A TURNING POINT WHEN TURNING 60
When I turned 60 I wrote a post about the things that don't matter anymore. That was a couple of years ago and I've realised that I've become even
firmer in my boundaries and expectations since then. I've always been prone
to accommodating other people and putting my own needs second, but now I'm
drawing a much deeper and wider line in the sand when it comes to what I'll
accept and what I will never do again.
Today I'm sharing a few areas that I've noticed I've become stronger in and
more committed to.....
1. I WON'T PUT UP WITH DISRESPECT
Over previous years, I've written about
not putting up with toxic people, but I've come even further along that path, and I won't allow myself to
be a target for disrespectful people. It's hard to distance myself from
people who are friends or family, but those who are unkind and thoughtless
in their opinions or comments no longer deserve a seat at my table.
You really have to come to a place where the pain of distancing yourself is
less than the pain of absorbing the little barbs and hurts. It all comes
back to being kind and coming from
a baseline of love
- if the people in your life aren't caring enough, or self-aware enough to
think about the impact of what they say and do, then stepping away from the
playing field can be an enormous favour to yourself.
2. I WON'T STAY WHERE I'M UNCOMFORTABLE
During the tough times at work, I kept returning in the hope that I'd find
a resolution. We're taught to never quit, to keep trying, to keep pushing
forward.... But, there has to come a point where you know enough is enough,
where the hole is too deep and there's no point trying to fix the situation.
Too much drama, too much incompetence, too much 'turning the other cheek'
are altogether just too much.
Sometimes we keep plodding on because we're sure that a resolution is
coming, but eventually (often after too long) we realize there's never going
to be a resolution. I've wasted too much time on people and places where
I've felt uncomfortable, or where I've been treading water. I've promised
myself that in future I'll go with my gut instinct and
leave sooner, rather than waiting for an outcome that's never going to eventuate.
3. I WON'T ACCEPT UNWANTED INVITATIONS
I'm not a party person, I'm just
not extraverted enough to enjoy large groups of people. I love being invited to events, but I've accepted the fact that I'm just
not good with lots of loud noise and overlapping conversations. It burns me
out, it gives me a headache, and I just want to quietly sneak away and go
home.
I've often accepted invitations out of a sense of obligation, or from not
wanting to appear anti-social, but I think I'm putting more importance on my
presence than is warranted. If it was an event where my attendance was super
important, then I'd want to be there - if not, then my absence would barely
be noted. I'm finding I'm getting better at graciously declining, rather
than accepting and wishing myself elsewhere for the whole time I'm
there.
4. I WON'T CHASE FRIENDSHIPS
Friendships seem to be an area that is becoming greyer for me, I used to
love having lots of friends and knowing that I had a large pool of people I
was friendly with. Over the last several years I've come to a different
understanding of
what friendship means for me.... I like having acquaintances that I touch base with if I'm in their
general vicinity, but I don't feel the need to chase time with them.
True friendships are more a reciprocal thing for me - those who I value
will find time and space for me, it's organic and easy. It feels like a
two-way street where sometimes I put in more effort, and sometimes they do,
but it never feels like I'm doing all the work. I don't like the feeling
of 'imposing' myself on other people - if they're too busy, then I'm
happy to let them go. Life's too short to chase people.
WHAT I WILL DO
A good life begins with our thoughts and choices - we choose what we don't
want to include, but we also have the opportunity to curate what feels right
and builds into a deeper and richer life experience. I'm making more
positive choices these days - rather than reacting to the negatives, I'm
finding a more proactive approach that builds upon itself. These are some of
my positive goals:
- Acknowledge my worth
- Choose my responses
- Trust my gut instincts
- Be proactive
- Be grateful
- Look for the glimmers
- Be kind to myself and to others
- Savour the moments
- Cherish my family
- Invest in true friendships
- Allow myself space to breathe
- Hold on less tightly
- Enjoy time at home
- Show appreciation
- Love my husband
- Get out in the fresh air
- Sleep well
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Are there things you used to do that you won't do anymore? Are there habits
and practices that help you to thrive? What are you focusing on in this
second half of life?
