
WHO DO WE GO TO FOR ADVICE?
I read this snippet from an article by Adrian Barich in our newspaper
recently:
Never take advice from people who aren't getting the results you'd want to experience.
I skimmed over it because Adrian is a former footballer and I was assuming
he was talking about sporting results and achievement. But, he went on to
say he listens to his friend's advice because:
He has a really good grip on life and its meaning, and is one of the best people I've ever met.
WHAT LIFE RESULTS DO WE WANT?
When I went back to that first quote from Adrian, I realized that we all
need mentors, people who are living life in a way that makes sense, who come
from a position of love, and who are growing in wisdom and grace. Those
types of people are my favourites - they don't big note themselves, they
don't define themselves by how wealthy they are, or by how important they
are - they aren't the big achievers that the world admires, they're often
just ordinary people who have an abundance of warmth and human
kindness.

I want to be one of those people - I want to be full of warmth, wisdom,
humour, kindness, gratitude, joy, love, peace, calmness....and the list goes
on. How do I grow those qualities? I think it's by spending time with people
who have them, or who are also on the path to developing them. Business
leaders look for people higher up the food chain to mentor them, sports
people look for more experienced coaches, so going on those examples, I want
to spend time with people who are living out the results I'm looking
for.
FRIENDS, MENTORS, AND EXAMPLES
As I move into this
3rd third of life, I find myself drawn to podcasts from people who are sharing their wisdom,
I don't need all the self-help gurus or the life coaches, I need people who
are living simply, and who are modelling a genuine quality of life that is
based on values that resonate with me. I'm finding I'm drawn to speakers who
teach about
loving others,
friends
who are settled and happy with their life choices, and older people who are
joyful and content.
I steer away from negativity, I don't want to be drawn into conversations
that aren't edifying. I don't want to be with people who are shining their
own stars, or who, alternatively, are constantly complaining about their lot
in life. I scroll past anything online that has even a whiff of anger or
judgementalism - I don't need that in my world. Life is all about choice -
and I know who and what I choose to build my life around.
I think Adrian actually summed it up well (even though I almost missed it
in my first reading!) it's all about finding people who are modelling the
life we want to lead, and then listening to what they have to say about how
they got to where they are. I definitely want to take on that kind of advice
- and as for the rest.... it's going to be water off this duck's back.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Are you good at discerning what's worth listening to and what you can
discard as not relevant? Have you had any useful advice lately from someone
whose opinion you respect. If you have, I'd love you to share it in the
comments.
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I tend to ignore most advice - no matter how well-meaning it's often from people who aren't living/doing/experience whatever it is I'm struggling with. The ones I take notice of are the show don't tell'ers - who are actually living/doing/experiencing it.
ReplyDeletePerfectly said Jo - and I completely agree. The people who freely hand out advice, or who think they know exactly what you need, are usually people who get by on bluster and talk - with very little substance to back it up. I like show don't tell'ers too.
DeleteHi, Leanne - The older I get, the more I am also drawn to people who are modelling a life and values that I greatly admire. Nice post!
ReplyDeleteHi Donna - I think that the older and wiser we get, the more we realize that we don't really know as much as we thought we did. There are a lot of grey areas that I'm better leaving alone and allowing others to figure it out for themselves. :)
DeleteWhen looking around for information on retirement, I find your blog very useful. Live simply, enjoy what you have and let go of those things that are no longer satisfying, useful or no longer serve a purpose. That’s the advice I get from your blog. Your blog is far more useful than those that think a person should try 50 new hobbies, live frugally or fill up every day with something just because they are retired. Thanks
ReplyDeleteHi Frances - thank you so much for your lovely comment. I'm so glad you find what I write to be helpful. I'm finding that retirement is different for everyone - but those who are doing lots of stuff seem to be the loudest voices. I like being an advocate for those of us who enjoy a quieter and calmer way of life - one where we get to live on our own terms and don't feel the need to prove ourselves to the world. It's a very refreshing and relaxing way to live after all those decades of busyness. :)
DeleteThere's way too much noise in terms of "advice" out there today, and it's exhausting.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree more with you about listening to people who are living simple lives and with the base in values that resonate with me. YOU would be one of the people I'd take life advice from!
