WHAT ADVICE WOULD I GIVE MY YOUNGER SELF?
Mika from
Musings by Mika
suggested that it would be interesting to read a post on the advice I'd give
my younger self now I know all the ups and downs life has brought my way over the
years. I took a look back over my shoulder at the last few decades and all
that I've been through to get where I am, mulled it over for a while, and had a surprising revelation.
THE BIGGEST REVELATION
When I thought about all that's been a part of my journey to get to 60, I realized that
there's not much I would have done differently. This really surprised me,
because there were a lot of tough times mixed in over the years and I was
sure there were things I could have done, decisions I could have made, that
would have made my life so much easier.
My big revelation was that making different decisions may have given me
different outcomes, but they wouldn't necessarily have brought me to a better place than where I
am now, or with the wisdom and peace I have from all the lessons I've had along the way. The way may have been a little
easier, but would I have the same depth, integrity,
gratitude,
positivity, and appreciation for the life I have now? Probably not....
MY 'CAREER' CHOICES
I grew up in
a family that didn't value higher education
for women. I was told that university was a waste of time because women get
married and have babies and further education is wasted on them. Despite
that, I found a different tertiary path, and managed to get a qualification
and a job that challenged me in different ways. Sure enough, I got married
and had babies, but I still continued to work part-time and that job led me
to a different career path, that led to another, that led to another, and
that led to another.
I may not have made the huge amounts of income that a professional degree might
have given me, but I also wasn't locked into one specific field for 40
years. I had the freedom to diversify and grow - to change when I felt like
it was time, to experience different workplaces, and to keep abreast of
technology in the process. I probably wouldn't have developed the skills to
format this blog if I'd stayed in my original job in dentistry (although I'd
still have free dental care!) so even my retirement has benefited from my
career moves.
WHO I MARRIED
My husband and I sometimes chat and laugh about what our lives would have
looked like if we'd married one of the other people we dated before we met,
or what would have happened if we hadn't jumped into meeting and marrying
within a year. It's a fun conversation, and in all honesty, if I look back
at the guys I dated before I met him, I could have been happy with most of
them, but I wouldn't be the person I am now without my husband's calmness
and common sense. He's such a good man, and he has been my rock and anchor
throughout our life together.
If I'd
chosen differently, I wouldn't be living in the lovely area where I am, I'd probably still be
in the suburbs of the city somewhere, I wouldn't have our children and
grandchildren, I might have ended up divorced or unhappy, or alternatively,
I might have had a bigger life, but one with a husband who worked away or
who worked crazy hours and wasn't around much in the days when we parented
our kids. So many variables, and
40+ years later
I would still tell my 20 year old self to grab this man and marry him.
THAT TOXIC JOB
The biggest "hit" I took during my later decades was the
toxic job
I ended up with in my 50's. I was head hunted into that job, promised the
world, and I went in with rose tinted glasses. It all looked so good, and it
turned into a trainwreck. I had no idea how to work with someone who manipulated me, who drained me dry, who was in charge and could use that
power to her benefit. I didn't know that someone could turn me into a weepy
mess at the thought of going to work each week and eventually
cause me to quit.
That being said, I look back now and realize that I learnt so much from
those few years. I learnt about boundaries, I learnt about my own
personality traits that allowed her to mess with my head so much, I learnt
that a job isn't worth your mental health, I learnt that I could walk away
with dignity,
forgive the person
and wish them well without the need to get even or get revenge. That
situation pushed me into an early retirement - it made me evaluate who I was
and what I wanted my life to look like. If I hadn't worked there I'd never
have taken the risk of leaving a safe job and income, and I'd have missed out on
these years of peace and contentment.
SO.....ADVICE I'D GIVE MY YOUNGER SELF?
Life will lead you down many roads, you'll get to enjoy the smooth downhill
slopes, but you'll also encounter rough patches, steep climbs, boggy holes,
car crashes, and so many unexpected detours. Through the journey you'll
discover yourself, you'll figure out what's important and what isn't, you'll
realize that you need the tough parts to smooth your edges and to become
wiser and more compassionate.
Enjoy the easy parts, feel the wind in your hair as you coast along, but
also appreciate the trials and the hard times because they'll refine you
into someone you couldn't become without them. Life is good, you will get to
a wonderful destination, don't waste time worrying about the future, just be present and be
grateful.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Do you have any advice for your younger self? Would you do life differently
if you had the chance? Were there hard times, and were they worth going
through?
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It's uncanny your post lands in my inbox, when I'm wrapping my head around how to go about healing my inner child. I just wanted to thank you and the universe for the divine timing, Leanne.
ReplyDeleteI shall return to read the post soon.
