REACHING OUT OR REACHING IN
I saw a quote a while back on Tiny Buddha that said:
On my darkest days I couldn't reach out.Let's stop telling people to reach out,And start to reach in.
It struck a chord in my heart as I look back on the times I struggled with my difficult job, and with another environment I was in that had become untenable for me. When I think about it all now, I spent too much time reaching out, and took far too long to start reaching in...
REACHING OUT IN THE UNTENABLE
During the years of my very difficult workplace situation, I talked about it too much to a few close confidantes. It felt like I was trying to vent the build-up of stress and frustration that was constantly spinning in circles inside my head. This was a form of reaching out for me, where I was seeking something from those I engaged with - some affirmation that I wasn't alone in what I was dealing with.
The trouble with that scenario was that I was looking in some way to be rescued from the mess I'd found myself participating in. I kept hoping that someone would offer me that perfect kernel of advice to solve the problem and smooth the waters. The problem with that way of thinking is I assumed other people would have insight into the situation that only an insider would have, they couldn't help me because they were in a completely different place in their lives.
WHEN REACHING OUT ISN'T THE ANSWER
I found a similar issue when I was dealing with the fallout from losing connection with a different group I was involved with. Trying to explain something that was deeply hurting my heart to others who had a different set of expectations and perceptions left me feeling like a voice crying in the wilderness. It all felt defeating and draining. Talking got me nowhere.
We're told to reach out to others for support, we're told that a burden shared is a burden halved.....but that depends on who you're sharing it with. If the other person doesn't understand, or dismisses the problem, then it feels like the burden is added to rather than reduced.
LEARNING TO REACH IN
Once I stopped looking for easy solutions to those situations from others, I found the idea that Tiny Buddha suggests was actually the most workable for me. I learned to trust my gut more, to stop looking for validation for how I was feeling, and to start taking responsibility for what I'd have to do to lift my own burden and move forward, I began to reach inwards, and I found there were three different aspects I needed to address:
1. Self-Reflection:
Reaching in meant looking at why certain things triggered me, but didn't impact another person the same way. I realized it came down to different values, perceptions, and expectations about life, and I had to figure out what my core values were to understand why they were being encroached upon.
2. Self-Care:
Reaching in meant prioritizing my own mental and emotional health. I had to say "enough and no more" to what was upsetting me, to draw that line in the sand and to step away physically from the situations that were causing me pain. It meant time alone and time in the sanctuary of my home - living a peaceful life free from chaos and upset.
3. Inner-Work:
Reaching in meant doing the work that was needed to get my resilience back. I needed to honour my own needs, I needed to create boundaries, I needed to stand up and be prepared to stand alone if necessary. I needed to put on my big girl pants and step up to what felt right for me, rather than putting all that aside to keep the peace and keep up appearances.
HOW THAT ALL LOOKS NOW
When I did that inner work, when I regained my resilience and my equanimity, when I started showing up for myself, life got back on track. The sun came out and my self respect resurfaced. Life became good again.
Here's another quote that sums up how I feel today after doing that work:
.jpg "Showing up for yourself looks like Having the uncomfortable but necessary conversations that bring clarity.")
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Are you so well supported that you can reach out to those around you without needing to do the work yourself? Or have you found it's a mixture of both - friends and self-care combined? Which comes first - the reaching out, or the reaching in?
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I struggle with reaching out, which means I sometimes miss the perspective of others and feel like I have to do everything myself. My challenge is to know when to reach out.
ReplyDeleteWe're all different aren't we Jo? I've always been someone who needs to talk stuff through (or write it through - hence the blog!) so learning to keep things more contained and to figure it out in my own way has been an interesting journey.
DeleteHi Leanne. I can understand where you are coming from. When Tim and I were going through family stuff, we were in it together, and we could support each other. Then came the internal work. I had to build up my self-esteem in order to get to the point where I was all right with me. I had to learn that the way I was being treated had nothing to do with me. Then I could finally move past it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. ♥️
ReplyDeleteHi Christina - I think it's vital to have people in our lives who are trustworthy and who we can share our struggles with. To balance that, we also need to do the internal work that makes us less "needy" for want of a better word. Nobody wants to be the person who drains the energy out of the room every time they open their mouths - and I love not being that person anymore! :)
DeleteThis is such a thought-provoking post, Leanne. And such a great question at the end...to which I don't have an automatic answer. I think for me, reaching in comes first but after that, it is a definite mixture. <3
ReplyDeleteHi Donna, I think I had to do a lot of work on myself before I had anything within to reach for. I felt that others had more insight than I gave myself credit for - what I needed was to trust my gut and my own life experience and build on that - then ask for help if someone had something extra to offer - I think that's the mixture you're talking about - balance comes when we get the mix right. x
DeleteA refreshing new theme. 'Reaching in' is something new I have heard, though we all have heard of 'reaching out'. For some 'reaching out' might be easy, but tough for others. However, 'reaching in' should be easy for all, since we are dealing with ourselves and not anyone else. The self-connection is so important, and from that stems everything else. For me, self-care comes first. Then friends and reaching out comes later.