Generally I only take advice from people who I know have the competence to know what they're talking about AND have a sensible attitude to things (not like today's extreme takes on everything), or who have been in exactly the same situation that I'm in but moved on successfully to create the sort of life I wish to have.
Hi Susanne - what an enormous compliment to think I'm someone you'd relate to and whose opinion you'd value. I think we find others we resonate with and know that their values and lifestyle are on a similar trajectory. We can do life differently but still have similar worldviews and priorities. I'm over all the influencers and opinion givers - I just want "real" these days too. :)
DeleteI've gotten better about not hanging out with people who complain all the time and gripe about their kids or spouses since I don't want to get drawn into that... but it can be hard to find! I rarely take anyone's advice and once I realized that I stopped doling out advice as well unless specifically asked for it. I feel like I'm doing a lot more listening, smiling, and nodding and am happier for it.
ReplyDeleteListening, smiling, and nodding work well for me too Jo - I find that I don't really have much to offer that isn't just common sense. If someone asks, I'm happy to offer an opinion, but I really think we're all just doing our best and don't need a peanut gallery offering critiques or comments. Positivity and peace are my goals these days.
DeleteOh goodness...you just articulated something that has been bouncing around in my head, and helped me see it much more clearly. I know understand why I am instinctively drawn to some people, and not to others. It's because of how they live their life; by being genuine and thoughtful, they "model" a life I admire. Really, very helpful! I was hoping you would include some of the podcasts you listen to? I'm not even sure how I would 'search' for podcasts that talk about this. Thank you for this post!
ReplyDeleteHi Kristine - I think a lot of the people who talk about how well they're doing life are often masking an underlying discontent or they have a need to justify their choices. I'm finding that people often talk themselves up (or talk others down) and are quick to offer their "wisdom" - but those are the people I have less time for these days. Give me quiet, thoughtful exchanges of ideas and conversation any day - life's not a competition or a series of ticking the right boxes for me, it's a quiet journey of discovery and contentment.
DeleteAs far as podcasts go, I listen to John Mark Comer a lot - he's a Christian pastor in his 40's who has pared everything back to living simply and coming from a place of genuine love and community. He has a LOT of talks and I tend to cherry pick what I need to hear more of - I'm focusing in on silence, integrity, peace, joy, and why we need community (I find I need to remind myself not to become a hermit!) He's on youtube and has a podcast too if you're interested.
I'm slowly learning not to offer advice or opinions without being asked. And even then, I question in the hopes of allowing that person seeking advice to come to his/her own conclusions. There have been some great role models & muses in my life. Most of them were unaware of their influence. Some phrases that resound in my head: 1) you have to know your place, as a friend said when dealing with extended family issues 2) sit with this uncomfortable feeling and see where it takes you, when I was going through a period of angst 3) something will happen in a messy life situation that will serve as a catalyst for change 4) unless you're a mouse in the corner, you don't know what goes on in another person's private life.
ReplyDeleteWow Mona - I loved all four of those pieces of advice - especially sitting in discomfort. That has been a big one for me when I had the falling out with my MIL - I wanted to smooth everything over so I wasn't feeling so unsettled, but I realized that I needed to stop pleasing people to make my own life less uncomfortable, and to take the fallout that comes from calling people out on their behaviour. I'm really bad at sitting on prickles, but am finding that it's necessary if I want change. And the lives of other people are so curated for the public that we often don't know what's going on in the background - now I tend to assume less and to compare less - it helps me to be more gracious and less judgemental.....both are areas I'm working on in my life!
DeleteHi Leanne, A great initial quote … and soooo true! Great point on how people show you with their actions, values, versus constantly handing out advice. Also love ‘ … ordinary people who have an abundance of warmth and human kindness.’
