Cresting The Hill

I'm sorry you had to go through this, Leanne. And glad you have your husband to help you process it. Boundaries are something I've been working on too. Thankfully, I haven't really had encounters of this kind, but social events where the people concerned are also present, do become awkward. I'm learning to live with those feelings, acknowledging them and telling myself that it's okay and I'm okay. Sending you every good wish as you work through this.

Hi Leanne
First of all, happy new year to you!
You're amazing with your total honesty about your experiences and how they affect you and this one in particular. I could readily identify with the interaction you had with your former colleague, absolutely a form of gaslighting in some kind of subtle undermining powerplay and have experienced it myself a couple of times over the years. It puts you on the back foot (well me anyway) and feeling inexplicably diminished when you don't see it coming, even more so, when it's not something you do yourself.
I think it's great that you are so self-aware and not only recognise when you are feeling rattled, for want of a better word, but that you allow yourself grace and self-compassion.
True strength! :)
Agree a buffer is wise, I know sometimes what also helps me is to think through (and say to myself) the kinds of responses that I would be ready with in future if I ever were to encounter a similar situation again. If I've thought through and then spoken aloud these thoughts in several different ways, then they seem to roll off the tongue just when they're needed! For what it's worth and I'm sure you already do that anyway.
Thanks again for being so frankly candid and hope you have a lovely week ahead.
Warm regards
Sally (from Masterton) :)

Hi Leanne. Thank you so much for this post and especially for the poem. It came on a morning when I'm feeling fragile and that my self care strategies need rethinking. The poem made me emotional because I have some difficult family relationships, which the words really spoke to. Thank you.

Hi Leanne,
Another wake up call for me. Creating boundaries is a very good thing for one’s sanity and peace. One must be intentional about it overtime in order for it to become part of one’s life style. Thank you for another interesting and educative post.

Leanne - you always write about something that really resonates with me, and this post was no exception! First of all, I am sorry you were so blindsided by that interaction; one minute you're fine, and the next minute, as you say, you're on your heels. I guess the blessing is you walked away with knowledge and insight that prepares you for any future interactions. I have someone in my life who 'pushes my buttons', and knows exactly how, when and what she's doing. She is a member of the women's group I belong to, and we both sit on the board. Avoiding her is not an option. But what I have (FINALLY) resolved to do is to 'keep the moat wide, and walls high'. But your comment about not wanting to be rude is good advice for me; I will focus on polite, distant courtesy. Thank you for that !

Hi Leanne,
I too am a "please like me" person because I come from a family of gaslighters. I have learned to deal with them by always including a healthy dose of distance. I even moved far away from them at 25 because I'd always felt as though I didn't fit in, and now I know why. I'm not like them. I don't boost my own self-confidence by tearing others down. This year, I'm practicing "authenticity" and not always feeling like I need to bend my personality, beliefs, and desires (something my family demanded) to fit another's. If people don't like me, it's their problem, not mine. If people try to tear me down, I move on and let them go. I consciously surround myself with happy people who love me for who I am.

Leanne,
I LOVED this post...I too need to create boundaries and as you know, I too worked in a very toxic work environment...after the last 2 years where I experienced significant loss of 6 friends and family member including my husband, I need to give myself Grace and create boundaries to stay away from drama, stress and chaos...Some people in my life like to create drama and thrive in it but I definitely do not so yes, I need to love then from a distance and I am doing just that right now...Thanks for sharing!! I hope you have a great day!!
Hugs,
Deb
Debbie-Dabble Blog

Hi Leanne. I've had a lot of time, lately for self-reflection, and although I realize I have set new boundaries, when it comes to past relationships, I haven't had contact with those people, to know if I'll be able to handle myself the way that I want to. I'd like to think I've changed, but like you, I may be triggered by certain people to react with old behaviors. Let's give ourselves a break, though, and know that it takes time to make these changes in ourselves, that we've carried with us our whole lives. Christina Daggett 🥰

