BEING A FIXER AND A RESCUER
All my life I've been a fixer and a rescuer. It stems from being an oldest daughter and thinking that it was my responsibility to keep
everything calm and on course. I'm very uncomfortable with discord and
messiness, and I'll do all I can to calm the waters and to keep everyone
else happy.
To be honest, it works well when life is fairly smooth, but when I
encounter a very messy person or situation it can be exhausting running
around trying to solve a problem that's often not mine to begin with. I've finally figured out that I need to change my approach...
OPENING MY EYES TO MY OWN ROLE
I don't think I was aware of how embroiled I'd allow myself to become until
I hit the wall with a very difficult work colleague a few years ago. The
enormous mess she was making of her life flowed all over me, so I put on my
lifesaver vest and jumped right in to rescue her. The problem was that she
didn't really want to be rescued, she identified as a victim and liked
having someone to lean on. So, instead of being Supergirl and coming in to
save the day, I found myself getting dragged under and drowning in her
drama.
I eventually left the job and then spent the next couple of years
recovering from it (yes, it was that awful!) In the process, with the gift
of hindsight, I came to realize that she would never have impacted my life
so strongly if I'd stepped back and created boundaries instead of jumping in
feet first to try to fix her or rescue her from a situation of her own
making. That was a big eye-opener for me.
CHANGING MY PERCEPTIONS
I've been a work in progress in this area since I left that job. So many ideas I've grown up with have gradually changed over the last decade. I used to think that perfection was the goal - it's not. I thought I could keep everyone happy - I can't. I thought I could see what was needed and solve every problem - not even close. I thought I had it all pretty much figured out - I don't. Once I woke up to a few of those home truths, I gave myself the grace to create boundaries - I'd never heard of them before I was in my mid-50s.I
still feel this inner pull to sort out other people, I think I have the
answers because there are things that work for me that I'm sure would work
for them. When I find myself thinking that, I have to pause and remind
myself that we're all different, what works for me won't necessarily work for them. I
have to allow other people to be messy, or needy, or angry, or upset, or
unhappy, or whatever... it's not my job to run up and down life's beach
trying to direct people to swim between the flags - if they want to try
their luck in the deep, then that's on them.
WHAT LIFE LOOKS LIKE NOW
I saw an article recently from Jamie Vollmoeller, a woman a few decades younger than me (they seem to figure these things out sooner than I did) and she said in part:
I’m committed to choosing differently. I refuse to be lost in everyone else’s expectations and needs. I deserve more. When I protect my energy and honor my needs, I'm who I want to be. I show up with love, patience, and presence. I create space for those around me to find their strength. I lead by example - not by sacrificing myself, but by showing what it means to love deeply without losing who you are.
So, I keep going. I break old patterns, even when it hurts. Because I deserve to be whole. I deserve to be honored. And those I care for deserve a version of me who leads with strength, compassion, and presence. And that feels like more than enough.
I think she says it all - it's about showing up for other people, helping
when they ask for help, but still honouring your own needs and energy levels. I don't have to exhaust myself trying to fix the unfixable or
attempting to rescue those who don't want to be saved. I'm learning about
healthy boundaries, stepping back when I need to, and discerning what's mine
to carry - and what I can release.
LIFE IS SIMPLER AND LIFE IS GOOD
I've written previously about the "just let them theory" where you allow other people to be who they are, while removing your need for them to be what you'd like them to be. I think the idea is popular because it gives rescuers and fixers permission to step back and allow others to live their lives without feeling so invested. It allows us to step back, create healthy boundaries, and to get on with our own lives while others get on with theirs.Hanging up my tool belt, putting away my toolbox, and tucking away my life buoy feels good. They're still accessible if they're needed, but I don't have to carry them around with me while being on constant alert for problems that aren't mine to solve. It's liberating, it's a calmer way to live, and I think it's a wiser and more mature way to approach life and relationships.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Are you a fixer, a rescuer, or a cheerleader? Have you changed your role as you've aged? Has the second half of life taught you any lessons recently? I'd love to hear about them if it has.RELATED POSTS
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Ah Leanne, you did tell me to get the chance to read this and comment. Yes I understand it all too well. I know that to feel 'safe' myself I had to have NO issues to upset that situation. I am talking these latter years of my life, since retirement.