Much love,
Natasha
"You'll realise that you need the tough parts to smooth your edges and to become wiser and more compassionate. "
DeleteThis is absolute Gold and what we all need to remember throughout our lives. :)
I hear the toxic job bit completely and I'm intending to break through into greener pastures way before I turn 52! Wish me luck. <3
Thanks for sharing your life with us.
Hi Natasha - I love it when something that is in my head resonates with someone reading my blog. I really don't think we need to celebrate toxic things happening to us, I'd rather not have to go through those sorts of experiences, but when they come (and they will eventually come to most of us) it's good to know that we can learn from them and become better people as a result.
DeleteI'm not sure what it would have been like to have sailed through life with no ups and downs, but I do know that it's been worth it to reach this point - and I just wish younger me had trusted the process more and worried less.... God is good, and life will work out if we make good choices and respond with grace when the going gets stormy. And definitely don't wait til you're 52 to be brave enough to move on if you need to xx
Hi Leanne - A good introspective post.
ReplyDeleteIn my case too, largely everything would have been the same.
One advice, nevertheless, I would give myself is to find time for run in the early part of the career.
That is because, when I started my career about 35 years ago, I was so immersed in work, that I skipped my school and college routine of going for a run in the morning. If I have a chance to redo that part of my life, then I would prioritize a run and set apart some time, may be some half an hour or so.
Hi Pradeep - I like how it's only something so small that you'd change - that means that all the other decisions have been good ones that have brought you to where you are now. It's really nice to look back and see that the younger version of you did such a good job isn't it?
DeleteI think I'd say - jump in - it'll be crap and then it will be fine and it will be crap again, but in the long run you'll be right.
ReplyDeleteHi Jo - I think that was pretty much my life in a nutshell - up/down/up/down - but ultimately in the end it all worked out. Trusting the process, trusting ourselves, trusting that we're good people making good decisions - that's what really counts. I'm so grateful that I got here and that I'm not living under a bridge eating catfood (that stuff is really expensive these days!)
DeleteI think I would tell myself to believe in yourself because your future self didn't start really 'living' until 50 and that's a lot of wasted time. Look at you 17 year old you haven't changed a bit!
ReplyDeleteOh Sue that was a lovely compliment - thank you! And yes, I don't feel like I started living my own life until I was 50 as well. I think we live for everyone else in the decades before that - it's so lovely to find yourself before it's too late isn't it? x
DeleteI think knowing and setting personal boundaries would have been hugely beneficial at 17. It so affects who and what we attract into our lives. Having said that, I’m content with where I am now. Your post “Quitters Can Be Winners” which you linked to was the very first post I read of yours when I was at a low ebb and feeling disappointed I couldn’t turn a bad situation around. It really resonated at the time. Knowing when to walk away is another thing I’ve learned. Maria
ReplyDeleteHi Maria - I wish I'd known about boundaries (and actually had some in place) when I was younger too. I guess you build them as you learn resilience and that not everyone is respectful of your time and worth. I'm so glad you found me and that some of what I learned the hard way has been helpful in your journey too. Life can definitely ebb, but it flows too - and that's another lesson we learn along the way x
DeleteI see what you mean, Leanne, about stories with a similar theme. We often seem to be on a parallel path. Don’t get me started on the ‘teeth thing’ ha, ha. 😊
ReplyDeleteI wholeheartedly agree how we require the experiences to move forward….‘the teacher appears when the student is ready.’ I am nodding my head, yes, on who we married. Many people have stories about synchronicity and relationships. I feel lucky, and you word it well, how our partners have to also be willing to evolve in the relationship and stay in the relationship.
(An aside: if you are curious, Leanne, - on the second photo in my fb post, a gentleman friend from high school ("Mon") wrote a somewhat unique and thought-provoking addition to our discussion)
I love your words ‘…don’t waste time worrying about the future, just be present and be grateful.’ This is something I have been working on more the past few years and getting better. A great post, my friend! xx 💕 Erica
Hi Erica - I just read Mon's comments and they were spot on - it reminded me of this post I wrote ages ago about the toxic woman I worked for and why she was always so disappointed in life (https://www.crestingthehill.com.au/2017/02/midlife-monday-midlife-marriage-fairy.html) We set ourselves up for failure if we expect our life to give us a free ride - or if we compare ourselves to others who we think have it easier than us.
DeleteOne big lesson for me was hearing stories from others - when they were being honest and open - about their marriages and their struggles. The veneer we see often covers many issues that are far more "real" than what we believe. I'm so grateful that we've weathered the ups and downs and that I haven't grown bitter from it (like my MIL) because that would be such a sad outcome. I'm grateful every day for this lovely life I have - and I think that's the key to being truly content and happy. Life is good my friend xxxx
A line from Garth Brooks' The Dance comes to mind - I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance. And as Maya Angelou is quoted as saying, do the best you can until you know better; when you know better, do better.
