IT STARTS WITH ME AND ENDS WITH PEACE

You get to choose your response. You don't have to fix everything and everyone - work on valuing yourself and the rest will fall into place.

FEELING UNSETTLED

Life can be really wonderful overall, but still throw little upsets and irritations into our days. I seem to have a couple of those that have been on-going in my life over the last few months, and I've been trying to untangle the "why?" I start with wondering why someone would be mean spirited, then I wonder why I'm unhappy with a particular place, then I start beating up on myself for being bothered by it all....then I beat up on myself a bit more by wondering if I caused the irritations.....then the loop starts again.

I find myself playing scenarios over in my head as I try to rationalise things that aren't rational, as I try to control how others should behave - but there's a part of me that knows this isn't on me, that knows I need to let go of trying to live in a perfect world full of perfect people and I've come to see.....

IT ALL STARTS WITH ME

I am a dyed in the wool firstborn daughter - I take everything to heart, I try to rescue everybody, fix everything, herd all my ducks in the same direction, and keep everybody happy in the process. It's absolutely ridiculous to think I'm capable of all those things......and yet I keep repeating the pattern. I'm constantly second guessing my responses to messy situations, I replay conversations over in my head, I question how I could have made something (that was completely out of my control) turn out differently.

I logically know all these things, and I'd be the first person to tell someone else to take it easier on themselves and to stop trying to save the world. I'd tell them to relax and that "this too shall pass", I'd reassure them that they're a good person and getting their feelings hurt, or being exasperated by others making poor choices is not their burden to bear. The problem is that I don't always believe it when I tell myself the same things.

This quote really got me thinking:

Everything starts with how you feel about yourself.

UNDOING 60 YEARS OF PROGRAMING

It really comes down to unraveling all the incorrect programing and beliefs I've managed to develop over the 60+ years I've been alive, and replacing them with truths that make sense. Some of those truths include:

  • I'm not responsible for other people's words
  • I don't have to agree with what someone else believes
  • I can't make another person change if they don't want to
  • Things will not always be done how I think is best
  • Not everyone does their job well or thoroughly
  • I don't have to stay where I'm uncomfortable
  • Not everyone will like me or agree with me
  • I can focus my attention on what's good in my life
  • I can be grateful for the love I have from family and friends
  • Things change and I can give it time
  • I can create distance or breathing space if I need it
  • Being a good person, being kind, being caring really counts
  • I am enough as I am, and I can still continue to grow
  • Life is good and I'm very blessed

BEING AT PEACE

It's taken me a long time to get it into my head that I'm able to choose who and what I allow into my life, and I can put boundaries into place to create some breathing room to help me see when someone is out of line. I get to choose how I respond to the ups and downs that are a natural part of living day to day. If I respect myself, and I acknowledge that my intentions are good, and I'm only responsible for myself and not for everyone else, then I can start to calm that niggling knot that tries to lodge itself in my chest.

Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything.  Maybe it’s about  un-becoming everything  that isn’t really you

As I untangle all the old beliefs and replace them with facts and new beliefs that centre around what is real and true, I find my breathing slowing, my heart calming, and peace settling inside my soul. I'm well past halfway in my life on this earth, and I want my remaining days to be full of peace, full of calm, full of equanimity - the knowledge that it's not up to me to save everyone - I can only do my best and bring that to those around me. I can also learn from those who disrupt my peace - I can learn who not to be as I grow older - I can choose who I'm becoming and who I'm unbecoming.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

Are you becoming more at peace with yourself and the world around you? Are you more sure of who you are and what you bring to the table?

RELATED POSTS


You get to choose your response. You don't have to fix everything and everyone - work on valuing yourself and the rest will fall into place.

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Cresting the Hill - a blog for Midlife (Middle Aged / 50+) women who want to thrive
You get to choose your response. You don't have to fix everything and everyone - work on valuing yourself and the rest will fall into place.

29 comments

  1. I get caught up in these beliefs constantly even though I know I shouldn't, but knowing and *knowing* are two very different things.

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    1. Exactly Jo! I am so good at encouraging others to see their worth, and so poor at doing it for myself! We'll get there eventually and then the *knowing* will finally be knowing. x

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  2. Gratitude dear Leanne for writing this.