ReplyDeleteYou are truly one of these people, Leanne. From my perspective, it is because you are always striving to improve, to be better, to educate yourself. You remind me about ‘choice’ and how I want to infuse my time with the good, so I have the time and energy to enjoy the truly important moments in my life. Thank you for sharing another great post! xx Erica
Hi Erica - once again thank you so much for popping in and always being a voice of encouragement and wisdom. I really am doing my best to grow into becoming a better version of myself. I think the first half of life was about being all I could be for others, and this second half is about drilling down to what needs to be worked on for myself to be kinder and more loving. I've come to see that we can curate these qualities in ourselves if we become a little more self-aware, and willing to do the work to get there. Thanks for being such a shining example of goodness of heart - it's an encouragement to me every time you pop in. xxx
DeleteI don't shun anybody, even the so called 'negative' people. I believe that everybody has something to teach us. Very often, people who are labelled 'complainers' are simply people who need to be heard and supported. They are often oppressed and isolated. I feel the need to come to the rescue of so called 'negative" people because I have been there and the moment that I felt heard and acknowledged I was able to let go of what was bothering me and It enabled me to have a different perspective. That's why we have friends, family, therapists and support groups. People who have a good support system via family or friends don't seem to understand that if they consider themselves to be 'positive' people it's largely because of a good support system and their opportunities in life and it's not as simple as saying that everything is a matter of choice. I work with people who have endured deep traumas and they are beautiful people who are working very hard to heal themselves. I am glad to hear that you are blessed with a great life and I wish you all the best. Also, there are no such things as 'negative' emotions. All emotions are valid but need to be expressed in a healthy manner such as anger. Beneath anger there's a lot of pain. We're all human and doing the best we can with what we know. Sorry for the tirade but it was important for me to share how I felt because I feel that a lot of people live behind a façade and are not authentic.
ReplyDeleteHi Yvonne - I totally understand where you're coming from and what you're saying. I think people like yourself who have been through a lot of life's turmoils and upsets and losses are so good at being supportive of others who are dealing with issues. I'm not sure that I agree that negativity is a good place to settle and dwell in, I think we all visit that place at times in our lives (some more than others) and we feel like that's normal and what life will always be like. Then there are others who have been through difficult times and chosen to work towards finding the sunshine again. I'm no Pollyanna, but I do believe it's a choice as to how we handle life's setbacks and how we rise up from them again and again. It's so important to feel supported and understood, it's good to have people who care, but it's also important to remind ourselves that life is good and even if it's hard right now, it will be good again. I will never apologize for advocating for working through the tough times and finding a new place of joy and peace, while doing my best to encourage others to move forward when they can and in small steps when they're ready. I really hope my post didn't upset you or make you feel like you weren't heard from or cared about, that wasnt' the purpose - it was a reminder for me to listen to the people who care and to not be dragged down by those who have an opinion about everything but very little foundation or life experience to back it up. I hope you're doing well and that the year ahead brings you some goodness and hope and joy. x
DeleteHi Leanne - This is such a thoughtful piece! I completely agree with your point about seeking advice. It can always be helpful. It's amazing how much we can learn just by observing and connecting with people who embody the qualities we admire.
ReplyDeleteHi Pradeep - I like to think that we absorb from the people who are living life well - we don't need to be told how we should be doing life, we just need to see others happily being engaged with life and apply some of that to ourselves.
DeleteHi Leanne. I get a lot of comfort, from reading your blog, and I don't feel like it's advice that is pushed on me. Those that do that, I think, are speaking through their egos, and not a place of love and concern for other people. ♥️
ReplyDeleteHi Christina - I think you're exactly right about egos being involved. People with a very high opinion of themselves hand out advice and criticism with very little regard to the person they're speaking to. People who are covering up weak spots often talk themselves up too.....give me a calm, centered, peaceful person any day!
DeleteLeanne, thank you for your response. You know how much I value you and your blog. I also realize that the post was about advice giving and that I didn't address the questions in What about You? I have overcome a lot in my life and I am very proud of who I have become and I try not to give advice unless requested and even then what worked for me might not work for somebody else. I listen to what others have to say but the final decision is mine to make. The issue I was trying to address in my last comment was in regards to labeling people as 'complainers' because I feel that everybody has a right to be heard but I understand what you were trying to say. Absolutely no hard feelings from my part. Looking forward to your next post. Take care!
ReplyDeleteNo worries at all Yvonne - I felt like you might have been in a bit of a dark place and feeling a bit down when you wrote it. I think people who are sad, or depressed, or grieving, or in chronic pain tend towards complaining because life feels really hard - the problem is that for some it becomes their default position and they end up with those labels or are avoided.
