HOW I USED TO DEAL WITH LIFE
For as long as I can remember, I've always been someone who wants everyone to be happy, to be doing well, and to be at peace with
me. I HATE it when I feel like I've upset someone, or that they have an
issue with me. Conflict causes me a lot of stress and that inner gut
churning that is miserable. I then proceed to overthink everything, to try
to smooth the waters, to apologize, or to change to make the other person more
comfortable.
Well.... that was how I always used to be, but over the last few years I've
been growing a bit of a backbone, I've discovered boundaries, and I've worked on my self-worth. A few things have brought that into focus
and that's what I'm writing about today....
SURVIVING A TOXIC JOB
For those who've read my blog over the years, you'd know that I was in a
very difficult position in a previous work environment. I had allowed myself to become embroiled in a co-worker's messy life and
she swamped me with her neediness and narcissism. I truly thought I could
help her, rescue her, and set her on a more stable path - and how wrong I
was.... I ended up drowning in her drama, stressed to the max as I juggled her
needs with a busy job, and it really pushed me to breaking point.
But, as the saying goes, "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger". In the
process of extricating myself from the position I was in, I learned about
boundaries (I wish I'd known about them decades ago!), I learned that I
can't rescue someone who doesn't want to be rescued, and I also learned that
I was strong enough to walk away from a "perfect job" that had become a
nightmare.
Tough times can teach us
to be brave, to value ourselves, and to make our own needs a priority - we
are forced to grow in ways we'd never have done if we'd been in an easy
place in life, we step away and we step up.
MOVING ON FROM A DISAPPOINTING ENVIRONMENT
Over the last year or so I've been feeling like I needed to move on from
the church we've been going to for the last 15 years. It's difficult to
separate commitment to attending from what I actually need for my own heart
and soul. Do we keep doing something that no longer feels right - even if
there's not something that's obviously 'wrong'? That's the question that's
been in my mind for quite a while. Can I be true to myself and my beliefs if I'm continually doing something out of obligation rather than desire?
DISTANCING MYSELF FROM A DIFFICULT FAMILY MEMBER
The third lesson I've been working my way through lately is finally
standing up for myself with a difficult family member. It's been so hard to step back, and to not allow yet another negative
comment, another snarky judgement, another little barb go through to the
keeper. Allowing someone else to say hurtful things to keep the peace isn't
healthy for me or for them. When there is a lack of apology, a lack of
perception, and an attitude of self-righteousness, then it's time to draw a line in the sand and to say "enough".
Family is always tricky because there's a lot at play - you can't just call
them on it and accept the fallout because those people are part of the
extended family unit - what impacts them will impact others. I'm in the
process of figuring out how to keep a healthy distance without being cold.
I'm not waiting for an apology - that train left the station a long time
ago, but I won't keep placing myself in the line of fire. I don't need to
walk away, but I can value myself enough to step back and make it clear in
regard to what is acceptable behaviour and what I won't allow any longer -
it's really tough, but also very liberating to not be in that unsettling
atmosphere any longer. I saw this from Barb Schmidt recently and it rang
very true for me:
The people we spend the most time with will massively affect our behaviors, our mood, and our relationship with ourselves and others.
Now is the time to be brave, notice what happens to your life when you’re with people who are disrespectful, condescending, negative, and dishonest.
Become keenly aware of how this plays a role in your energy, and your enthusiasm for life to live each day being your truest, best self.
Stand up, make a plan, and kindly remove them from your circle of influence.
If complete removal is not possible limit the time greatly, and put an invisible shield around you when you’re with them.
Don’t engage, try to change, or be involved. Do the obligatory time and make it short.
But for the most part we can let people go and wish them well, we’re just too afraid of what might happen.
Will they dislike me? Will I be alone? The unknown is scary, but the pain of the reality of the now is worse.
Enough is enough. You deserve better.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Have you had any lessons from the School of Hard Knocks? Are you stronger
now than you used to be when it comes to holding your ground and knowing
your worth?
