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TURN THE PRESSURE DOWN
When I chose
Equanimity as my Word of the Year, the driving thought behind it was how to centre and ground myself
in quiet confidence and truth. I don't want to be striving after all the
bells and whistles this world parades in front of me, I want to live a life
that's free from stress and juggling too many balls.
Retiring from work has given me the opportunity to move away from
performance based living, I don't have to jump through someone else's hoops
anymore. Life is on my own terms - as long as I remind myself of a few simple home
truths now and then.....
I DON'T HAVE TO BE THE OLDEST CHILD
A lot of people have a mean girl voice in their head.....I think mine is
the oldest child
voice. The one that tells me I need to be responsible for everyone and
everything, that I need everything I do to be perfect, that I'm only happy
if everyone around me is happy, and that I can never quit - I just need to
try harder and keep pushing through.
That voice is very tiring, it nags at me and pushes buttons that are so
ingrained in my psyche that I don't even notice - until I find myself
feeling stressed, or guilty, or upset, or pressured. I'm not sure if I'll
ever be able to completely lose the buttons, but I can ditch that little
inner oldest child who keeps pushing them every chance she gets. I can learn
to relax, I can make choices that are from the heart (rather than from what
I think I should be doing), I can breathe and let life happen without trying
to wrestle with it so it all looks shiny and perfect.
I CAN LEARN FROM OTHERS
Sometime in the last 12 months I discovered that I'm a closet Taylor Swift fan - a
Swiftie at 60 - and I'm okay with admitting it. Some of her lyrics touch a
part of me that I thought was too old for them to resonate with. I love her upbeat
singing and advice - nothing beats a bit of "Shake It Off" when I'm feeling
like I need a boost, but there's also deeper stuff that came from her
difficult times.
One small line from a poem she wrote says:
IN THE DEATH OF HER REPUTATION SHE FELT TRULY ALIVE
For some unknown reason, that line just struck a chord with me. I think
it's to do with
having an expectation and hope not met
(yet again) earlier this year. When I was sorting through my disappointment,
I realized that there was freedom in letting go of those expectations and
hopes. I found that there was a part of me that was relieved to have the
pressure taken off and to admit that I felt more alive and happy outside of
that commitment than I did when I was fully involved and trying so hard to
shape myself to fit in. It has given me clarity and room to re-imagine my
life, and it's been such a relief to breathe and let it go.
I CAN LIVE LIFE MY WAY
I had a bit of a Frank Sinatra moment when I wrote that subheading....."I
did it my way..." sprang immediately to mind - because I have a song for
every occasion (just ask my family!) But there's truth in that heading too -
after 60+ years I'm finally giving myself the grace to live life on my own
terms, without feeling the constant need to justify myself to others. I can
admire people who lead very full and diverse lives while admitting that I'm
not one of them. I just don't want too much going on in my world at any
given time anymore. I've gone from a major multi-tasker to
a one-thing-at-a-time kind of gal.
I used to thrive under pressure, but now I'm happy in cruise mode. I don't
mind a bit of busyness here and there, but I don't need to prove myself to
anyone, I feel like my life is full enough as it is, there's lots of little
things in it that I've chosen and that I love. I have people who care about
me, family who are close but not needing too much of my reserves, interests
to keep my brain active, challenges to engage my soul towards becoming
deeper and more whole. I have the time to invest where I need it the most,
without trying to fit my needs around so many other commitments. The
pressure has been turned down to a gentle simmer - and I'm loving it.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Are you under pressure or are you gently simmering? Are you finding that
the second half of life is more about what engages your heart and mind, or
are you still juggling a multitude of balls? What centres you in this phase
of life?
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So much of this post resonated, Leanne. I loved the phrase "opportunity to move away from performance based living" -- one of the greatest gifts of retirement. At this time of life I am able to seize what engages me and also to set boundaries about things I will no longer give my time to. The one drawback is at times I struggle to feel as energized and motivated by challenges and problem solving as I once was -- still working on how to recapture that in my present context.
