasn't seeing it as just a part of life - so thank you for that :) And that's why I love blogging so much - the insights I get from those like yourself in the comments can make such a difference to my own perspective because they're taken from life experience and wisdom (and a little distance). Thank you for being one of the wise ones :)
DeleteAh, thank you for those kind words, Leanne. I couldn't agree more about the benefit of sharing different perspectives and insights through blogging. I hope you are having a lovely day.
ReplyDelete