FRIENDSHIPS AND OTHER INTERACTIONS
Recently I was thinking about my friendships and how things have changed
over time. I used to have many, many friends - close friends, work friends,
church friends, mum friends, etc. Looking back at
those friendships, and at the friendships I have now, I've realized that there are three
categories of "friends".....
There are:
1. TRUE FRIENDS
These are the people in our lives who know us well, who love us despite our
flaws, and who are there in the good times and the bad times. They are "our
people" and many of them have known us for a very long time. I have friends
who go back to my school days and my 20's, many people have come and gone
over those 40+ years, but there are a handful who are still in my life and
who I hold very dear.
2. ACQUAINTANCES
These are the people we "know" and who we'd say hi to if we saw them in the
street, or in passing. We may even have a short, superficial chat, but
ultimately they are just people we've encountered through our day to day
activities. They're the mum of someone your child played sport with, or the
person who happens to shop at the same time as you, or who you were briefly
introduced to but don't have anything in common with.
3. FRACQUAINTANCES
Then there are "fracquaintances" - these people fit somewhere between
friends and acquaintances - we know them well, we have friends in common, we
share similar interests.....but there's never been the desire to get to know
each other beyond the level of casual connection. We might even refer to
them as a friend, but they don't hold the same place in our lives as those
we've shared our hearts with.
FRACQUAINTANCES AND MIDLIFE
Urban Dictionary defines a Fracquaintance as:
noun - A person you know better than an acquaintance, but you really can't consider them a friend.
As the years have gone by I've noticed that
my friendship numbers have reduced. People have moved house to somewhere further away, they changed jobs, our
children grew up and lost contact, our common points of connection decreased
and so did our interaction. The friendship slowly faded and we moved
on.
When I was younger, those lost friendships would be replaced by new ones,
there were so many opportunities to meet new people and make connections.
But now..... not so much. I find that I rarely meet anyone new who is at a
similar age and stage of life, and even people who I had assumed were
friends, have drifted far enough away that our lives have diverged and the
closeness has gone.
THE BENEFITS OF FRACQUAINTANCES
I dearly appreciate
the true friends who have stood by me through thick and thin over the years, their support
is such a blessing and I'm grateful for the handful of women I have in my
life who take the time to include me in their inner circle. That being said,
the number is small and I can't expect them to be present every time I'm in a
social situation.
The benefit of fracquaintances is that we know each other well enough to
hold a pleasant conversation. We can touch base on several general areas and
hold a conversation where we are interested in each other's world without
being overly involved in it. These people are wonderful to engage with when
I'm out at a social gathering. I'm not good at being a wallflower, and I'm
not good at being the instigator of new conversations - so having a general
history with someone, and the opportunity to engage in a non-awkward
conversation is a huge plus for me.
FRIENDS AND FRACQUAINTANCES
I used to feel a little cheated when
acquaintances didn't become true friends, but I know now that these days I don't have the emotional energy to
make that happen, and to be honest, they don't either. I think there comes a
point where you recognize that
a true friendship
isn't going to happen, but that doesn't preclude a pleasant interaction when
the opportunity arises and the creation of fracquaintances as a lovely
compromise between all or nothing.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Is your life full to bursting with deep friendships? Or are you finding
they're thinner on the ground these days and you're making up for it with
fracquaintances?
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We certainly learn news words here Leanne! That one, fraquaintances, is indeed new to me, but I also understand your meaning attached to it. I don't have long term friends much at all because of the nature of where we met....via my work in schools over 40 years, but I know now that I choose to re-connect with those I remember fondly, the connection resumes. It is something I am loving to do now we are back in Sydney after a long time away. Another aspect to not making the connections and keeping them over quite a long time is that "I" have always been the one to reach out. I am OK with that but I am also glad when someone else wants to do that back to me! My social network friends met in real life have generally been great and I have appreciated my on-line friends I may never meet too...as I do with you and others 'met' via blogging.
