SWIMMING AGAINST THE CURRENT
There are many sayings about life being like a river. Basically they
revolve around the idea that a river continues to flow - sometimes fast and
sometimes slow, but always forward. You can go with the flow or you can
choose to swim against the current - one is productive and the other is just
hard work.
I've spent a lot of my life trying to redirect the current (impossible) or
looking for ways to control the tides so that things turn out how I expect
them to. You might ask me how that's been working for me.......and
(finally!) after 60 years, I can tell you that it never worked very well.
You can try to force life to conform to your wishes, but ultimately you end
up disappointed, stressed, and back where you started. It's far better to go
with the flow.....
SINKING SLOWLY
I think I worried that if I stopped paddling so hard I'd begin to sink. I
had the idea that the harder I worked, the more plans I had in place, and
the tighter my grip, the more likely it would be that nothing would go
wrong. The perfectionist in me wanted to keep a stranglehold on everything
so that I could lull myself into the belief that it would all work out if I
steered and pushed as hard as I could.
Sometimes it seems like it worked - there's an element of "God helps those
who help themselves" - if you invest time and energy towards a goal, there's
a higher chance that you'll reach it. But.....there's a lot of life you
can't control no matter how much you'd like to. Life can be unfair, it can
be downright mean at times, there's no guarantee that good things will
always come our way if we do "all the right things". Sometimes we sink,
sometimes we feel like we're drowning - struggling and believing that we can
always rescue ourselves is a recipe for disappointment.
DROWNING IN THE DEEP
There have been times when I've felt like I'm drowning.....times of
disappointment and discouragement (I'm going through one currently!) There have been times when finances were
very tight, times when my marriage has struggled, times when I felt I'd been
a pretty poor example to my children, times when friendships failed or were
lost. Then there were more recent challenges - all the upheavals of lockdowns with covid, the toxic job, the failure of my hip, and other unexpected snags and
tangles.
I'm a great believer in trying my hardest to defeat the tough times, but
sometimes we just have to ride them out. Sometimes there's no easy fix,
sometimes there's no fix at all. But life - like a river - continues to move
forward and if we allow ourselves to let go and expect the bad times to
eventually pass, we find that we flow with it and life evens out again.
FLOATING DOWNSTREAM
I'm learning in Midlife that it's a lot easier to go with the flow, to
allow myself to float with the current and to respond to the good and bad
times with grace - rather than reacting and fighting the inevitable. I used
to be a huge worrier, I used to plan, and plan, and plan. I used to get so
frustrated when things didn't go the way I expected, or when things were
unfair.
Now I'm becoming more amenable to life's vagaries - I fight against them
less and I'm surrendering to where the current wants to take me. I like the
idea of looking for the blessings and being grateful for them - there's
still lots of good in our world. And when the tough times come, and they
always do, I'm learning to go with the flow and allow them to wash over and
around me. Fighting against life changes nothing - it just tires you out,
worrying changes nothing - it just adds to the stress. Learning to let go,
to allow things to be what they will be, knowing that "this too shall pass",
and focusing on the good....all of that works so much better for me these
days. I just wish I'd figured it out a lot sooner.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Are you learning to go with the flow, or are you trying to swim against the
current with all your might? How do you cope in the tough times? Do all
things eventually pass?
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Hi Leanne, it is easier to go with the flow although there are still times in life where we just have to fight against the tide and not surrender. I'm sorry you are going through a tough time at the moment but it is surprising how resilient we become, especially as we age. Take care and maybe just float for a little while and enjoy the ride. You never know where it will take you. x
ReplyDeleteHi Sue - I think we spend a lot of our younger days fighting against the tide, and I think we still need to do that when the tide is taking us off course or in an unhealthy direction. One of the nice things about Midlife is that we can figure out whether it's worth the fight or whether we can float for a while and let the tide carry us to whatever is next in life. When things get tough or tiring, it's good to know that we're smart enough to go with the flow while we regroup. And thanks for your kind words, things are definitely smoothing out again.
DeleteReading between the lines here, I'll start by saying take care. My instinct is still to fight, even though I know that the best way out of a rip is to swim with it and across it. If that analogy makes sense...
ReplyDeleteHi Jo - yes it makes complete sense - and it's definitely what we have to do when the current is pulling us in the wrong direction. I've been treading water for a while now, then chose to change direction, and feel like I'm back in calm water where I'm happy to flow for the near future. It certainly beats fighting a losing battle!
