COURAGE HAS CONSEQUENCES
Making changes takes courage. No change comes without some kind of cost.
Often to gain something you need to sacrifice something else in its place.
It's been almost two years since I took my courage in both hands and wrote
my letter of resignation from a job that had slowly become a nightmare.
Anyone who read my blog through 2019 would know that I was at rock bottom
and it took a lot of time and effort to get my resilience back.
What I found in the process is that having the courage to make a change
will always have consequences - both good and bad. Looking back at the last
two years I can see that there has been a huge shift in my thinking process
and in my world view since I put in that resignation letter - and rode the
waves of fallout that resulted.
FEAR VS COURAGE
Over the last couple of years I've come to see that for a long time I lived
with a scarcity mindset, I put up with a lot of inappropriate and out of
line behaviour in my workplace because I didn't want to risk leaving a job
that paid well. I let my mental and emotional health take a battering
because I didn't value myself enough to stop and look at my situation with
clear eyes and a good dose of self-worth. Instead, I soldiered on and told
myself that "we needed the money" and "what would we do financially if I
stopped earning?" The answer to both those points was...... we'd be fine,
but I lived in fear and based my decision making on fear, when I should have
looked past that scarcity and focused in on reality.
When I finally stopped spinning on the spot, took a breath, and evaluated
my choices, I knew that there really was only one option - to
walk away and find some peace. But choices have consequences and those
consequences stay around for a long time. There's consequences if we
continue to play safe, and also if we decide to cultivate
courage and take a risk. I know which way I want to live - no more
fear driven decision making for me, I choose courage and its consequences
because that's more authentic and ultimately leads to much healthier
outcomes.
COURAGE AND ITS CONSEQUENCES
What I learned when I looked fear in the face and left my job was that life
didn't become fabulous overnight. I didn't have anyone rushing after me and
begging me to come back, I didn't have new job offers raining down upon me,
I didn't feel bright and fully in control, and I wasn't confident that life
would get back on track. I only knew that I couldn't keep living with the
consequences of staying in a job that was draining my heart, mind, and
soul. I needed to take back my life and reclaim my self-worth.
Life is never static. We can choose to stay in the same place - somewhere we feel is safe and where we know the rules. It can feel like a leap off a cliff with no guarantees of a safe landing when we look at making a big change. Those of us who are risk averse will often stay somewhere that's past its use-by date rather than risking all that goes with making the choice to walk away or to start again somewhere new. But playing safe isn't all it seems because safety can be suffocating, safety can mean missing out on new experiences and new opportunities, safety can lead to so many regrets down the track. So, be brave, you'll often surprise yourself with what you're capable of, and how good the new place is once you've settled into it.
RESILIENCE AND RECOVERY
Often when we're in a dark place or dealing with uncertain choices we're basing our decision making on fear - the future looks uncertain and we want to cling to what we know - even if it's not what's best for us or for those around us. Having the courage to step out with confidence and
to embrace whatever comes next is the key to regaining our "mojo" - the
resilience that has slowly slipped away. And resilience is the path to
recovery. It's taken two years for me to be able to stop now and then and
bask for a moment in the contentment I feel. My life is really good, I'm
happy, I'm grateful, I'm in a really pleasant place - I couldn't say that at the
beginning of 2019. It's like the old saying "it won't happen overnight, but
it will happen" - and for me...... it did happen.
All my life I played safe, and I wonder how many opportunities I missed out
on in the process. Reaching Midlife has made me braver, it's made me willing
to look at what I need and how I can shape my life into something that I'm
proud of and that I want to get out of bed for every morning. Not a single
day arrives now where I think "I wish I could stay in bed rather than face the
day ahead" and that shows me that I'm in a very good place indeed. I may
have lost my job, I may have reduced our income, I may have decreased the
size of my world, but I'm happy - so much happier than I was before I put my
needs first and started on a new path in life.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Have you made a courageous choice lately and did it have consequences
attached to it? Are you moving forward in life with a spring in your step or
are you worried about what would happen if you chose something
others might not understand? If you're wondering about leaving work or early retirement, I write a lot
about those topics and you can find them under "Early Retirement" in my menu at the top of the page.
