WHY IS IT SO HARD TO SEE OUR STRENGTHS?
I'm 60 years old and I still listen to the little voice in my head that
doubts I can do something new. Whenever a new challenge arises I immediately
think of all the reasons why it won't work out, or why it would be too
difficult, or why I'm not "enough" for it. That little voice has been
yapping in my ear all my life, but Midlife has woken me up to its meanness
and how it limits me.....I still hear it loud and clear but I'm getting
better at having a go anyway.
There's a great little quote from Erin Hanson that says:
"What if I fall? Oh but my darling, What if you fly?"
BECOMING BRAVER
Instead of letting that inner critic's voice dictate my choices, I'm
finally becoming brave enough to take a leap and see if I fly - because even
if I fall, at least I'll know that I gave it my best shot. It may not work
out exactly as I planned, I may decide it's not for me after all, or...... I
might just find something that adds joy to my life and grows me in new
ways.
Here's three little things that I took a leap with and they've brought
variety and new interest into my life in unexpected ways...
1. CREATIVITY
I've never seen myself as being particularly "arty" or creative. I thought
I had to be really good at drawing or painting to be creative. Last year
I discovered collage
and I've really immersed myself in it and I find myself making pretty
pictures from bits and pieces.
I love how they turn out and they bring me a lot of joy. I often share some
of them in my end of month posts - usually accompanied by an apology of some
type because I think other people won't "get" them, or will think they're a
waste of time - or roll their eyes at my assumption that they're nice. In
January a blogging friend called me out on my apologetic words, and helped
me see that my pictures are actually pretty cool, and I can own my creation
of them. Sometimes we need a wake up call from an outside voice to drown out
that inner critic's voice. On that note - here's what Lydia said, and below is one of my collage videos.
As for the art, one of them says it's a window to the soul (your soul?), so maybe don't preface it with 'they're a bit out there' or 'weird'. They're colourful and pretty and they meant something to you (an expression of a facet of you) when you made them. You're allowed to be proud of them. I think they're great!
Your inner mean girl means you aren't seeing them properly. It took me a very long time (because I had a loud inner mean girl) to stop thinking I'm not good enough/smart enough/ talented enough or whatever and start thinking "Well, why not me?"
2. WORK ABILITY
Another time that my "inner mean girl" told me I'd fail was when I
un-retired last year. With
my hip limiting so many of my pastimes, I decided to look for a little part-time job. My very first thoughts
were "Nobody will employ me because a) I'm 60 ... b) I haven't worked for
the last 3 years so I'll be out of touch ... and c) I limp because my hip is so damaged". It makes it doubly difficult to
put yourself out into the employment market when you have doubts swirling
around in your head making you second guess your own worth.
Taking a leap and
applying for a job
that seemed like a perfect match with what I was looking for was very
nerve wracking. Hitting 'send' on my application was quite
confronting.....but, the sheer surprise and confidence boost that came
with a reply and an offer of an interview, well and truly made up for
putting myself out there again. Getting the job, learning a new system and
terminology, stretching my brain, re-igniting my work ethos, and "getting
up, dressing up, and showing up" has been such a boost and a kick in the
pants to my inner critic.
3. FLEXIBILITY
The biggest fun challenge I took on with my 60th birthday looming, was
deciding to
buy a 50cc motor scooter. I'd initially thought about an electric bicycle but knew that I'd
probably not use it much once the novelty wore off. Instead I decided to
finally buy the scooter that I'd thought about for decades but had always
talked myself out of because..... "I didn't really need it, it was too
much money, I might not be able to ride it, I'd be out on the roads
without a car to protect me...." and a million other excuses.
I got my lovely scooter a couple of years ago and it's brought me so much
joy. I taught myself how to ride it on the quieter streets and built up my
confidence gradually, then I was off and running to the shops, to coffee
dates, to friends' houses, and off to the walk paths further afield. Even
with my helmet on, I can feel the wind blowing, the sun shining, and
zipping along just makes my heart happy. If I'd kept second guessing
myself I'd have left it too long and would have missed out on all the fun
I've had scooting around the neighbourhood.