RELATED POSTS
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Hi, Leanne - When I first saw your title "4 Things I Will Never Do Again" my mind immediately answered: 1) Ironing, 2) Clean my own outside windows 3) Wear panyhose on a weekday 4) Set my alarm other than for very special occasions. Then I saw your post and realized my mind enjoys retirement way too much! As always, I greatly admire your thoughtful, proactive approach that is filled with gratitude and self-reflection. Your Positive Goals are very good ones.
ReplyDeleteI burst out laughing at this!
DeleteDonna - yes to all your four as well! I also will never wear a bra around the house or anywhere else I can get away with it, and I LOVE not setting my alarm anymore - it's one of my greatest morning delights :) I just love the retired life too - and I love that I don't have to do the things that make me churned up or stressed - life is very cruisy for me these days.
DeletePanty hose, what are panty hose? As for the bra - just don't ring my doorbell after 3:00. Seriously though, I'm with you on all of these Leanne. Self-confidence translates to freedom.
DeleteInterestingly I'm actively looking to make myself uncomfortable - which is a very different concept, I know, from being in uncomfortable situations.
ReplyDeleteHi Jo - you haven't hit 60 yet, so maybe you still have room for some discomfort, and it can be a necessary step if we want to stretch ourselves. I will admit that I'm working on "sitting in discomfort" rather than taking the easy way out of messy situations. Standing my ground and respecting my own boundaries involves being uncomfortable at times - but the payoff is worth it.
DeleteHi Leanne, when you spoke about people who are disrespectful and being uncomfortable in certain situations, and wasting valuable time on people who never change, I thought of one of my favourite quotes ‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time’. I remind myself often as people rarely change. I’m enjoying retirement as I now get to choose much more who I spend my valuable time with :-)
ReplyDeleteYes, I've read that quote before and completely agree with it. I think we can give others the benefit of the doubt, but repeated behaviour shows that they really don't want to be part of our inner circle. I'm much better at letting people be who they are while I take a different path - not everyone is going to be on the same wavelength as me and I'm okay with that - and okay with moving on without them :)
DeleteI'm not even in my 50's yet and I too don't/won't do any of these. However, sometimes I purposely step outside my comfort zone and make myself slightly uncomfortable but on my own terms to make myself stretch and grow.
ReplyDeleteHi Jo - I think each 'generation' is getting to this point earlier in life. I see my daughter so much further down the path of self-awareness and self confidence than I was at her age. She (like you) is also fine with being uncomfortable if it means she's growing. I'm trying to find that middle ground where I'm okay with some discomfort if it leads to a positive outcome - rather than discomfort from putting my own needs on the back burner all the time.
Delete4 things I will never do again now that I am in my 80's. 1) run to the top of the hill. 2) eat anything without being aware of what I am putting into my body and brain. 3) waste time with irrational people who are off the rails 4) speak without thinking
ReplyDeleteHi Gary - these are all really good points - I don't run anywhere these days - my hips are too valuable for me to pound into the ground, and since my metabolism isn't what it used to be, I'm also more careful with what goes in my mouth. And yes, spare me from crazy people and thoughtless comments - they always come back to bite us!
DeleteHi Leanne - I can very well related to the topics you have touched upon in this post. I too am winding down on those four points you have mentioned.
ReplyDeleteIn my younger days, I too have made compromises and adjustments, mainly with two objectives in mind. One, to avoid a showdown and two, to avoid a breakdown. I have reached a stage in life, where I can well keep away from such situations.
On a broader level, I will try my best to avoid negative vibes and keep a close company of positive vibes.
Good post, Leanne.
Hi Pradeep - you summed it up well with your mention of avoiding showdowns and breakdowns - that was my life well into my 50's and still my default unless I slow down enough to think things through and to find what really matters. Avoiding negativity and drama seems to diminish the showdowns and breakdowns - so it's a win/win!