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Thanks, Leanne, for telling it like it is. I have had to do the same as you. Set boundaries. Limit connections. Yes, it has led to not being "in the know" about important family news. But I realized that I wasn't in the loop prior except when it was of benefit. After a terrible phone call that assigned blame to me that was uncalled for, I stopped all communication for a while. I now limit my responses to simple texts or emails. No longer do I tell my story at all. Because, truthfully, though it is said it is wanted, it is not. Not when it is used against me in the future. That is life. Some are forgiving, some are not. Some forgive and forget, some forgive but do not. Too much has happened in my life that has changed me radically and fundamentally now. I look fondly upon the years past, but I recognize where the limitations are now. Yes, it is hard to be alone. Yes, it is hard not to have that familial connection. But the excruciating painful moments are not wanted either. So we begin again to remake our lives anew. On our terms now. My best to you!
ReplyDeleteHi Allison - it's such a tough one isn't it? I'm just grateful that it's an older member of my husband's side of the family, but it still hurts my heart and it makes me question all the effort and care I put into the relationship over 40 years. Now that I look back more clearly I can see that this person was never a giver, or an encourager, or even all that kind - she was just suiting herself and everyone stepped carefully around her.
DeleteI don't want to be that person, I don't want to have that kind of energy around me anymore, so I'm prepared to put up with the discomfort of stepping back if it means I no longer have to justify her rudeness. It's sad for her because it's one less connection in her very small life, but I'm okay with that now and the ball is always in her court. I think we have to give ourselves the grace to be okay with healthy boundaries - we can't please all of the people all of the time (and I don't even want to anymore).
Thank you for sharing Leanne. I too am working my boundaries in my late 50's with a sticky/toxic family member. One day at a time. It's affirming to know I'm not alone.
ReplyDeleteHi Gaye - I feel the same way. I think we have to give it our best shot, but there comes a time when we cede the field and retire wounded. I'm fine with having some space, but my heart hurts for what could have been...
DeleteCongratulations on being wise enough to move forward the way you have.
ReplyDeleteIn answer to your question about us, I confess to a light bulb moment. It was a relalionship that was some almost 60 years old. In that time, the friend had ghosted me twice with some years passing between. To this day, I have no idea why.
She would move back to the relationship when it suited her and I always let her in. Most recently, after I had supported her through a very rocky family time, she called one of my friends a horrible name, sending me a picture that she'd lifted from my Insta account to show who she meant. I told her that she didn't know the friend and perhaps it was unkind to be so thoughtless. She really became confrontational, saying she didn't need the 's**t' from a friend like me. I said to her that she could end the friendship if she chose but to always remember that she was the one who did it. After that there was thankfully radio silence and I blocked her emails, phone number and access to my 2 social media accounts.
I don't miss her - and I think that in itself is very telling. I mourn the good years we had as friends but not in a big way and I've just got on with my life - happier with the kind friends I do have rather than the tempestuous and sometimes alcohol-fuelled person that she is. It is a boundary I'll never let down again. Three times shy...
Hi Prue - I think it says a lot about us when we've tried and tried, and forgiven, and tried yet again.....and when we finally step away it's because we know we've given it our best shot and it's on them now. I have also chosen to block this person from my phone - it was too stressful hearing my phone ring and knowing that it would be another justification of why she was right and I had "misunderstood". Life is really too short to waste time on people who don't want to be a positive or genuine friend. Nobody is little Pollyanna Sunshine all the time, but some are just hard work and energy draining.
DeleteIt's a little empowering to have the strength to walk away with your head held high and with the knowledge that your life is full of good people who love you - and now there's more time and energy to invest into those relationships.