    I seem to be walking in the same shoes, because I’m exactly at the same place as you, as I turn 52 soon. It’s like this - I feel I’ve created my boundaries and learnt to let the unnecessary not wreck havoc with my peace, but there are phases when that’s what happens.
    The old patterns come to the surface reminding one that we do live in a perfectly imperfect world and the best we can do is reclaim our sanity, and continue to operate from a place of kindness, yet awareness of not being taken for granted at the same time.
    I’m the 2nd born and youngest but always felt responsible for everyone. That needs to be dropped to make space for oneself.

    Love and peace.

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  3. And accepting ourselves despite our flaws is also celebrating ourselves therefore let’s do that this Mondyay.😄💪🏼💌

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    1. Hi Natasha - you said it perfectly! I logically know all this stuff, and most of the time I get it right, but then the old habits kick back in when my heart gets hurt or when I feel like things are beyond my control. I really need to get better at boundaries and resilience, and also being kind to myself as I continue to figure it all out - we'll definitely celebrate self-acceptance together and thanks for cheering me on - we've got this! <3

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  4. Leanne, it is always easier to 'dish out' advice than to take to heart ourselves, isn't it? I still get hurt/disappointed when things don't go as I think they should. But, these days I suffer less anxiety when I move on from 'those who disrupt my peace.' Progress - one step at a time.

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    1. Hi Suzanne - I'm still trying to figure out why it's easier to understand something when it's happening to a friend, and so hard to separate myself from it when it's happening to me..... I'm getting better at it, but the endless loop playing in my head gets wearying after a while and I'd dearly love to jump a few steps ahead in the process... :)

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  5. Ever try the 5 whys exercise? The 5 Whys Problem Solving technique is a simple process to follow to solve any problem by repeatedly asking the question “Why” (five times is a good rule of thumb), to peel away the layers of symptoms that can lead to the root cause of a problem. This strategy relates to the principle of systematic problem solving.

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    1. Hi Gary - no I've never tried that, but it sounds like something that could work - logical and progressive (and takes some of the initial emotive response out of the equation). I'm going to sit down with a pen and paper and do 5 whys tomorrow - and maybe google it a bit too. Thanks for the heads up :)

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  6. Hi Leanne, I can relate to this so much! I've been trying to separate myself from my feelings of 'letting others down' for quite a while now. I know logically it's not my responsibility to make everyone else happy but I've been trying to do just that for most of my life so it's hard to break that habit. I find I'm asking myself these questions more often now: Is this *really* my responsibility? Do I *really* want to get involved? Can I *really* fix this? By the time I sort through these questions either the moment has passed or I logically realize I need to move on. It doesn't always work but I'm getting better at it 🙂

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    1. Hi Sharon - I like your questions and I think they tie in with the "why" questions that Gary suggested. I wonder if it helps our minds move from an emotional response to a more logical evaluation of the issue? I get so caught up with trying to not hurt other people's feelings and that allows them too much leeway to then hurt mine. Boundaries are such a new area for me and I'm working at making mine clearer and believing I'm worthy of drawing a line in the sand for my own emotional health. I think a lot of us are works in progress in this area.... Thanks so much for your input. :)

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  7. Hi Leanne - I can relate to everything you wrote . It's getting easier for me and I had to let go of the control. First it's important to accept ourselves the way we are and then changes will occur one step at a time. It has been a long road with me also about going over everything I did and said which is good in a way but then you have to let it go. You're a very kind and sensitive person and you question everything just like me but I find that over-analyzing everything was driving me insane. You only have have to be responsible to and for yourself. Sending you much love and a peaceful week. You're not alone. 😊

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    1. Hi Yvonne - thank you so much for your wise words. The overthinking and over analysing definitely work against me - you can't undo something that's happened and you can't make people behave in ways they should. Wishing it was different changes nothing and I really need to just move forward without it eating at the back of my head - I guess some issues can't be resolved and just require acceptance (a hard lesson to learn for those of us who like to fix everything) x

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  8. Leanne, I could have written this post! Except for me it's not the niggling knot in my chest but a churning in my tummy, even to nausea. My favorite new "belief" I need to work on is a combination of a few of your's: "Things will not be done how you think they should be done - many people will not do it (whatever it is) well nor thoroughly. And you cannot control what they do." This happened to me recently and when I told them how to do it ("place the weights in the bins, don't throw them"), I was called a mean b-tch. Guess I should have said "please" - second guessing the situation, replaying it, tummy churning. I had a hard time going back to class... and this was my cardio drumming class!
    I know I'm too hard on myself... everyone else is "let it go, she's the b-tch". But isn't that the way - we are too hard on ourselves, we feel responsible for too much (that we are really not responsible for), and have a hard time letting things go.
    Thanks for this post... timely in helping me realize I have to let go of controlling things even more.

