DISCERNMENT IN MIDLIFE
One of the many gifts of Midlife is being more self aware and discerning. I
think we learn to slow down a little and think about how our words and
actions impact others, and adjust them accordingly. It seems like such a
natural thing to me to not want to hurt others by saying something
insensitive or by being passively critical.
But maybe that's not the case for every woman hitting her 50's or
60's.....
SPEAKING UP OR SPEAKING OUT?
I met a woman recently who seemed to be one of those heart-of-gold people. She'd come over to the woman I was speaking with to see if she
could help with her imminent house move. My first impression was "what a
thoughtful person" ....until I was introduced to her, and she immediately described herself by saying that
she's a person who always speaks her mind, and says whatever comes
out of her mouth without thinking about it. She seemed very proud of this
quality in herself.
My first response was stunned silence - I just
didn't know how to reply to her declaration. In my younger days I might have
thought "go you!" but as I've gotten older I've come to see that
practicing the pause for a moment
and thinking about what you're going to say can make such a difference in
how it's received by others, so why would you speak without thinking?
GIVING GRACE TO OTHERS
I asked this woman if she thought that it might be
kinder to think about the other person
before speaking, and she just brushed it off and said she couldn't help what
comes out of her mouth. I'm still processing that comment, because - as
grown adults - we're able to use discernment before we speak or before we
act, we're quite capable of knowing whether what we're about to say will be
hurtful or unnecessary.....so why would you just blurt out whatever is
in your head?
Our daughter was a talker from a young age, as a little girl she used to do
what my husband referred to as "stream of consciousness" - basically
everything that was floating around in her head found its way out of her
mouth. That was fine for a 4 year old - and quite endearing (even if it was
a little tiring at times), but for a 60 year old woman, it seemed a little
thoughtless and inconsiderate. It also spoke of a lack of self-control or
self-moderation, which is something we can all develop as we age.
LEARNING TO 'READ THE ROOM'
Another skill we develop as we get older is the ability to "read the room"
and to get a feel for how a comment will be received before it's spoken.
I've never understood those who like to make jokes at the expense of others
- to me it's snarky and hurtful and is just a cheap shot to get a laugh.
Adding "just kidding" or the Southern "bless her heart" at the end of a
cutting or hurtful remark doesn't make up for the underlying insensitivity
being shown.
I also don't understand "little woman" humour that some older men still use
- especially in regard to their wives. Any husband who doesn't respect his
wife enough to keep remarks like that to himself loses my respect
immediately. Anyone who undermines the value of another person - even
jokingly - is also not included in
my circle. I don't need that lack of discernment and grace in my life.
WISDOM AND GRACE
Getting older
has its share of negatives at times, but it also comes with the opportunity
to amass wisdom, kindness, grace, generosity, and self-awareness. We can
then use those gifts when we interact with others. I was very grateful to be
in a place in my life where that woman's comment about saying whatever she
felt like, caused me to question her reasoning rather than agreeing with her
belief in her right to potentially wound others.
I think my approach now comes back to "speak the truth in love" - if I
consider and care about the other person then I'll be careful about how I
speak my truth. It doesn't mean that we silence ourselves, but it does mean
we think about the impact our words will have and decide if what we are
about to say is really true, necessary, or kind.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Have you changed how you approach interactions with people? Are you more
gracious in this confused and hurting world? What do you think about the
right to say what you like, whenever you like?
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Thank you for another thought-provoking post, Leanne. As they say, getting older is not for sissies. I do agree with you that age also brings the opportunity to amass wisdom, kindness, grace, generosity, self-awareness and to think before we speak! <3
ReplyDeleteHi Donna - that's exactly it - thinking first, speaking second - and showing a little kindness in the process :)
Deleteit's a fascinating dilemma. Many women's voices have been suppressed for years, not being able to say what they want for fear of being viewed poorly, trying to be the "good girl", or even because their words would be ignored so often. With age comes a sense of freedom to say things that they might have suppressed in the past. Not that I condone words that hurt. But I can definitely understand someone who now feels she can say what she wants.
ReplyDeleteHi Pat - I had no voice as a child, and I totally understand what it's like to feel that your opinion has no value. I guess that's why I would have been so much more impressed with her attitude when I was a younger woman. I've back pedalled a bit since then and now I think we need to speak - but with consideration towards others. Speak up if you need to - but think before you blurt is how I'd approach things these days.
DeleteThat woman you met reminds me of my own grandmother growing up; but she told us all she had to wait until she was 80 and then she could say whatever she wanted. Luckily, my grandmother was rarely rude or hurtful and most of us thought she was a riot-- especially once she did turn 80 and we all learned what she was really thinking.
