WORRY AND ITS SIDE EFFECTS
I feel like if there was a Stressers Anonymous, I'd be on their membership list. All my life I've been a worrier, an over-thinker, and a major stresser. If I could find a worst case scenario to apply to a situation, then that would be my first choice. I felt like I had to imagine the worst so I'd be prepared for it if it happened.
So.....how was that working for me? (to quote good old Dr Phil)...
WHAT DID WORRYING ACHIEVE?
I used to think that worrying was my brain trying to figure out all the outcomes and to be prepared for anything that came my way. Better to be prepared than to be caught without a Plan A, B, or C. What I didn't appreciate was that the majority of what I worried about rarely happened, and if it did, I coped with it and found my way through.
All that worrying did for me was cause me to stew in my own juices and to be constantly on edge waiting for the axe to fall. I remember reading a quote that said:
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn't change anything. It messes with your mind and steals your happiness.
Ziad K. Abdelnour
All the worrying in the world didn't change the outcome, it just meant that I was living a situation out over and over again in my head - in its worst possible iterations - and making it all more far upsetting than it needed to be. I knew it wasn't healthy, but did it anyway.
OVERTHINKING, DWELLING, CHURNING
Worry for me comes back to over-thinking every little possibility and detail. I'd go over it and over it in my mind, I'd dwell on the situation, it'd churn in my stomach, and it'd keep me awake at night. It made me a lot more stressed about life than I really needed to be, because it made it all so much bigger than it usually ended up being.
I don't believe you can go through life without worrying when things are out of order. I think it's a human trait to be concerned, but it's not a requirement to agonize over everything and to think it to death. It makes us live from a basis of fear instead of one of trust and assurance. When you're a sensible person making sensible decisions, then you need to trust the outcome and deal with any fallout if and when it happens - rather than trying to anticipate it and head it off.
GETTING OLDER AND WISER
After saying all that, I came to the realization recently that I'm not getting quite so churned up over upsets as I used to. I will admit that our 5 week bathroom renovation played with my stress levels at times though! But, when smaller hits come I'm finding that I can let them be what they will be. I still think about it, I still do all I can to resolve it, but I don't get so caught up in the hamster wheel in my head. I'm finally able to step back a little and to see the bigger picture. I remember reading the 5 by 5 Rule that says:
If something won't matter in 5 years, it's not worth spending more than 5 minutes worrying about it.
EXPERIENCE TEACHES US TO CHILL
I really liked this thought from Serendipity Corner:
As you get older you learn to keep your problems to yourself,
because you know that most issues are only temporary.
Over the years you learn to ride the storm,
without creating further drama and speculation.
You keep your worries close to your chest as you know they will pass.
Your faith has been tested over time and your resilience has left you equipped to deal with most situations.
There's a sense of inner acceptance and strength, knowing that you will get through.
You choose to spend your time focusing on your blessings, as no one is without problems.
You now know time is too precious to waste on minor concerns.
You take joy in appreciating all that is right in your life .
I'm really grateful that age is bringing with it some peace of mind and the assurance that "this too shall pass" and everything will eventually be alright. Giving myself permission to accept that life isn't always perfect, but that it will work itself out in the end, has been the key to my brain being a lot calmer and my life being a lot less stressful. Often it's not the situation that's the issue, it's how I respond that really makes all the difference. Now I'm choosing to respond thoughtfully rather than reacting in fear - it makes a huge difference.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Are you getting calmer and more centered as you age? Are you finding that life tends to sort itself out in the end and that worry is pretty much a waste of time? Are you a big picture person or do you still get caught up in the details?
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Great post and one with which I identify. I know that I was the scenario planner too. I still do it to a degree. I guess I'd like to say I have learned a lot about the time worry takes from us but I am also unable to 'let it all go'. Reading and listening to a book right now called Your Worry Makes Sense by a GP in the UK and it is very helpful. Right now I am having to learn what to be feeling less fearful about and with 'only' being 6 months into my recovery from burnout it is still hard. I like and admire your positivity and your analysis of yourself as an older person.
ReplyDeleteTake care,
Denyse
Hi Denyse - I think once you're a worrier you'll always be a worrier - it's just toning it down and not letting it run your life. I feel like it ran mine for a very long time and I was controlled by it far too much. Mum mum would say "worry about it when it happens" and I'd say that I just couldn't turn it off like that.
DeleteI'm finally able to to turn it down - not off, but down, and that's a big improvement. I still get that churning stomach thing, and my brain still over-thinks more than it should...but I can pull myself up and give myself a stern talking to - and that helps to keep things in perspective. Still a work in progress for the foreseeable future....
Hi Leanne. I've always been a worrier, as well, but less of one as I've gotten older. Life has definitely had it's ups and downs, but what has helped me the most, is to focus on my blessings. ♥️
ReplyDeleteHi Christina - I think we worriers will always have some element of it as part of our personality - it comes with that over-developed sense of responsibility that a lot of us also carry. But, like you, I'm able to be more rational, and more aware of how good life is - and that it can't be perfect, so there will always be small (or sometimes big) upsets that need to be dealt with - but keeping the worry proportional makes a big difference.
DeleteHi Leanne, I can definitely relate to what you’ve said about worrying. I’ve come to realise, at the age of 60, that growing up with a narcissistic mother probably has a lot to do with how I am. I always have to plan for the least fall out from everything I do and say - I didn’t even realise this until my partner pointed it out to me. He thinks that it’s something that has shaped who I am. I remember as far back as first starting work and the adults there were so different to my home life. They accepted me unconditionally and it was a real eye opener. I didn’t realise why until much later in my life. That said, the way I manage in life is still ingrained in me from my childhood, although now I know why, it’s much easier to manage. In my case the worry is all about keeping things on an even keel. I retired last year and I’m working on this part of my life being about what I’d like to do rather than trying to keep others happy all the time. It’s not easy.
ReplyDeleteI have always been a worrier, I take after my dad. I have made overthinking into an art form. I'm not sure I worry less but I am getting better at spotting the spiralling thoughts and catastrophising and having strategies to deal with them. I think it will be a life long learning curve for me. Nice to know I'm not alone.
ReplyDeleteHi Leanne, This is so relatable. How wonderful that you’re noticing that you’re worrying less. Having that awareness is fantastic! I too have found that I worry less as I get older. I suppose it’s because, as you say, we now have so much evidence of things always working out for the best, even when it doesn’t seem like they will in the moment. Thanks for sharing your insights.
ReplyDelete