ReplyDeleteIn my working life, I did like things to go as well as they could, but there would always be one or two people who did not 'come up to speed' in terms of work and expectations and then I would have to be the official me, and they often did not like that. It was, back then, part of my job to see that everyone was following the organisations rules and guidelines. I did, however, eventually, cause my own health breakdown because I did not see early enough that I was carrying FAR too big a load and had no idea I could actually let my 'bosses' know. I didn't because I still don't think they would get it either.
Sigh.
Fast forward to now...and I am in charge of ONE human..the one who smiles back at me in the mirror.
That is enough!
Great post and I am sure others will 'get it' too.
Denyse x
That last comment " I am in charge of ONE human..the one who smiles back at me in the mirror. That is enough!" says it all Denyse. We really have very little control over others and trying to get them to see things our way can often be a futile exercise. I've come to see that my way is the best for me, but not necessarily for others - letting them steer their own course (while I get out of the way!) makes it so much easier and simplifies life significantly.
DeleteLearning these lessons later in life still gives us time to relax and enjoy the serenity - and that's something I'm loving about retirement....only being responsible for myself and my choices. We've got this! :)
Eldest child here too. I remember getting in trouble for what my siblings did (I should have stopped them etc etc) so to this day I think I still like to rush in and control/ rescue/ hel/ yadda yadda yadda. And I still have no boundaries... but that's not an older child thing for me, that's a me thing.
ReplyDeleteYes to all of the above Jo - it's probably a "me" thing with the boundaries too, but it's also an ignorance thing because you don't know what you don't know - and now that I know I'm figuring our (somewhat belatedly) how to have a few in my life :)
DeleteHi, Leanne. Your insights about boundaries, self-preservation, and allowing others to navigate their own paths are very powerful and thought-provoking. As difficult as it can be, I agree that it can also be liberating to step back, trust others with their own choices, and focus on leading by example rather than rescuing. There is much wisdom in “just let them.” <3
ReplyDeleteHi Donna - I think it's almost a little conceited on my part to think that I have life figured out and that my way is better than someone else's way. I might think that my way of life is less chaotic and less dramatic - but some people thrive on that way of living. My responsibility is to "let them" and to get on with living my life well in a calmer place - preferably away from their noise :D
DeleteYour article and all the comments and your replies thus far, resonate so much with me. I am still occasionally jumping in but that does seem to be a messy solution than doesn’t always have the best outcome. I am learning about the let them theory and trying to step back more. Thank you for your insights on this ❤️
ReplyDeleteThe "let them" theory has taken a massive leap on social media since Mel Robbins took it and decided to own it. I think it needs to be used wisely - I won't "let" people be in my life who aren't good for me, my "let them" now is letting them go and moving on with healthier boundaries and relationships. I'm happy to be part of someone wanting to grow, but I no longer assume I know what's best - that train has left the station! :)
DeleteHi Leanne, I can understand how you feel. I struggle with wanting to sort everything out and make life better for everyone. I’m learning that just because it’s better for me, doesn’t mean it’s better for anyone else. When I turn it around and imagine how I’d feel if someone did that for me, I’d probably feel they were interfering and it would make me feel incapable. I’m reading ‘Let Them’ by Mel Robbins, it’s been an eye opener for me. Also, just think of all the extra me time when we just ‘let them’!
ReplyDeleteMel Robbins has taken the "let them" theory and run with it - it's now everywhere on social media and I find that really interesting because there must be a lot of us who were running around trying to save or excuse people. Letting people make their own choices and then deciding whether I want to be a part of that seems to be a better use of my time and energy these days.... "you do you, boo" might be my new mantra. :)
DeleteLeanne, I have trouble with 'boundaries' so I tend to erect walls. While not the healthiest or most desirable way to go through life, it helps me avoid controversial relationships (I've had a few) that drain my energy and suck joy from life. I function best in small circles of congenial people. Sometimes even those get wonky. Staying on the sidelines is hard, but necessary.
