SELF-WORTH AND PRODUCTIVITY
A little while ago I read a really thought provoking article by Bernie Sewell on Tiny Buddah. It was about how she finally clicked to the fact that her life mattered - even without a big purpose or direction. I think it resonated so deeply with me because it's how living the retired life can feel at times.We leave behind a career, most of our parenting, our busy life where we ran from one commitment to another - and we can be left with questions like "who am I?" and "where do I go from here?" It's all a little unsettling until we come to the realization that our worth is intrinsic, and needs to be separated from what we do.
BERNIE'S SEARCH FOR PURPOSE
Bernie writes (slightly paraphrased by me):The truth was that I desperately sought purpose in my life because, somehow, I believed that I had to justify my existence; I sought purpose as a means to deserve happiness, while I abandoned the things that actually made me happy because they lacked purpose.
Eventually I understood that we cannot have worth, it’s not something we earn, gain, or lose. Worth is the essence of our being. An absolute, inherent, unchangeable part of who we are. Success, accomplishment, and focused direction won’t increase our worth. And failure cannot diminish it.
I now believe the purpose of life is to grow, thrive, and experience life to the full. To worry less about our achievements, productivity, and the meaning of our life and to prioritize the things we enjoy. Even if they serve no purpose at all.
The only way to make your life matter is to know your true worth, to be kind and compassionate, to take care of your loved ones, and yourself. Help and support others. Not because you have to earn worth, but because you want to improve their lives.
Do what you love as often as you can. Walk in the sun, sit on the beach, lie in the grass. Just because it feels good. Do it without feeling guilty or beating yourself up for the lack of purpose.
MY OWN SEARCH FOR PURPOSE
I think I could relate to a lot of what Bernie said because I always believed that we had to have some over-arching big purpose to life, whether it was a career, or a calling, or something that others could see as our reason for being on this earth. I tied who I was with what I was doing, and I often felt like it wasn't enough, and by default, that I wasn't enough either. Where was my big mission? Where was I making a difference? What was I here for?
It took me until my 50's to let some of that go, to accept that I could live my small life well, and I could focus on my corner of the world and the people in it. I could let life happen and be happy without having to prove anything to anybody. It was a revelation after all those years of trying so hard.
RETIREMENT AND THAT SEARCH FOR PURPOSE
My unexpected early retirement threw a bit of a spanner in the works when it came to my newly won self-belief. I was still caught up in the idea of having a label or two (or three...) that justified my existence, that proved I had worth. Once I no longer had a steady job, or volunteered, or contributed to the world around me every time someone asked me, I felt a little lost. When people asked what I did, there was than insidious need to prove myself to them in some way - to show that I still had worth.
I'd read about all these retirees out conquering the world and living large, and here I was just doodling around with very little direction and absolutely no desire to do anything "big". It took me a few years - through covid and all its ups and downs, through returning to work for a year or so, and through doing a lot of soul searching to realize that I'm enough as I am, that I didn't want to have to live large in real life or on social media.
WHAT I FINALLY REALIZED
It finally dawned on me that at the end of the day having a purpose can add to my happiness, but it’s not a prerequisite for it. I don’t need a mission, a purpose, or a direction for my life to be worth living. I don’t have to justify my existence or prove my worth. Not to my family, not to my friends, and not to the world around me ....not even to myself.
And as long as I enjoy walking this path through the final third of my life, no matter how aimlessly, my life has more than enough meaning.
This is from a Sue, a blogging friend of mine, and it resonated with me:
There was a time I would’ve asked, to what end?
But now I know:
It doesn’t have to lead somewhere.
It’s already giving me what I wanted -
a calm, steady life that feels like mine.
And that?
That is enough.
Sue - Into Alignment
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Are you on a journey to find your purpose and a mission in life? Did retiring affect your self-worth at all, or did it just add another dimension to an already full life? Do you have a concrete purpose or mission in life, or are you happily meandering along?