Hi Leanne - Thank you so much for writing that post which deeply resonate with me. I read it and it felt like I was the one who wrote it. I felt seen and understood. Sorry to hear about the encounter but we're human and we are not always prepared to deal with certain interactions because we are not like them, meaning we are not rude and insensitive and we think before we speak. I had an encounter with a cousin where I had to defend and explain myself over and over and she kept dismissing my feelings. All I wanted was to share the hurt that I was feeling when another person 'ghosted' me. Instead of showing empathy and listening to my feelings she kept finding excuses for that other person. I kept telling her that she didn't know why that other person 'ghosted ' me and for her to stop making or inventing excuses for that person's behavior but she kept on dismissing my feelings and needless to say it didn't end well that night, She called the next day and after 4 hours on the telephone she finally understood. I wasn't looking for her to fix the problem but to just listen and acknowledge my feelings. And Leanne, that's why you're sharing your pain. You wouldn't appreciate us 'siding' with that other person and making you feel as if you're the 'problem.' I can' t begin to tell you how grateful I am that you share that story. It creates a deeper connection that in a sense tells me that you have moments that are difficult just like everyone. Having said all that I have to learn to stop caring for people who don't care about me and when a disagreement arises to be told that I am too sensitive. That's a big one for me. I also appreciate all the comments which were so supportive. I will refer to your post often when I feel triggered by other people 's actions. Thanks again for sharing! Just what I wanted to read today but certainly not glad that you had that experience who caused you such pain. I am with you and I understand fully. Take care! 🧡

Hi Leanne, A relatable post since I also either walk on ‘eggshells’ or try many coping mechanisms dealing with difficult people. Unfortunately, it is impossible to totally avoid them when they are family (in my case.) I enjoy reading your descriptions about a buffer zone and what boundaries cannot be - brick walls … fortress … since I just finished reading a highly recommended fantasy novel (a first for me, recommended to me by my niece). The novel is fiction and too bad I do not have their powers to deflect the drama and the needy personalities. You remind me how this is an ongoing process and almost impossible to entirely avoid the toxic personalities. Another good read, Leanne. xx Erica

Leanne, some people need to feel superior, and when they know which buttons to push, we, unfortunately, make it easy for them to belittle us. I always think of clever comebacks afterward, but never in the moment. It is remarkable how quickly we can come undone, especially when we believe we have everything in order. That happened to me during our brief Thanksgiving Holiday visit with my mom. Malcolm heard about it all the way home (a six-hour drive) - and then it was done. Good reminder that the work is never truly done.

Hi Leanne, I’m sorry that you had this encounter with the person who pushes your buttons. Over the years I’ve come across people who push my buttons, as soon as I see them I can feel myself getting uneasy. I think some people need to feel superior and if they know we are the type of people who are considerate and kind hearted then they manipulate us. Having a few rehearsed answers has helped me. A favourite of mine is to say something like ‘oh that’s interesting, what makes you say that?’ in a polite way. Force their hand, once they have to start explaining their comments they often wriggle a bit. At the very least it takes the wind out of their sails. They’re likely looking for a reaction, but I try not to engage or defend myself. It’s far from easy and as I mentioned last week I was going to use ‘boundaries’ as my woty until you said you were happy to share your woty with me, thanks! ‘Mindful’ is the perfect word for me, I’ve got so much to learn. Chrissie x

I have no boundaries, sometimes it truly feels as though I don't know where I am and the next person begins. As a result, I get sucked in, drained and spat back out again all the time. It's a pattern of behaviour that I'm never quite sufficiently in the moment to step back and observe, let alone change. It's always a hindsight thing for me.

Am sorry you had to have that experience. She certainly handed you a belittling comment when she offered "you look tired" . Quite an obvious negative comment she felt she had to make to be in the Driver's seat. That was her problem, not yours. File her away in the not to be opened drawer. You are my go-to champion.