ReplyDeleteHi Denyse - I'm glad I've added to your extensive vocabularly :) And I think there's a lot to be said for "fracquaintances" because they fill the friendship gaps, and are a lot easier to maintain than true, deep frienships. My husband told me that I enjoyed my blogging friendships for this reason - you can "chat" or interact from the comfort of your own home in your pj's - no need to make a date to catch up at a cafe etc..... I'm finding that easier connections appeal to me on a certain level, but I still also need my small circle of long term girlfriends too.
DeleteI moved around a lot when young so don't really have true friendships dating back to school days. Those I've stayed in touch with are more now what you'd call fraquaintances (although this is the first time I've heard that term). I'm quick to form acquaintances but slow to trust and form friendships. These days there I'm fortunate enough to be able to count my true friends on more than one hand. People I know who love me despite my foibles and people who don't judge me. I treasure these.
ReplyDeleteHi Jo - I thought I'd coined the expression until I googled it and found it on Urban Dictionary (I guess there's nothing new under the sun). I'm actually quite happy with fracquaintances, but I'm also glad that I have close friends too - I think we need people in our lives who "love us despite our foibles" and without judgement. :)
DeleteInteresting term. I don't have any long-term friends, but do have a couple of women who I consider very close friends. Unfortunately they are now miles away from me with our move. I would love to have a close friend near-by. I have lots of acquaintances but not yet anyone I consider a close friend locally.
ReplyDeleteYears ago, I recall reading that most people have fewer than 5 individuals who they consider close (true) friends. I wish I kept that reference!
Hi Pat - I just read your post on friendship that you put up today and noticed the similarities in what we're both saying. Maybe there's just few opportunities to make close friendships now we're older? I can't figure it out - and maybe it's partly to do with not having the energy to invest in developing anything deeper than fracquaintances for me these days?
DeleteThat's a new word for me, but I can see that I have a lot more fracquaintances now than I do friends. Like you said, I'm at the stage, where I don't have the energy to put in a lot towards moving them towards friendship.
ReplyDeleteHi Corinne - I find it reassuring to know that others are finding the friendship journey similar. I think there's a part of me that would like to cultivate deeper connections, and on the other hand I just don't have it in me to chase people and put in the time and effort. I'm grateful for the ease of the long-term friendships I still have.
DeleteHi Leanne -- The meaning of the word "friends" has been totally altered by Marc Zuckerberg with the founding of Facebook. On Facebook, even strangers are friends!
ReplyDeleteBut I prefer to stick to the old and time-tested definition of friendship.
I have done a similar categorisation of people whom I know -- close friends (I think what you call as 'true friends), friends, and acquaintances. And there are also so many people whom I have known once.
I think with age, we lose that energy (as you mentioned) to work our friendships with a lot of people. They are all there, that's it.
All said and done, it's important for all of us to have a few people who there with us, to whom we can confide in, who give comfort and solace.
Hi Pradeep - I think you made a great point about Facebook etc - it gives us the sense that we have friends....but maybe they're actually just acquaintances. And I have a lot of people "who I knew once" and who have moved on elsewhere.
DeleteI'm thinking that there's a need to reassess what works for us at this age and stage, and maybe a few friends are all we can maintain, while we allow others to be good acquaintances who we connect with occasionally? It's a challenge to figure it all out!
Leanne, I think you have correctly identified the 'why' of it all when you state that it takes too much 'emotional energy' to cultivate new relationships beyond the fraquaintence stage. I am content with the casual friendships that develop over a weekly game of Mahjongg, long-standing tennis games and my photography hobby. Those activities provide a great mix of interesting people to spend time with. Spending time, and having fun with people I enjoy being around is where my head is at these days. I realize that 'loyal' friends are important and I still have a couple of those who share my history, but neither live nearby.
ReplyDeleteI honestly believe that getting involved in group activities and interacting with people frequently (even online) is more important than forming true friendships at this stage of our lives. We can still offer love and support without being BFF's.