ReplyDeleteHi Mona - that's a great reference. I have several quotes that scroll through on my desktop background and a favourite is "When you get the choice to sit it out or dance. I hope you dance. I hope you dance..." and it reminds me that we need to step out and not always play safe because we can't avoid the pain, but there's a lot of joy in the mix if we choose to step out and dance :) <3
DeleteHi Leanne - such good advice to give your 17 year old self. Mine would be to stand firm when I said "no" as I had a friend who saw it as a challenge to change my mind. I still struggle a little with it now but I am so much better. You looked great at 17 and haven't really changed.
ReplyDeleteHi Elizabeth - I was SUCH a people pleaser for most of my life - always trying to get it right, and "if they're happy, then I'm happy" was my motto. Now I see it was a coping mechanism that worked but didn't really give me much breathing room to be "me" - and it took til my 50's to find that space. Learning to say "no" and being okay with the fallout would have been very helpful to have learnt earlier....... And thank you for the lovely compliment on my younger self. :)
DeleteI often think that I wouldn't do anything any differently either because I love my life and where I am now and I might not have gotten here if any of those little decisions along the way had changed.
ReplyDeleteThat's the thing isn't it Jo? We'd be in a completely different place if we'd made different choices - and would that be a better place? Possibly/probably not... I'm very content with this lovely life I've found, and maybe we need to go through the tough times and the lessons to truly appreciate what we have at the end of it all.
DeleteHi, Leanne - This post resonated with me, especially as I have recently finished reading 'The Midnight Library' that addresses this exact theme. What advice would I give my younger self? Do it all the way that it unfolds. Because every section of the road, no matter how difficult, leads exactly to here. And here is a wonderful place to be!
ReplyDeleteYou said it perfectly Donna - and that journey of ups and downs and pitfalls and scenic views is what got us here and why we appreciate it so much. If my life had been one long picnic (with no ants) would I be as grateful as I am for what I now have? I doubt it. I love that we're so happy and at peace with where life has brought us - and the hard times were worth it to get here. :) <3
DeleteI heard the advice I'd give my younger self and ignored it. Whether it was my workaholic addiction, or the corporate culture, or my need to exceed expectations, I never took the advice I would give my younger self...which is to stop being a workaholic. Stop being 100% focused on work. Find life balance - exercise, find a hobby, make friends, slow down, breathe. Ah well, as I wrote in my post this week, at least I'm taking the advice now!
ReplyDeleteHi Pat - I think sometimes we have to live the consequences of our choices to see what they bring, and then make new choices when those consequences no longer serve us. I couldn't have been the person I needed to be in my 20's, 30's and 40's if I was being unbusy and filling my days with leisure pursuits. I needed to step up (and I did - big time!) that stepping up served its purpose, but it's so nice now to step back and take a breath and enjoy this quieter, lovelier life isn't it?
DeleteFirst of all, I love those photos of your younger self, and particularly that of you and your future husband - beautiful!!!
ReplyDeleteVery interesting post to read but I'm sorry to read the details about your toxic job. I'm glad you left.
The graphic about plans vs reality is so spot on. There are so many things in life I look back at, thinking "why didn't I do this instead" but always realise that I wasn't ready for it, I wasn't "there yet" and things have happened at the right time probably. But there are a lot of things I would have done differently if i were to go back in time. My career choice... I should have followed what I was interested in, not what most easily would give me a job without scary interview processes. I should have started strength training much earlier. I should have started working on my self-doubt much earlier... like Sue wrote, I didn't start truly living until maybe 2-3 years ago. I should have been tougher, better at standing up for myself and not let people treat me like ****. But all these things also have to do with maturity and life experience! I'm trying to not look back too much but at the same time it's interesting to reflect on it.
Hi Susanne - there's a lot of these "should haves" that I can relate to as well. I think we're a product of our upbringing and it takes growth and maturity to master self-worth, and to know what we're capable of. I was so tentative when I was younger - not brave enough to trust my ability to suceed - now I give myself more credit, and I'm more willing to ignore what others are doing and to forge my own path.
DeleteI'd definitely tell my younger self to be braver and that I deserved more than I settled for, but I still reached where I am now (relatively unscathed) and I'm beyond grateful for that - and that I get to live my life on my own terms at last!
So good to read your thoughts and see your photos! I think I wouldn't change a thing...even though some of those life events were hard (and traumatic) because they have all contributed to who I am now. And I am pretty proud to know me at 74 and how far I have come!