Hi Leanne - Sorry to know that you had to undergo this unpleasant situation. It definitely wasn't of your making. You gave a particular situation a fair chance; and the moment you couldn't take it any longer you extricated yourself from that.
That should be the approach. While being open-minded, be conscious of how sitations develop.
When I was working, I used to get into such situations very often. Some of them just couldn't be avoided. So, I just tried my best to adapt and adjust. When I couldn't I just left it at that.
Since everything in this world isn't in our control, we have to adapt to the way situations evolve. That's what I try my best to do.
(My latest post: A Sunday surprise)

If you figure out why some people just seem to KNOW how to hit your triggers, please let me know! I've got a couple of them in my life at the moment and am struggling with boundaries with them both, as complete avoidance isn't possible.
Isn't it also interesting how in hindsight we can think of what we should have said/done in the situation? My reaction to her saying "you look tired" was to say "oh dear, have you had your eyesight checked? There must be something wrong" A little passive aggressive, hmm? Of course, "Bless your heart" comes to mind as well, as in, "so nice of you to care, bless your heart." it's a US southern thing, and it's kinda not very polite.. kinda saying "you're an idiot"
I'm reading more about intention and one of my intentions is to be less reactive to triggers... so looking at using my breath when I'm triggered. Easier said than done.
BTW, my last big trigging situation took me 4 days to get over.... you're one day is very impressive!

Hi Leanne, lots going on here for you and it sometimes feels like we take one step forward and two steps back! You're fortunate to have insights and access to your husband to help cope with things like this. I too am a 'churner' by the way. Take care x

Hi Leanne,
Sounds like it was a difficult and confronting encounter in so many ways. Her words were thoughtless and unkind, and clearly they were amplified by your history together.
I think most if not all of us can relate. We all have triggers.
And yet, I’d like to highlight how self-aware you are to have faced and processed this as you have. In fact I’d encourage you to congratulate yourself and celebrate how far you’ve come.
You don’t ‘need’ to do anything differently, now or in the future. You’re doing it all perfectly. As you would with a good friend, you can practice being kind to yourself and know that you did your best with the best of intentions. That’s always enough.
And the fact that this encounter ‘triggered’ you again is not a failing or a sign of how far you still have to go, it’s just a signpost along the way.
Perhaps it was to there to show you how far you’ve come, not to highlight that you’ve gone backwards. You haven’t.
Nothing’s gone wrong. You don’t need to be different. You stayed with yourself and met who you are now. And who you are now is a different, wiser person than you were ‘then’ (when this person had much more sway over your emotions).
p.s.I’m sorry, reading my comment through I realise I may have gotten a bit carried away!… I suppose it’s just that I relate so much to what you’ve written.

I'm sorry you had that uncomfortable experience, Leanne. It's a good reminder for all of us that healing and growth is a process...not one and done. I love the way you describe your desired boundary...not a brick wall nor a line in the sand, but a buffer zone. Thanks for sharing this experience with us.

Well...I was sure I had written a comment here but maybe in my head. Leanne, oh dear. It's tough when old (and very ingrained) triggers get activated. I am sorry it happened. However, look at the level of awareness you registered afterwards. That is both helpful and growth!! Take care, and thank you for your 100% support of my substack work. Denyse x

Hi Leanne. Oh how terrible to run into such a rude gaslighting insensitive individual! You did the right thing by retreating as soon as you could. I like the idea of keeping your husband close should you run into this person again. Now is time for self-care and reflection but not churning. Churning and people pleasing are ingrained in me too and both are qualities I’m looking to ditch this year. My sense of the situation is similar to yours. This isn’t a person you need to engage with beyond a polite hello, hopefully life is going well for you, uh oh I have to be somewhere, have a great day! Don’t let them get a word in and off you go in the opposite direction. This assumes of course you even want to recognize their presence. I’ve used this on a couple of gaslighters recently and it felt good not letting them have a chance to control or manipulate me. I also like your idea of wide boundaries and having a mental pre-set ready to go. It will put them on their back foot and by the time they realize that you’ll be gone. People like this gaslighter are narcissists and energy vampires and it’s been my experience that you can’t let them near you or they are only too happy to draw you into their latest drama at your expense. Keep up the good work on identifying triggers and coming up with workable solutions. Your mental health and peace of spirit is worth more than anything this gaslighter could possibly offer. I suspect they behave like this out of their own insecurities and self misery. But that’s not for anyone else to fix but them.