OWNING MY NOTICING
I love Ullie-Kaye's poetry (as you'd know if you've read any of my posts over the last couple of years since I discovered her writing). She often says what I'm thinking, but in a beautiful way that I could never pull together. A little while ago I read one of her poems that was about "noticers" and I realized that I'm a noticer - and that it's a good thing to be.
So, today I thought I'd tease that out a little and take some ownership of a quality that seems to be lacking these days - being a noticer....
THE POEM
BEING A NOTICER
One of the key things I saw about my dysfunctional co-worker when we met again recently was that she was still oblivious to my facial expressions and my feelings. When this woman jumped straight into conversation with the opening comment "you look tired" and then proceeded to talk around and over me, I realized that she was completely oblivious to all the cues that she should have been picking up on.
I'd like to think that I care more than that, I want to engage with people in a way that makes them feel seen and to feel comfortable. To pick up on what lies beneath the superficial chit-chat that we're all so prone to these days. I want to ask questions, to be interested, and to not be constantly talking about myself.... I want to be a noticer.
FRIENDS VS ACQUAINTANCES
Maybe the difference between friends and acquaintances is the quality of noticing that happens? I've always valued reciprocity in my friendships - people who are as invested in our friendship as I am. You can't be invested if you're not noticing the other person and interested in how they tick, what they're saying, and how they're responding. The few deep friendships I value the most are with people who know me and can read me - they notice when I'm happy or sad, they ask questions, they dig deeper. That's so important to me because it's about..... being a noticer.AN EXCHANGE OF NOTICING
Noticing isn't being nosy, it isn't prying into other people's privacy, it isn't being a sticky beak - it's being genuinely interested in the person you're with. I like people (well, most people) and I want to know how their families are, I want to know what they've been doing lately, I want to know if they've read or seen anything that engaged their mind and caught their interest. I don't want to talk about myself endlessly - I'm really not that interesting - but I would like an exchange of noticing. That's what real connection feels like to me.
Have you ever been with someone who talks endlessly about themselves? I have - and I'm okay with it, but I love it so much more when the conversation goes back and forward. I want to be present enough in my world that I notice the small things, that I catch the hint and can dig deeper. Don't we all want to feel seen and heard? I think this might tie in with my Word of the Year - "Mindful" - where I want to pay attention to who and what's around me - to be fully present, to be aware, and to be invested....to be a noticer.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Do you feel seen by the people around you? Do you turn your inner dialogue off long enough to listen when you're with a friend? Do you pause to notice the little things?
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An interesting one. I know there are some times when I need to vent, and other times when the person I'm with needs to. Maybe the key is noticing the difference.
ReplyDeleteHi Jo - I think friendship (a good one) is about balance - some times one may talk more than the other, but overall there's a sense of being seen, heard, and cared about. When every encounter feels one-sided then maybe there's a lack of awareness?
DeleteBTW, thanks for being my first commentor - someone else told me they couldn't get into the comments - so the internet gremlins are hard at work....sigh.....
Mmmm I need to ponder this. I am actually trying to be less of a noticer these days because I was (in my pre recovery from burnout life) someone who noticed and then carried other people's issues wanting to help, to solve, to fix. Now I need to notice myself more and be kind(er) to the person I am making efforts to be. I am not trying to replace me...but learn to live with a less worried about this that and the other (and our family etc) with a more mindful approach. I like to think I can do this but I also need not to allow myself too much 'ownership' of anyone's issues other than mine. I add, that while I am somewhat still recovering I actually don't want to be noticed too much as I feel a bit self conscious about being "missing in action" to help myself first. I m not sure if this makes sense and I understand you are mentioning that it would be nice if people were more aware of you too instead if it being a one way street.
ReplyDeleteInteresting Leanne!
Denyse x
Hi Denyse - it all comes back to balance again doesn't it? I'm sharing a quote on my CTH FB page today about noticing too much and your comment came immediately to mind because I can be the same - seeing too much in what's said, looking for what the hidden (or not so hidden) meaning might be, always trying to be prepared for what's coming next - it can be absolutely exhausting!
DeleteI want to manage that without losing the part of me that is interested in others and who wants to engage - to see and be seen. I think we can fall off that line either to be oblivious to what someone else is going through, or to be overly involved, or overly sensitive to what someone else brings to the table (my encounter with my ex-workmate is a good case in point!) So the learning curve continues - to be ourselves while growing and becoming who we have the potential to be. xx
Interesting post, Leanne. I'm hoping to be a noticer, and I'm very interested in other people and to learn about other people. My wish is that others will feel seen when I'm with them. I know that I often don't, and it's an unpleasant feeling.
