BEING - NOT DOING
One of the biggest payoffs for me when I decided to retire early instead of returning to work, was the chance to wind back on my commitments and to spend less time "doing" and more time "being". I loved the idea of being un-busy and avoiding being over committed and stressed all the time. The serenity I have in my life these days has been hard won and I wouldn't swap it for the world. But......RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE
There's a lot of choices for women in their 50's and 60's these days.
Some are immersed in their careers, some love their jobs, some are working to build their retirement funds, and some choose to retire early.
A lot of my friends IRL and online have moved on from the workforce for
various reasons... some took a redundancy, some chose to retire when their
husbands did, some had more than enough funds to not need to work any
more, and some left awful jobs behind and didn't ever want to repeat the
experience (that would be me!) Lots of different reasons, that lead to lots of different
interpretations of what retirement looks like.
I love watching what others have done with this new phase of life. Some
have jumped into travel and are always planning new trips to new
destinations (until covid interrupted things). Some have taken on study
and learning new skills. Some have taken up new hobbies or discovered
their artistic side. Some have started fitness programs, yoga, running,
hiking, or cycling. Some are learning new languages or taking cooking
classes. So many choices are available and I totally understand why all
these activities appeal after spending decades working and raising
families. But it's not for everyone.
DIFFERENT PATHS THROUGH RETIREMENT
For some of us it's a different picture. There are those of us who don't
want to leap into filling our days with activity after activity, who feel
it's perfectly okay to just coast along until something attracts our
attention. We're not being lazy, we're not being boring - or maybe we are,
but we don't really care? We're just taking things at a slower and gentler
pace. The busy workers and retirees would be bored silly if they lived our
lives, but that doesn't mean that it's a less satisfying choice for those
of us who enjoy taking a simpler, more relaxed path.
I think there's stages of retirement - first there's the adjustment to
no longer working
and not having the commitment to a regular schedule. Then there's the
phase where you start to figure out how nice it is to be free of
commitments and expectations. Then things start to diverge - one
path is to start filling your days with lots of different, interesting
pastimes so that boredom never creeps in and you remain interested and
interesting. Another path is to return to the workforce because retirement wasn't
what you thought it would be. And yet another alternative is to continue on with a relaxed free-form retirement where you decide
what interests you, and where you toss out anything that feels like an
over-commitment.
IT'S NOT A COMPETITION
Maybe I'm choosing to live more slowly because I'm still in the early
stages of retirement and adjusting to the
freedom and flexibility
it offers. Leaving a very traumatic job behind has meant being kind to
myself and not taking on too many commitments. It feels like an ongoing,
organic recovery process where I need days of peace and quiet to savour.
The idea of being really busy or taking on too much still brings stress in
its wake, so I want a slower pace - and I feel like I deserve a simple,
steady life after the many, many years of working, and the turmoil of my
last job. Who knows how I'll feel in 5 or 10 years time, but for now slow
living is really pleasant.
What hurts my heart though, is the subtle criticism that leaks through from those who see being un-busy as
being lazy, or boring, or less-than. It's kind of the Southern "Bless Her Heart" syndrome where busy people say things like "I'm sure it's fine
for you, but I could never
have my days not filled with activities and
challenges...." it's almost patronizing (or whatever the female term for
that is) kind of....... "look how boring your life is compared to my
amazing life". I'm sure it's not intentional, and I'm probably being
overly sensitive, because I still want to be interesting and occupied,
but it feels like a little jab in the heart when my choices, and the
reasons behind them, are under valued.
BEING UN-BUSY CAN BE VERY SATISFYING
That being said, my life isn't only made up of days stretching out with
nothing to do (well... occasionally it is). It's full of lots of little
things that make my heart happy - coffee dates, volunteering, reading, exercising, blogging, and being free for the family to
visit whenever the whim arises. It's a lovely life and I know it looks
small compared to the fuller lives of others, but it's not Less, I'm not
in a competition to see who can be busiest, it's just a different
choice.
You be as busy as you like, and I'll cheer you on, and I'd love it if you
could cheer for me too - instead of assuming I'm at risk of becoming less
of a person because I don't have a bucket list that I'm working my way
through. We should be each other's cheer squad, not mean girls judging
each other's choices. Let's all be careful about how we look at what
others are doing (or not doing) and try to support them all the way.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Are you a busy retiree or are you taking a slower path? Am I the only one
who hears the undercurrent of
comparison
and competition? Is there still the need to prove ourselves to others, or
can we just live and let live now we've reached retirement? I really don't want to hear veiled criticism from those who think
differently ....every choice is valid and worthy and as individual as each
person who makes it. Even if we're on different paths we can still enjoy
the journey together.
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