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This is a beautiful and brilliant revelation. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your kind words Mary - I just feel that it's worth reminding those like myself that it's okay to have a small, peaceful, happy life - it's "enough". :)
DeletePerfect words when they are MOST needed!
ReplyDeleteThank you!
Mine is the opposite of your story. Rebuilding a life, later in life due to circumstances.
I have been stressing and leaning in to find my purpose, more for the motivation it brings me
I think it's different for each of us - and our seasons can be experienced at our own pace. Finding what feels like the right fit and then being content with that is really the key. You may discover it a little later, but when you do, I truly hope you feel settled and at peace - and that the striving can finally cease. x
DeleteHi Leanne. Looking back on my life, in the past, I realize that teaching preschool, may not be considered a huge accomplishment, by someone else's standards, but my goal in doing what I did, was to try to make a positive difference in children's lives. I still have that need, but in a different way, now that I'm not working. I wasn't considered accomplished, by family members, because I didn't make alot of money. It was enough, though, to help with the family finances. Now, I realize that wasn't important. I was enough then, and I'm enough now. Thank you for sharing. This post really resonated with me. ♥️ Christina Daggett
ReplyDeleteHi Christina - I truly believe that good teachers aren't given enough credit for the love and care they pour into their students' lives. So many children need that extra boost when their home environment is lacking - I'm so glad you could recognize the importance of what you did then, and that now in retirement, you're still making a difference by being Tim's partner and also being an encourager to your fellow bloggers. xx
DeleteHi Leanne - Love your post. It resonated with me. I like what you said about not having to prove your existence or your worth. I agree that you are enough the way you are. I don't have a concrete purpose or a mission in life. I am in survival mode , and that takes all my time and energy. I don't have anything to prove.
ReplyDeleteHi Yvonne - I think survival mode takes a lot of energy - being able to get up every day and face what needs to be dealt with is a huge undertaking. I truly hope that things eventually get easier for you, and that you also find moments here and there where peace and glimmers of joy find their way into your day. You are more than enough my friend. xx
DeleteLeanne, thank you for your comment and your words of encouragement. That's one of the reasons that I appreciate you and love your blog xox
DeleteMy pleasure Yvonne - I hate that it's so tough for you, but I do hope you'll find you peaceful place that's pain-free and full of quiet contentment. x
DeleteBeautiful words of wisdom. I pay attention to the elements of my contentment—mind, body, and spirit —and address issues as they arise. No big purpose. It feels right for me.
ReplyDeleteHi Suzanne - I think finding that balance between mind, body, and spirit is the key to feeling at peace and content with the life we're living. I think mine were out of balance for many of those years of striving - it becomes wearying to look back on. It's so nice to be in a "right" place these days. x
DeleteI think we need purpose even if that purpose is a reason to get out of bed and get dressed in the morning. But then, I also think we need curiosity and to stay open to changes - of mind, perspective, ideas and purpose.
ReplyDeleteHi Jo - I think we need purpose too - but not necessarily the "purpose" that drove us in our earlier days. Now it feels more like what engages our mind and our heart - it may be big, but it's often the small things that bring the most satisfaction - for me anyway...
DeleteHi Leanne, Your reflection is lovely and so relatable. It’s exactly what I needed to read today. I find that the knowing of my own ‘enoughness’ or inherent worthiness drifts in and out, and reading your beautiful reflection is a wonderful reminder. Thank you as always for sharing your insights. I love the gentleness of your writing. Oh, and thank you so much for the mention.
ReplyDeleteHi Sue - when I read that little thought from you a few weeks ago, I immediately thought about how it tied in with what had been running around in my head at that time. I have this really strong desire to just be enough, to be settled and centered. Chasing after some elusive passion that social media or my busy friends are promoting just doesn't sit well with me anymore. I'm happy for the rest of the world to be as big as it chooses to be, while I go about my very pleasant little life. :) x
DeleteHi Leanne - Coinicidentally, only a few days ago, a friend who has also retired from active service told me how he spends time with no purpose! I felt quite bad; and I sort of gave him a short pep talk. I told him we need to bring in purpose. Earlier the office and bosses set goals for us. Now it's our turn, the purpose is now different.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I look at little things every day that I need to do; and I am enjoying the process of getting those things done, rather than racing against time to achieve something.