ReplyDeleteHi Linda - I've been doing a lot of thinking about what retirement looks like, and how much we're influenced by social media and expectations. It's hard to leave that performanced based assessment behind and to be okay with living a "lesser" life. I'm coming to believe that we need to re-order our thinking about what a meaningful life looks like - and to begin to live whatever way feels authentic to our souls. It's an interesting journey!
DeleteHi Leanne - I am in the last year of my work. One thing I am looking forward to is not being committed to someone else's schedule and deadlines. Right now I have slowed down a lot, giving myself a lot of time.
ReplyDeleteHi Pradeep - slowing down as retirment approaches is definitely a great approach. So many people get caught out when they've worked full speed all their lives and then suddenly come to a stop and don't know how to slow their rhythm down and enjoy a less hurried pace of life.
DeleteI laughed when you said you have a song for everything - I do too! And My Way is the song I want played at my funeral ... you heard it here first.
ReplyDeleteHi Jo - nothing beats having a song for every occasion - it just brings more sparkle and joy to life when you can burst into song at the drop of a hat - especially an ABBA one! I have my funeral songs picked too - top of the list "The Day You Went Away"...
DeleteLeanne, I literally wrote this line yesterday as a possible lead-in for a blog: "How can I find (and keep!) contentment in doing retirement my own way? Cue Frank Sinatra! " Hah. There are days when the contentment is there, but there are days when it's not - when I feel I need to justify myself, justify my choices. I honestly do not know how to stop that feeling!
ReplyDeleteHi Pat - I'm coming to believe that it's social media and the internet in general that breed this feeling of unsettledness. We have people sharing their highlight reels all over the place and it makes us feel like we're not living life as it should be lived. I'm finally allowing myself to tune that out and to actually ask myself what makes me happy - and living an unhurried life is at the core of that. It gives me time to fit in what is important and to have time left over to dabble.....being super busy running around everywhere just wearies my soul.
DeleteLove it!! I need to learn from you :)
ReplyDeleteHi Susan - just keep reading.... I'm a work in progress with this and write about it often because I think it's the key for a happy second half of life for me (and for many others from the feedback I receive in comments and emails) x
DeleteHi Leanne, I feel like I live in slow motion when I read about the lives of other retirees, but I am okay with that. I don't want to live anyone's life but my own. We all have periods when the delicate balance of our contentment shifts, or temporary priorities distract us, but if we know ourselves well enough, that's easy to fix and move forward. Sometimes it is as simple as giving yourself permission to sit and do nothing.
ReplyDeleteHi Suzanne - I feel exhausted when I read about how full on some retirees are. I'm happy for them that they feel the need to keep running so fast, but for me it's a different story. I love this ambling stroll pace of life - it's never dull, just quiet and peaceful. I feel like I'm recapturing what retirement used to be like before we all felt the need to share everything on social media. :)
DeleteWith every one of your blog posts I read, I am reminded that we are much alike. I dance as fast as I can trying to make everyone happy, trying to do all the things and do them perfectly. Always doing my best or trying to. I am the big sister, the once single mom who had to take care of everything. But my daughters keep telling me at this stage or chapter of my life YOLO, MOM!! I am trying to allow myself more time for the things I love to do...without guilt.
ReplyDeleteHi Leslie - I think we carry with us a certain degree of people pleasing when we are an oldest child - and a sense that we're responsible for everyone around us. I'm trying to be more relaxed about it all as I get older....it helps that my kids are very self-sufficient and doing well and that my mum is fine without needing me to play too big a caregiving role for her yet (time will tell with that one!)
DeleteHi Leanne, your journey continues in so many ways and it's always interesting to catch up and see how things are. The eldest child syndrome..particularly being a daughter, resonates but since acknowledging this in me, and living with a 5th born, I can ease back on myself and take some time out. In fact, when the voice begins with 'shoulds and musts' it's time for a kind word (after all this Inner Voice/Critic is doing what she thinks is needed) and say "thank you for this, but I am OK"...and that diffuses so much.
