WHAT DOES COMMUNITY LOOK LIKE IN MIDLIFE?
When I was younger I would have defined "community" as a large and diverse group of people who I interacted with regularly. But, as I immerse myself in Midlife and seek out what feels authentic and comfortable, I find that community looks quite different to how it did back then. I'm finding that I've become quite averse to large groups of people - trying to find my place in a large group feels stressful and I always end up with a headache afterwards.
But does that mean withdrawing from community and living in isolation? No, but it does mean that I seek out what feels like a good fit - and for me that comes in smaller bites these days...
SUSTAINING COMMUNITY AS MY WORLD GETS SMALLER
I've figured out that community for me is lots of small commitments that I show up for regularly. We all need to immerse ourselves into the wider world at times, but we can't sustain relationships if we're hit and miss, and we can't sustain our energy if we're drained by too many commitments. I find that my relationships work best when there's give and take, when there's joy in being present, when there's warmth, and where there's consistency.
I saw a wonderful quote from my favourite poet Ullie-Kaye that brought this home to me:
CREATING RELATIONSHIPS THROUGH CONSISTENCY
So where do I find community that feels authentic and that feeds my soul? Where can I show up regularly and feel connected? Well, here's a few of the ways I feel connected and where relationship fills me rather than depleting me, and each is full of me showing up regularly and consistently because it brings me joy and makes my heart happy:
FAMILY
Our adult kids live in the city, we live in the country - but they are my heart. Keeping in relationship with them is harder than it is with my husband who's always around to keep me company. So, I show up for them by visiting, by making their visits here easy, by having our grandgirls each school holidays and creating little traditions with them. I never want a visit with our kids to be a chore for them or to feel like an obligation - I want them to be as happy to spend time with us as we are to be spending time with them. The empty nest can still be full if we keep showing up and loving our kids and their families.
FRIENDS
I seem to have a lot fewer friends these days than in my younger days, but they feel like real friendships with reciprocity and an easy flow. I don't have to work hard to be with those who are in my circle - a coffee catch up, or a phone call and I feel connected. I just can't seem to manage large group events, loud outings, parties, and big celebrations.... they just rub me raw now. Maybe I'm becoming more introverted as I age, but that doesn't mean I want to be alone - just that I want my interactions to be smaller and quieter.
NEIGHBOURHOOD
I love being part of my neighbourhood. I walk every day and there's always someone to say "hi" to and to spend a few moments chatting with. I like the consistency of being out and about getting some exercise, having time to think, and also being a regular friendly face - someone who always has a smile to share. The "payoff" comes in having neighbours who babysit our cats when we're away, collecting each other's mail when needed, knowing who to ask for a handyman recommendation.... all those little personal touches that make being part of a bigger community more personal.
CHURCH
I've been part of a church community since I was a teenager, and I used to be super involved and very hands on with lots of the background commitments. Those days are gone and there's less for me to do these days, but I can still show up in different ways. I can participate in small group gatherings, I can make friends, and I can say hello to people I don't know. I don't need to be in the thick of it all to still feel like part of my faith community, I can find my place and encourage others to find theirs.
BLOGGING
And finally, there's my lovely blogging community. I show up every Monday and share my thoughts, and others show up to have a read, to leave a comment, or to send me an email. I love that I have connections and my own little community that stretches all over the world. My husband says it's like having friends without having to leave home (perfect in my opinion!) Whenever I think about stopping and closing my blog, I'm reminded of all the joy I get from interacting with like-minded people and I just want to keep coming back.... now that's community!
SHOWING UP REGULARLY
Community begins when we show up, when we're regular, when we seek connection. It might look different for each of us depending on our personality, our stage of life, our stress levels, or our location, but it still connects us to each other and deepens us in ways we don't even notice. It knocks off some of our sharp edges, it brings out our care and compassion, and it feeds our soul. I might find it less easy to sustain in Midlife, but the investment is definitely worth it.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Are you a big community person, or is your social circle getting smaller? Are you still seeking connection and putting in the effort to show up regularly?
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I like the concept of regularity. It's why so many of us are up in arms at the moment at the thought of our favourite beach-side coffee shop being forced to close. Not so much because of the coffee, but the regularity and the socialising that comes from that.
