DO YOU EVER COMPARE YOUR MARRIAGE?
We've been married for 40 years and there have been plenty of highs and
lows along the way. When I'm pushing through one of those "messy moments" -
usually caused by a miscommunication from one of us - I often wonder if
we're the only ones who fluctuate, and if others have perfect and harmonious
marriages from the time they say "I do" until death they do part.
I came across an infographic from
The Pleasant Relationship
the other day that summed up 7 stages of marriage and as I read it, I could
tick each one - and even in the same order. It was reassuring to think that
maybe we're not alone in going through different marital phases, so I
thought I'd share it today along with a summary of each phase.....
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| The 7 stages of marriage via: https://thepleasantrelationship.com/ |
STAGE 1: THE HONEYMOON PHASE
Generally, the honeymoon phase starts right after marriage and lasts for
around two years, or more than that, depending on the couple. It's that
phase where we're still a little starry eyed, where romantic love and
happily ever after is at the forefront.
It's often a time without children, or large debt, or too many outside
commitments. There's time to be together and to enjoy getting to know
each other more deeply.
STAGE 2: THE REALIZATION PHASE
This is the stage where the day to day commitment of marriage really kicks in, we see our differences more clearly and need to work on how to communicate and find some middle ground. It's the preparation stage for all those years ahead that you'll be experiencing together.
It's often the time when bigger responsibilities come - babies,
mortgages, longer work hours, financial pressures. Romantic love doesn't
die, but it begins to morph into a more mature love that weathers storms
and stresses.
If you can navigate through this stage with some understanding and grace, you can learn to embrace the differences and find common ground. Talking things through, not jumping to conclusions, being willing to apologize - it's a tricky stage, but it teaches us a lot.
STAGE 3: THE CONFLICT STAGE
Sometime after the 5th year of marriage, the feeling of love begins to tone down and reality settles in. The flaws that we overlooked can become more irritating and criticism and arguing kick in. Stepping away from it all becomes an attractive alternative - the seven year itch is called that for a reason.If you can navigate through this stage with some understanding and grace, you can learn to embrace the differences and find common ground. Talking things through, not jumping to conclusions, being willing to apologize - it's a tricky stage, but it teaches us a lot.
STAGE 4: THE COOPERATIVE STAGE
If you successfully navigate through the conflict stage, you reach the next phase of more calmly doing life together. You understand that you're different people, and you respect those differences.
Life feels more settled, you're raising young children, setting
yourselves up for the future, and you're "doing life together" as a
team. Things feel less volatile, and you know your partner has your back.
You're building a satisfying life together.
STAGE 5: THE CONNECTION STAGE
This stage begins where children get older and are moving out, your finances feel stronger, you're settled and stable with your spouse, and you've found ways to work through life together and to enjoy each other's company.
It's the time when you start to rediscover each other after being in
family mode - the reconnection begins, there's more time together.
Things seem to be going really well. Life is looking good.
STAGE 6: THE EXPLOSION STAGE
In this phase, there's a wake-up call. Life events escalate and the changes impact on the relationship. The children are gone and are no longer a distraction, there may be a job loss, loss of a parent, changes in priorities, or what you want your future to look like.
This is more impactful because it's unexpected after re-connecting, it's
easier to walk away with fewer responsibilities. Life can feel a bit
monotonous - an affair becomes an attractive thought. It's a time where we
confront and work through things we took for granted for many years - it
can be the making or breaking point of a marriage.
STAGE 7: THE FULFILLMENT STAGE
This last and final stage comes after the storm. It's where a couple is grateful they worked through the explosion and found a "new normal". They're grateful and happy to still be married to their partner and there's a sense of contentment in being together. You don't look for someone else, you're happy with the person you chose so many years before.
