WHAT DOES COMMUNITY LOOK LIKE IN MIDLIFE?
When I was younger I would have defined "community" as a large and diverse group of people who I interacted with regularly. But, as I immerse myself in Midlife and seek out what feels authentic and comfortable, I find that community looks quite different to how it did back then. I'm finding that I've become quite averse to large groups of people - trying to find my place in a large group feels stressful and I always end up with a headache afterwards.
But does that mean withdrawing from community and living in isolation? No, but it does mean that I seek out what feels like a good fit - and for me that comes in smaller bites these days...
SUSTAINING COMMUNITY AS MY WORLD GETS SMALLER
I've figured out that community for me is lots of small commitments that I show up for regularly. We all need to immerse ourselves into the wider world at times, but we can't sustain relationships if we're hit and miss, and we can't sustain our energy if we're drained by too many commitments. I find that my relationships work best when there's give and take, when there's joy in being present, when there's warmth, and where there's consistency.
I saw a wonderful quote from my favourite poet Ullie-Kaye that brought this home to me:
CREATING RELATIONSHIPS THROUGH CONSISTENCY
So where do I find community that feels authentic and that feeds my soul? Where can I show up regularly and feel connected? Well, here's a few of the ways I feel connected and where relationship fills me rather than depleting me, and each is full of me showing up regularly and consistently because it brings me joy and makes my heart happy:
FAMILY
Our adult kids live in the city, we live in the country - but they are my heart. Keeping in relationship with them is harder than it is with my husband who's always around to keep me company. So, I show up for them by visiting, by making their visits here easy, by having our grandgirls each school holidays and creating little traditions with them. I never want a visit with our kids to be a chore for them or to feel like an obligation - I want them to be as happy to spend time with us as we are to be spending time with them. The empty nest can still be full if we keep showing up and loving our kids and their families.
FRIENDS
I seem to have a lot fewer friends these days than in my younger days, but they feel like real friendships with reciprocity and an easy flow. I don't have to work hard to be with those who are in my circle - a coffee catch up, or a phone call and I feel connected. I just can't seem to manage large group events, loud outings, parties, and big celebrations.... they just rub me raw now. Maybe I'm becoming more introverted as I age, but that doesn't mean I want to be alone - just that I want my interactions to be smaller and quieter.
NEIGHBOURHOOD
I love being part of my neighbourhood. I walk every day and there's always someone to say "hi" to and to spend a few moments chatting with. I like the consistency of being out and about getting some exercise, having time to think, and also being a regular friendly face - someone who always has a smile to share. The "payoff" comes in having neighbours who babysit our cats when we're away, collecting each other's mail when needed, knowing who to ask for a handyman recommendation.... all those little personal touches that make being part of a bigger community more personal.
CHURCH
I've been part of a church community since I was a teenager, and I used to be super involved and very hands on with lots of the background commitments. Those days are gone and there's less for me to do these days, but I can still show up in different ways. I can participate in small group gatherings, I can make friends, and I can say hello to people I don't know. I don't need to be in the thick of it all to still feel like part of my faith community, I can find my place and encourage others to find theirs.
BLOGGING
And finally, there's my lovely blogging community. I show up every Monday and share my thoughts, and others show up to have a read, to leave a comment, or to send me an email. I love that I have connections and my own little community that stretches all over the world. My husband says it's like having friends without having to leave home (perfect in my opinion!) Whenever I think about stopping and closing my blog, I'm reminded of all the joy I get from interacting with like-minded people and I just want to keep coming back.... now that's community!
SHOWING UP REGULARLY
Community begins when we show up, when we're regular, when we seek connection. It might look different for each of us depending on our personality, our stage of life, our stress levels, or our location, but it still connects us to each other and deepens us in ways we don't even notice. It knocks off some of our sharp edges, it brings out our care and compassion, and it feeds our soul. I might find it less easy to sustain in Midlife, but the investment is definitely worth it.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Are you a big community person, or is your social circle getting smaller? Are you still seeking connection and putting in the effort to show up regularly?
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I like the concept of regularity. It's why so many of us are up in arms at the moment at the thought of our favourite beach-side coffee shop being forced to close. Not so much because of the coffee, but the regularity and the socialising that comes from that.
