CONFESSIONS OF A "FIXER"
My name is Leanne and I'm a "Fixer" - it's an inherent trait that I thought was a sign of how
capable and helpful I am. I've come to see over time that the world
doesn't need more fixers, instead it needs more encouragers. People
become either resentful or dependent if you keep trying to fix them or
rescue them from themselves, but they thrive when you take the time to encourage them to be their best and
figure it out for themselves.
Today I'm writing about why being a fixer isn't my go-to preference any
longer.....
YOU DON'T NEED TO FIX EVERYONE
We all know that children learn better if you let them figure things
out themselves. They make mistakes, learn from those missteps, and grow
and develop. If we step in and do it for them, fix every problem, smooth
every bump in the road, they become ineffective adults who can't problem
solve, and baulk at every obstacle.
The same process applies to adults who are facing a challenge. Stepping in and trying to fix it for them doesn't make the situation
better, instead it encourages them to step back and refuse to face
difficulties or take responsibility for their choices. Sometimes it's
okay to offer suggestions or advice (if they're asked for), but fixing
every little problem just leads to a really unhealthy relationship. Let
people figure it out for themselves (even if they do it differently to
how you think it should be done), let them make mistakes, let them take
responsibility - you're not their mother and it's not your job to save
them from themselves.
YOU DON'T ALWAYS HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS
As we age we gain wisdom - at least I hope we do! We tackle all that
life throws at us and as we conquer our obstacles, we start to assume
that we have it all figured out. If you're a "fixer" you'll want to
apply all that knowledge and experience to the problems you see others
having. You believe you have the answers to their latest issue and you
can help them with it. Maybe that's the case, but maybe it's not.
What works for one person doesn't always have the same outcome for
someone else. Personalities, habits, addictions, coping skills, being
proactive - all of these are different for each of us. You can be sure
a particular fix would work for someone else, but if they're not
onboard with it, then you're really just frustrating yourself and
them. Adults don't need to be herded in a particular direction, they
don't need your well meaning advice (they often already know what to
do but are resisting it for their own reasons). You can be there to
encourage them, but wait to be asked before spouting your advice, and
be okay with allowing others to do it their own way.
YOU CAN LOOK FOR THE GOOD
We often don't know what someone else is going through - they may be
dealing with a lot of stuff that is under the radar and private, but leaks
through as negativity or sadness. They may seem ineffective, or critical of
others, or jealous, or just plain useless.....but that doesn't stop us from
finding something to praise or to compliment. We can refuse to be drawn into
another person's issues, but still find ways to offer nuggets of positivity
or patience.
Trying to be someone's counsellor or psychologist is often a fast track to
misunderstandings and frustration. A trained counsellor lets their client
figure things out for themselves (with a little strategic guidance) - they
don't try to solve the person's problems for them. They don't insist on
making the person see a situation differently, it's a process and often
quite a complex one. As non-professionals, we need to allow other people to
work through their issues without trying to solve it for them, be a listening ear, but don't get bogged down trying to fix a person before
they're ready.
RECOGNIZE YOUR "FIXER" TENDENCIES
I know I have a leaning towards wanting to fix everyone - I'm sure it comes
from being the responsible
oldest child
who wanted everyone to be happy. I'm a do-er and a problem solver. I'm great
at making plans, and I'm really good at offering advice. I used to think
these were really great qualities and so useful for helping others...... now
I see that they can be more hinderance than help at times.
After dealing with
a very draining person
who always needed to be nursemaided, I've come to see that it can be a form
of co-dependency to always be stepping in and "saving" someone from
themselves. It allows them to behave badly while you run around trying to
put out all their fires. It's not healthy for either party and I it took me
a long time to understand that
boundaries
were necessary so that I could encourage her to make good decisions, without
making them for her.
CHEER THEM ON WHILE THEY FIGURE IT OUT
So, be a cheerleader, be an encourager, be a shoulder to cry on
(occasionally), be a sounding board, be a friend........but don't fall into
the trap of being a fixer. Jumping in and trying to save the day, or pushing
someone to save themselves before they're ready, never ends
well.