ReplyDeleteI love that notion that "I" am in charge even of that old old voice! And can resist getting caught up. But it all takes time, acknowledgment and practice. Denyse x
Hi Denyse - I married a youngest child who is much more relaxed about issues of control, forward planning, people pleasing etc. He reminds me that I don't have to have all my ducks in a row all the time, but mannnnn it's hard to not keep doing things the way I've always done them! I'm getting much better at releasing worry - that was a big one for me, and it helps keep my stress levels down by not stewing over things that are outside my control. And shutting that little voice down politely is key to living a more peaceful and restful life. :)
DeleteThank you for this posting. I have been coming upon articles and sites that are stating the Oldest Child syndrome of late. I am the oldest of 7 siblings and there are only 10.5 yrs between myself and the youngest (no multiples) and she will turn 50 this coming summer. I am 60. I have no children (due to a health issue on my part --that was very serious right at the start of my marriage). We have been married 25.5 yrs. Lost my job due to the health issue. I guess God had something other than that job which I had been at for over 15 yrs for me. A sibling was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and was not given very good odds of survival. She is still with us 20 + years later. Then with other crises that popped up (as they do) I was there helping. This is all in addition to tending to younger siblings and helping all my life--so much so that my mother would state that I did not have a childhood.
ReplyDeleteIn the last 6 yrs we have lost both parents. I still have the overwhelming sense that I have to make sure that the younger six are OK. Most are married and have families of their own. With the passing of my mother one sibling said now I am the matriarch of the family. No pressure there :)!
Self care is important because unless you take care of yourself you are unable to tend to someone else. I am trying. It is not easy. I have gotten back into acupuncture and it is something that helped previously and now does again. There are a number of other issues I have to attend to --sleep and relaxation are of utmost importance here. Something that does not come easy for me.
So thank you again for this posting as it put it forward for myself.
I don't think oldest children realize how much they take on board from childhood onwards. There's and expectation of responsibility, trying to please people and wanting everyone to be happy. I don't think you ever get rid of that, but you can be aware of it and stop yourself from being pulled into fixing everyone or propping them up. I like being responsible and I like that I care about others, but I'm learning that we need to focus on not draining ourselves for others. That was the key to me ending up in a really toxic work situation a few years ago. I'm learning about boundaries too - and ensuring other people respect them. I won't over extend myself to those who keep taking and never reciprocate. It took me until my late 50's to even begin to figure this stuff out - but once I did, it certainly reduced the self-inflicted pressures in my life.
DeleteI hope your sleep starts to improve and that you look after your own health and needs (and your husband's) first, then step out when you need to with the rest of the family - that's a LOT of siblings who want a piece of you!
Hi, Leanne - I absolutely love that you are a self-described "closet Taylor Swift fan at 60." That, amongst many other bits of wisdom, made me smile while reading your post. I love that you are living your life your way without apology. This is a ture inspiration.
ReplyDeleteHi Donna - I can't believe how I've fallen down the Taylor Swift well..... there's just something about her songs that sucks me in (and maybe the fact that she's the same age as my daughter and DIL comes into play too?) Still, I'm past caring if it makes me look a bit ditzy - anything that gives me a smile or engages my mind gets a thumbs up from me these days.
DeleteWelcome back from the parental housemoving - it's lovely having you in my comment section again. x
Leanne, SO much in this post resonates with me and you have so many spot on expressions that I just nod my head in every paragraph. I'm not an oldest child but I recognise everything you describe there in myself! I've been struggling a bit lately, been able to pick myself up again slowly but your post also helped bring some clarity so thanks for that. I have a lot to learn when it comes to living life on my terms and ditching the perfectionism!
ReplyDeleteI LOVE that line from the poem. So thought-provoking.
Hi Susanne - it's taken such a long time for me to see that perfectionism is a killer, and also that I'm allowed to just "be" and not continually try to earn my place in the world. If we can't do the second half of life on our own terms, then I'm not sure when we get the chance to - so I'm seizing my time in the sun, and I hope you do too, and that the struggles are in your rear view mirror soon. x
DeleteYes to all of this, Leanne! I too am learning to live less of a performance-based life and am loving it.
ReplyDeleteHi Christie - it's certainly one of the biggest blessings of no longer fitting life in around a working week. Less to-do and more to-be... :)
Delete