Hi Leanne, I can totally relate to everything you’ve said. In fact I could have written it! I have a close relative who is narcissistic and that’s where my need to please and make sure everyone is happy comes from. I’ve learned in my late 50s that I’ll never fully succeed as they’ll always push the boundaries and save ‘ammunition’ on things I’ve talked about years ago to use against me. So, the best thing is to talk very little about myself (no future ammunition for her) and avoid situations where there is too much time sitting talking over coffee - when I see her I take her out and about! Growing up in this environment has through the years affected my work relationships too, as the need to please is always high on my agenda. However I’m retiring this year and I’m very much looking forward to the freedom to surround myself with those I love and care about as much as possible. Try not to overthink these people as you’ll never understand them or please them. Spend your time with those who lift you up!
ReplyDeleteThat was beautifully said - and it echoed some of the quote from Barb Schmidt that I shared. The idea that you don't have to completely cut contact, but you can protect your peace and choose the amount of space you allow them. Recognizing their character and that it won't change (despite all our best efforts) also takes some of the pressure off. I feel a lot less agitated knowing that I won't have to be on guard all the time. And I know what you mean about it flowing over into work relations and trying to keep everyone happy - it's an exhausting way to live.
DeleteRetirement has been an absolute joy for me, and you're going to love it. I think it's a well kept secret that the days just sail smoothly by and life is exactly how you want it to be - I just love being my own keeper. :)
I've learned (a little too late) to set boundaries and protect myself from certain family members. For decades they've ignored me unless they think I can be 'of use', then they bombard me with demands. I've started matching their energy (which isn't much!) and they do not like it! For too many years I've internalized all of this as MY problem, MY short-comings...but no more, and I feel so much lighter. I still struggle from time to time thinking 'am I being too cold', 'should I be the one to reach out (again)', but then I think about all the times I've made the effort only to be rewarded with a cold response, or none at all and I realize it's my own internal 'people-pleaser' talking to me. It's not easy setting boundaries but it's oh so necessary 🙂
ReplyDeleteHi Sharon - I can see myself in what you wrote - the desire to not seem to be cold, a genuine need for connection with family, continually stepping up and then getting knocked down with little barbed comments. I've come to see that some people will never be happy, some enjoy drama, some always need to be right, and the list goes on. Learning about boundaries so late in life has meant a steep learning curve for me, but we have to have enough self worth to say "enough" and to create a safe space for ourselves. I've reached a point in life where I don't have the energy or the desire to keep putting myself into the line of fire, or to be in places that drain me. Life's short and I really want to live it well and to surround myself with good people - I don't think that's too much to ask for after all those years of putting everyone else first. :)
DeleteLeanne, Reading your story and the others in the comments makes me feel sad. I, too, have had to break contact with family and am constantly second guessing myself if it was the right thing to do. But I tried for years (in-laws) and finally had to admit that they really didn't want me around, much less value, respect, or love me. I really liked Bard Schmidt's quote, too!
ReplyDeleteHi Pat - the second guessing is so exhausting isn't it? I'm such a linear thinker and I genuinely believe that if you put the love and care and effort into a relationship, it should come back with reciprocation.....unfortunately that's not always the case. I'm just tired of mean, unkind people and I choose to not keep pandering to them. I'd rather give my time and attention to the givers and the encouragers - they're my kind of people. And yes that quote just said it beautifully - and in a kind way too.
DeleteHi, Leanne - Listening to our inner self and following what it is asking for us can be a very difficult thing to do. I am so glad that you are doing this (and nailing it, I'd say)!
ReplyDeleteHi Donna - that inner self kept getting shut down by the oldest child, people-pleaser voice......but she's speaking up more these days and holding her ground more firmly - and it's been an interesting process that feels more real.
DeleteHi Leanne, It seems we all have similar issues whether it be work colleagues or family and you are working your way through it in a self caring and insightful way. It's hard to set boundaries especially if it's been going on for years but you seem to be on the right track and I wish you well. Take it easy on yourself, as you are the priority!