Give other people the space to figure it out for themselves. Wait until
they ask for your opinion. Don't leap in with all guns blazing to try to
save them from themselves - give them the grace of allowing them to be the
adult they are and to solve their own dilemmas..... You'll both be happier
in the end.
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A great post, Leanne. As I am reading this, I wonder about the ‘eldest’ child syndrome re fixing patterns. I also hope so on the wisdom, yet I am always a work in progress. Our wisdom may be in learning how to step back. ‘Know when to hold them, know when to fold them.’ As I continue reading, I see how you address the “oldest child.” I have also found myself using the word “trust” that loved ones will figure it out. Many, many useful gems in this post, Leanne xx
ReplyDeleteHi Erica - I definitely think that being an oldest child plays into the desire to take responsibility and fix everything - it just seems to be part of our nature. And yes, wisdom comes from the many lessons we learn along the way - being drowned by another person when I thought I was trying to save them certainly taught me to be wiser next time I encounter a "needy" person.
DeleteLeanne, I have similar 'fixer' attributes as you,(sibling in charge, good organizer/planner, doer, problem solver, confident, happy) and convinced myself for a very long time that I was an encourager. I now realize that my encouragement was a little too specific and often crossed the line to fixer. While that is a mature realization, it is also a hard habit to break. Thanks for the 'encouragement.' I'll keep working on my 'trust/control' issues.
ReplyDeleteSuzanne I think we may have been separated at birth! I can tick all those boxes - and I like the term "sibling in charge" because it's not always the oldest child who takes on the burden of people pleasing. And my encouragement definitely slipped into trying to fix someone else's myriad of problems - and I was doing it again recently until I pulled myself up and reminded myself of how badly that went for my last time!
DeleteLeanne, I can relate to everything you're saying. Women, in particular have been programmed from an early age to be caretakers. Growing up in an abusive household, I took over the role of protector, controller and savior. It was not intentional but that's what happens in dysfunctional families. You do everything to survive in a chaotic environment. I am slowly letting go of those different roles but it's not easy. The roles of fixer and protector are still very strong in me. Probably because I don't want people to go through what I went through, but I have to remind myself that I am dealing with adults now who have choices and power to make their own decisions. Being a fixer was very exhausting for me and not always appreciated but I will always be an encourager. Thank you for sharing your humanity. We're striving and learning, and, in the meantime, seft-compassion is so important.
ReplyDeleteHi Yvonne - I think being a 'fixer' is like being a 'perfectionist' - they seem like really admirable qualities until you realize that they're not serving you well, and in fact they're draining you and causing you a lot of stress and hurt. I'm learning that I can't control everything and everyone - I can only be there to listen and to let them make their own decisions - they're adults and you can't nursemaid people and expect a healthy result. The getting of wisdom is a long process!
DeleteI try to be more of a listener and encourager but that compulsive need to give advice and help is so hard to hold back!
ReplyDeleteI'm learning to say "no" and to step back Joanne - it's hard because I have so many "great" ideas and thoughts, but they're not helpful if the other person isn't ready to hear them. And really, most people know what they need to do, and doing it for them doesn't solve anything.
DeleteHi, Leanne - I agree that listening, supporting and encouraging are the most helpful but I totally get the temptation to try to 'fix' instead. Great post!
ReplyDeleteHi Donna - we fixers will always want to "help" - but sometimes stepping back is a healthier option for all concerned. And BTW your comment was just getting moderated and didn't disappear (it happens to all comments here after 24 hours) :)
DeleteHi Leanne, you know I too had this tendency to be a fixer. But as I grew older, I have learnt to let things be. I understood that everything in this world is not in my control, and I have to learn to live with, maybe what I think are, imperfections.
ReplyDeleteThat's my ultimate goal - to let things be what they will be, and not feel the need to have every duck perfectly in a row :)
DeleteAs an oldest child I too seem to have some of these traits and can see lots of similarities. Fixing others is something I know I can't do anymore but I can listen and encourage, the older I get the wiser I become it seems! I like being a cheerleader these days and get a lot of enjoyment from interactions with other supportive cheerleaders, like yourself.