ReplyDeleteI totally get that Jo - all those lovely little local businesses that we enjoy patronizing is part of what makes up a community. When they're closed or absorbed by big business it loses the flavour of the neighbourhood. I hope your protests pay off and you get to keep that little communal space. x
DeleteHi Leanne, I enjoyed reading your thoughts on community, and I like how you’ve discussed the different ways you participate in community. For most of my life much of my community was in my workplace; two of my best friends were at one time colleagues (many years ago). Like you I’ve been enjoying my neighbourhood community lately; this is the longest I’ve ever lived in one place and I like the feeling of connection, even if it’s sometimes just a nod and a smile on a walk. And recently I’ve been making new friends doing things that I genuinely enjoy, such as tai chi and writing on substack. Thanks again for yet another though provoking post. Sue xx
ReplyDeleteHi Sue - I had so many work and mum friends in my younger days, but time moves on and we all moved in different directions - very few of that era have lasted the distance. I miss how easy it was to meet new people and slide into friendships - these days it's a very rare occurance, but I do love blogging for the connections it's brought me, and I treasure the friends I have who have stayed with me over many, many years - they're definitely gold. :)
DeleteThe subject of loneliness and finding community as a new arriver: I am not the subject, but as a Barber I listen to many people's stories. A recurring theme is how hard it is to make friends (ie. have community) in a rural area. The subjects are a mix of ages from varied backgrounds and stages in life. Some have moved to the area to get out of the busy city/suburbs, some are newly divorced, some are older with no family around and dealing with dementia in their spouse or the loss of their spouse. My heart breaks for their loneliness and struggle to learn how to find friendships and a sense of community. I don't have much to offer to this conversation in terms of suggestions or advice but just wanted to share my awareness of a deep problem i am seeing in society as a whole: we've grown very distant from each other and so many families have become divided. It's a sad state when people - who by nature are social 'animals', are lonely. I wonder, as a society - how we got here and what we do? But on a smaller, local scale, I wonder if there is some way I can help? Can't there be a way to connect people seeking companionship and friendship if there are so many people seeking it? NOT a dating service but a way for people to find their tribe, to share their skills/hobbies/stories with others who seek/share the same? .....It seems such a basic need that goes unfilled for so many.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, your comment deeply resonates with me. I moved here 20 or so years ago and I find it very difficult to make friends. There's absolutely no sense of community here. Very often, people won't even respond to a simple greeting. Neighbors don't even say hello. I am the type of person who smiles at people, ask how they are and reach out to others but it seems that nowadays, that's being seen as an invasion. In other words, I see people and I acknowledge them. That's the way I was brought up and I find it very difficult living here. You are made to feel that you don't belong because you come from elsewhere. I see ' regulars' at the coffee shop or at the dog park but it stops there. People are content with their family and the friends they have and have no intention of enlarging that circle which is sad. So many people and yet so little connection. I appreciate your comment. I feel understood. I would love to move to the countryside.
DeleteAnonymous, I would be so happy to meet some of those people even though they probably not from this country, which is Canada.
DeleteSuch an interesting comment and thank you so much Anonymous - and for having the compassion to hear what lies under the casual conversations you have each day. Meeting and getting beyond the superficial chit-chat seems to get harder as we get older - we don't have those natural meeting points anymore (work, kids friends' parents, sporting groups, evening social events etc). It becomes easier to stay at home - and the internet clouds the fact that we have no "real" connections - just lots of bling with no substance.
DeleteI'm not sure what the answers are, but it definitely comes down to being brave enough to seek out connection - local groups, incidental encounters, looking up and not being focused on your phone or with earbuds in etc. And also appreciating the connections we do have and taking the time to invest in them. It's hard, but yes...we're designed for relationships and we need to keep putting ourselves out there and being open to conversations and engagement - it's hard but worth it. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. :)
Community - a favorite word. Pre-retirement, I worked as a "community" health nurse, nomenclature that evolved from "public" health nurse. Like you, I have many communities, like concentric circles based on geography & time spent, i.e. family, work, neighbors, virtual, etc. I'm reminded of my aunt who relocated to this small town from a large urban center; she commented on how lovely it was to walk down the street & be greeted by name. It contributes to a feeling of home & belonging. I've grown up in this rural community & some of my neighbors are like family to me. I often say that these people who may gossip about me are the same people who show up when the chips are done to put wind beneath my wings. Like a BIL is known for, just show up.
