KNOWING ISN'T ALWAYS ENOUGH
Several years ago I finally (way too late!) discovered what a personal boundary was, and how important it is to draw a line in the sand when it comes to dealing with difficult and demanding people. I wrote a blog post about it because I thought I'd grasped the concept, had teased it out as to how it would help me in the future, and I had begun to put it into place. Little did I know how easily my line in the sand could be erased and how porous those boundaries could be....
A WAKE-UP ENCOUNTER
If you've been reading my blog over the years, you'll know I left my toxic job just before the pandemic, and it took me several years of recovery to reach the point where I felt like myself again - strong, resilient, and more capable of dealing with "needy" people and the drama they cause to those around them. How wrong I was!
WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BOUNDARIES?
As we drove home afterwards and I re-hashed it in my head (and once again to my poor husband!) I kept asking why had I allowed myself to fall into the same old patterns? I realized that, once again, she had steamrollered over me by genuinely appearing to care, but with no actual empathy or tact behind it all. I would never tell someone they "looked tired" as an opening salvo to a conversation - it's rude and it's insensitive, and it's subtle gaslighting at play - but I just stood there and smiled and tried to brush it off. It's small, and it's silly, and would normally have rolled off my shoulders, but coming from her, it re-triggered all those awful memories. Once again she was back in my head, and I was churning it all over and giving her more time and energy than she deserved.
CREATING A BUFFER ZONE
When my head cleared (it took the rest of the day because I'm a churner) I realized that boundaries for me can't be lines in the sand because they're too easy for someone else to step over, and they can't be brick walls because I want to engage and not hide in a fortress. Instead, what I need to imagine for myself is a buffer zone - space around me that diffuses the impact of other people's insensitivity. I need to be able to meet people where they're at, while maintaining my equanimity.
The older I get, the more I learn that some people are just not good for me, no matter how much I care for them.
DelightfulQuotes.com
BEING MINDFUL OF MY LIMITS
It's hard to admit that I'm not good at holding space around myself - I get a lot of my identity from other people. I have very poor self-differentiation (according to my therapist husband). I want to help, I want to listen, I want to build other people up; and I know under all that there is a little girl who's still saying "please like me".... I really want to move on past that, but obviously, judging from this latest encounter, I still have a fair way to go.
Self-compassion is one of the areas I want to work on this year as part of my goal to be more "mindful" and it begins with being mindful of those needs and what lies beneath them - I need to give myself grace and space when I feel myself becoming stressed or unsettled. I need to recognize what I'm feeling triggered by and bolster my buffer zone, and I need to allow myself to step back sooner than I currently do. To have a pre-set protective measure ready before I'm drowning and it's too late.
HEAD AND HEART SPACE
So, as I choose to be mindful of my own needs (something I've not been very good at in the past), I'm not going to build higher walls, I'm not going to draw flimsy lines in the sand, I'm not going to be rude, or impatient, but I'm also not going to let insensitive people spoil my day. Instead I'm doing a re-set, and a pre-set so I'll be more prepared for these awkward encounters.
I've asked my husband to stay close next time we're in the same space as this woman, to be my wing-man and extract me from the situation if I'm unable to do it by myself. I'm also going to be a little avoidant and increase my buffer zone to give me more space and time to step aside and manouvre - rather than feeling like I'm trapped, or that things are out of my control. I never want to resort to being rude or abrupt, I don't want to try to explain myself either - I just want to create breathing room while being mindful of who I am, and what my limits are.
Finally - this poem from Ullie-Kaye just spoke to my heart about caring while creating space:
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Do you have any triggers? Are you ever aware that your boundaries are flimsy or not effective in a particular situation? Do you have any tips for those encounters with difficult people? If you do, please let me know in the comments - I'm always looking for helpful suggestions.
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