ReplyDeleteHi Deb - I like that we grow in wisdom as we evaluate old habits and exchange them for newer ways that work better for us. I feel like my stress levels are lower and my happiness levels are higher when I take a small step back and join the cheer squad (do we need pom poms? )
DeleteSo true Leanne! These two lines stood out to me: 1) You can be there to encourage them, but wait to be asked before spouting your advice, and be okay with allowing others to do it their own way; and 2) give them the grace of allowing them to be the adult they are and to solve their own dilemmas. When it comes to my children (and to a lesser extent, my grandchildren), I have to be alert to the desire to fix things. I have found that they are quite capable of making their own way, and acting as cheerleader and occasional adviser (when asked) is a more enjoyable (less stressful) role.
ReplyDeleteI saw this recently and loved it.. Before going into "fix it" mode, ask if the person wants advice or just someone to vent to. I wish more people did this. Just because I am talking about a problem of mine does not mean I am clueless on what to do about it. Sometimes you just need to vent. Merely talking about something does not equal asking for help.
ReplyDeleteI learnt that very early on in my children's adulthood Christie - they were very resistant to me 'sticking my oar in' when it came to their life decisions - at first I felt a little like I was being pushed out - then I realized they're adults and entitled to make their own choices and mistakes, and when you step back, they often step forward and ask your opinion anyway. The other part is not being hurt if they choose to ignore that opinion and do it their own way - often their own way works better for them anyway - and they get to take responsibility for the outcome!
ReplyDeleteHi Leanne, I'm not really a fixer unless its my own children. Even now their grown I do tend to take on their problems and mull them over looking for an answer. I think I'm getting better at it. I know that even if I did find an answer they wouldn't be interested. My partner is definitely a fixer. If I talk to him about a problem, he really takes it on, thinking that I want an answer. Usually I'm just after a listening ear. Great topic.
ReplyDeleteHi Jennifer - I've heard that men are the ultimate problem solvers and we need to say to them "I want sympathy, not a solution" when they start bombarding us with ways to fix our issue. I'm the same with our adult kids and their problems, although I find that being at a distance helps and also watching them become very capable adults helps me let go of worrying about them. And after the toxic workmate, I've definitely come to understand boundaries a LOT more!
DeleteA very insightful post Leanne, and I agree I have to learn (and do this MUCH better now) to step back and allow people who ARE adults, to have the power to fix themselves. Hard watching but how else do others learn and grow? Thank you for linking up for Wednesday’s Words and Pics on my blog. Always good to see and read one of your posts. Hope you return next Wednesday too. Denyse.
ReplyDeleteHi Denyse - stepping back is definitely the key. It doesn't mean turning our back, it just means giving them (and us) some space and allowing them the self respect of taking responsibility for their actions and choices. It's hard when you want to jump in and rescue them, but that fails more often than it succeeds (speaking from experience!)
DeleteHi Leanne. I 'was' a fixer. I remember back to my corporate days - everyone came to me with their problems and I would bend over backwards trying to help them. I wanted everyone to be ok. I had good intentions but gee I used to exhaust and drain myself in the process. I don't do that anymore. I'm a listener and a supporter more than anything these days. If I'm asked for advice, I'll think carefully and provide some suggestions/options/thoughts. I don't want to tell them what to do. I will encourage them (as you say) to think carefully and then do what feels best for them. From personal experience, I agree with what you said about never truly knowing everything that is going on in a person's life. They may tell you one or two things but there could be many more things that they are choosing to keep private - so never judge because you never really know the full story. I wish my younger self was less of a fixer but then that is all part of the process of learning and growing as we get older so was probably meant to be.
ReplyDeleteHi Min - I think you cottoned on to stepping back sooner than I did. I think sometimes you need to nearly burn out to have your eyes opened to how damaging it is to your own resilience when you take on the problems of everyone around you. Letting them fix themselves and being there to encourage them is definitely the best choice all round. I like being a cheerleader, I even like being asked what I think about something, but I don't want to be the problem solver anymore - I like being on the sidelines these days and watching rather than embroiling myself.