Knowing that you've gone through the tough times together and come out
the other side reassures you that you can face whatever comes next as a united
front. If you can survive the explosion you can certainly make it through
future challenges and still have a strong and abiding love for each
other.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I didn't share any specifics from my own marriage in this post (although
there's a few links below that cover some of the stages). I know that I
was completely blindsided when we hit Stage 6 - and thought that we
wouldn't survive it. Coming out stronger and more aware of each other's
needs almost made the experience worthwhile - it would have been nice to
get there more smoothly, but storms certainly clear the air!
Can you relate to the 7 stages of marriage, or has your marital journey
been different? I think childless couples, couples who have a large age
difference, couples who are on a second marriage, or other mitigating
factors can certainly make for a different experience. I just found it
reassuring that life might be "interesting" at times, but we can ride the
rollercoaster and come out the other side even stronger and more secure in
our relationship.
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Really interesting, and makes sense. And you're right, the explosion coming after working through conflict must be blindsiding - just when you think it's clear sailing...
ReplyDeleteIt certainly hit me for six Jo - but at the same time it opened my eyes to a lot of little things that had built up and been ignored - owning those and being aware when they start to reappear helps keep us on smoother seas these days :)
DeleteWhat an interesting post and topic!
ReplyDeleteHi Jo - I found it really interesting - especially when I could tick off each of the stages - I just hope we don't rebound to any of the more "difficult" ones!
DeleteHi Leanne, I can certainly tick off some of the stages. Currently, we're in calm waters but I don't think we should become too complacent as you can't always tell when a storm is brewing ;-)
ReplyDeleteHi Elizabeth - I remember thinking how well we were handling the empty nest stage - until Stage 6 snuck up on me and threw me for a loop. Hindsight is a wonderful thing (shame we don't have it at the time!) and it shows me now all the little things that led up to us hitting stormy seas several years ago. I'm hoping we're older and wiser now and won't be revisiting that stage again!
DeleteAs you rightly said, I don't think there are any couples in the world who haven't gone through these ups and downs. It's all about getting around the challenges and moving forward. However, it's difficult to generalise, since for each couple the situations and contexts are different.
ReplyDeleteHi Pradeep - I think we always see the "shiny" exterior of marriages - we don't hang out our dirty laundry for everyone to see, but I've found over many conversations with others (especially during the times when I was struggling the most) that everyone has times in their lives and marriages when the wheels feel like they're falling off - some crash and burn, some manage to find their way through. It's reassuring to know we're not alone in these things.
DeleteLeanne, this is an interesting post which pretty much sums up our 35 year old marriage. I can't say it was exactly in that order, but the final phase is spot on. We have had our highs and lows, but being willing to communicate honestly about the tough stuff has made the difference.
ReplyDeleteHi Suzanne - I think it struck me because of that Stage 6 late conflict. I never expected to be looking down the barrel of possible separation after 30+ years of marriage - to get through that and to hit Stage 7 has been a wake up call to keeping communication channels open and to not assume that you have it all tied with a bow! I'm so grateful to have worked through it and to have survived and thrived!
DeleteInteresting. I've heard of honeymoon phase and the 7-yr itch but none of the others. Also fascinating that you felt you'd been in many of the stages. I couldn't really relate to them. Maybe because no kids? No sure. I'd like to think we're in the Fulfillment Stage even if we didn't hit any of the others though!
ReplyDeleteHi Pat - I wondered about the impact children have on the idea of the 7 stages and mentioned it in my closing paragraph. Our daughter and SIL aren't having children and I can already see how the dynamics are different in their marriage compared to couples of a similar age and stage with two or three small kids running around. I've come to see that having children adds a whole extra level to the marital relationship - and to be honest, sometimes I wonder if it would be easier and smoother to have been child-free......
DeleteHi Leanne, yes we've been through all those stages. We've been married for 36.5 years. Marriage isn't easy. It takes work and perseverance, good communication and lots of patience. I guess some people sail through marriage easier than others but when you think about it, we (for example) met when I was 18 and he was 23 and married when I was 20 and he was 25. We were kids. It's quite natural that there would be ups and downs as we grow, mature, and learn to know ourselves better etc. Love those words about intimacy at the end of the post!