YOU'LL NEVER KNOW UNTIL YOU GIVE IT A GO
We need to stop assuming things are unattainable and give ourselves
credit for being able to do much more than we think we can. I love it when
I surprise myself with a new achievement - and it's a great way to silence
that horrible little inner critic's voice.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Do you have that little voice in your head that you need to quieten so
you can take on new challenges? What have you tried lately that's brought some new joy into your
life?
RELATED POSTS
BEFORE YOU GO:
If you'd like to know when I write a new post, please click HERE for email updates.
If you'd like to comment but not here on the blog, feel free to
email me at
leanne.crestingthehill@gmail.com - I'd love to hear from you.
And please share this post by clicking on a share button before you
go.
Like you, I second guess myself, and for years have seen myself as just note quite enough. Then I retired, we moved 2000 miles from where I had lived my whole life (California) to the midwest. Joining a club in my new hometown specifically for newcomers has lit me up like jet fuel! I am flourishing, busy with the club, my blog, spending more time on exercise, hobbies and being a homebody. But since that voice is never deterred, I have developed a new phrase to combat it. "Be nice to yourself" I tell myself when the voice starts. Somehow it changes the dynamic in my brain, and has been quite helpful! I am a new subscriber to your blog and very much enjoy your posts.
ReplyDeleteHi Kristine - so lovely to meet you and thanks so much for taking the time to comment. I like your "be nice to yourself" refrain and I'm going to steal it for next time the mean voice in my head starts commenting. You've done so well to integrate yourself with a new community so far from where you were previously settled. It takes courage to step out and make new friends and to contribute - and I'm always so encouraged when I see other Midlife women doing that - it inspires me to be braver too. Now I'm off to check out your blog :) x
DeleteOh so fun! It can be so hard to go against that voice in our heads--- why do we all have them?! I guess partly to stop us from truly trying to do things we can not that would quite literally hurt us... but it can be so frustrating when I do finally try something I'd been holding back on and realizing that I just love, then I look back and think it was such a waste that I waited so long to take the plunge.
ReplyDeleteHi Joanne - I often have similar regrets - that I dithered over being brave enough to have a go - I'm always so worried about failing, or doing badly, or what other people might think if my choices etc etc. That little voice is exhausting and holds us back so often from what we might have achieved if we'd only had the courage to ignore it and have a go anyway. That's what I'm aiming to do more of these days - it's never too late :)
DeleteHi Leanne - This is one post that I really liked. A lovely one!
ReplyDeleteI am glad that you have begun flapping your wings again and you are flying. I wish you good luck and I hope and pray that you fly high.
Failure is a very subjective term. Even if you have "failed", the success is that you have learnt something.
A very nice scooter, Leane. As you might know, these are very common in India. It comes between a car and a bicycle. And most people in cities and towns have it.
I have two more years to go for my formal retirement, when I will turn 60. So, right now I have to find time for my challenging and creative pursuits outside of my office-work hours. I still manage to. But I am sure from 2025 onwards, I will have a lot of more time for myself.
Hi Pradeep - I'm glad you enjoyed the post. Scooters are much rarer in Australia - they're more a young person's mode of transport leading up to getting their car licence. So it makes me feel younger being on mine - and they are such fun to ride (especially when the weather is nice). I often think of the things I missed out on or delayed because I wasn't brave enough to have a go - even if it came to nothing. These days I feel like I have less to lose and I'm getting better at doing things that I think would be fun - rather than listening to that little voice that tries to stop me from taking risks. Retirement is such a great time of life - you're going to love it.
DeleteI love that image of you and your scooter - and the image in my head of you and your scooter scooting around. My inner mean girl is being particularly vocal at the moment...
ReplyDeleteI personally think that there should be a way to evict that mean girl - or at least gag her. She seems so intent on robbing us of moments of joy that we could experience if we were more open to taking risks or ignoring what we perceive as potential judgement. As far as scooting around goes - imagine me with a huge smile on my face, because it always brings me a burst of joy when I'm out and about (in between checking that nobody is trying to kill in me in their giant 4WD's!!)