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Hi Leanne, it has taken time for you to come to terms with your decision and learn to live a different life that is obviously without the toxic work environment. It sure isn't easy to have the courage to make the necessary changes in life. Change is feared by many and if you want to make changes sometimes those around you try to discourage you because they fear that they will be left behind and they want to hold you back. I've made some good and bad decisions in my life, like many people, some major changes have required me to dig deep for courage but I've also gained self-respect and self-awareness around my inner strength. #lifethisweek
ReplyDeleteHi Sue - yes it took a while for the dust to settle when I left that job. I look back now and think about what my life would look like if I'd kept playing safe and stayed there - I'd be a wreck! I think where the adjustment for me was hardest was taking onboard the idea that a phase of my life (a big phase) was gone and wasn't "me" anymore - but what would I replace it with. Discovering what I really liked and how I wanted to spend my time was such a new concept (I'd never had the space or the freedom to do that before) and now that I'm settled into this next phase, I'm so glad I made the decision to jump off that cliff - the fall was much more fun than I expected!
DeleteI can relate to this Leanne. I think it's really important to remember that sometimes the consequences of NOT doing something far outweigh those of acting. And of course sometimes there's the bandaid effect - short term pain for longer term relief.
ReplyDeleteHi Deb - yes you're exactly right. I've tended to not make risky choices for most of my life - and I think that means that there've been opportunities that I've missed out on in the process. When we aren't brave, we get stuck - for some that might be okay, but for a lot of us it stunts our growth.
DeleteSo very true but I think that you feel better if you show courage instead of playing it safe.
ReplyDeleteI do too Patrick - but it's hard to go against a lifetime of making ourselves small and making safe choices. Risks are bigger - but so are the rewards.
DeleteHi Leanne, that scarcity mindset really grabs ahold of you. I also suffer from it. I think it is a by product of growing up really poor. We always had just enough, barely. Money was always tight and there was never anything left over for wants, rather than needs. I was ingrained in that. The biggest fear I had when I left my job was that we would starve. Of course we did not! I notice that I always have fears around anything that involves spending very much money. My fear is that we will be poor again. I am learning that we are just fine and will have what we need and enough for some wants too. The scarity mindset has held me back many times as I let opportunities go by that would have been good for me but I was afraid. I am so glad you have been learning the same lessons. We are better and happier for it!
ReplyDeleteHi Michele - yes to everything you just said. I am really bad at letting go of the purse strings and spending money. I think having money in the bank helps me feel secure and it provides a buffer against rainy days - but in the process, holding on too tightly means missing out on the joys that buying something can also bring.
DeleteChoosing to be careful has helped get me to where I am now, but I look at those people who spend money willy nilly and I know they are living for the "now" - but boy they look like they're having fun!
I hope we both get to that point where we let go and enjoy the fruit of our labours - before we're too old to make the most of them.
Thank you Leanne ❤️ I woke up at 4 am here in Oslo, Norway and saw your mail. The reson for my sleepless night is worrying about taking next (BIG) step in my life. Your mail came as if I was telling you my doubts ( shall I do it, shall I be brave again, or shall I stay and "rotten" slowly where I am now) and you sent me an answer. Big hug, Marinela
ReplyDeleteOh Marinela I hope you're brave! I think sometimes our biggest regrets come from not taking the opportunities that come our way. If you've thought it through and it looks like it could work - then go for it and I'd love to know how it all works out xx
DeleteHi Leanne, I went through a similar experience when I left my last job. It was a really toxic workplace and it took a lot for me to quit. It was so hard leaving a permanent job that I'd been at for 12 years but I finally did it. I don't regret leaving but it didn't automatically cause my life to suddenly improve. My current job is even more physically demanding, but I don't have the mental stress I had there. Thanks for sharing, I'm sure many people can relate. Regards, Christina
ReplyDeleteHi Christina - I think so many of us have played safe throughout our lives - food to put on the table, family to support, and just not wanting to take risks. But sometimes we just have to step up and out of our comfort zones don't we? Especially if that comfort zone has become toxic and draining and not what we'd hoped for.
DeleteMy life isn't necessarily exactly as I thought it would be, but it has so much contentment and joy in it that I wouldn't go back and change a thing. I think when we don't take our courage in both hands and make the choice to move forward, all we're ultimately left with are regrets.
Hi, Leanne - I wholeheartedly agree that staring our 'scarcity mindset' in the face and refusing to give it the power to blindly control us takes much courage. I also retired from my job at aged 57. I loved my work, but there was a lot of it to love....in fact, an unending amount! I didn't want to wake up one day and realize that I had continually neglected the needs of my family because work always seemed to need me first. Although I am incredibly grateful for the career that I had, like you, I have no regrets about closing my eyes, taking that huge leap, and believing that I would be fine on the other side!