ReplyDeleteYou are very fortunate!
DeleteHi Mona - I live in the country too and maybe that encourages people to feel more friendly and open? I love when people give a little wave when they drive past, or smile back when I make eye contact. I'm not a super-social person, but I do appreciate the connections I have (that spiral out over distance like you mentioned). There's some I see regularly, some irregularly, but all are important to me and help fill that need for understanding and care. It would be nice to make new connections and maybe I need to step out of my comfort zone more to do that - there's still plenty of time... :)
DeleteHello Leanne - Thank you for another relevant post. As I explained to Anonymous (see above) there's no sense of community here. I am the type of person who always reaches out to others but people are not interested in making new friends. They are content with their family, their friends and their cellphone. They hardly respond to a greeting and not interested in knowing a newcomer. If you're not from the area, you are made to feel like an outsider. The close and dear friends I had have all passed away (I am your age) and I miss them everyday. Connection is so important, especially now, in this society. It was much easier to make friends years ago. Like you, I prefer simple friendships and small gatherings. I don't have the energy for more than that. I also avoid crowds which are draining. I agree with everything you wrote except that I understand that you're a lot like the people I mentioned, not wanting to enlarge your circle and that's why so many people have a difficult time making friends. I also understand that you have a limited amount of energy and can't be friends with the whole world. It's not a criticism but that is one of the factors that makes it difficult to make friends. You're very fortunate to have your husband, children, grandchildren and you small group of friends but it's not the case for a lot of people. I had tremendous losses in my life and I cherish people because here one day, gone the next. Your blog is one thing that I look forward to on Monday morning. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteHi Yvonne - I know exactly what you're saying, and I understand it completely. I'd like to clarify that I'm certainly not closed to making new friendships - in fact, it's something I often long for - but it's so hard to get past the casual "hello" and move onto something more. Like you said, people are immersed in their own lives (or their phones!) and seem reluctant to engage on a deeper level. It was easier when I was younger and friendships formed more naturally and more easily. Now I try to focus on what I have rather than what I don't have, and I know there's more engagement out there if I step up and intentionally put myself into it, but as a naturally shy person it's hard to do that.
DeleteMy mum is much more sociable than I am and she is constantly making new friends at 83 because she goes out and talks to people. She joined the Red Hat Ladies, she joined the Chit-Chat group at the Senior Cits, she stops and has long chats with strangers (who become friends) and I envy her ability. That being said, it's easy for her to do it, and it's hard for me - that's where the energy comes into it - how much do I have to invest in pursuing new friendships, and how will I sustain them? Wouldn't it be lovely to have others put that time and energy into meeting us? Maybe one day....
So agree with your comment, "I find that my relationships work best when there's give and take, when there's joy in being present, when there's warmth, and where there's consistency." This is true for me whether I am on my regular beach walk in the early morning or in my virtual space across the globe.
ReplyDeleteHi Judith - it just feels like home when you meet people who are interested in you and it's not hard work to keep the relationship flowing along. I get so tired of being the one who does all the work, and because of that I've tended to move on from those one-sided 'friendships'. That being said, there's so much joy in finding like-minded people nearby and across the globe - each one is a blessing. x
DeleteHi Leanne, as I live in a small rural community I value the sense of community we have here. It's not a case of everyone knowing everyone's business but rather looking out for others. I have a lovely group of friends and I'm involved in many community groups - that's because I enjoy it, not out of a sense of obligation. I think we're lucky to have the community we have.
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit of a social butterfly and love interacting and meeting new people, not everyone will become my new best friend but that's not what I'm after, I just like the chatting to people bit!! I agree with being regular and showing up, saying hello to people as we walk by each other, and blogging is one of the best ways to find new friends without some of the angst.
My family don't live close by either so making the effort to visit and help out (when asked) is always a positive and I don't ever want our visits to be an obligation!