DeleteI like the "inner mean girl" language you use. I too have that inner voice that tells me I'm not good enough, I won't be able to do it, etc. I think my biggest shutting down the voice was getting involved in crafting. I did a workshop today (fairy wands for planters - at my garden club) and a number of the women mentioned how good I was with working with the wire, picking out colors, etc. I've been playing with this craft stuff...kinda like you play with your collage I think. That playful, have fun approach has allowed me to just do it, to not worry about outputs being perfect or sell-able. "Engagement, not mastery" .... that's my response to my mean girl voice.
ReplyDeleteHi Pat - I think Lydia nailed it in her comment to me about how self-critical I was with my collages. Your "engagement, not mastery" sums it up beautifully - we don't have to be perfect, or marketable, or "amazing" - we can just have fun, do something that takes us to a happy place, and brings some prettiness, or some fun into our life. I think I'm getting braver as I get older - and more willing to have a go while I do my best to mute that little voice who I'm sure comes from my childhood fears - we're big girls now, and it's time to enjoy that :)
DeleteHello Leanne - another one with an inner mean girl which I am trying to silence but it is difficult as she has been a 'friend' for a few decades. I love your scooter - it sounds a lot of fun.
ReplyDeleteI think my mean girl has been with me forever Elizabeth - I was a child who tried so hard to be perfect, a teenager who struggled with trying to please everyone, an adult who isn't great at self-differentiation and not worrying about the opinion of others. I get so frustrated with myself at times when I realize how much I let that voice hold me back. I'm never going to be super brave, but I can try new things and enjoy them for their own sake - not for success or perfection.....and that's a win for me :)
DeleteHi Leanne. It's much easier for me to see the kind, creative, awe-inspiring person that you are, than see those good qualities in myself. As you once said, "I'm a work in progress." Sharing to FB. Have a lovely week. xx Christina Daggett
ReplyDeleteThank you for you kind words Christina - and you're right in that we can always see the good in others, but rarely give ourselves the same amount of grace. We need to remind ourselves that we're capable and worthy a lot more often than we do <3
DeleteGreat quotes Leanne and the reminder to be braver and stretch ourselves even in the smallest ways can make such a difference to our well being. Your scooter looks such fun to drive. They’re not so common here as we don’t get much sunshine :) Maria
ReplyDeleteHi Maria - scooters are definitely fair weather friends - when I get one of those beautiful Spring or Autumn mornings and I'm tootling along the road on the way to a coffee date, it reminds me how good life really is. We need to have more of that in our lives don't we? I'm trying to remind myself of the joy I gain when something new comes along and I'm brave enough to say "yes" to it.
DeleteLovely and important post, Leanne. While I’ve never been inhibited about making things - quilts, jewelry - I have been terribly inhibited about art. Still, bit by bit I’ve been giving it a go following art tutorials on You Tube. Your scooter is so cool! I don’t ride myself, but I am a frequent passenger on my husband’s motorcycle. There is nothing quite like the breeze in your face. I had never been on a motorcycle, and had never intended to, but when I met my husband all of that changed. I was 52.
ReplyDeleteHi Michelle - my husband has a large motorbike too (our midlife crisis purchases were on either end of the motorbike spectrum!) and I really enjoy being on the back of that - I have no desire to learn to ride it. My hip stopped me getting on his, but I could still ride my scooter because it's more like sitting on a chair (rather than astride).
DeleteYoutube is such a great tool for learning about different types of art and getting some direction - I used it quite a lot when I started collaging - to show me how different people do it and how you can have your own style and it's about enjoyment, not being perfect. I've enjoyed seeing your creative efforts on your blog.
Leanne, your comment to Jo about checking for the giant 4WDs trying to kill you is exactly why I don't own a scooter - yet! But, instead of giant SUV's, imagine little gray haird ladies who can't see over the steering wheel driving big sedans. I will also admit to green eyed envy at the image of you on that scooter. Technically, I could just park it in the garage during off-season and drive it when they go back up north. See how I'm talking myself into this...
ReplyDeleteSuzanne you'd love it! I was surprised at how much I've enjoyed mine. I probably only ride it about once a week to the coffee shop or to visit a friend, but I love being out on the road enjoying the breeze - you're certainly a lot more aware of your surroundings when you know you're more vulnerable to idiots, but I'm more visible than I first thought I'd be - no black or grey clothes etc. It's such a joy when you're zooming around - and they're relatively cheap to buy (mine was less than an electric bicycle) and cost next to nothing in fuel. Go for it!