ReplyDeleteHi Donna - it feels like such a huge leap at the time doesn't it? But when we look back it brought us to the next phase of the journey and we'd have missed out on so much if we'd played safe and not leapt. I think back to when I was younger and some of the bigger choices I made then too - I've never regretted a single one of them!
DeleteWhen making a decision, Leanne, I always think of the payoffs and the cost. It’s my opinion that there is a cost to every decision. It’s all a matter of balance and how important the cost.,My next decision is about whether to go back to work or retire. Still mulling over that chestnut. It’s not time yet to decide so I have time. I’m pretty sure that when the time comes to go back the decision will come to me #lifethisweek
ReplyDeleteHi Jennifer - I think that's what I was getting at throughout the post - there's always a cost when you're brave, but there's a cost if you sit tight and don't take the next step. I think sometimes we forget that playing safe costs us a lot - missed opportunities, living in fear, worrying about the "what if's" etc. I like the idea of being braver and seeing how life plays out in response to making bigger choices. I hope your answer is crystal clear when the time comes to make that big decision.
DeleteFabulous recap Leanne, has it really been 2 years?? I love the courage quote and feel the same way. I'm not generally a cautious play it safe person but as I get older I'm becoming even less so. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and these great quotes. #lifethisweek
ReplyDeleteHi Deb - I think I've ALWAYS been cautious and risk averse. Maybe because our finances were so "fluid" and fluctuated a lot. I'd hold onto jobs, or choose not to do something that cost too much, because I wanted the safety net of some money in the bank and a secure life. It worked and the freedom I have now is based on that foundation, but I missed out on a lot of things by not taking those risks (you were much braver than me!) but now I have time and I'm going to say "Yes" to things more often and see where it takes me - look at my new scooter for example!
DeleteI was quite a risk taker when I was younger, but in the last few years much less so. I am inspired by your courage to reinvent yourself, Leanne. I think that image of your whizzing around on your scooter says so much about your willingness to just be yourself! ♥
ReplyDeleteI think I missed out on the risk taker gene Corinne - I always played safe and I think that was detrimental to my growth in many ways. I'm hoping it's not too late to make up for lost time - and my scooter is definitely part of that :)
DeleteYour titled lured me right in, Leanne. Your first few sentences apply to my recent life. Yet, I did not realize how making changes takes courage. No wonder, the slight anxiety. I often make a pro/con list, possibly similar to ‘good and bad.’ Goosebumps...’the cautious do not live at all.’ I have always loved the word “resilience” multi-layered, powerful, flexible yet yielding. I am greatly enjoying this chapter with you, Leanne. Yes, excited to get out of bed every morning and meet the day.A great post! xx
ReplyDeleteHi Erica - I think those of you in high covid areas need every ounce of resilience you can get! Being able to face each unknown new day and what it might hold adds an extra layer onto everything. My husband referred to a cost vs pay off list for each decision or choice we make, because both are always involved in the process - we just have to hope that the eventual pay-off far outweighs any cost involved in the initial choice.
DeleteSafety really can be suffocating. I recall the decision making process when we moved here - there was absolutely the fear of the unknown & the fear of having less, but the consequences of staying were to go potentially go backward & that bubble was already having health consequences for both my husband & I. In moving forward we let go of a lot, but I think we gained more. We certainly got our lives back.
ReplyDeleteI think that's what it ultimately boils down to Jo - what the long term benefits will be. There's often short term drawbacks and letting go is really hard, but I love that now when I look back, there's not been a single big decision that I've regretted. Those decisions may have led me down new and unexpected paths - but that's what makes life interesting isn't it?
DeleteYES... so much YES, Leanne!
ReplyDeleteWhen I retired the second time (it takes me time to learn lessons) ... I knew I would lose the relationship with cherished colleagues. I respected my principal and assistant principal and valued their friendship and wisdom. But I knew once I left the four walls of the school for good, our relationship would fade away. And it has.
BUT... like you said, I now wake up every morning excited to start a new day. I no longer roll over to press the snooze button for the third time. I am eager to see what new adventures await.
As an Enneagram 6, fear is part of my DNA :) But I am learning to control my fear rather than my fear control me.
Hi Molly - I never thought I'd see myself living the life I have right now (well not for another decade at least). I thought I'd be hammering away at a job to try to build our retirement fund and going through the motions each work day. The simple joy of having nothing planned, or just one thing on the to-do list for the day, still delights me.