DeleteLeanne, thank you so much for another relatable post. It's uncanny how we are so much alike. I distance myself from toxic people and some are no longer part of my life. I put up with too much for too long because I moved to a different place with a different culture and I was lonely and looking for friendship. I don't like crowds and loudness - too draining for the amount of energy that I have. My goals are very similar to yours except for a couple as I am in a different family situation than yours. I am seeking a tranquil and peaceful life with glimmers here and there. Thank you for your comforting and encouraging words to my comments - so appreciated!. Thank you for the beautiful person that you are and for sharing your world☺.
ReplyDeleteHi Yvonne - I think there's a lot of us who are looking for a calmer and gentler way of life. We don't meet each other because we're not out socialising and mingling - which is a shame. I think there's definitely a need for an Introverts Anonymous group where we get to chat one to one and not have to shout over each other or over the background noise :) I'm still looking for ways to engage more in real life with people like us - those who are looking for deeper things, who want engagement but on a more personal level. Blogging gives me the joy of "meeting" likeminded people and that's why I keep coming back to it - sharing the journey and the discoveries along the way. We'll keep cheering each other on towards the finish line. xx
DeleteHi Leanne. This post is so on point for me, today. My goals for this coming year, are to close the door on people who don't value me, and treat me with respect, to value myself more, and to appreciate Gods gifts, every single day. Thank you for sharing. Sharing to FB. Xx Christina Daggett
ReplyDeleteHi Christina - it's such a fine line to walk isn't it? Having boundaries and self-respect, honouring our right to be loved and valued. The hurt always comes most deeply from those we think should love us and care about us - maybe leave the door ajar just in case something unexpectedly nice sneaks through - hope springs eternal. xx
DeleteDitto. We share like minds. Time is precious so every minute spent is a gift to be treasured. Spend it wisely.
ReplyDeleteHi Allison - you're so right, life is getting shorter, but also sweeter. I'm so grateful that I have the time now to savour the moments and to invest myself into what really matters. I like that I'm not spread so thin and I know who and what is important - it allows me to spend my time and energy more wisely. :)
DeleteHi Leanne, growing older brings much joy and confidence. I can relate to your list and have a few i could add in!
ReplyDeleteHi Deb - I think we finally get brave enough to know what we deserve and okay with putting it into place - a lot less people pleasing goes on in my world these days :)
DeleteKnowing yourself better and honouring yourself is what I read here Leanne. Age can be a wonderful thing and you are making life for you now based on your needs...yay! Denyse x
ReplyDeleteHi Denyse - I think I've become better at knowing what I stand for and what my values are. If people or situations conflict with that, then I'm more able to step away and live and let live. We're all different and respecting each other's boundaries and personalities is really key to enjoying this second half of life.
DeleteGood for you, Leanne. I love this. As for me, with the holidays coming up, I won't go overboard with decorations, Christmas cards, gifts, or socializing. Now this doesn't mean I won't participate in all of these activities, I'm just scaling back to make what I do choose to do more enjoyable.
ReplyDeleteHi Christie - yes that's a big one for me too. I'm very pleased that our daughter wants to host Christmas at her place this year - so a bit of a long drive each way, but that's offset by not needing to do all the extras that comes with having Christmas at our place - less fuss and bother all round with the passing of the baton. :)
DeleteWonderful article. Funny, and serious, you have covered it all. The most important one for me is "acknowledge my worth". Too long I put this on the back burner. It still is not easy but I ask myself this as a question now when i feel uncomfortable, "Is this worth my energy, time, my thoughts?"
ReplyDeleteHi Judith - I think a lot of us put ourselves last on the foodchain, and it feels selfish to consider our own needs or to acknowledge our own worth. I'm really working on this area as I want to be able to filter out the people and things that drain me and pull me down. I figure life's now too short to invest my time and energy into stuff that isn't healthy for me mentally or emotionally - as the saying goes "ain't nobody got time for that" :D
Delete