ReplyDeleteI totally get that Jo - all those lovely little local businesses that we enjoy patronizing is part of what makes up a community. When they're closed or absorbed by big business it loses the flavour of the neighbourhood. I hope your protests pay off and you get to keep that little communal space. x
DeleteHi Leanne, I enjoyed reading your thoughts on community, and I like how you’ve discussed the different ways you participate in community. For most of my life much of my community was in my workplace; two of my best friends were at one time colleagues (many years ago). Like you I’ve been enjoying my neighbourhood community lately; this is the longest I’ve ever lived in one place and I like the feeling of connection, even if it’s sometimes just a nod and a smile on a walk. And recently I’ve been making new friends doing things that I genuinely enjoy, such as tai chi and writing on substack. Thanks again for yet another though provoking post. Sue xx
ReplyDeleteHi Sue - I had so many work and mum friends in my younger days, but time moves on and we all moved in different directions - very few of that era have lasted the distance. I miss how easy it was to meet new people and slide into friendships - these days it's a very rare occurance, but I do love blogging for the connections it's brought me, and I treasure the friends I have who have stayed with me over many, many years - they're definitely gold. :)
DeleteThe subject of loneliness and finding community as a new arriver: I am not the subject, but as a Barber I listen to many people's stories. A recurring theme is how hard it is to make friends (ie. have community) in a rural area. The subjects are a mix of ages from varied backgrounds and stages in life. Some have moved to the area to get out of the busy city/suburbs, some are newly divorced, some are older with no family around and dealing with dementia in their spouse or the loss of their spouse. My heart breaks for their loneliness and struggle to learn how to find friendships and a sense of community. I don't have much to offer to this conversation in terms of suggestions or advice but just wanted to share my awareness of a deep problem i am seeing in society as a whole: we've grown very distant from each other and so many families have become divided. It's a sad state when people - who by nature are social 'animals', are lonely. I wonder, as a society - how we got here and what we do? But on a smaller, local scale, I wonder if there is some way I can help? Can't there be a way to connect people seeking companionship and friendship if there are so many people seeking it? NOT a dating service but a way for people to find their tribe, to share their skills/hobbies/stories with others who seek/share the same? .....It seems such a basic need that goes unfilled for so many.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, your comment deeply resonates with me. I moved here 20 or so years ago and I find it very difficult to make friends. There's absolutely no sense of community here. Very often, people won't even respond to a simple greeting. Neighbors don't even say hello. I am the type of person who smiles at people, ask how they are and reach out to others but it seems that nowadays, that's being seen as an invasion. In other words, I see people and I acknowledge them. That's the way I was brought up and I find it very difficult living here. You are made to feel that you don't belong because you come from elsewhere. I see ' regulars' at the coffee shop or at the dog park but it stops there. People are content with their family and the friends they have and have no intention of enlarging that circle which is sad. So many people and yet so little connection. I appreciate your comment. I feel understood. I would love to move to the countryside.
DeleteAnonymous, I would be so happy to meet some of those people even though they probably not from this country, which is Canada.
DeleteCommunity - a favorite word. Pre-retirement, I worked as a "community" health nurse, nomenclature that evolved from "public" health nurse. Like you, I have many communities, like concentric circles based on geography & time spent, i.e. family, work, neighbors, virtual, etc. I'm reminded of my aunt who relocated to this small town from a large urban center; she commented on how lovely it was to walk down the street & be greeted by name. It contributes to a feeling of home & belonging. I've grown up in this rural community & some of my neighbors are like family to me. I often say that these people who may gossip about me are the same people who show up when the chips are done to put wind beneath my wings. Like a BIL is known for, just show up.
ReplyDeleteYou are very fortunate!
DeleteHello Leanne - Thank you for another relevant post. As I explained to Anonymous (see above) there's no sense of community here. I am the type of person who always reaches out to others but people are not interested in making new friends. They are content with their family, their friends and their cellphone. They hardly respond to a greeting and not interested in knowing a newcomer. If you're not from the area, you are made to feel like an outsider. The close and dear friends I had have all passed away (I am your age) and I miss them everyday. Connection is so important, especially now, in this society. It was much easier to make friends years ago. Like you, I prefer simple friendships and small gatherings. I don't have the energy for more than that. I also avoid crowds which are draining. I agree with everything you wrote except that I understand that you're a lot like the people I mentioned, not wanting to enlarge your circle and that's why so many people have a difficult time making friends. I also understand that you have a limited amount of energy and can't be friends with the whole world. It's not a criticism but that is one of the factors that makes it difficult to make friends. You're very fortunate to have your husband, children, grandchildren and you small group of friends but it's not the case for a lot of people. I had tremendous losses in my life and I cherish people because here one day, gone the next. Your blog is one thing that I look forward to on Monday morning. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteSo agree with your comment, "I find that my relationships work best when there's give and take, when there's joy in being present, when there's warmth, and where there's consistency." This is true for me whether I am on my regular beach walk in the early morning or in my virtual space across the globe.
ReplyDelete