ReplyDeleteHi Pradeep - I think you said it well that we need to have a healthy self-connection to be able to reach inward and find the resources we need. Maybe when our sense of self is low it's harder to find that centeredness that we need to move forward, and that's where outside support helps get us through.
DeleteHi Leanne, I know exactly what you mean. Since I’ve retired though and with reflection, no one knows better than we do about our own situations and how they affect us personally. I used to pour my heart out to a couple of my close friends and leave feeling that they didn’t understand my dilemma, which resulted in me feeling even worse. I’m sure that wasn’t their intention, it was me hoping for solutions that I’d not thought of or for validation for the way I felt. I read somewhere that we should treat ourselves as we would treat a good friend, I take that to mean being kind to ourselves and trusting our own judgement in tough situations. I think deep down we already know the answers, we just need to believe in ourselves. Once we do, our confidence grows.
ReplyDeleteHi - yes, I think there's a degree of confidence and trust we need to have in ourselves and our ability to address difficult situations and find our way through. I think I lacked that inner assuredness and kept talking about things in the hope that the lightbulb would come on and I'd find the perfect solution.
DeleteMaybe there is no easy solution and it's just giving us the opportunity for growth and maturity by steadily working our way through and building up that inner resilience? I'm hoping that the next time I hit a wall I'll have the inner resources to get over it without needing to reach out as often...
I think this post, like many of yours, is very pertinent and timely for me. I’m grappling with something and keep putting off even sensibly thinking about it for myself. Instead I talk to friends but am aware that I’m talking too much without really thinking how it affects me and what to do about it. don’t want become a boring drain either. I had thought that today I would sit down and write about it in a journalling type scrawl. Just let thoughts come up unimpeded. Having read your post I am definitely going to do it … I’m going to reach inside of me. Even just writing this comment feels good. So thanks. I really enjoy your blog even if sometimes the content makes me squirm as I recognise myself so much.
ReplyDeleteHi Gillie - if it makes you feel any better, having someone else say "me too" makes me feel like I'm not doing this stuff alone and I'm not weak or lacking something in myself to have hoped that there was an outside solution to a difficult set of circumstances.
DeleteI think we have an idea of what we need to do, but maybe not the courage or certainty to go ahead and do it. Reaching out is where we hope to find the affirmation that we're on the right track - but when they don't really get it, we're left back at square one and questioning ourselves even more. I'm going to trust myself more next time - and act with confidence rather than second guessing myself..... well that's the plan anyway. I hope your journalling brings some resolution for you - I'm cheering you on from here!
I so admire your strength and tenacity to see this life stuff through Leanne. Great going! Lessons learned the hard way seem to stay with us. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability, the times that were hard, and how you made things work for you with your own research, and learning. Denyse x
ReplyDeleteThis was so well articulated...I appreciate the step-by-step process you went through and shared with us. Like others have written, I recently went through a similar situation, and it took a little too long for me to recognize that my expectation was a big part of the problem. I still held on to a bit of confusion, and maybe a little hurt feelings, but at this age, I have finally learned to let that stuff go. My term (2 years) as President of my women's group ended in May, and I have gleefully jumped into throwing my time and attention at myself, and my mental, emotional and physical health. I will eventually get over the small degree of resentment I still feel, but am very much enjoying being the new President of my own, personal fan club!
ReplyDeleteThank you Leanne for such a relatable post For me, the reaching out comes first but as you mentioned if the other person don't understand or dismisses the problem, then it feels like the burden is added to rather than reduced. I can relate when you also mentioned that it left you feeling like a voice crying in the wilderness. Such a great description. I have been there so many times. Now I know that I can share certain things with some people and not others. Sometimes talking got me nowhere and like you I started to do some self-reflection, self-care and inner work. I am learning to rely more on myself than others for the reasons I mentioned above. Many self-help books have helped me a lot and certainly your blog has helped me also. Many thanks to you! Your post is just what my heart needed today. 🧡
ReplyDeleteWow J
ReplyDeleteWow Just exactly what I went through. Talking to others when I thought about taking a leave of absence to experience island life only prompted misunderstanding. My mother cried and said, "I didn't think you would do anything like that until after I died" Only one friend understood and did not think l that I had lost my focus. But I had a new focus and it was ME.
DeleteI have found great value in reaching out. Not that I take everyone's "advice", but often their perspective has given me insight into my own feelings, triggers, and boundaries (or lack of them). So I guess for me its a mixture - knowing my triggers, accepting my feelings, doing the self-care, but also reaching out for some validation I'm not alone, for different perspective, and often for some support and boost. Often others can see the situation with better clarity than I can, being so close to it.
ReplyDeleteIt was so odd also, when I saw that quote on Tiny Buddha, I read it totally different. I read it as maybe we should reach in to others, instead of waiting for them to reach out to us. And I thought about the hurricane disaster and how so many folks struggled to reach out, and how many people wanted to help but didn't know how. I did reach out, and was amazed at how many people stepped up to help. And they've told me, they know how to reach in for these types of disasters...what types of support to offer. Anyway, interesting how you read the quote differently!
Hi Leanne. What a thoughtful post that really resonates with me. That deeper listening to what’s inside has become so important to me
ReplyDelete