DeleteI'm so glad I reached the point where I needed to be brave - I guess I could see that the consequences of stepping away were less onerous than those of staying and playing safe. My heart and brain thank me every day!
So so good to read what is almost like a "wrap up" post from these almost 2 years and what the takeaways have been for you. You are writing from a position of strength because of how you learned to be vulnerable and take those risks. Very freeing to wake up each day isn't it to think "mmm what shall I do today?" love that for me too.
ReplyDeleteThank you for linking up your blog post today. Next week's optional prompt is 7/51 Self Care Stories #1. 15 Feb. In this one, I am using the new category in my blog called Ageing Stories because it was a good fit. Look forward to seeing you there too. Denyse.
Hi Denyse - I thought it was interesting that our blog posts ran on similar lines this week - about choices and decisions and where they've led us. And yes, you're right, it's taken nearly 2 years to recover, recalibrate, and rejoice in the life I have now. Maybe if I'd overthought my resignation (like I overthink most things) I'd have been more ready for it, but I may have thought myself out of it and still been trudging through the quicksand of that job. I love that my days are now my own and my choices are so much simpler these days!
DeleteWow, Leanne! What a fantastic post!! You are so right about courage and fear. Courage is realizing the consequences, accepting them, and doing the thing you fear anyway. I knew from reading your blog what a huge decision walking away from your job was for you, but I don't think it ever sank in just how much courage it must have taken to take that big step. That scarcity mindset is insidious. It creeps into our psyches before we realize what is happening. I retired at age 60 and could not be happier! So glad I am not teaching during the pandemic.
ReplyDeleteHi Laurie - I have always been the careful one in our family - the one who watched the pennies and squirrelled things away for a rainy day. To realize that all that careful management meant that things were nowhere near as grim as my scarcity brain was trying to make me believe, was an eye opener - and it made leaving that job behind all the sweeter!
DeleteBased on the comments, it appears a lot of us can relate to what you've said here, Leanne. I believe it's true what they say, you regret more the things you didn't do than those you did. If you try something, and it's not a "success," you have learned something and your life has turned in a new direction that just may lead you where you need to go, so really it is still a win!
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly what I believe too Christie - I would have described myself as someone who played safe and small all my life, but when I look back I can see that there have been some big, brave decisions that have been made - and each has led me to a bigger and better way of life - no regrets and much gratitude when I look in that rear view mirror.
DeleteLike you, I made a courageous choice to leave a work situation that was toxic. The consequences are of course that I no longer have that salary. The good thing though is that I have far more time now for myself which at this stage of life is needed and very much earned I think! It's so pleasing to read how happy and content you are. I still have a way to go to achieve that but I'm certainly grateful for what I have and the fact that I could leave work and a chronically stressful lifestyle behind me.
ReplyDeleteHi Min - sometimes we miss what we have because we believe we would be better off in a different environment. I've wondered on and off if I should be hunting for a new job, but each time I see something pop up, I compare what that life would be like compared to what I have now - then I add in a few extra complications that the job descriptions leave off, and I would never swap what I have now for the grind of the 9-5 and all the stress and politics that comes with it. I think you're probably the same but there's a little glimmer of wishful thinking that may or may not reflect reality if you were to return to a full-on job again.
DeleteHi Leanne, A great reflection on your decision to leave your job and how your life has turned out to be so much better. You did it and it was the right move. Life is too short to spend your time and energy in a toxic work environment.
ReplyDeleteI tend to get excited about adventures and take risks. An example is in my mind I'd say "Courage brings results and Playing it safe has consequences". It's a tendency that I've learned to be practical and take the necessary planning before leaping. Thank you for linking with #WeekendCoffeeShare.
Hi Natalie - I think some of us are more courageous than others - those who play safe (me) find it harder to take the leap without overthinking it to death. For me it's the realization that playing safe's consequences are often far more unappealing than being brave enough to try a new adventure.
DeleteHi Leanne. Like many, I think I was much more willing to live by my courage when I was much younger. As wife, kids, job benefits, mortgage and home schooling the clan came to be my life, taking chances with the source of income became more of a gamble than I wanted to chance with. As the bread winner, I really didn't feel good about taking needless chances. My job was hard, but never turned into what you described. Bravo to you for doing what I might not have been able to do.
ReplyDeleteHi Gary, you're right about needing to do the necessary stuff to keep a roof over the family's head and the wolf away from the door. I think a lot of us spend decades doing what has to be done, but when some of those reasons leave the table, we can be offered a new adventure and need to re-find that youthful courage and take the leap. I hate to think of how many opportunities I let slide by because I was too afraid to give it a try - the sucky job was a great motivation to finally take the chance to see what the next stage of life looks like.
