WHEN TOO MUCH IS TOO MUCH
I'm an oldest daughter - that title comes with an awful lot of baggage that I've carried with me for most of my life. I've always been the responsible one, the one with a plan (and a second plan in case the first plan fails), the one who over invests in other people's issues, the rescuer, the fixer, and the all-round juggler who wants everyone to be happy all the time.
When I write all that out, it sounds ridiculous, and it is! Nobody needs to do all that, and it leads to leaky boundaries, taking on too much, and burning out over things that aren't mine to carry.
MY MIDLIFE WAKE-UP CALL
I was in my 50's before I realized there was a lot that wasn't my responsibility to tote around, but realization and actual changes in my behaviour were not simultaneous by any means. It's taken another decade of ups and downs to finally see what is mine to carry and what I can put down and leave to those it belongs to.
The biggest push came from working with a person who had no filters and who drowned me in their drama and imagined problems. I was ripe for burnout with this person because I immediately jumped into wanting to save her, there were no boundaries about how much of my time and energy she drained - it was constant. That being said, I needed to step up and say "no" (something I wasn't good at back then) and then say it again and again - I needed to care a lot less and to not take on the problems that were her creation.
MOVING ON AND LESSONS LEARNT
Finally.....after planning to quit and writing my resignation letter three different times, I left that job and spent many, many months putting myself back together again. It was very uncomfortable looking in the mirror and admitting I'd been such a pushover for so long. It was humbling to see that I knew who and what I needed to be, but didn't have the toolkit to carry it off before I hit rock bottom.
That being said, I did learn, I discovered what a boundary was (still working on those!), I had a few mini revelations about what I was prepared to deal with and what was non-negotiable. I came to a greater appreciation of how valuable my time and energy are and where I want to invest them. My biggest discovery is that I can care about people without taking responsibility for them. Their choices are their own - I don't have to wrangle them into where I think they should be - I can leave them to figure it out for themselves.
KNOWING WHAT'S MINE AND WHAT'S NOT
Another lovely discovery I made along the way is how well my adult kids are going. I listen to others talk about the support they're needing to give to their children who are in their 30's and 40's and still making poor decisions, or dealing with messes that they created but need help cleaning up.
Due to some unknown magic, my kids are both doing well - stable jobs, stable marriages, stable finances, making good choices, living life well. I don't dread their phone calls, I don't have to figure out ways to guide them without stepping on their toes, I don't need to worry about them and what the next disaster will be....it really has become a case of lots of care but no longer being responsible for them.
It's the same with my day to day life - no more work dramas or responsibilities, no more one-sided friendships, no more financial juggling, no more health issues (for now!).... and every time I start to slide into taking on things that aren't mine to carry, I remind myself that I have the autonomy of being able to step back and choose whether it's something I need to invest myself into, or whether I should leave the issue for someone else. There can be a twinge or two of guilt, or the old pull to jump in and save the day, but I'm getting so much better at moving towards caring about what's truly important, and not picking up things that aren't mine to hold. It's such a feeling of lightness that was never part of my life until now, and I'm loving it.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Are you someone who takes responsibility for everything, or are you creating some breathing room? Are you able to juggle everything, or are you finding that it can be overwhelming to carry all the load and you just don't have the bandwidth for it anymore?
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