A great thoughtful post on how we change as we age.
Hi Deb - I think it's definitely a warmer vibe in the country than in the city. Every time we go up to see our kids in the city I'm reminded of how much I love where we live and the way people are happy to acknowledge each other and pause for a chat. I'm not as social as I'd like to be, I find it quite stressful meeting new people, but I also want to make new friends as I get older and some have moved on. It's finding that connection and wanting to push through the early awkward stage that moves us into the next phase of real friendship. I think that starts with showing up regularly and being open to conversations - being interested in others and listening.
DeleteIt's definitely trickier as we age because the opportunities seem to dry up a bit, which is why it was a good exercise for me to pause and appreciate what I do have - while I anticipate new friendships down the track....and thank goodness for blogging! x
What a thoughtful and timely post Leanne. I too enjoy the connections with friends such as you on-line via blogging and social media. Those connections are valuied even more when I consider that for the times we lived away from Sydney where family (and some friends) were I was very lonely and socially isolated. It became a bit of a thing though for me to meet up with people due to my IBS flares and anxiety about it...and before cancer was diagnosed. I knew I missed being with people I knew but the underlying stress from the health source stopped me. I had to give up a lot that meant a lot to me from age 60 to 65 including work roles in schools and caring for grandkids. Life now is more settled, at 75, but with a tough year coloured by my burnout being connected socially has gone by the by. I am not even sure now how much I want to meet up any more. I have become more protective of this better health I am starting to appreciate more.
ReplyDeleteIn our new neighbourhood we have some connections via helping each other out if needed and also saying hello to people on walks.
Time is the thief for our family get togethers now. With 4 grandchildren adults with jobs and other commitments we connect on-line a bit but not as much in person. I am still clinging to granddaughter days with us once each school hols but even that didn't happen in last one. Connecting in person takes energy and commitment and right now I am still finding my way back.
Denyse x
Hi Denyse - I totally get that. Friendships in the second half of life don't feel as easy as they did when we were younger. I think we also have different requirements from our friends as we get older - I don't want a large group of shallow connections where I run around after other people and fit myself in around their busy lives, I'm happy to settle for a handful of people who seek me out as often as I check in with them. I've even noticed that with blogging - there are those who genuinely connect (like yourself) and others who come and go. I only have so much headspace to invest and would rather fewer, but more meaningful comments than a plethora of meaningless ones that blogging parties often brought with them.
DeleteI think we all have different levels of extraversion and mental/physical stamina, so community will look different for each of us. For me it comes back to appreciating and building into what I already have, and trying to make room for more if I'm ever blessed to have someone new appear who's looking to connect. How lovely that would be! xx
Leanne, Really, really interesting post this week. When I moved to Florida, I struggled with finding connections. I tried a number of different outlets looking for that sense of belonging, or as you say community. What I'm coming to realize is that I have too many irons in the fire to make things regular and consistent. I'm doing the hit and miss, and feeling drained. I don't know which to drop and which to keep! But I do need to get back to regularity on a few things.
ReplyDeleteHi Pat - it's interesting how much more difficult it is to form connections as we get older - I've been noticing it in the new church we've been attending, lots of people our age, but so few interactions. I expected people to be much more open and welcoming, but they all seem to be quite self contained and breaking through that just feels beyond me these days. Pushing into lots of new outlets feels too hard as well, so I admire you for trying so hard - but the struggle is definitely real isn't it?
DeleteLeanne, I saw/read/listened to?? a report about habits and routine being linked to happiness and longevity the other day. I think that parallels what you are saying here. At our age, it isn't so much about soulful connections as it is about showing up on a frequent basis. Repeating our interactions counts as connecting. My MIL narrowed her 'friends' to the cashier at the market, the hairdresser, and a lady she met at the library in her later years. She was perfectly content.
ReplyDeleteHi Suzanne - I love that even small connections were enough for your MIL (something we'd have rolled ours eyes at when we were younger). I love that I chat with people who look after me at the shops, hairdresser etc, and I also love my smaller group of friends. I think that less is more as we get older - and we learn to recognize genuine connection vs social interaction.
Delete