Hi Suzanne - you are absolutely right. I wonder how much of the desire to have deep and abiding new BFFs arriving in our life regularly is a product of social media or from all those Netflix movies or novels? Putting myself out there and trying to find like-minded people just seems harder these days, and I find it easier to focus on the few good friends that are in my life through thick and thin. I'm also very grateful for a husband who "gets" me and likes to share my life.
DeleteI do find it reassuring that others are walking a similar path and finding that it's okay to have fracquaintances - and Pat's post this week was particularly interesting and on a similar theme.
Hi Leanne. a new word for me. I have more fracquaintances than friends as I went through a difficult time a few years ago and could not see friends as much as I would have liked. During this time, some friends drifted away which was hard for me and now it seems more difficult to meet new people.
ReplyDeleteHi Elizabeth - I'm so sorry that you had a difficult time and lost people in the process. Our world seems to revolve around easy relationships and there are fewer people who are prepared to step up in the tough times. Maybe it winnows out those who truly care for us, and those who have just been around for a long time, but aren't as deeply connected. And yes, meeting new, like-minded people seems to be more difficult these days - my husband says that a lot because he's an introvert and finds superficial male sports talk a waste of time, and not many men want to talk about deeper issues.
DeleteHi Leanne, A lot of good stuff in here, again. One of your comments, ‘chatting with blogging friends in your pjs made me smile.’ Jo’s point about ‘people who love me despite my foibles and people who don’t judge me’ resonated with me. Your post reminds me of the ‘friends for different seasons’ saying especially when you point out work friends and mum friends. You make a great point about having a general history with someone makes it easier for fracquanitances.
ReplyDeleteYou may recall how I have a friend who is more than family to me. We met at about age 10 in school (in another city) and we have been close friends since then. We now live about a 10 minute drive from each other in the same city. There have been times we have lived far apart. She is the holder of my secrets, my therapist, my ‘yes friend’ for any adventure, and sooo much more. I worked in Victoria over 25 years and I still have friends from work, other close friends we met living in another city, who now live here. Maintaining friendships also takes time and energy….here Erica goes again with her ‘time and energy’ thing…lol…A great, thought-provoking topic Leanne…my kindred spirit (in pjs) friend. xx Erica
Hi Erica (yes my kindred pj friend :) ) I too have a few close friends - maybe only one really close friend, but a few others who are there for me. I'm wondering if that's all we need as we grow older? The shared history, the long conversations over the years, the similar world views etc....it's almost impossible to generate that with someone new. I wonder too if I've read too many novels where people meet and become firm and fast friends after a short time? IRL it's not the same, we're all flawed and fractured in our own ways - and probably more so as we get older.
DeleteIf you haven't read Pat's post this week, you should check it out, it was so heartfelt and was a reflection of no matter how much effort we put in, it's hard to break into established cliques and to find kindred souls. (https://retirementtransition.blog/2023/12/04/how-can-i-feel-a-sense-of-belonging/)
And your "time and energy" reference will never grow old because it's a deep truth. xxx
Hi again, Leanne, Thank you for recommending Pat's post. I also learned a great deal reading all of the comments. I left a comment on her site. Thank you for your thoughtful kindness, Leanne. You always make a difference! xx Erica
ReplyDeleteI thought you'd find it interesting - Pat was very open and vulnerable in what she wrote and it added some more thoughts for me about that whole friendships in Midlife conversation xx
DeleteLeanne,
ReplyDeletesuch an interesting post...I just heard from 2 people who I knew a long time ago but have not heard from in years. I am also getting back to being involved in our church and have been reconnecting with old friends so your post was timed perfectly!! Thanks for stopping by!! I am way behind in my visits!!
Hugs,
Deb
Hi Debbie - I'm finding that there are so few women around these days who are at the same age, stage, and interests as me. I think I'm coming to the conclusion that I may never make another deeper friendship and maybe this stage of life is more about fracquaintances with an occasional old friend thrown into the mix...