DeleteHi Leanne. I read your post, this morning, then bounced it off of Tim. He agreed. He and I spend way too much time worrying about what is going on in the world, and we can't change a thing. Also, we're having issues with our families, and that's another thing we just have to let go. We've done our best with our kids, now we have to just let them live their own lives. Great post! Thank you for sharing. I needed your words of wisdom today. Sharing.
ReplyDeleteHi Christina - I know what you mean about stuff going on in the world - my husband is very concerned about a lot of it and I have to keep reminding him that we can't control the big picture - we can only control our response to it. I think the same applies to some degree with our adult kids - we just have to let go and let them make their own choices (wise or otherwise) and be a safe place for them to turn to if they need it. Trying to steer everything the way we want it to go is hard work - and often fairly futile unfortunately. And thanks for sharing this xx
DeleteI struggle with this so much; I want to be a go with the flow kind of person because I do see that all my overplanning and stress and worry and anxiety usually do me no good but I have such a hard time not stressing and worrying anyway!
ReplyDeleteHi Joanne - I think it's a gradual thing where we recognize that what we're doing isn't working for us and we start easing back a little on the tight hold we're trying to maintain. Some of the big stuff will always need stress and planning and worry, but the smaller stuff isn't worth all the over-thinking (it took me 50+ years to figure that out!)
DeleteHi Leanne, this struck a chord with me as I am a 'swimming against the current' person but during the last couple of years, I have been trying to go with the flow. When I’m going through a difficult phase, I try to think of the poem If I had to live my life over …. I’d pick more daisies. I find this poem is a helpful reminder to appreciate life more and spend less time worrying about the things I can’t change. I'm pleased things are starting to be a little easier for you.
ReplyDeleteHi Elizabeth - I think certain personalities are more prone to trying to swim against the current - we truly believe that we can make things happen the way they "should" if we put in enough planning and worry. Like you, the last couple of years have been a time of relaxing some of the tight grip I've maintained all these years - and it's such a relief! I just read that daisy poem - and it spoke to me too :) x
DeleteI continue to see messages about "let it go". They began more than month ago ... I was crafting a blog about it when things went into chaos. And it's becoming an even more important message at the moment. Now if I can just do it!
ReplyDeleteHi Pat - letting go has been a big one for me over the last decade. My very first #WOTY was "Release" and I think I've been working on that ever since. This desperate need for control is so futile and the more I acknowledge that, the more at peace I become. I hope you continue to go with the flow in the months ahead xx
DeleteI too am learning to go with the flow, Leanne. As you pointed out, there is something to be said for working for your goals or planning for the things that you would like out of life, but it always needs to be with the understanding that we are not ultimately in control. Life ebbs and flows and brings plenty of surprises...pleasant and not so pleasant. It is much less painful (and exhausting) to accept that lack of control and learn to go with the flow. Flow was my first ever Word of the Year!
ReplyDeleteHi Christie - it's funny because I just told Pat (in the comment above) that my first #WOTY was "Release" and that was all about learning to let go (and go with the flow). I'm such a work in progress with this, but it's certainly a more realistic way to live - thinking you can control everything is really rather ridiculous when you think about it - but that didn't stop me from trying for the first 50 years of my life! I'm getting smarter these days and being kinder to myself in the process. x
DeleteHi Leanne, hope everything is Ok with you, as Jo said 'take care'. I'm listening to a book at the moment ;Good, Great Perfect' by an Australian doctor and it's all about letting go of the idea of perfection and it's actually OK to be good at things not perfect. It's not the best book on the subject as it's very repetitive but there have been some nuggets in it so far. I thought of you xx
ReplyDeleteHi Deb - I found Brene Brown's take on perfectionism so eye opening - I had never seen it as a negative before, and once I did it really changed my approach to some of the stuff my inner voice beats me up over. I'm getting much better at being "good enough" these days, and also recognizing that life won't be perfect either and that's normal - it's how I choose to respond that really counts - being annoyed or disappointed is natural, but I don't have to live there.... I can move on and go with the flow to what's next. x
DeleteIt sounds like you might be mid-stream in this changing the ways in which you manage this. I find I go back to 'old ways' and then of course I remember why they don't work...and so i remind me to get back to learning to live as if ...a little saying I read recently that helps me "hold on lightly not tightly" and that helps me understand not all is within my doing or control (again!) Thank you for sharing your post for this week’s Wednesdays Words and Pics. The “good news” I mentioned in my intro this week is that we have found & secured a new place to live, where we hoped for, and next week’s post will explain more! Take care, and I hope to see you next week too. Denyse.