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    1. Hi Pat - I think we have a lot of similar personality traits and perceptions. There's a lot I know and a lot that still hasn't got past knowing and turned into application. I wonder if difficult, ugly people are put in our path to teach us how not to be? And yes, I totally get the gut churning feeling - that sickness inside is something I deal with a lot too. I'm trying really hard to get past the expectation that people and things will be how I think they should be - and to accept them for what they are - it's hard! I really hope that all these lessons are making me a better and more tolerant person - then it would be worth the knots and churnings. :)

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  9. Hi, Leanne - Thank you for another great post. If we all truly adopted a 'my peace begins with me" approach, imagine how much different our lives could be?! <3

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    1. Perfectly said Donna - I really want to become a person of peace in my approach to the messiness that makes up life. To not be rattled by the people and situations that are less than ideal - as a sort-of-reformed-perfectionist there is still a lot I need to work on before I reach that place of peace - but I'll get there!

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  10. I agree with Donna's comment Leanne, we all need to adopt the mantra of 'my peace begins with me'. Thanks for another relevant post which has resonated with many!

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    1. Hi Deb - it's certainly a mantra I'm coming to personalize and own. I'm getting better at letting other people own their behaviour and not feeling like I need to keep smoothing the waters - time to swim elsewhere if it's too rough!

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  11. I think you have nailed it again..and your words help others, including myself, to know we are not alone.
    I do my utmost these days to remove 'should' from my vocabulary and it's a pretty constant to and fro but I am more on my side these days than those of the 'rules' I learned growing up and kept following.
    Because I am the go-to for organising events/catch ups and the like and don't mind doing it, I take more care these days not to jump in when I haven't heard back...because everyone IS different..and even first born daughters are not the same. I know.
    So, yes to recognising this and yes, to moving onward with greater self-forgiveness and care.
    Denyse x

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    1. Hi Denyse - hearing "me too" has been so helpful to me while I'm navigating the discomfort of being in relationships or situations that make me uncomfortable. People (like yourself) who I admire and respect have shared their difficult times and that they're works in progress, and that makes me feel much more comfortable with sitting in the messiness of life. <3

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  12. Love the "Un- becoming" quote. Think that being the person one is meant to be really is the journey. As long as we are an "unfinished product" we are on that journey.

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    1. Hi Judith - it's a good feeling when you're making progress on the journey and not just sitting by the side of the road watching others move forward while you're caught up in a tangle of "stuff"... :)

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  13. Another insightful post, Leanne. I appreciate your list of truths. For me, I would also add "What someone else believes about me or a particular situation is none of my concern." When my sister was going through counseling related to her divorce, she was lamenting to her therapist that her soon-to-be-ex just didn't understand her point of view or his role in the breakdown of their marriage (even though he had been unfaithful), and her therapist said, "You're getting divorced; his opinion of you or the reason for the breakup is none of your business." That stuck with me. I no longer waste my mental or physical energy trying to change someone else's mind, if the practical outcome of their beliefs doesn't directly affect me.

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    1. Wow Deb - that's all so true (and so hard to do) it takes a real sense of self-awareness and of valuing yourself and your worth to be able to do that. My initial response is to always worry about how others see me and why they have a problem with me - but (like you) I'm getting a handle on letting them think what they like - live and let live is definitely becoming a reality for me....and it's a good place to get to. Thanks for your wise words. <3

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  14. Hi Leanne - An insightful and inspiring post. I can relate to the struggle of trying to manage everything and everyone around me, often at the expense of my own peace. But I am trying to be more at peace with myself and the world. I'm learning to set boundaries and focus on the good rather than what goes wrong.

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    1. Hi Pradeep - I sometimes wonder if it's easier for men because they are more skilled at compartmentalizing. My husband is much stronger at maintaining his boundaries than I am - but I'm learning! Better late than never :)

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  15. Hi Leanne. I'm re-reading this post because right now, I can relate to it more than ever. I feel like I'm finally getting there, to a place of equanimity. Xx Christina Daggett

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    1. Hi Christina - I'm not sure I'll ever have it all figured out, but I'm getting better at owning what's mine and not trying to fix everything and keep everyone happy. The desire to placate is still there, but I'm more particular about who I apply it to these days!

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Thanks so much for your comment - it's where the connection begins.