DeleteMy post was about finding people whose lives resonate with us, or who live with an approach to life that we'd like - and see what works for them that we can apply to our own situation. The loud people, the know-it-alls, and the I'm-so-much-smarter-than-you people are the first to give their opinions, but the last that I listen to these days. I hope your week brings you a little sunshine and a few smiles. x
Dear Leanne, I am a new to your Blog. I feel I have found a wellspring of hope, joy ,encouragement and many other life lessons. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for such beautiful writings.
ReplyDeleteOh how lovely - thank you so much! You'll have to sign your name at the end of your next comment so I know it's you. :) I love this stage of life, I love the freedom, the simplicity, the joy, and how blessed I feel every day. With so much sorrow and hardship in the world, it's good to take a moment to remember all the goodness we're surrounded by and to be grateful for it - life really is good isn't it? x
DeleteFrom the comments above, this post struck a chord with a number of your readers/friends. I think most of us of a certain season/age are no longer impressed with how much folks are doing but more by the quality of the things they fill their days with. The relationships they have with those who (should) matter most. I think selecting the folks from whom we take advice is kind of like picking a hairdresser. Most of us would not have our hair cut/styled by someone whose own hair is a mess. That being said, I once had a family counselor who had grown up in an extremely toxic fam, with 2 alcoholic parents. She was probably an alcoholic, too, had been married and divorced several times, and when we were meeting, she was involved in a relationship with a much younger man who was dysfunctional and not good for her!! She also, God love her, had difficult relationships with her adult children, who had issues, and were raising their own kids (her grandkids) with oodles of issues. The old apple doesn't fall from the tree adage.
ReplyDeleteBut Kathy helped us through some very difficult days. Both of my daughters talked to her when they couldn't talk with anyone else about things in our family. She was real. And heaven knows, Kathy could relate!!
Have always wondered how clergy in the Catholic faith can offer advice about marriage and child when they have not experienced either. But maybe the best advice can often be given by someone totally removed from a situation? I tend to trust those who have been in the trenches, though, a little better, when I am looking for someone to help me figure out life.
You always write such thoughtful posts. You make me think. You make me question the person I am, the legacy (if any) I might be building/leaving behind. I hope if anything can be said about me when the last bell tolls, it is that I loved deeply. Big hugs to you.
Hi Leslie - it's interesting what you said about that therapist and how we're drawn to different types of people in different seasons because of what they have to offer - and it always comes back to life experience and authenticity. I get tired of people who spout off thinking they know stuff when they don't have the rubber on the road to back it up. Now days I'm drawn to quieter and more thoughtful people, deeper conversations, laughter, real talk, vulnerability, and just genuine friends who have "been there and done that".
DeleteThank you for your kind words about what I write - I feel like we've been on similar journeys over the last few years as we figure out what retirement looks like, how to relate to our family and friends, blogging, and all manner of other issues. Legacy and love are big ones for me too - something a lot of people don't think about enough. x
Good questions, Leanne. I actually get a lot of the advice I respect from other midlife bloggers. I'm sure at times they are not even meaning to give advice but just modeling a life well-lived, meaning authentically with love and intention. As for health advice, in addition to my own healthcare providers, I look to expert websites, podcasts, and the trainers/coaches at my gym.
ReplyDeleteHi Christie - the blogging world has been a godsend for me as to how to live this second half of life well - seeing so many examples of women over 50 (or 60 or even 70) living on their own terms, encouraging each other - not being invisible or sad that they're getting older. I really like that we're living our best lives and showing up to talk about it and to cheer others on in the process. Thanks for being one of those people. x
DeleteLots of great ideas here Leanne, those who are humble and don't expect to be rewarded or get attention or shout about how good they are, are my people. Advice for us older women seems to come at us fast and furious and most of it I reject!
ReplyDeleteI'm exactly the same Deb - I just don't have time for people who are telling me how I "should" live retirement or midlife or whatever - "you do you boo" is becoming a little mantra in my head when I hear people talking themselves up. I want the deeper and more thoughtful interactions that come from connection and acceptance - and I love seeing others being their best selves without expecting others to be doing life the same way.
Delete