ReplyDeleteOh Suzanne your friendship group sounds very much like what I've been immersing myself in too - and mine have the occasional wonky moment as well! People can be so "people-y" can't they? :)
DeleteI'm thinking of my boundaries as being forcefields where I walk around with an invisible glowing aura and annoying people bounce off!
I've been a fixer and a rescuer for most of my life but I learned that what people most wanted was to be heard and to share their burden but my own faulty perception was that people wanted to be saved ( my problem, not theirs) and I would try to fix their problems but at the end it was perceived as interference and I would feel used and resentful as I couldn't understand why they would act that way after being "there' for them and spending so much time and energy. But I also recognize now that some people are 'users'. They want you to listen to them but don't reciprocate. It's very selfish and when that happens and I see a pattern I step away. I believe that as human beings we are here to walk each other home and to be compassionate and caring specially now in this very individualistic society and I will not change who I am , meaning that I will offer a helping hand when needed but I have learn a lot about discernment and setting boundaries. I apologize for any grammatical errors as English is not my first language.
ReplyDeleteYvonne I would never have guessed that English wasn't your first language - you write extremely well! And yes, I think there's just something built into a lot of women that draws us towards wanting to support and help others. We want to steer them towards a better outcome and to guide them away from repeating the same mistakes.....but.....
DeleteThere are always going to be people who tell you their problems because they like to have sympathy and not take responsibility - those are the energy drainers. I'm getting better at figuring out who they are and giving them space - I just don't have it in me to be drawn down into someone else's drama and turmoil anymore.
I think we all need to be empathetic, but we also need to know our own limits and what's driving us - helping is not always the answer, or we're not always the right person for the situation. Figuring all that out is the key and often it's really tricky!
Hi Leanne. It's just Monday morning, here. I'm not late. It's weird knowing that you're a full day earlier than we are. 😊 Anyway, 2 important things that you mentioned in this very insiteful post, that I want to mention. First, I read the first paragraph out loud, to Tim, because I knew that we could both relate, though our places in our families, was a little different. Tim said that he was always the peace maker, in his family. His family got mad at him when he decided that it didn't work for him anymore. I was the one in the background, that no one noticed. I just went along with everything, never using my own voice. I was the agreeable one. When I started changing, they didn't like me anymore. I dared to change my life, and improve myself. Thats where family relations became a problem for me, and I was rejected by them. The other point I wanted to mention is, the way I see you is, that you might have been a fixer, before, with very good intentions, and while that isn't good for you on a personal level, you are still able to be a beautiful example, for people, when you share your own experiences, in your blog posts. You are still helping people more than you know. I hope my thoughts made some kind of sense. ♥️
ReplyDeleteWow Christina that was really insightful! I think family dynamics play such a big part in our ongoing lives and in ways that we don't realize until we change them and other people start reacting. Fading into the background and peacekeeping help to deflect other people's moods and upsets, but eventually that approach backfires too. It's just as exhausting ducking and weaving and patting people as it is trying to steer them or fix them!
DeleteI figure that all we can do is being genuine and to care, but from a place that doesn't hurt our hearts. When people show their true colours we then get to decide if there's room for them in our lives or if we're better off stepping away and having some breathing room. My heart is too fragile these days to keep laying it out there for people to tread on - I hold it close now and share it where it's valued. It's lovely that you said it shows up here - that's what blogging has always been for me - sharing and learning, and trying to figure out life since I opened myself to being "real". <3
Hi Leanne - Like in your case, a number of thoughts, perceptions, and ideas I've grown up with have changed over the years.
ReplyDeleteI used to be a fixer, whenever someone approached me to fix something broken. But now I realize I can't always do that.
I used to worry about what others would think. Now I've stopped worrying about that.