ReplyDeleteHi Min - we were 21 and 22 when we married and yes, there's been a lot of growth and water under the bridge in the last 40 years! I think to have weathered it all, raised children who became wonderful human beings, and to still love and like each other by the end of it all is a pretty awesome achievement - hopefully the rest of the years will be a breeze!
DeleteI don't know about all 7 but I have noticed once the kids are adults there's a bit of 'is this it?' going on. I think a lot of my friends tho, rather than busting up or having affairs are reconnecting with friends - so I've noticed friends suddenly wanting to come out and do things, where before they were a no (Platonic and activities like climbing or bowling etc). i do think you are right that they stages would be different without children.....interesting post. It's probably a lot of posts in 1. #WWandPics
ReplyDeleteHi Lydia - I'm not sure why I expected that marriage would be really easy - especially when my husband and I are very different people. I'm also not sure why I was blindsided when we hit Stage 6.....but I'm very grateful to have weathered the storms and rediscovered life post-kids, and to be enjoying it so much more than I thought I would :)
DeleteI don't believe that I ever got past the conflict stage in both marriages. In a moment of hope over experience, I did it twice. Then realized that I was a codependent & had married another alcoholic. I could apply stages 5-7 to my relationship with myself and the personal journey that has led me to relish this single life that I live, rich with relationships & experiences. In retrospect, I think I should never have married but I didn't know how to say no to the many expectations imposed upon me. It's been quite a ride but I truly feel that I've come out stronger & more secure on the other side.
ReplyDeleteHi Mona - those are such perceptive remarks - and yes, I think most of us jumped into marriage because it's what we thought was the 'done thing' - a bit like having children as well. I look at those who didn't have children and wonder how much impact kids have on the couple dynamic. When you add addictions etc into the mix it makes for a very volatile cocktail and I can see how being single would feel like a secure haven.
DeleteHi, Leeann - This is a fascinating post, as are the comments. They provide great food for thought!
ReplyDeleteHi Donna - yes, I really enjoy sharing thoughts that catch my attention because I figure if it interests me then it might be of interest to others. I also really like hearing about other people's journeys and experiences because it gives me such a feeling of "being in this together".
DeleteHi Leanne, this was an interesting post. Having been married twice, I'm fortunate that second time around for both of us we had learned from our previous relationships. We've still clocked up 30 years together and although we've had our ups and downs having a solid loving relationship and friendship has helped us through. I don't compare my relationships to others because firstly, everyone is different and secondly, we only have the 'public' idea of the marriage and don't really know what reality is. A bit like people only putting the fun things or positive things on Instagram when life isn't always like that. x
ReplyDeleteHi Sue - the public image that we all project can be so misleading can't it? When I was younger I had no idea that things could be very different behind the scenes. Since then I've had some wonderfully honest conversations with friends and found that we're all pretty much on the same page with being imperfect people doing our best to navigate through a loving relationship.
DeleteI do think you can live and learn from past mistakes and it's so good that you guys have found a positive and lasting relationship this time around. x
I found this description of the stages of marriage very interesting. As you pointed out, being in a second marriage changes things. If you are lucky (and I am), you learn some things from the first go round and can avoid some of the common pitfalls. Things can also be complicated in different ways, especially if you have a blended family with children from both spouses. I am happy to report that my husband and I are in a good place, and ever mindful of tending to our relationship.