ReplyDeleteI think how we interact is an effect of self-awareness and understanding our own behaviours. Because of "things" in my past I've always been quick to pick up vibes in a room and have probably spent too much energy trying to read a room to know how to behave, instead of just being myself. For the same reason, many times I'm not fully present in a conversation, too busy about how others perceive me. I've only become aware of this in recent years and hope to gradually learn to relax and become a normal, social human.
Hi Susanne - maybe it's a sign of emotional maturity when we start to notice what we're noticing? To be able to separate imagined perceptions from actual ones, and to be able to be more present without the critic in our head yapping in the background. I always feel the most nourished and fulfilled after a two-way conversation where I felt like I heard and was heard - that it was a sharing of connection. That's true friendship, or a true relationship in my opinion. :)
DeleteLeanne,
ReplyDeleteGreat post...I have been told that I never miss a trick so I guess one can call me a "Noticer"...I feel I inherited my Mother's Sixth Sense as I can sense things in other people or in certain circumstances...You know I love your Word "Mindful" and have used that as a Theme of the Year in the past...It does go hand in hand with my Word which is "Intention"...I hope you enjoyed your weekend!!
HUgs,
Deb
Debbie-Dabble Blog
Hi Debbie - "mindful" and "intentional" definitely go hand in hand - and they reflect that desire to notice who and what is around us and to engage in a meaningful way. I really want to be someone who makes the other person feel seen and who hasn't spent the hour or so of conversation just talking about myself. It's really not that hard to ask a question or two and to sit and listen - that's connection isn't it?
DeleteYour post has got me thinking Leanne. I’m definitely a noticer, it stems from treading on eggshells growing up around a narcissistic family member. I can read the room in seconds, who’s angry, who’s sad etc. This year, choosing mindful as my word too, I’m figuring out how to stop people pleasing and just be myself. I’m not unkind and I like to get along with people, but I need to also learn to be more honest about how I really feel instead of overly sensitive to others. There’s a fine balance there I think. Chrissie x
ReplyDeleteHi Chrissie - I think "balance" is the key word I keep coming back to with this - if you don't notice the other people and you don't read the room, then you really are bordering on being a bit of a narcissist. Nobody is so interesting that the other person wants to hear them talk about themself for hours! On the other side of the scale we can spend so much time tiptoe-ing around and trying to read the undercurrents - and in the process miss out on a simple and pleasant encounter. I'm trying to spend less time in the murky waters of people who trigger me, and more time with those who want to engage in a reciprocal way - back and forward conversation is lovely. x
DeleteI don't think I'm a noticer or able to read the room. Not the subtle cues. When I was working, I used to say that if I did notice "something", it had to be a huge deal! But I do want to work on my intuition, an inner awareness that might be considered noticing things. And to be more open in listening to others in conversation, that curiosity. So maybe in time, I might become a noticer!
ReplyDeleteHi Pat - I like both those insights - it's so easy to miss cues if we're not paying attention, or if we're worrying about ourselves too much, and it's also a problem if we go too far down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out the nuances that may not even be there. I want to simplify it down to just being there, present, caring, interested, and engaging in a two-way chat.....surely that's not too much to ask of a friendship? And maybe if it is, it's time to reassess how much time I invest with those who can't do that with me?
DeleteLeanne, the key thing you mention here is balance. One-sided friendships rarely last long. I am a good listener, but I also like to be heard, especially when the conversation is simply to catch up with each other. If there is a problem and a friend needs to vent, I'm all in until they've exhausted their thoughts. I expect the same patient ear when it's my turn. I like to believe I can tell the difference between genuine concern and curiosity.
ReplyDeleteHi Suzanne - yes, with age comes a little wisdom and discernment where we can tell if someone's interested or being a busybody. We can also notice whether we leave an encounter feeling satisfied and seen, or whether it was just an exercise in nodding and feeling like we interviewed them. I really like hearing what someone else is thinking, or what they've been doing, but if they don't feel like that with me, then I wonder if it's worth my time and mental energy. It's a tricky one...
DeleteTo me, a noticer is also a giver, not a taker. Unfortunately, I find there are too many takers in this world today. And not many noticers. [But I hope that may be changing as people lift their heads out of the sand to notice the world around them more.]
ReplyDeleteGivers are more the silent ones, content in their own life, but ready to aid others and engage with them. Noticers are also empaths: Seeing that there is more to the other person than meets the eye.
Many of those who speak endlessly about themselves in a "conversation" and do not allow the other person to speak are wrapped up in their own existence to such an extent that they are truly oblivious to the other party or to any who are around them. Those noticing this near and from afar recognize that fact and deal with those parties accordingly.
If we love them, we may listen with half an ear and yet remain in their lives in hopes of them recognizing themselves one day and truly reaching out to really connect someday. We live with their chatter in hopes of a brighter day.
If we do not, we usually end our conversations neatly and courteously without fuss and bother. Because to prolong it would mean wasted energy on our part and a meaningless continuation of what will never be.