DeleteLeanne, thank you for another wonderful post. You should be proud of yourself for all your accomplishments. I greatly admire you and you're the wind beneath my wings. I grew up with no self-esteem, no self-confidence and with very self-critical. The beauty of getting older for me is that I care less about other people's opinions. I wasted precious time and energy people-pleasing but now I am working on being there for me. I am still a work in progress but aren't we all? I start my day with the book Wake Up grateful by Kristi Nelson and Loving-Kindness meditation. I just lost my friend of 30+ years 2 weeks ago and now I have complex grief after the death of my Soulmate. Reading wonderful books about grief and trauma is very helpful. Your blog is like an old friend. Thank you for being who you are! Have fun with that scooter! 😊
ReplyDeleteHi Yvonne - you've certainly had a rough time lately and you must be so weighed down with sadness. I really admire how you're doing your best to work through it in a healthy way - not denying your grief, but finding ways to deal with it and still live a good life - that shows so much inner strength. I think we've both come a long way from those fearful, self-doubting girls that we were - but there's always a lot more growth to be had isn't there? Keep being kind to yourself and thank you so much for commenting and engaging - I love our "chats" xx
DeleteHi Leanne, great tips there! I love my electric bike and these days I think nothing of riding to the shops or the post office or the library and then back up the hill to home, so I understand the joy your scooter has brought you! I always have a great big grin as I hurtle around and I can imagine you being the same :)
ReplyDeleteHi Deb - I love it when the sun is shining and there's a light breeze - it's like the world is just saying "you go girl!" But even on hot days or wintery days it's still fun - although getting caught in the rain isn't my favourite thing. I often think of you out zooming on your rail trail with your bike and stopping for coffee. Life's good isn't it?
DeleteHi Leanne love this post. Last year my word of the year was f"lourish" and this year I added "joy" to it. I have jsut purchased a bicycle and a funky hat which is something I have wanted to do but condtantly talked myself out of buying. I am still wobling but hey I will get to ride that 23k cycle path over a viaduct that I have been longing to traverse.
ReplyDeleteOh that's so fantastic! I think women in funky hats are so cool and to be riding along a path that you love and have always wanted to traverse just tops it all. I'm so annoyed at myself for all the years I talked myself out of things because I didn't think I deserved them, or thought other people would judge me, or that I'd fail - I was such a wimp! I intend to make the second half of life much braver :)
DeleteYou really are so brave, Leanne, and I love that comment from one of your readers. While, I have become more courageous with age and experience, I realize I still listen to my inner mean girl too often. I am even considering changing my WOTY midyear from Grounded to Empowered. Grounded was right for me in January, but I am feeling a shift.
ReplyDeleteHi Christie - I think Empowered sounds really 'empowering' and there's no rules that stop us changing our word (or words in my case!) whenever we darn well like. The whole purpose of WOTY is to inspire us to grow and to challenge us - and I think you're ready for the next step - it'd make a fantastic blog post!
DeleteI know that internal voice so long Leanne and it ruled my life until I turned 50. I made the decision then to ignore that mean voice even if it was yelling at me. Ignoring it is becoming easier as I get older.
ReplyDeleteHi Jen - I think I started to figure it out at 50, but a decade later I'm still fighting the battle. It really is entrenched in me to always assume the worst for myself - but slowly, slowly and I'll eventually get there!
