WHEN TOO MUCH IS TOO MUCH
I'm an oldest daughter - that title comes with an awful lot of baggage that I've carried with me for most of my life. I've always been the responsible one, the one with a plan (and a second plan in case the first plan fails), the one who over invests in other people's issues, the rescuer, the fixer, and the all-round juggler who wants everyone to be happy all the time.
When I write all that out, it sounds ridiculous, and it is! Nobody needs to do all that, and it leads to leaky boundaries, taking on too much, and burning out over things that aren't mine to carry.
MY MIDLIFE WAKE-UP CALL
I was in my 50's before I realized there was a lot that wasn't my responsibility to tote around, but realization and actual changes in my behaviour were not simultaneous by any means. It's taken another decade of ups and downs to finally see what is mine to carry and what I can put down and leave to those it belongs to.
The biggest push came from working with a person who had no filters and who drowned me in their drama and imagined problems. I was ripe for burnout with this person because I immediately jumped into wanting to save her, there were no boundaries about how much of my time and energy she drained - it was constant. That being said, I needed to step up and say "no" (something I wasn't good at back then) and then say it again and again - I needed to care a lot less and to not take on the problems that were her creation.
MOVING ON AND LESSONS LEARNT
Finally.....after planning to quit and writing my resignation letter three different times, I left that job and spent many, many months putting myself back together again. It was very uncomfortable looking in the mirror and admitting I'd been such a pushover for so long. It was humbling to see that I knew who and what I needed to be, but didn't have the toolkit to carry it off before I hit rock bottom.
That being said, I did learn, I discovered what a boundary was (still working on those!), I had a few mini revelations about what I was prepared to deal with and what was non-negotiable. I came to a greater appreciation of how valuable my time and energy are and where I want to invest them. My biggest discovery is that I can care about people without taking responsibility for them. Their choices are their own - I don't have to wrangle them into where I think they should be - I can leave them to figure it out for themselves.
KNOWING WHAT'S MINE AND WHAT'S NOT
Another lovely discovery I made along the way is how well my adult kids are going. I listen to others talk about the support they're needing to give to their children who are in their 30's and 40's and still making poor decisions, or dealing with messes that they created but need help cleaning up.
Due to some unknown magic, my kids are both doing well - stable jobs, stable marriages, stable finances, making good choices, living life well. I don't dread their phone calls, I don't have to figure out ways to guide them without stepping on their toes, I don't need to worry about them and what the next disaster will be....it really has become a case of lots of care but no longer being responsible for them.
It's the same with my day to day life - no more work dramas or responsibilities, no more one-sided friendships, no more financial juggling, no more health issues (for now!).... and every time I start to slide into taking on things that aren't mine to carry, I remind myself that I have the autonomy of being able to step back and choose whether it's something I need to invest myself into, or whether I should leave the issue for someone else. There can be a twinge or two of guilt, or the old pull to jump in and save the day, but I'm getting so much better at moving towards caring about what's truly important, and not picking up things that aren't mine to hold. It's such a feeling of lightness that was never part of my life until now, and I'm loving it.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Are you someone who takes responsibility for everything, or are you creating some breathing room? Are you able to juggle everything, or are you finding that it can be overwhelming to carry all the load and you just don't have the bandwidth for it anymore?
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Hi Leanne, so much of this hit home for me! I’m someone who feels bad if everyone around me isn’t happy for whatever reason, even if it appears to be their own fault. Couple that with recently caring for a relative and I’m quickly heading for some sort of burnout! I’m so busy I’m meeting myself coming back, as the saying goes! I’ve been setting boundaries much more this year, but then I feel guilty about some of those. One particular friend who has absolutely no empathy for my current situation and my need to postpone our monthly lunches etc. It’s as if every time I try to live a happy, stress free retirement something or someone pulls me back in, even more than before the boundary setting. I realise things like care giving can’t be ignored, but all these other people and things pulling at me seem worse somehow. I’m clearly still a work in progress, not only with boundary setting but also with the guilt I feel.
ReplyDeleteChrissie x
DeleteHi Chrissie - I really do believe that this is all a process. We don't get rid of 50 years or more of programming overnight. When I look back at how invested I was in everyone except myself I shudder a little - caring is important, but giving all our time and energy to others is self-defeating and exhausting.
DeleteI still fall back into old habits, but I'm more aware of it when I do, and I'm also grateful that I have so many days now where I'm not being drained or put upon. Giving yourself grace when there's a high level of demand on you is part of the journey, but figuring out when and where to shoulder the load (and when and where not to) is the key. We can't be all things to all people no matter how much we've bought into that belief. Good luck with reclaiming a little of your bandwidth. x
Hi Leanne, you have done so well in coming to terms with how things were for you. It's taken a lot of soul searching too I imagine. I am glad you have arrived in a great space and place for you. Congratulations. It does take work and you have done that for sure. Denyse x
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Denyse - like you, sometimes I find it helpful to look back to see how far I've come....and whether I've slipped back anywhere. I'm so grateful for the days and weeks where my mind is clear of worry and where I don't feel like I need to be responsible for anyone else's problems. It's like I'm no longer pushing a load uphill, and I'm grateful for that every day. x
DeleteOldest child hand in the air. I'm still not in recovery though... hence why I'm also cruise director etc.
ReplyDeleteYep, it's hard to let go of the need to control everything and everyone - and it often means giving up some of the benefits that brings.....but the relief and the freedom has been worth the sacrifices along the way for me.
DeleteHi Leanne, I'm an oldest daughter too and how I manage with the various responsibilities varies from day to day. Sadly our family has a few genetic health issues in our children and grandchildren which came to light a few years ago, so it's hard for me at times to feel able to completely let go of the worry that brings. I know there's not much I can actually do to rectify the problems but in some small way I feel responsible and want to keep everyone happy - which isn't possible at all. I really feel alive and 'me' when I'm travelling, out of sight out of mind - sort of! Well done on reaching this stage of life and may it long continue.
ReplyDeleteHi Deb - I think that's why I feel such a sense of relief when we're with our kids - it's been the hiatus between all the teenage and 20's years and whatever lies ahead. The calm after the storm - I'm hoping it continues for a long time because I immediately jump back into "mother mode" and want to fix everyone when there's an issue. It's hard to step back and let them run their own race and plot their own course through the ups and downs isn't it? But how awesome to know we produced such capable adults. x
DeleteOnce again, you hit the nail right on the head, Leanne...Is that a phrase is Australia?...with this sentence: "I've always been the responsible one, the one with a plan (and a second plan in case the first plan fails), the one who over invests in other people's issues, the rescuer, the fixer, and the all-round juggler who wants everyone to be happy all the time." While I am the second child, my older sister is the creative, flighty one, so I kind of jumped into the role of responsible child. It's been a journey learning to release those instincts and figure out how to offer loving kindness without taking on responsibility. I'm getting there.
ReplyDelete