DeleteHi, Leanne - Thank you for another thought-provoking post. Like many others, the term 'Fraquantance' is new to me. I agree that there are numerous kinds and depths of friendship. Still, I am incredibly grateful for every single one of them. <3
ReplyDeleteHi Donna - I'm grateful for all my connections too. I think I'm adjusting my ideas of friendships in the second half of life and realizing that they're going to be different to those I've had for decades. It doesn't mean they have no value, just that they are lighter and less involved. It's an interesting set of thoughts for me to process...
DeleteI have some lifelong friends, those I grew up with in the same rural community & went to school with; some with deep connections, some more of the fracquaintance type. I also have cousins that I would consider to be friends; again some with deep connections & some of the fracquaintance type. Friends have come & gone over the years. If friends reflect who we are & contribute to a sense of self in our formative years, perhaps that purpose of friends has been fulfilled, something we no longer require in our later years when we have hopefully developed a fuller & truer sense of self?
ReplyDeleteWow Mona! That was a really interesting thought about second half of life friendships. I'm really trying to figure out why the women I meet now don't hold such deep attachments as those from long ago, and I think you could be right about not needing to have those same interactions as we've already matured enough to self-sustain. I'm going to mull that over for a while and see if it changes my perspective a little more as to the value of the fracquaintances in my life. Thank you x
DeleteLeanne, another great post. A long time ago when i was just a kid a very wise woman said to me that the earth would send me friends when i needed them. Some would be transient ( she gave me a dictionary to look up the meaning of the word!!) while others would be friends for decades and even some for life. Looking back now I see how right she was. Transient friends were there at a specific time perhaps to help perhaps to experience an adventure and then left. I look back with thanks on those friendships as well as those longer friendships which are still enduring. Iwould agree with Mona above.
ReplyDeleteHi Noil - I really like the idea that maybe we have deep friendships and then we have other less complicated friendships that serve us in different parts of our life - in days gone by and in the present. I think if we don't feel lonely and we're enjoy our own company, we feel less need to put the energy into creating deeper connections with too many people.
DeleteI found this post and the resulting discussion in the comments very interesting, Leanne. I found myself trying to categorize my friendships, and it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. My closest friends are definitely my sisters. My husband and I have several close neighbors that we get together with socially and whom we all watch out for each other and help out when needed. Would we stay in touch beyond social media if one of us moved away? I'm not sure. I also continue to meet up with some of the ladies I used to work with. I look forward to those interactions, but they are not the kind of relationships where I would call them in the middle of the night if I had a problem. So I'm not sure how to label my friendships, but I do feel that my life is full with the right mix of people for this time of life.
ReplyDeleteHi Christie - I've found the comments interesting too. I'm beginning to wonder if friendships morph with age and circumstances (and need). Maybe, as Moira said, we have less need of deep friendships, so lighter ones quite often are sufficient. I really appreciate the few long-term close friends I have, and I'm beginning to appreciate even more, the fracquaintances who add other dimensions to my life.
DeleteHi Leanne, late in getting around to visiting! I found this very interesting and I didn't know the word Fracquaintance before reading your post so many thanks for a new word. I have a few good friends and lots of acquaintances. I found it hard when we moved to a small town to find friends that got me and stayed around, as many friends were teachers who stayed a few years then moved on. Some we've stayed in touch with and others we haven't. You're right on the money when you say it takes emotional energy to stay friends. I'm more likely to have a small group of friends these days and many acquaintances as I said at the start, as we get older it seems to happen we find our tribe and stick with them. I love my blogging friends like you and value them as much if not more as my other friends, as you all get me and my why!! Thanks for a great post and the comments have been full of wisdom too!
ReplyDeleteHi Deb - always better late than never! :) I've found that living in the country as made friendships more transient too. A lot of my friends have gravitated back to the city over the years or moved further afield. Like, you I found a whole new group of like-minded friends when I started blogging (although a lot have moved on from there too!) and I have a few close friends who I've known for decades and who fill my tank. Fracquaintances probably top up the tank with different elements that they bring to the table - and that can be a good thing too. Life is ever evolving and I guess that means that our relationships will keep changing too. I found the comments really helpful in putting this together in my head.
Delete