Yes, I consider that I am a noticer, an empath, and a giver. And yes, I have had way too many takers in my life. Most I have set firm boundaries with over the years.
But I realize that some of those takers [and talkers] are wayward souls who are unconsciously seeking what they cannot have and cannot give, to the detriment of themselves.
For those few, I allow them credence to remain in my life so as to help them along on their life's journey. And also for me to learn from them. In that way, I become a better noticer, empath, and giver. And remain satisfied and happy in my own life.
Allison - these are such wise words and I think they add a lot to my actual thoughts behind the blog post. That feeling of being seen by others, and knowing you were heard by someone who was genuinely interested in your life - those are key indicators to me of valuable friendships. We allow space for those who are more into monologues (and I try so hard not to be one!) but they never hold the same place in our hearts as those who engage in actual to-and-fro conversation about commonalities and who care.
DeleteThe older I get, the more I long for those deeper connections - and maybe that's why I keep blogging....it gives me people in my life who are on similar journeys and can offer insights that casual acquaintances miss. x
That's a great poem Leanne and I like where you've taken it in your post and in the comments. I feel like I'm a noticer and like that I can often pick up cues in friends. I feel that I tune in to people but it can be hard if we then take on too much as you say! It's all about balance as you quite rightly point out.
ReplyDeleteI laughed as I read your post because when I was younger I once said to my family - I'm very noticeable but I actually meant I was being observant!
Hi Deb - I think you're very noticeable AND observant. Nobody could glow in those gorgeous outfits you wear and not be a little bit noticable <3
DeleteI think a lot of us in the blogosphere are noticers and that's why we keep writing - to engage, to be heard, to read comments, and to feel seen and heard. As much as I miss those who've moved on, I still love coming back here each week to connect. x
Hi Leanne - Very nice and relevant subject. And, a nice poem too. I think some people are noticers by nature, others cultivate it. Either way, noticing is a part of friendship because, as I see it, caring is a part of friendship, and noticing is part of caring. I am a noticer when it comes to people who care for me as well as I care for.
ReplyDeleteHi Pradeep - that was well said. I agree that some people have to work harder to be a noticer, but it's such an important part of friendship that it's worth the effort. I get so tired of one-sided friendships these days. Give me an interested and interesting conversation and I'm happy.
DeleteWhat a beautiful poem, Leanne. I believe some people are naturally better noticers; however, mindful listening...listening to understand not to respond...is a learned skill. I've worked on that in the past few years, and it has made me a better noticer, as you say. I do know people who only talk about themselves. Sometimes it's entertaining in the beginning...if they are good storytellers...but, for me, it does keep them as surface acquaintances as opposed to close friends.
ReplyDeleteHi Christie - you're right about the storytellers - they're great for social occasions and for small talk, but nothing beats a deep and engaged conversation. Superficial chatter is good for a short time (and necessary in our busy world) but connecting with someone who really sees us and who listens is such a gift. I would wish that connection for everyone - it seems to be a less prevalent these days unfortunately.... maybe social media has impacted it?
DeleteSuch a great post. I have been told br friends and acquaintances that I notice little things that others don't. I love nature and learning new things. Warm greetings from a retired lady living in Montreal, Canada ❤️ 😊 🇨🇦
ReplyDeleteHi Linda - lovely to meet you, and to know that you're a fellow noticer. I really am coming to see how important that quality is to maintain meaningful connection - and how draining it is when it's not present. Maybe it's another gift of retirement.....not putting up with stuff that we used to have to as part of being a working person? :)
DeleteThank you for the lovely poem you've shared, Leanne. This year, I really want to notice a lot more. In fact, I've started a feature on the third Monday of every month called Life, Noticed, hoping to record and therefore, be more mindful of things around me.
ReplyDeleteHi Corinne - hopefully those posts will pop up in my FB feed where I most often see your stuff and I'll click over for a visit. Life Noticed is a wonderful concept and reminds me of last year where I looked for three small delights each month - it refocuses us on the good in our lives. :)
DeleteThank you for this and the lovely poem. I was urged by the content about "noticing" to contact a friend who is a member of a small group to which I belong. She was not able to come to our meeting.yesterday. She said she was exhausted. Her use of that word was unlike her. Your blog about "noticing" made me decide to contact her after the meeting and ask her privately how she was. She thanked me for checking on her
ReplyDeleteOh that's wonderful Judith - and I bet she left that conversation feeling seen and valued. It's those small moments of paying attention that can make all the difference in someone's life - they cost us nothing and often boost our day too. I hope she's back at the meeting next time you get together. x
DeleteYes I think she will be. We had a small but a back and forth conversation. Have you to thank for that.
ReplyDeleteMy absolute pleasure - any heartfelt connections I inspire is a win for us all x
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