ReplyDeleteHi Deb - thanks so much for your encouragement. It really is hard to put up a fence against someone who has had free range for 40 years, but there's only so much a relationship can take before it feels like I'm setting myself up to be hurt. It's been a lot gentler and more peaceful since I started separating myself from people who need to work on themselves. Lack of self-awareness, and too much self-absorption really does bring the nastiness out - and I just don't have the energy to deflect that anymore. It feels good to distance myself from it in a healthy way.
DeleteHi Leanne, life is too short to feel constantly drained by the words and actions of others. Keep 'filling your heart with light.' That is our shield against toxic people.
ReplyDeleteI love that Suzanne - shining our lights, being kind, valuing our emotional health, and choosing to be our best selves - that's a great second half of life mantra. For those who choose to do the opposite - well, that's fine but I don't want to be in their space.
DeleteBoundaries are so tough to set and, in my experience, even tougher to maintain. I fail miserably at it and set myself up over and over again. You, however, seem to be on the right track.
ReplyDeleteHi Jo - you're definitely right about the difficulty of maintaining boundaries. It feels right at the time when you say "enough and no further" - but keeping that line in the sand when it's easier to give in, is the tricky part.
DeleteHi Leanne - It's nice to read about how you've prioritised your needs. It's always good to set boundaries and stand up for oneself. Your post also reminds me of what I read somewhere: Never hesitate to take one step back, because that might help you to take two steps forward."
ReplyDeleteHi Pradeep - I'm learning that a step back isn't necessarily a failure, it's more of an opportunity to reassess and to decide whether you need to start off in a new direction. The process is never easy, but it's often worth the struggle if we learn what we value and what we're prepared to stand firm on.
DeleteLEanne,
ReplyDeleteGreat post....I have learned to step back and step away in several instances...And I am learning to put myself first and take care of me....I hope you are having a great week!!
Hugs,
Deb
Debbie-Dabble Blog
Hi Debbie - it's an ongoing process isn't it? I like that we're finally giving ourselves permission to thrive, even if it means losing a few people and things along the way. I feel lighter from having let them go, and choosing to move forward with what feels right for me at this time of life.
DeleteWow Leanne, a very big and important post here highlighting the hard yards (and I suspect sleepless nights at times) that you have been putting yourself through. And now, look at you, courageously and somewhat a bit scared but doing it anyway....to have and nurture the life you need and want NOW. I do think we change both circumstances and needs in life as we age, and recognising we only get one chance at this, you are going for what helps you feel both content and at ease. Bravo I say. Denyse x
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for cheering me on Denyse - I think the hard stuff always brings with it a lot of soul searching and a fair bit of gut churning. I'm sure you're the same as me in that you'd prefer to avoid having to make a stand, or having to distance yourself from someone or something, but when we step up and make those hard choices we find ourselves in a more peaceful place. My focus is definitely on peaceful living these days - no more putting on appearances to keep everything smooth - a bump here and there is sometimes needed to get to a better place :) x
DeleteI keep finding so much similarity between your journey and mine, Leanne. Sometimes, I still struggle with boundaries and, as my husband reminds me, have a tendency to be too kind and forgiving to the detriment of my well-being. It's an ongoing journey - some days are harder than others, but overall, I'm so glad that I stepped away from a lot of family, friends and others.
ReplyDeleteHi Corinne - yes, I often see your FB posts and think we're on parallel journeys. When you're a person who doesn't like upsetting the apple cart, it can be hard to make those difficult choices to step back or to walk away from people or situations.....but when you do, there's such a feeling of calmness and being settled that arrives - and you realize how much you were missing it. I choose calm over conflict every time.
DeleteIt sounds like you've learned some difficult, but truly beneficial, life lessons, Leanne. Stepping away takes courage and insight.
ReplyDeleteIt's been a low key background noise over the last couple of years Christie - mostly life was great, but there were these dischordant notes, and it feels good to have stepped up and chosen what was best for my own needs this time.
Delete