ReplyDeleteHi Christie - I think the infographic is quite a simplified explanation - but I love that it included the periods of upheaval. It made me feel less alone to know that it's a common factor in a lot of marriages - and it may vary depending on whether you're in a different version of marriage - but it's also reassuring to know that if we tend to our relationship well then we can reach Stage 7 and live very contentedly together. x
DeleteAnother post getting us to think...you are on a roll, and it's always interesting Leanne. We will have been married for 53 years next January. We have weathered many, many storms within the marriage, and yet we have always said to each other "we remember the smiles and our eyes meeting on 17 Oct 1970" and it brings us back to some kind of balance. But we are also opposites and complement each other well. This time in our lives, the past year or so, is now feeling the most relaxed ...despite our various medical issues. It was great to see your blog post this week at Denyse’s Words and Pics for #WWandPics. Thank you for being part of the community. Warm wishes and appreciation from Denyse.
ReplyDeleteHi Denyse - it's good to hear that 53 years of water under the bridge hasn't hurt your marriage. Interesting that you've had your ups and downs too, but always come back to the love that underpins it all. We're very blessed to have these men in our lives who are prepared to weather the storms with us - and opposites can definitely attract and then keep it working. :)
DeleteYes Leanne married life is 'interesting' at times with many ups and downs as you mention. We're coming up to 44 years next January, I have to remember that I was only 19 when I married, a mere child by today's standards! We've worked hard at things, made compromises and are still together - happily I might add. Thanks for sharing this graphic, everyone will see things differently over the years and we never really know what goes on in other people's lives do we?
ReplyDeleteHi Deb - I seem to have this rose coloured glasses view of everyone else's marriages - maybe because we only see the surface and we're all good at putting on a happy face when we're in public. It's comforting to know that everyone has "moments" in their marriage, but get through them and keep heading in the right direction. It's an amazing thing to be with someone for 40+ years with when we were so young at the beginning. Growing together is pretty special.
DeleteWhat a great description, Leanne. Ours was a bit different since this was my second and his third marriage. It's been over 28 years now, and we have hit the stages just not in that order, I think. Fortunately we've passed the conflict and explosion stages. I'm good with finishing up the rest of our lives in the last stage. :)
ReplyDeleteHi Marsha - I think it's more typical of long first marriages (maybe you learn as you go along and hopefully you go into a second marriage with your eyes a little clearer!) I'm very glad the explosion stage is behind me and I hope I'll stay in this last stage til the finish too! :)
DeleteLeanne, Thank you for your weekend coffee share. What an interesting post! Hats off to couples who stay happily married.
ReplyDeleteHi Natalie - yes it's a bit like completing an endurance race that lasts for a lifetime. Fortunately I find marriage a lot more pleasant than long distance running :D
DeleteHi Leanne. This was a really interesting post. I can't say that my 40-year marriage to Tim is really relatable to the stages of marriage, portrayed in the article. Our lives have always been different than everyone else's, We hadn't known each other very long when we met, but we got along very well. We bounced around a little before we had our children, as Tim was moving up with the Postal service. For a long time, when we lived in Maine, we worked opposite shifts, and didn't have a lot of time together. added to that we had the stresses of raising our children while sharing a house with my sister and her children. All the stressful events in pour life, though, really pulled us together. I must say now that we have all this time together, since we've been retired and have had all these adventures, we're closer than ever and I attribute that to better communication. We no longer walk away mad at each other. We talk it out. Thank you for sharing this. It's really made me stop and think about what a great marriage I have and how grateful I am. xx Christina Daggett
ReplyDeleteHi Christina - I think you guys did the first half of marriage on steroids! Maybe dealing with all those trials strengthened your relationship and anything that came along after that was a walk in the park. You've led such an interesting life - especially now in your expat years, it's really good that you can depend on each other so strongly and know that you'll always have the support you need while you're so far from home - you can't ask for more than that can you? x
DeleteI like your article, it does make me think reflect on the stages of marriage as I experienced it.
ReplyDeleteHi Jeanne - it certainly gave me a lot to think about and it was so true to what we'd experienced. I like to share things like that here on the blog because if I find it interesting, then I hope that it will resonate with others too. :)
DeleteI can relate to the stages, but they happened in a somewhat different sequence for husband and me. It's comforting to know that these stages are normal, because when things go sideways, it can feel like such a failure.