I've begun looking inwards, focusing on myself, and understanding my abilities and limits.
Hi Pradeep - the opinions of others are such a big deal aren't they? When we turn the volume down on that and stop worrying about them it really frees us up to live life on a more genuine level - and with space to breathe and be ourselves. It's a shame it took me so long to figure all this out, but I like that it's never too late to live life well and to share it with the people that really matter - not with those who drain us dry.
DeleteHi Leanne, so insightful and you could so easily be describing me! I have recently read The Just let Them Theory and had a real ahha moment. I, like yourself have changed so much since retirement and at times I feel my family, particularly extended family, do not recognise this new person who now has a voice and just goes oh ok that's your choice!! I know I still have a long way to go but already feel so much better about myself, my life, and my choices. Perfection and people pleasing are in the past. I love reading your posts because I can always closely relate and it gives me a boost because I don't have a lot of people around me on a such a similar path. I am sure a lot of them think I am losing the plot when reality is the complete opposite. Keep up the brave work. Gail.
ReplyDeleteHi Gail - thank you SO much for those kind words - sometimes I feel like I'm the only one on the planet who is tired of running around after other people. I can't blame anyone but myself for all the leaping to the rescue stuff that's gone on in the past, but man I'm lifting my game big time these days! Sometimes I wonder if it's selfish and I should care more, but on the other hand I feel like I'm finally allowed to say that it's my turn to be first and to be a priority.
DeleteWe can still care, and still invest in others, but we can also prioritise our own needs and step back when it's all too much. The "let them" theory has taken this to the next level - I'm finding that I'm happy to let others be who they want to be, but not to expose my heart to it anymore - distance and boundaries are the key for me these days. We'll just keep figuring it out together and it's so nice to know you're on the same path - it helps me to keep trying to figure it all out. <3
Hi Leanne, as the eldest child and daughter I get where you're coming from here. My role seems to be the peace maker and the one to smooth over troubled waters and most of the time I'm OK with that. I tend to worry more about how to help people, my children, my mother, my sister but realise it's not my job and I can only do so much. I often feel guilty or selfish if I put my needs first but I'm slowly learning - it does seem to take us a while to get these things doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteHi Deb - I'm so aware that we're part of the "sandwich generation" right now where we're juggling our aging parent/s and our adult kids and our grandkids. They all may be doing fine, but they're still on our minds and in our hearts, and we're always ready to jump in and save the day. I find that it gets easier for me if I just take a small step back and let them figure things out themselves - being there when needed, but not jumping in too soon.
DeleteAs far as non-family goes, I'm there if they want a sounding board, but I'm not going to be sucked dry by drama queens anymore - there's plenty of people to go around and if I step away then they'll find someone else to lean on - and that's fine by me :)
Your posts inspire self-reflection, Leanne. I realize that my motivation to help & serve was internal, more about me wanting to prove myself. I have so little to prove any longer. I -am enough. In addition, I now realize that I have the ability to choose at every moment. Like the neighbor little says when she falls - I'm okay. You okay?
ReplyDeleteHi Mona - I've come to see that as well - it's like the reason behind trying to please everyone....there's kind of a "please like me" thing happening. Rescuing is an "I know better than you" thing underneath it all. Maybe I do, maybe I don't....but regardless I don't need to leap in to save them, they'll figure it out for themselves eventually (or not!) :)
DeleteLeanne,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for stopping by and your kind words on the passing of my friend...I pray that this is the end now to a very sad and tragic year...Too many losses in too short a period of time....
I too learned the hard way to just let people be...But it was a lesson well learned..
Hugs,
Deb
Debbie-Dabble blog
Debbie - My heart is with you. I'm sorry this year has been so hard for you. I truly hope the new year brings you measures of peace and contentment. Your blog is such a celebration of all you love, I know it lifts the spirits of all who read it.
DeleteHi Debbie - Kristine said it beautifully and I join her in hoping that this year brings you some peace and comfort and that you go on bringing joy to yourself and others with your home decor and your blog (and those two darling grandbabies).