DeleteHi Leanne, I think you've been incredibly brave with decisions you've made for yourself over recent years - as per your examples! I have a dreadful inner critic and I second guess everything I do. I can also self sabotage myself. I do however, have an ongoing desire to learn and I do love that about myself. Ever since I left my corporate job I've been learning - I started the blog and started writing. The blog led to an interest in photography and I ended up getting a Diploma in Professional Photography. Now I'm into art and I've done multiple courses and am always watching YouTube tutorials and following artists whose work I admire. Life is too busy for me right now to have any aspirations of making anything of my art, but I still enjoy the doing of it and always more learning. Wishing you a very Happy Easter! xo
ReplyDeleteHi Min - I think we've both come a long way since leaving our jobs behind us and striking out into a new stage of life. Every time we tackle something new and delve into learning it silences the voice that tells us we can't. I don't care if some things stick and others are left behind, it's the fact that I had a go and that I didn't turn away because it looked too daunting or too difficult or I didn't feel like I was "enough" to take it on. You're juggling a lot right now, but still continue to share your art (and some of your photography) and that's more than enough for now. There's always tomorrow and the days after that to continue growing and flexing. Happy Easter to you too x
DeleteAnother great post about your learning about yourself and how you are making inroads into improving your relationship with yourself. I admit, as I get tired physically and emotionally (getting organised and then moving house....for past 3 months) my self talk changes to more a more negative one. I have to remind myself over again...it's not telling me the truth. Love the look of you on the scooter...something I couldn't do these days but I did ride a motor bike in the country once. Thank you for sharing your post with the Wednesday’s Words and Pics community this week. I hope, if you are enjoying a long weekend for Easter, that it is going well. See you next week, I hope. Denyse.
ReplyDeleteHi Denyse, it's always harder to shut the little voice up when we're tired or unwell. You've had a very full on few months, so I imagine it would be easy to get a bit down or negative. I'm sure you'll be bouncing back even brighter in the days ahead as you find your feet and spend more time with family. Getting out and about exploring is also a great way to challenge yourself as you find your happy places.
DeleteI love the scooter. I imagine there is one in my future too because I have a bad hip and now my foot on the same side is acting up, so it's nice to hear that its fun and see that it can be enjoyed with style. Great post, Leanne.
ReplyDeleteHi Shari - I loved that I could ride my scooter right the way up until my operation - and not too long afterwards - not having to sit astride a seat makes all the difference. It was such a feeling of freedom to be zipping around when I wasn't able to walk far. You'd love it I'm sure.
DeleteGreat words - so important to believe in ourselves.
ReplyDeleteThanks - it's something I need to remind myself of regularly - we're all capable of so much more than we think.
DeleteYour scooter looks super fun, Leanne. We have ebikes, which are fun, but we haven't ridden them since I tore my meniscus. We're going to take them to Scottsdale where it is flatter. We have some 6% grade streets as soon as we pull out of our little block-long street. I can't tell myself to be foolhardy. But I'm proud of you for pushing yourself beyond what you thought you could do and surprising yourself. You have a long way to go before your old and incapable! LOL :) Happy Easter.
ReplyDeleteHi Marsha - I was very tempted to buy an e-bike, but when I found I could buy a scooter for the same price, I went for that - there were too many decades of wanting one for me to not finally decide to "just do it" and see if I liked it. I figured if it was a bust then I could sell it and buy the e-bike instead. So far I'm having too much fun to trade it in. I hope you get to enjoy riding again once you're on those flatter roads.
DeleteHi Leanne, Thank you for your weekend coffee share. It's so important to recognize our own strengths, have self-confidence and believe in ourselves. I'm glad you're getting better at silencing that negative inner voice. Keep on having fun with your scooter and creative pursuits.
ReplyDeleteHi Natalie - I'm so envious of naturally self-confident people, I'm definitely a WIP - but I'm slowly getting there. Being able to recognize the mean girl voice and challenge it is a big step in the right direction for me.
DeleteAnother wonderful post! I'm going to remember "inner mean girl," because I think it will help me put my self-critical inner voice in proper perspective. The self-doubt has been hitting me hard lately, both with my writing and my career, so your words came at an opportune time.
ReplyDeleteHi Janet - I thought Lydia's term was perfect too - we so quick to compliment others, and so slow to allow ourselves the same praise. I've definitely struggled with anything that feels "creative" and I second guess myself all the time (much like you're doing), and now I'm making a conscious effort to be kinder to myself and enjoy the process.
DeleteMy inner voice is often very critical & very mean. I recently packed my vehicle & drove cross country by myself to move closer to family. The journey was amazing once I got started. Karen
ReplyDelete#Weekendcoffeeshare
Hi Karen - that would have been a huge undertaking and I can see why you'd have been a little daunted. Good on you for going ahead with it and succeeding - I think that shuts the mean little voice right up - and the more we do that, the quieter it becomes.