DeleteI think resilience can be undervalued, because it's such a slow burner, and almost by definition it takes time for it to do its stuff, and time for you to appreciate how important it is on life's journey. Obviously you have it in abundance!
ReplyDeleteHi Enda - thanks for the lovely compliment. That resilience took a huge hit over the years of having my daily work life turned into a full scale drama. I think that's why it was so hard for me to be brave enough to pull the pin and walk away. Scraping together what I had left and risking losing that income was one of the scariest things I'd done in a long time - and one I have absolutely no regrets about now - especially seeing that resilience has returned in spades!
DeleteI just pinned this to read again later. So good. I tend to be someone who doesn't like to take risks and plays it safe, but I'm working on it.
ReplyDeleteKirstin I was the queen of non-risk takers! I played safe because I thought I had no choice, but when life turns on its head and pulls the rug out from under you, it's amazing what you can be capable of doing - and the rewards are just waiting for you to make the leap. I still play safe, but never to my own detriment ever again!
DeleteThanks again Leanne for hitting the spot, you have a talent for that. I am pleased to say that our Elise has chosen your post to be featured in the next Blogger's Pit Stop.
ReplyDeleteKathleen
Oh how lovely Kathleen - I'm so glad Elise liked it and I hope others find it helpful too - I think it's something I've learnt as I've taken more risks in the last couple of years - playing safe can be suffocating sometimes.
DeleteHi Leanne, so much has changed for you in the 2 or so years I've known you! I'm so pleased that you've been on this journey and are still discovering yourself. A lot of my life choices have had huge consequences. Like leaving Australia to go and live overseas. I no longer live near my daughter and grandchildren. I miss my sister like crazy. I could easily rectify that by moving back to Australia, but then there would be other consequences if I did that too! I try to make choices that will give me an exciting life and new challenges. I know some people wouldn't agree with my choices, as sometimes there seems to be so many negative consequences of what I do. But I do enjoy living my life and wouldn't want it any other way!
ReplyDeleteHi Cheryl - your life has been amazing to follow along with - your courage never ceases to amaze me (including your latest home purchase in a foreign country you'd never lived in!) I don't think I could ever live on that level of bravery (and I'd miss my kids) but you inspire me every time I read one of your posts because you show what we're capable of if we're willing to accept the consequences - good and bad.
DeleteThank you for your kind words, Leanne. Yes, consequences are something we all have to live with. We also have to live with other people's judgement of our choices/decisions, and that's not always easy. I always try to do the right thing for me and my husband, and to live with no regrets, I think that's so important to.
DeleteI'm so happy that you have come to terms with your new life. I have several times in my life made big decisions. Maybe I should have played it safer a few times, looking back I am (mostly) happy that I didn't.
ReplyDeleteHi Maria - I think playing safe keeps us in the same place for too long - it might feel like our comfort zone, but it can stop us growing and achieving all we're capable of. I'm so happy with my life now and have very few regrets - and certainly none that would make me turn the clock back!
DeleteGreat post.
ReplyDeleteI don't tend play it safe. I'm often making choices that push me out of my comfort zone and into the stratosphere (in as safe a way as possible - if that makes sense). But then again, I have been in situations where I've put up with stuff that I shouldn't.
Yep, great post. Got me thinking.
Glad you've found your bliss xoxo
Hi Leanne - I've always been so envious of other women who are willing to take a blind leap of faith and who soar as a result. I'm much more hesitant, but man....when I finally get pushed or decide to leap, I never regret it. I just need to get better at not overthinking it to death first!
DeleteSo good to read this blog entry, I did the same six months ago, left a toxic work environment. Everyone asked why? It's not the right time, hang on but I had had enough. Now I no longer delay waking up as I don't want to face the day. Yes I miss going to work and the associated connections but it's OK. My health is more important than the false safety of that place where mindgames and politics were the name of the game.
ReplyDeleteOh I could have written this comment a year ago!! Playing safe, staying too long, putting up with other people overstepping my boundaries, not allowing myself the grace to walk away before I almost had a nervous breakdown......then doing all I could to try to jump right back in. It took a good six months (maybe even more) to start changing that mindset, to get my resilience and self-respect back, and to realize that the $$ aren't worth it any more - life's short and I want to wake up smiling - not dreading the day (or becoming a sour and cranky old woman!)
Delete