I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A WORRIER
I'm an oldest daughter and that gives me the tendency to be overly responsible, always needing a plan, always trying to have all my ducks in a row, and always worrying about things. I've worked really hard at not worrying about everything - I'm better at it than I used to be, but at times I slip back into old habits. Something I realized recently is that I may never get rid of the character trait completely, but I can reframe how it plays out in my life.
Instead of worrying about something I can swap it out for wondering about it instead. Wonder allows more room for the positives rather than being overwhelmed by the negatives....
WORRY FOCUSES ON WHAT COULD GO WRONG
When I worry about stuff, it's always me projecting the worst case scenario. I assume the worst outcomes, the worst opinions, the worst judgements, the worst situations. I never worry about what could go right, it's always what could go wrong.
When I swap my response to one of wondering instead of worrying, it allows me to move past the immediate knee-jerk reactionary stage and allows me the space to think about what might not actually happen, or what might actually turn out for good.
A few instances came to mind with how I've been reframing my approach lately.
1. WORRY/WONDER ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK
I used to worry a lot about what other people thought about me - I'm slowly changing that and letting go of the need to always be liked, or to always be keeping the peace, or keeping people happy. Now I'm leaning into letting people think and do what feels right for them and learning that it's not always about me - I can be self-differentiated enough to be okay on my own, or on my own terms. I may wonder about others - but maybe I can wonder about them liking me without feeling the need to earn it.
2. WORRY/WONDER ABOUT THE 'SHOULDS' OF RETIREMENT
I've also worried about whether I'm doing enough in retirement - whether I should be ticking off a bucket list that's a mile long, whether I should be learning lots of new stuff, travelling all over the place, buying more, upsizing or downsizing etc etc. Maybe I can swap that out for wondering if it's okay to just enjoy doing as much or as little as I actually like - that it's not a competition or a comparison, it's just a lovely stage of life where I get to live it well on my own terms.
3. WORRY/WONDER ABOUT WHAT LIES AHEAD
Recently I've had a couple of health hiccups - a scan that showed a couple of possibly daunting issues. That led to a specialist appointment, more scans, more tests, and more consultations. In the process I would normally have spiralled into worry and been planning my own funeral by the end of the week. Instead I chose to look at the positive possibilities - the good outcomes rather than the worst ones. I can't say that I was completely at ease, but I was a lot more peaceful about it all than I would have been in days gone by. It all turned out well, nothing major and a review in 12 months - but it was good practice for wondering rather than worrying about the future.
A VEX KING QUOTE TO FINISH
Sometimes, we put too much emphasis on the bad things that might happen instead of all the great things that can manifest. Your attention shapes the way you experience your life. Give possibility as much energy as you give doubt. Choose faith over fear, and leave some room for life to surprise you.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Are you a worrier? Are you getting better or worse as you get older? Do you think wonder is a good alternative to getting bogged down in worry?
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It's on-going isn't it, this allowing the worry without getting too caught up in it. I understand. Glad your health news was 'ok'. Take care, Denyse x
ReplyDeleteHi Denyse - yes, it's always a work in progress for me, but each time I notice that I haven't spiralled down, and that I'm keeping things in perspective, I give myself a little thumbs up and a pat on the back. :)
DeleteI am an eldest daughter too and have been a worrier all my life (75 now!)/ But I take great comfort in reading the Biblical passages about not fearing/worrying. I know there is Nothing that happens that God is not aware of. So it is easier to surrender the worry now instead of getting caught up in it and ruminating for hours..... I'm sure you're relieved about your good health news - something less to worry about, right? lol
ReplyDeleteHi - yes, I give a lot more to God these days, and assume less about my own ability to control everything. It gives me a lot of comfort to be part of a bigger a picture and to know that things are in his hands. I still tend towards the "what ifs?" but I'm calmer and more at peace these days - it's a much more pleasant way to live. :)
DeleteAs the oldest daughter , I too have always been a worrier. It seems to have become worse in retirement. Expectation are high as well as dealing with lots of changes. Day by day and do it scared and do it anxious is my mantra to try not to give the worry more power.
ReplyDeleteWe oldest daughters are so prone to worry aren't we? I'm finding that retirement is easing it a little for me because I have less on my plate and I don't feel like I'm juggling as many balls. But that also means that small upsets seem to have a bigger impact as my resilience has reduced over time. I refuse to live out the rest of my life in worry mode, so I'm going to keep turning my thoughts to the positive "what ifs?" and away from the worst outcomes. Well that's the plan anyway.... :)
DeleteI think trying to replace worry with wonder is a good idea. Worrying doesn’t get us anywhere, but we still do it. I’m one of those people who likes to organise and try to control how life unfolds (good and bad). Perhaps allowing ourselves some worry time to work out if there is anything that can be done and if there is to put steps in place. If not, then let ourselves wonder and allow good and not so good to play out is maybe all we can do? Good to hear you are doing well! Chrissie x
ReplyDeleteHi Chrissie - I think I'll always be a bit of a planner and a person who likes to know where life is taking me, but I'm trying to trust the process more these days - to allow for the fact that things often work out for the good - even the not-so-great stuff has turned out better than I ever expected, so maybe I can allow myself to focus on the good and sort out any of the other stuff that comes my way as it happens (rather than over-thinking it all in advance). I think we're on a similar journey. x
Delete. Waiting on test results can drive you crazy. I'm 75 and I seem to worry about everything and it is so tiring. I try to leave all my worries/concerns to God but my A personality can't let everything go. I try but it always is there. So good to know that you are doing well.
ReplyDeleteI'm a Type A too and worry has always been my default setting. But I'm also very logical and I'm starting to use that trait to battle the worry - knowing that worry changes nothing and just causes me more stress and anxiety helps me set it aside and trust God to have things under control. Worry still rises, but it doesn't always win anymore. I hope you find that happening too - it's never too late to live with more wonder and less worry. :)
DeleteI turned to a friend during a time of angst, expecting commiseration. The crone responded with, "Good. Stay with that feeling & see where it takes you." That's a mantra now - see where this takes you.
ReplyDeleteCrones are so honest aren't they Mona? I think we expect life to always be sunny - but the storms are often teaching us resilience or to look deeper - and maybe they take us to somewhere new - and sometimes it's better than if we'd tried to skip the pain...
DeleteI've been working on staying positive with the latest delay. Had to call the landlady and say "we probably won't be out when I said we would", and it went OK. The rain has finally stopped and we will dry out to do more landscaping (needed to get occupancy certificate). Things will get done. No worry. (or minimal worry, at least!).
ReplyDeleteHi Pat - maybe when you've been swamped with worry for so long (as you've been with this whole house thing) you learn to roll with the punches more? Worry doesn't change the outcome, but positive action can make a huge difference. So glad the landlady was understanding and that you've had somewhere secure to live while the building process slowly progressed. x
DeleteI hear you Leanne, when you find the answer please let me know!!
ReplyDeleteLittle by little, step by step.... I do feel like I'm a lot better than I used to be, but you can't eliminate 60+ years of behaviour overnight unfortunately. Having a calmer mind feels so much better than the constant churning of days gone by.
DeleteThis is such an inspiring post, Leanne! Thank you so much for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThanks Linda - it's something I'm slowly, but surely figuring out as I get a little older and wiser :)
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