DeleteFood for thoughts indeed! I often have to stop myself from "fixing things". Especially when it comes to my children, who are no longer toddlers..even though my mom brain sometimes thinks so. LOL. Thank you for a great post!
ReplyDeleteHi Maria - I think we mothers stay in 'mum mode' for the rest of our lives. Our kids get older and more independent, but we're still in the background waiting to catch them if they fall.
DeleteFixing, heavy sigh. It is hard to not try to fix everything for my kids, but once I became conscious that I was doing it I switched gears. Depending on the situation I adopt a sounding board role or cheerleader, or I ask questions to get them thinking about their own solutions. So, important for their own personal growth.
ReplyDeleteGreat post, Leanne.
I'm getting so much better at letting grown up adults take responsibility for themselves. I'm so grateful that my 'kids' have made great choices and are turning into very responsible and smart adults - they often surprise me with how wise they are. I feel like I'm less worried about them these days, and I'm also letting go of trying to fix broken people who want to stay broken.
DeleteHa! I, too, am a fixer. It’s taken me a long time to learn when people really are asking for a solution and when they just need to vent.
ReplyDeleteMichelle
https://mybijoulifeonline.com
Yes, it's the idea of wanting sympathy or a listening ear.....and not a pile of great solutions to their problem. Most people will figure it out themselves and be better for having gone through the process. I just wish I'd figured that out sooner!
DeleteI am a fixer and have to really work hard to keep my mouth shut. Especially on unfixable things (like cancer management etc or someone's death). I do announce to people that I'm being slient (listening) because of my 'fixer tendancy' not because I'm uncomofrtable with the conversation and they need to stop me if I start giving advice. I did recently read that you can say 'Do you want to vent or do you want advice?' and I thought that was quite a good way to clarify your role too. Good post. #Weekendcoffeeshare
ReplyDeleteHi Lydia - it's so hard to shut your mouth when you have the perfect solution on the tip of your tongue. What I'm coming to see is that my solution might not be the other person's idea of how to fix their situation, and it's better to let them muddle their way through and figure it out for themself. I still have a way to go in that area though!
DeleteHi Leanne, Thank you for your weekend coffee share. Great topic and great post. I agree that listening and encouraging are very helpful. Years ago I did volunteer work with counsellors and observed that they listen to the client and by encouraging words, guide the person to come up with their own action plan. With adults, no one can change them or their situation unless the person truly wants to make the change themselves. I apply what I learned from that volunteer role and it works well IRL for me.
ReplyDeleteHi Natalie - my husband is a counsellor and he told me that people won't change unless they take responsibility for their actions and seriously want to fix their situation. He does a lot of listening and a little bit of guiding, but ultimately it's up to the person to make the changes - otherwise they don't take ownership and they slide back to their old ways again. And I think that some people actually enjoy being the victim of their own making - those are the ones I avoid at all costs these days!
DeleteI'm definitely a recovering fixer. My recovery is helped by the fact that I don't have the energy (physical or emotional) that I used to, so I can't take on other people's problems. I'm trying to learn to ask people what they need most and to, as you say, be an encourager.
ReplyDeleteHi Janet - I physically and mentally exhausted myself for someone who was un-fixable. It taught me that not everyone wants to be rescued, and that I need to put boundaries into place or risk being drained dry. Now I'm much more careful where I invest my time and energy - it comes down to self-preservation!
DeleteThis was so good leanne. I needed to read this. I want to be a fixer and am learning to pause first. It's not always easy especially with our own adult kids.
ReplyDeleteMy husband tends to be a "fixer" with his siblings lives but in the end it become enabling and he becomes frustrated. My husband is the most successful of all his siblings (they came from a poor family). His way of giving back is to fix things by giving them money and offering to move in. At the time he believed helping them would give them the boost to get on their feet, it may even motivate them but outcome has been the opposite. Though it was hard, I advised him to not offer help anymore. I believe it is best his siblings figure things out themselves and not wait for someone to help out.
ReplyDelete