ReplyDeleteWarm wishes...and I hope you have some fun on Substack!
Denyse.
Hi Denyse - I think it's the same for me, I'd have loved to have had an easier ride, but I'm also happy with how I handled it all and getting to this point with more "character" than I'd have had if it had been a gentle cruise along. We live and learn and grow wiser as we deal with life's ups and downs.
DeleteI'm bravely dipping my toe into Substack and finding all the stuff that needs to be learnt just to have a new place to link my blog. But it's good to keep learning and I could hear my brain gears grinding as I toured around the site!
Hi Leanne, I love this post. I too decided to leave a toxic job at 50. I am 52 now and still struggle with letting go. I went to church this week and prayed to God to help me let go of people who have hurt me. And lo and behold I remembered your blog and decided to search for it. Perfect timing don't you think? And truth be told, I would not change the peace I have now that I didn't have when I worked there. No job is worthed your mental, physical and spiritual health. Thanks again for a well written blog.
ReplyDeleteHi - and thank you for thinking of me, I'm so glad that our parallel journeys have helped you as your resolve the hurt in your life. I thought I'd be more bitter about how my job ended, but in the end it was such a relief and a load off my back to walk away. There was initial resentment, but as time's gone on I really feel at peace about it all. I've learned to see the toxic person as a flawed human being who hurt me because I didn't have the boundaries I needed to withstand her neediness and pushiness. I also hold no animosity or unforgiveness in my heart - I want to be free of her and of the drama - holding onto it just hurts me and impacts my mental and spiritual growth.
DeleteI'm not sure if you read this post (https://www.crestingthehill.com.au/2022/08/life-lessons-toxic-co-worker-taught-me.html) but it might be helpful in regard to having some positives from an awful situation. Wishing you wholeness and grace as you learn to forgive and to breathe again. xx
Hi Leanne I love the advice that you would give your younger self. I try to avoid looking back as nothing is achieved but it. The only thing I wish I’d known earlier was that I was enough the way I was.
ReplyDeleteHi Jennifer - yes, I wish I'd known I was more than enough too. When I look at who we are and what we bring into the world, I'm surprised that nobody encouraged us and cheered us on (until now!) What I love about blogging is that I've met so many wonderful women who have shown me that we're awesome and that we did well with our lives and getting to this lovely second half. :)
DeleteThere's so much here we can all relate to Leanne, especially if we're being honest with ourselves. Great to read your thoughts on what advice you'd give your younger self.
ReplyDeleteHi Deb - I like that I wouldn't go back and do it differently - I'd like to have avoided some of the potholes along the way.....but life is all about navigating the lumps and bumps, and enjoying the smoother bits (we appreciate them more that way!)
DeleteLeanne,
ReplyDeleteGreat post!! Even with all the struggles, heartaches and sacrifices, I would do it all over again because I would not have my sons and they would not be the wonderful men they are today because of it all!! Thanks for stopping by!! Have a great weekend!!
Hugs,
Deb
Debbie-Dabble Blog
Hi Debbie - if we did it differently we wouldn't have the same kids or grandkids - and that would be really strange. We'd also be completely different people - and that's even stranger! I wouldn't swap my life either x
DeleteThat is excellent advice for your younger self, and so good to realize that you wouldn't go back and change the choices you made along the way. I feel the same way about my own journey. Sure there are things I could have done better or different, but then I wouldn't be who I am today or learned the lessons I have learned. Also, I loved seeing the photos of you from the earlier years.
ReplyDeleteHi Christie - it was a fun journey down memory lane - and also a really good reminder that life has turned out much better than I actually expected. Rough patches included! I think the tough times are what refine us and teach us what we'd do differently the next time around - and not repeating those bumps gets easier with experience...
DeleteThank you for taking us down memory lane and all the learnings you got from it. I love the way you look back on your life. It’s so refreshing.
ReplyDeleteAs a recovering perfectionist, I sometimes look back on my life and wish I didn’t do something or wish I did something. But that just leaves you with feelings of regret, which isn’t healthy and does nothing for you in the end.
I think my advice to my younger self would be to just be your own best friend. Talk to you like a best friend, advocate for yourself like your best friend, and nurture yourself like your best friend. And if I didn’t do it as well as I could have before, I can do it now!
Hi Mika - I really like that advice - I think being confident enough to trust your inner voice (and for that inner voice to be a best friend instead of a mean girl), would make those earlier decades so much smoother. I worried so much about the future and about having and being enough - now I go with the flow more and I'm kinder to myself - I do wish I'd been better at doing that when I was younger.
Delete