ReplyDeleteI felt the same way Janet - when you can take a step back and realize that most people experience ups and downs then it makes the tough times more bearable.
DeleteSo interesting Leanne. Hmmm..this year will be 31 years being married for us...I think we are in between the connection and explosion stages. A lot of good food for thought, and perhaps if more people are aware of these stages ahead of time, we can be a little better prepared, but maybe not.
ReplyDeleteHi Kirstin - I was blindsided by the explosion stage, so maybe having a little heads up that it could be on the horizon would have given me some reassurance that we'd weather it - at the time it felt insurmountable!
DeleteWow, Leanne, a very interesting post which I'm going to print out and really think about and share with a few people, including my husband. I thought I'd focus on the whole kids thing since mine are now 19 and 17 and our daughter is wanting to move out next year and study ballet full time. I have friends who didn't have kids and in these instances didn't meet someone in time, and they travel a lot and their careers weren't interrupted/sabotaged. I know it's a big disappointment for them. Having kids has been a huge commitment and sacrifice but they have also expanded my horizons and being part of your own family with it's ups and downs is a treasure. There is a famous quote which I think cames from George Bernard Shaw and was quoted in part by Malcolm Fraser: "Life wasn't meant to be easy, but it can be delightful". To me there is something in the heaviness of life which has rich meaning. I doubt I know and have observed and been involved with anyone else the way I have been with my kids and to watch and take deslight and often horror in them is, especially in hindsight, an incredible thing. Mind you, I found the first year with my first child incredibly difficult and felt my wings had been cut off. Parentingmy kids has also been very impacted by my severe health situation which was triggered by the birth of our daughter and is ongoing. So I've had to fight to stay alive to see my kids grow up, which puts a different spin on things. My husband and I have had some ups and downs and are looking forward to spending more time together while also pursuing our own interests. It's a balancing act.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes,
Rowena
Hi Rowena - what you said about having a family is so true. Kids take a huge toll on our relationship and our ability to live a life completely on our own terms. They offset that by bringing diversity and fullness into the picture and allowing us to be unselfish and to have a part in creating a legacy and watching them embrace independence and contribute to the world. I think there's pluses and minuses to being childless and having children - and I can certainly say that life gets easier in the empty nest, but there are so many adjustments to navigate along the way - extreme poor health would add another huge layer to that - so kudos to you for doing it well and staying strong through it all. Good luck with the future empty nest :)
DeleteI was with my husband for 12 years and married for eight of them. Though it was relatively short, I do see myself through all the stages -- even stage 6 and working our way to stage seven. I wouldn't have minded a simple "monotonous" marriage. But I also do see it cycle through different stages because we had quite a few curveballs thrown at our way. Some were easier to go through and some were more difficult.
ReplyDeleteHi Julie - I think we'd all have liked to have a stress free marriage, but I guess two people living in each others' space for years will always cause some friction - and throwing in those curveballs will always add more to the mix.
DeleteMany of your followers had something to say about this post. I had never heard of the 7 stages of marriage but I can pretty well identify each of the stages in my relationship and marriage with PC. We were a little different than couples who haven't been married before because we brought children into the marriage and into our home from day one. Our honeymoon stage was really more like stages 2 & 3 because of the tension with the kids. We are knee-deep in stage 6, with parents sick and dying, retirement for me and PC ready to retire but hoping to work 3 more years. We really, really need something to look forward to right now. LIFE is beating us down.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing this information with us. It helps to know we aren't the only ones who have good days and difficult ones, good years and difficult ones.
Hi Lesley - that's what I liked about the concept - that there are ups and downs and in betweens, and stages that a lot of people go through - we're not alone. I also liked that there was calm water at the end after riding the rapids for the years leading up to it. Hang in there - Stage 7 is in your future x
Delete