ReplyDeleteI think I'd love your grandmother Joanne - speaking up but with humour and honesty, rather than thoughtlessly sounds like a good way to hit 80. My MIL is the other end of the spectrum - she speaks up and sucks the joy right out of the room!
DeleteI've always been the woman who cared more about other people's comfort and happiness than my own. As a "people pleaser" I nodded agreement or kept quiet about my disagreement many, many times. Lately, I'm learning to be more authentic. Kindly and thoughtfully, I hope. I try to say what I truly think when it's necessary, and find myself much more peaceful and happy. I think my own happiness has a bigger impact on my world than my non-specific altruism ever did. xo karen
ReplyDeleteHi Karen - I know exactly what you mean (I still battle with people pleasing and wanting everyone to be happy). I won't sit silently and agreeably if it's uncomfortable, but I'm still more likely to walk quietly away than fight battles that are usually irrelevant. I'm also much more careful (in these days of everyone wanting to fight battles) to be mindful of whether it's worth the fight. This woman's idea that she could just say whatever she felt like whenever she felt like opening her mouth just seemed really shallow and thoughtless to me - something a mature woman should be having second thoughts about. A pause never hurt anyone - and often saves a lot of misunderstanding. But.....I'm all for kind, thoughtful, authentic discussion. :)
DeleteHi Leanne, I know one or two people who speak their mind regardless of the impact on the recipient. They do it because it is the 'truth' but really it is just their opinion and I do wonder if they understand the distress they cause - I suppose not! I do try to be mindful of what I say and try to not say anything if I have nothing nice to say.
ReplyDeleteHi Elizabeth - I think people use their "rights" and their "truth" as an excuse to be insensitive at times. Pushing your opinion (whether you think it's right or not) does nothing but cause further division. I'm so tired of it all and when this woman claimed the right to open her mouth without any thought at all, I just thought how lacking in grace and discernment it was on her part.
DeleteThis is such a thought provoking post Leanne, I read it the other day and am only now coming back to comment as I wasn't sure how I felt. I don't like rudeness in any way shape or form and I was taught to stop and think before I said anything too. Now that I'm older I sort of feel I can say certain things without being rude but just to get my feelings out there but I rarely do because I don't want to offend others.
ReplyDeleteIn Rotary we have a four way test: Of all the things we think, say and do:
Is it the truth?
Is it fair to all concerned?
Will it build goodwill and better friendships?
Will it be beneficial to all concerned?
This has proven to be a good way of pausing and reflecting and I try to do it when the urge takes me!
Hi Deb - I like that you did exactly what I think we should all do when our thoughts are challenged - took a pause, thought about it, and then expressed your opinion with kindness and insight. And I really like the Rotarian 4 way test - it sounds like a good way to judge whether it's worth speaking your mind, or minding your business.
DeleteAs we get older, we get more sure of our opinions, but I truly believe that we can agree to disagree and the world runs a lot more smoothly that way. Thanks so much for your thoughtful response - it was perfectly said. x
Hi Leanne. I love this post and I wholeheartedly agree with the message. This is an important one to share. xx Christina Daggett
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing it Christina - it just really struck me that there are still grown women out there that think it's fine to say whatever falls out of their mouth without giving it any forethought - I thought we were smarter and kinder than that :)
DeleteSay what you mean, mean what you say & don't say it mean.
ReplyDeleteThat's perfect Mona - I'm so tired of hearing and reading thoughtless comments. Just because we CAN say something doesn't necessarily mean that we need to say it, or that it will be the right thing. Stopping and thinking first seems like a pretty simple solution.
DeleteIsn't that interesting that she said she can't control what comes out of her mouth, when that is one of the few things in life that we absolutely control?
ReplyDeleteExactly! I just thought - wait a minute, you're close to 60 and you haven't learnt the ability to close your lips and think before you blurt out whatever's in your head? Thinking about how your comment will be received before you make it just seems like a simple and easy way to consider others and their feelings.
DeleteWhat a thoughtful post, Leanne. There was a brief time when I thought it was okay to say what's on my mind. The older I get, the more I weigh my words and realize the power of silence and letting go. It's only when standing up for injustice that I want to speak up. I'm trying my best to hold my words, even when people ask for advice.
ReplyDeleteHi Corinne - I think we've both been on a similar path - where you finally find your voice, then realize the power of your words and to use them wisely and graciously. Blurting out your opinions willy nilly only adds to the disquiet of our world, thinking before we speak, and choosing our battles seems to be the key for me.
Delete