DeleteI love this post. Thank you for the shout out too. I do think women are taught (subconsciously) to make themselves small - never be too proud or outspoken. I've been talking to my husband about this and he can't get his head around it he says 'no parent will tell their daughter to not make a fuss if someone is giving them unwanted attention' and I'm trying to explain that it's not as simple as that but girls are rewarded for being quiet from a very young age. I think that's where that voice starts. There is a gif from supernatural where one brother says to the other 'Is that cos we're awesome? I think we're awesome'. I've started sending that to people whenever they question something they've done that's actually the new 'right' attitude. The fact they even doubt it was ok is alarming. But we are awesome, we just need to stop holding ourselves back - but for many of us, it's 50+ years of bad wiring to be over-ridden....And I look forward to seeing more of your art.
ReplyDeleteHi Lydia - I'm SO glad you found my post because I'll be forever grateful for you calling me out on my self-talk. I don't think we need to over-rate ourselves, but I do think we're allowed to be bigger and more awesome than we've been led to believe. My daughter and DIL are far more self-assured and confident than I am, so I think we're getting it right with this next generation, but for most 50+ women it's a constant struggle. I don't remember actual words being said, but I do remember the sense of 'being seen and not heard' or feeling that I wasn't particularly valuable. It's definitely hard to re-wire all those subliminal messages, but we've got the time to do it, and each time we compliment another woman, or call her to account when she undermines herself, we build new wiring and that wiring brings freedom and confidence - neither of which I'd truly experienced until the last decade or so - and I still have a LONG way to go! Thanks for cheering me on x
DeleteI'm a week behind in commenting, but I'm so glad I came back and read a few of the posts (I wanted to make sure I got to a few of my faves)...this post was so good and I can totally relate to the inner critic...uggh..I know I do this in many areas, second guess myself and then also feel like I have to apologize for things I love or think "I'm sure you aren't into this or whatever". I also struggled when I had to go back to work after not working outside the home for 17 years. "What do I know, who's going to hire me"...etc... I'm working on all those things, but that critic voice sure rises up soemtimes.
ReplyDeleteHi Kirsin, I'm glad you made it back here and that you could relate to what I wrote. I think we all experience that critical little voice regularly, and when we see how others are dealing with it, we're encouraged to be braver and call ourselves out when we notice the voice holding us back. Like Lydia said in her comment above, I think we're actually a lot more "awesome" than we give ourselves credit for, and imagine what we'll be capable of when we trust ourselves more and take on new challenges - rather than being too scared or defeated to even try.
DeleteHi Leanne, I started reading your blogs yesterday from all the way back to 2019. I left my job in October 2022, just shy of my 51st birthday. I too had a toxic boss ( who ironically is leaving next month from the very same job I left). I have been grappling these past six months with what to do next. I have taken a few free classes online and have done a few surveys as a side gig. I also applied for a part time opportunity that caters to people 50+. But, nothing has stood out for me and I have been feeling kinda stressed and depressed at the prospect of my future. The place I worked for was a government agency. Therfore I lost out on health benefits that I could have carried over if I had left at retirement age (55+). I am still able to collect my pension at that time, albeit with a substantial reduction). But through it all I really feel like I made the right decision in leaving. My boss was toxic to the max. And, although she is leaving , they were a few more people who contributed to that toxic environment (including the executive director). I guess, like you, I am in no rush to go into the rat race until I am truly sure it is the right fit for me. I have been frugal all my life and I am now reaping those rewards. Also I was able to get health insurance for free due to my circumstances ( At least for now anyways 🙏🏼). Hopefully I will figure it all out soon. Thanks for your blogs. They have truly been an inspiration. It's helpful to know others are grappling through similar situations than you and came out better on the other side 🙂.
ReplyDeleteHi Sandra - thanks so much for your comment and your lovely email. It's so good when you connect with someone who has been (or still is) on a similar journey - it helps us know we're not alone, and that we will get through it in the end. I look back now and I see how much stronger I am mentally and emotionally, how I learnt about boundaries and self-worth, and about not letting other people use me for their own needs. I'm a different person now to who I was a few years ago - I'm not glad I had to go through it, but I'm grateful for the lessons and for the work I did to get to where I am today. You'll be saying the same thing down the track I'm sure. x
ReplyDelete