DeleteLike all who have commented, oldest daughter syndrome strikes here! (I'm actually my mother's 3rd pregnancy. I wonder sometimes if I really am the oldest daughter, or do the spirits of my 3 previous siblings (1 set of twins) precede me?) I'm actually more of the "please please please like me!!" personality than a fixer personality. Except for my brother. He is neurodivergent, and I don't really fully understand his limitations, I only know what I see. I spent MOST of my life trying to course-correct his life and 'right' his ship. Never worked. I am now stepping back and letting him tell me what he needs help with. Listening to him has changed everything. We are getting him a cleaning service to help keep his home clean and our next steps include testing to determine his actual needs and one-on-one therapy/counseling. I hope that this will lift his spirits and give him a better outlook and quality of life. I've learned so much reading all these comments, and the parts that reflect the understanding of protecting our own boundaries really rings true, especially for this people-pleaser. Thank you always for your posts that give us all a chance to share how what you write about impacts us.
ReplyDeleteHi Kristine - it's so interesting how our family dynamics shape us - I think that fixers and rescuers are also people pleasers at heart - and that stems from the "please like me" gene that a lot of us carry. I have a friend who doesn't care what other people think about her, doesn't particularly worry about her adult children, and just sails through life - I'm not sure how that is even possible (and I'm not sure I want to be like that) but it's so interesting to see her so blithely disregarding all the things that I'd be weighed down by.
DeleteI like your change of approach with your brother - it honours his right to adult autonomy but also puts some support structures in place without it all being on your shoulders - and I'm sure that's a huge relief. x
A-#1 rescuer here, too. And oldest child. And recovering perfectionist. Happy to say getting old has freed me of all needing to rescue everyone or try to fix things for them. It is still my first inclination but I am learning to say "I'm so sorry" and sincerely mean it without having to try to figure out a solution for everyone else's problems. Heaven knows, I don't handle my own problems very well at times. I had a friend once tell me that I can't save the world. And I wrote about that...or started to anyway.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you got sucked into all of the drama of your colleague's life only to discover she didn't really want help but just needed the attention or the love. She was a sad individual, I am sure. Poor thing. Thank you for opening your heart to her and trying to help.
I am not good at establishing or keeping boundaries. But have gotten a little better over the years. Still feel guilty when I tell someone 'no.' Especially family. But each time I do it, it gets easier.
Hi Leslie - thank you so much for acknowledging my heart wanting to help my colleague - sometimes I feel like that just got lost in the fallout and drowned in the drama. I think what you're saying about feeling sorry for someone but not jumping straight into lifesaver mode is the difference between empathy and sympathy. We can feel for someone without having to solve their problems for them. Very wise words from you today my friend! x
DeleteThis is such an important lesson to learn, Leanne, especially for those of us who are natural nurturers/rescuers. I have learned that I can be a helper just by listening and asking the right questions, giving people space to discover their own answers. When I began my coach training, one of the first lessons and a theme they kept coming back to, was the importance of resisting the urge to be a "fixer" or the expert. It's challenging, but rewarding. And, of course, as you pointed out, there are those that will drag us down, even if we are just being a shoulder to lean on, and that's where those all-important boundaries come in.
ReplyDeleteHi Christie - my husband would completely agree with you because counselling comes back to listening and guiding, rather than solving or fixing. It's such a learning curve to resist that urge to offer solutions and instead to step back and just be a presence and a listening ear. I'm still a work in progress, but each lesson brings me a step closer to figuring out the balance and what a healthy boundary looks like :)
DeleteOldest here too! So I totally understand. And I love the "let them" idea, and I just started following Mel Robbins on Instagram. She has the best way of saying the simplest things!
ReplyDeleteWe oldest daughters are a force to be reckoned with once we figure out where to put our time and energy. I'm even further down the "let them" path where I'm happy to let them be or do whatever......but not in my time or space. I need clearer air than I find with people who are marching to their own drumbeat and ignoring mine :)
Delete