ReplyDeleteHi Denyse - yes you're exactly right about the lightly not tightly.... I read one that said "open your clenched fist" and that was a similar idea that we can't force life to go the way we want it to, we just suffer more because we get caught up in resentment or disappointment. I'm feeling much "easier" about a lot of things that would have caused me a lot more over-thinking in the past - I think I'm improving on how I process life and my expectations - it's very free-ing.
DeleteOh...and huge congrats on finding a new place to move to - that's just fantastic and must be such a load off your mind. x
DeleteAdaptable is the word. In Bel Canto there's a bit where the terrorist take over the embassy and all the nationalities just revert to type (or cliche). The Russians just band together and start playing cards quite merrily - they're not scared or outraged about being kept hostage, it's just the new normal. The gist is they are used to filling time beyond their control. I went to boarding school and lived in college so I recognised it immediately. That waiting around for meals, being institutionalised where you automatically slot into routine, even if that routine is not officially there. I think you're slow living 'not fighting the flow' is just adaptability. 'It was this, now it's this...I adapt and roll with it'.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of "adaptable" Lydia - I would have considered myself to be a lot less adaptable up until the last decade or so (maybe I should have been sent to boarding school?) I used to push and shove at life trying to make it the way I wanted it to be...and being let down quite regularly! Now I'm getting much better at accepting things that weren't "in the plan" and changing course around them, or just seeing where they take me next - there's power in that (and a sense of not being controlled by life, but being willing to adapt and change if need be - and possibly arriving at an even better outcome in the end).
DeleteLearning that it's easier to go with the flow seems to take most of us a while to figure out. Responding to the good and bad times with grace, rather than reacting and fighting the inevitable, is such great advice but also hard to master. I'm still learning these things myself, but they are coming easier to me know that I have a bit of age and experience behind me.
ReplyDeleteHi Shari - I wonder why we think we can direct everything in our lives when we're younger? It seems to me that getting older (and wiser?) means that we see that life will happen to us when and how it chooses, and all we can do is respond to it with grace and with the understanding that things will eventually work out (maybe not quite as we planned - but usually better than we worried at the time).
DeleteI can so relate to this post, Leanne. I think for myself, that need to have an iron grip on what happened came from feeling responsible for other’s happiness. It’s taken me a long time to learn that is an individual’s own responsibility. But I still need to work on implementing it…. Great post!
ReplyDeleteHi Michelle - that's actually a really insightful correlation - I've always been driven to please others and to want them to be happy (if they were happy then I was happy). Stepping away from that and allowing others to be responsible for themselves definitely takes the pressure off and allows us to accept what life brings our way with a lot less stress and worry.
DeleteHi Leanne, Thank you for your weekend coffee share. The experiences or feelings you had in the past (swimming against the current, sinking slowly, drowning in the deep) all sound very stressful. I'm glad to hear you've found different ways that work much better for you. I do believe everything is temporary. I also work at being preventive about stress management and try to remove or reduce things that I feel would bring me stress.
ReplyDeleteHi Natalie - you always seem so calm and unbothered by everything in your life. I notice how little you share of your personal background and relationships - perhaps because they are all so balanced and calm? Maybe one day I'll be in the same position - but it's taking a fair amount of work to get there!
DeleteThat's good Leanne. I do agree...I think the only time it's good to go against the flow, is if what the "flow" is doing or promoting is against something I believe. At the same time, I want to be willing to listen and then make my decision, but I agree wholeheartedly that we need to roll with things as they come especially when it's out of our controll.
ReplyDeleteHi Kirstin - you're so right about when the flow is going in the wrong direction, and yes, that also when it's heading in other directions we just see where it's going to take us and be ready for a change and some new scenery.
DeleteLove this post and your use of swimming to provide understanding. As a swimmer always in my life I know what it is to swim strongly against a current that is debilitating. But I also know the wonderful relief and utter joy when one can finally flip over and float.
ReplyDeleteHi Judith - there's definitely times when we need to put in some effort and swim hard, but there's so many times when I've pushed and pushed - only to find that I would have had a much simpler and easier end result if I'd trusted the journey and allowed myself to float downstream.
DeleteAs I near 70, I find I plan less. I've always been a 'fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants' sort of person. Now I find I relish the quick thinking that takes. Of course those around me don't always appreciate it like I do! (Last Christmas, I was charged with directing the nativity for our church Christmas party. I said, "Okeedokee!" and gathered props. That night I just called all the children (thirty of them) to the stage and we designated one the 'reader' and the rest did an impromptu/pantomime nativity. It was SO MUCH FUN! One of the teachers asked me afterward how I managed with all the chaos. And it was then I realized I love the chaos. Organizing it. Directing/herding it. My mind just works better then!)
ReplyDelete