Though I do have long-term goals, what drives me now are smaller short-term daily-life chores, alongside certain routine activities (including blogging and reading friends' posts).
(My latest post: A coffee spill that nearly ruined an interview)
Hi Pradeep - I think there's a balance to life in retirement that involves being purposeful with what interests us, and not needing to be pursuing or competing with others in areas that are no longer important. I love that I don't have to have a title anymore, I love that I don't work to someone else's timetable, I love that every day I choose what to do and how I want to do it....but that doesn't mean we do nothing, it just means that we find what works best for us and pursue that with joy. I hope your friend finds a lovely balance too. :)
DeleteI am so glad for you to have made your peace with what is and the way in which you exude contentment and remind us of what that means. I admit my feelings right now continue to be myriad and so I cannot tell you what or who I am...but I am Denyse and I write on the internet to connect so I will settle for that. Ha! I do want to be at ease with my life right now but that sneaky decade of trauma and grief has left me with some anxiety and I need to continue to work with some who help me, and to cultivate a caring and self compassionate persona.
ReplyDeleteHi Denyse - sometimes setbacks just delay the eventual happy ending. I think once you've worked through all the "what ifs" and the "whys" and the other deep hurts and grief, you'll find yourself feeling really content and settled too. I think I'm finally beginning to let things be what they will be - and then figuring out how to live my best life around the things I can't change. I'm just so very grateful to be living life well - and I don't need much more than that these days to be happy (thank goodness!) xx
DeleteHi Leanne, I love this it certainly resonates with me! I’m not sure who I was trying to please, but spent decades in jobs I didn’t enjoy, and some I loved, but now I’m retired and loving it, I wonder why I wasted so much time chasing things that weren’t important. I’ve learned that health, family and friends are what life is all about. The rest is further down the list. Chrissie x
ReplyDeleteHi Chrissie - you said it perfectly! I feel exactly the same way - jobs that I didn't enjoy, some that I did, too much focus on keeping everyone happy and all my ducks in a row. Retirement has been the greatest gift for me - finally I have my time and energy directed into what really matters, and I couldn't be happier. Thanks so much for your comment. x
Delete"There are things you do because they feel right & they may make no sense & they may make no money & it may be the real reason we are here: to love each other & to eat each other's cooking & say it was good." Real Reason by Brian Andreas (www.storypeople.com)
ReplyDeleteThis adorns an apron that is currently smattered w/ the tomato sauce made the other day. My purpose in retirement is to look after myself & my home. I no longer have to leave the house that I left everyday to go to work to pay for. My world may look small from the outside but it is filled with love & sevice to my immediate community. I have to trust that this will ripple out to the world at large. There's the usual question - How are you? Good enough, is my common reply. And not the usual "Fine". I am enough.
Hi Mona - I LOVE that quote (and that it's on your apron!) and you are so right about loving being at home and not having to go anywhere or do anything that doesn't resonate with our hearts. I think that is what makes me so happy - doing life on my terms in a small but contentedly happy way. Life is so very good and I wouldn't swap it for a bigger or busier one if you paid me. :)
DeleteSo much of what you've written here resonates deeply with me, Leanne. It's like you looked inside my heart and my head. What I love about Bernie's article is that it isn't saying life has no purpose, but that the purpose isn't about achievements, but rather experiencing joy and living life to its fullest (as determined by you) and also being kind and compassionate to ourselves and others. One of my core values is joy. If I am doing something that brings me or the people around me joy, I'm content with that.
ReplyDeleteHi Christie - isn't it lovely to finally be in a place that feels right with our soul? I think the noise of the world is that we have to be doing more and showing everyone all the boxes we're ticking - when in fact, we can live a life that resonates with our values, that fills our cup, and allows us the space to care about others - that's all I need, and it's more than enough. I'm so glad you understand that and it speaks to you too. x
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